Date: 03/14	8:00 PM
Views: 2,343

Huh... didn't think I'd be using that template for naming my recaps ever again. Tonight's Raw will be guest hosted by the recent cultural meme from the Jersey Shore. As well, The Rock has promised some kind of rebuttal to John Cena tonight, but he isn't scheduled to be there live. Cena has promised that his attention is focussed solely on The Miz, but will he be able to distance himself from the verbal onslaught of the Great One? In the undercard, but perhaps more important, both United States Champion Bryan Danielson and freshly-self-deKinged former WWE champion Sheamus both face the biggest obstacles of their WWE careers against each other in a title vs. career match. Press F5 or refresh for more updates, and be sure to join us in the Angrymarks chat.

Raw opens with a picture of The Rock, then revealed to be Rocky sitting in his house, talking allegedly to the President. He's joking about how terrible Cena's promo last week was. Cena's music hits, and it's revealed to be a small child dressed as Cena. The kid does the "You can't see me" taunt a few times before The Rock tells him not to rap. The kid raps anyway. The Rock sits down, admits that John Cena took the ball from The Rock when he left, but "didn't run that far", jokingly referring to Cena as the new Kermit the Frog and saying that Cena only appeals to children. "John" admits that he's not that talented. The Rock makes the kid cry, then consoles him by giving him a John Cena shirt to blow his nose on, and says he's proud of him because he admitted that he's not that talented, finally presenting him with a box of fruity pebbles. This promo is starting to stall. The kid leaves to eat the fruity pebbles. Finally, The Rock turns to address the camera.

"Hello, Miz. You're right. We have not been properly introduced. You're The Miz, the WWE Champion, the so-called most must-see WWE Champion in history. Well I'm The Rock. The most electrifying man in all of entertainment. The people's Champion. Last Monday night on Raw, you made a few statements, Miz. First statement was you knocked John Cena out cold as a block of ice. You had the gall to hit the People's Elbow, talk trash about my family, but Miz, whether you know it or not, you also made another statement. And that statement was you clearly want The Rock to deliver to you the single biggest ass whooping of a life time. John Cena, Miz, we can all agree the time for talk is over. It's time for Wrestlemania. And as I promised, as I gave my word, before Wrestlemania, I will bring it live on Monday Night Raw. John Cena, don't worry about when, where, show up, don't show up, satellite, not via satellite, shut your mouth. The only thing that you should be concerned with, the only thing The Miz should be concerned with, is how bad I layeth the Smackdown on both your candy asses. IF YA SMELL... WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKIN'!"

Without even ceasing The Rock's theme, they segue to Snooki backstage with Trish Stratus, followed by Michael Cole broadcasting from inside a plexiglass booth with Lawler and Matthews at the regular table beside him. Miz makes his way to the ring.

"Really? Really? You know, The Rock's t-shirt says 'I bring it' and I couldn't agree with you more, Rock, you do bring it. You bring out of date catch phrases, you bring bad tattoos, you bring horrific movies, empty promises and 20-minute diatribes that only a has-been can bring. And you have a problem with me insulting your family, let me remind you, Rock, your father and your grandfather were both good. But they were never WWE Champion. So that means I'm better than the both of them, and I can say whatever I want. And you like to make six year olds cry. Well Rock, step into this ring and I'm going to make you cry. I'm going to make you scream like a little girl, because unlike you, instead of talking about beating up John Cena, I've actually done it. Three weeks in a row to be exact. So no, Rock, you don't own John Cena. I do. So Rock, week after week after week via television screen, you say you're gonna bring it, and I hope and I pray that you do bring it, Rock. Who knows? He might bring it here to St. Louis. But if you do bring it here, or anywhere, just know that you will be overshadowed by the most must-see WWE Champion in the history of this company. (tilting his mic like The Rock) Because I'm The Miz... And I'm AWESOME!"

Miz heads to the back but halts after the GM's buzzer sounds. Both Cole and Lawler head for the podium, before Lawler takes the stand.

"Go back home, I think your cage is cleaned out by now. Miz, it seems that tonight the Raw General Manager is arranging two first-time-ever matches for yourself and John Cena. Tonight, John Cena will step into the ring with someone he's never been in the ring with before: the #1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship, Alberto Del Rio."

Miz: "But there's no one else for me, I've beaten everyone there is to beat."

Lawler: "Well, that's not entirely true, Miz. The fact is, apparently you've never faced this man."

The Great Khali's theme sounds and the 7-and-a-half-foot giant walks out.

Match One: WWE Champion The Miz vs. The Great Khali (non-title)

Miz swings away, Khali shoves him to the ground, punch, slam into the corner, chop in the corner, chop to the head (the one that once put The Undertaker away, Khali claw, Miz makes it to the ropes, Alex Riley attacks Khali.

Winner by disqualification: The Great Khali

Khali dismantles Riley, Miz attacks him with a chair and actually manages to fell the giant with what by my count is over 20 chair shots. Miz drags Khali up and hits a kneeling DDT (which involves Miz standing completely tall) onto the chair before hoising up the broken chair for the crowd to see. Khali's sporting a nasty cut on his back.

A promo airs for Triple H, hyping him up for Wrestlemania. Backstage, John Morrison is chatting up Snooki before Vickie Guerrero tells her to fuck off and tells John Morrison the same. Snooki slaps her and she sobs to Dolph.

Match Two: United States Championship: Title vs. Career: Sheamus vs. Bryan Danielson(c)

Lockup, Sheamus with a headlock, Bryan with a whip, Sheamus with a shoulder block, fists, knee, more fists, whip, Danielson flips over, trip, goes for the Labell Lock, rope break, kicks Sheamus in the back, suicide dive, tosses Sheamus back in the ring, to the top, missile dropkick, cover for two, Sheamus leaves the ring, commercial.

Back on, Sheamus has Danielson in a recliner with a knee in the back. During the commercial he apparently made a severe comeback. Danielson elbows his way out, Sheamus with a shoulder block, chops tied up in the ropes, referee forces a break, Sheamus hits a knee in the ropes, covers for two. Whip, Danielson with a boot, goes for a tilt-a-whirl, botches it, covers for two, body drops Sheamus over the top, Sheamus grabs his own ankle again. Sheamus crawls in the ring, the referee won't let Danielson make contact, Sheamus misses a bicycle kick, LaBell Lock, rope break, Sheamus with a boot to the gut, whip to the corner, High Cross reversed into a two-count. Trading punches, Danielson gets the better of it, kicks, roundhouse kicks to the chest, one to the head, cover for two, goes up top, Sheamus counters into a bicycle kick for three.

Winner and NEW United States Champion: Sheamus

That was impressive. Incredible showing by both men, Sheamus really deserves that win after that one, I just hope it doesn't cause Danielson to fall into obscurity.

Michael Cole grabs a mic after a sufficient victory celebration.

"I am about to commit the equivalent of a verbal regicide, which for those of you who don't have the IQ to know what that means means I am about to cause the destruction of a king, because I am about to bring back someone who will show to the world what Jerry Lawler is truly about. That person will be my guest, next.

Slam of the week is last week's guest referee thing.

Cole: "You people enjoyed that, didn't you? You people enjoyed that Stone Cold just waltzed in there and inserted himself into my main event at Wrestlemania. Well I can assure you that Stone Cold will have a minimal effect at Wrestlemania, when I beat you, Lawler! Now, Lawler, I know how defensive you get when anybody talks about your family, whether living or dead (oh fuck you, Cole). But Lawler, I'm not going to talk about your family tonight, because your family's going to talk about you! Ladies and gentlemen, the biological son of Jerry Lawler, Brian Christopher."

It's actually the former Grandmaster Sexay, who dances his way to the ring extremely slowly.

Cole: "Brian, I'd like to welcome you here tonight, welcome to WWE. You've gone by many names in WWE, but one name you've never used is Brian Lawler. Why would that be?"

"Well, quite frankly, because all my life, growing up, I never ever felt like I had a father. You see, Michael, while Jerry Lawler was off travelling the world, being the King, he neglected one thing: me. You see, Jerry Lawler never really wanted a child. You never wanted anybody or anything to get in your spotlight. That's why when I made it on my own to the WWE, you wouldn't even acknowledge I was your son."

Lawler: "Brian, I don't really know what to say other than, you're not the only one that's glad you didn't use the Lawler name, because you see Brian, you're a bigger screwup than Charlie Sheen. Just the fact that you would associate yourself with a jackass like Michael Cole tells everyone what kind of person you really are."

Brian: "Let me ask you something. How does it make you feel to know that I competed at Wrestlemania before you did? Yeah, that's right, as part of Too Cool, I was one of the biggest superstars in WWE at one time! That's right, so let me just ask ya one more time, how'd that make you feel, daddy? How'd it make you feel, daddy? You gonna answer me? You gonna answer me? Huh? No, looks like you're just gonna sit there, aren't ya daddy? (slaps his father around) Let's get one thing straight: The only reason I never used your name is because I'm ashamed of you."

Cole: "Just what I thought, Lawler, you don't care about your family, you never did, you're nothing but a coward, pathetic, a loser, and at Wrestlemania, I'm gonna put you in your place. No one cares about yo--"

IT'S JR! I have to admit, I was seriously considering walking away until this segment was over, but now I'll wait. Cole attacks JR by ranting and raving almost incoherently.

JR: "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? Don't you think everything you've orchestrated has gone on long enough? You talk about his family at the most untimely time of the week, you bring his son out here, humiliate and embarass Jerry Lawler, Michael, come to your senses, this has gone on long enough."

Cole: "JR, I've got an idea. Why don't you go away? Why don't you just go away? It's over, you're done. This is my show now. I'm the voice of the WWE. Michael Cole is the voice of the WWE, not Jim Ross!"

JR: "You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. About the voice of WWE. You know, for many years I had the privilege and the honour of sitting right over there with Jerry Lawler, and I was lucky enough, thanks to Monday Night Raw, do be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. And what I found out was this: Me or you or anybody sitting there will never be the voice of the WWE, because the voices of the WWE are right here in St. Louis. Are watching around the world. You know, Lawler's been protecting you for a long time. He's been carrying you. I'll just cut to the chase, he's been carrying you, maybe I'll put it on your level, he's like a mother kangaroo putting you in his pouch, but you're not a cute, furry animal like a baby kangaroo, you're a different kind of animal, you're a... no, you're a varmit. You are a rat bastard."

Cole: "So that's how it's gonna be. This is how I always envisioned it. Michael Cole in his ring, being the bigger man, while JR walked out of the ring, walked into his sunset, with his tail tucked between his legs."

JR ceases his exit and takes off his hat, followed by his jacket. Both men posture before Jack Swagger attacks Jerry Lawler in the background. Swagger makes his way to the ring, stares at JR, boots him in the gut, slaps on the ankle lock, back to uncomfortable, Jerry Lawler climbs back in the ring and blasts Swagger before Cole distracts him long enough for Swagger to slap on the ankle lock. Swagger points at JR and Michael Cole slaps on his own Ankle Lock. The crowd reigns in their disapproval and I can't help but agree as that was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever covered. What the fuck were WWE thinking?

WWE Rewind is Randy Orton punting most of the Nexus.

Match Three: Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan

Interesting to note: Mason Ryan doesn't even attempt the Nexus theme and just enters to CM Punk's theme. Lockup, Ryan backs Orton into a corner, Orton dodges a punch and blasts Ryan in the corner with punches of his own. Boot by Ryan, trading punches, Orton whip reversed, Orton with a clothesline, Ryan with a big boot, backbreaker for two, another, third, cover for two, kneeling bear hug, stands to his feet, Orton punches his way out, whip, reversed, Orton with a boot, clothesline, Ryan with a sit-out uranage for a close two-count, goes for another, RKO! Orton gets the three-count.

Winner: Randy Orton

Orton stares at CM Punk from the turnbuckle, leaves the ring without a punt and continues to stare down CM Punk before looking back at the ring and thinking about invalidating my previous statement. Punk makes it to the ring in time to be inside it when Orton punts Mason Ryan but is not able to stop him. Punk leaves the ring as Orton stares him down. Mason Ryan is actually taken out on a stretcher.

WWE Announces Drew Carey as the next inductee into the Hall of Fame Celebrity Wing.

Michael Cole grabs a mic, and I'm not recapping this. He says nothing important. Hopefully everyone will forgive me.

Backstage, the inevitable Snooki/Ryder confrontation happens, but Snooki just laughs it off.

Snooki comes out to the ring and takes a mic.

"Whatup, everybody? I am so excited to be the guest host of Raw tonight, I have been waiting for this moment all week long, but what I'm really excited for is for my girl Trish Stratus to shut Vickie Guerrero's big fat mouth up, once and for all.

Match Four: No Disqualifiaction: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus

Vickie: "EXCUSE ME! I SAID EXCUSE ME! Tonight, I will not only beat the legendary Trish Stratus, but I will be hired on Monday Night Raw. But before I do that, I have some words for Miss Snooki. First of all, don't you ever lay your hands on me again. Second of all, how dare you come to Raw and steal my spotlight. And third, you stole something that was very important to me. Let's all take a look at the cover of Snooki's Rolling Stone magazine! That was my cover shoot! Now let's take a look at the original cover that was supposed to come out. (obvious graphic here) Isn't that so much better? Of course it is! By the end of the night I will be the new Miss Media Darling. I will prevail and overcome my obstacles tonight, but I know deep down inside I am a good person."

Stratus enters second for her first match in a year and a half.

Vickie Guerrero opens with jumping jacks and stretches before Stratus rolls her up for one half-jokingly. Vickie goes for a kick, Stratus pie-faces her, Vickie leaves the ring, Stratus chases her, Vickie picks up her own shoe and throws it at Stratus. Vickie takes off her other shoe, Stratus boots her in the gut, stands on her neck and smacks her in the ass with the shoe before beating her with it. Dolph Ziggler comes between both men before John Morrison clears the ring of Ziggler and they brawl on the outside. LayCool run in, Stratus holds her own against them until Layla grabs her legs, McCool kicks her in the head and all three women cover Stratus.

Winner: Vickie Guerrero

The full three-person LayCool celebrate in the ring as Snooki watches on with what is basically her only expression. They stare down Snooki, same expression, McCool slides out of the ring to confront her, basically the same expression. Snooki stands up to her, McCool shoves her down, Snooki pulls her off the top rope, pulls off a not-too-bad Thesz press on Layla, Stratus does the same to McCool, Vickie gasps in horror and all three women bail.

Vickie: "You think this is a night club on a boardwalk? You are in way over your head. I cannot wait to show you, all of you, what you deserve. I cannot wait to see the embarassment on all of your faces on the biggest stage of them all. I'm issuing a challenge to all of you against LayCool and Dolph Ziggler at Wrestlemania."

Snooki: "I will see you there, baby."

Huh. Snooki's in a match at Wrestlemania. You know, I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that. I mean, she clearly has some semblance of skill as evidenced by that Thesz Press, and if she takes this seriously and turns that semblance of skill into actual skill, this could be one of the rare quality celebrity involvment matches.

Another Sin Cara promo airs. Another "Shawn Michaels talks about HHH vs. The Undertaker" promo airs. HBK discusses how terrifying The Undertaker is, but that it's the streak that's sometimes the most intimidating.

Main Event: John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio

Lockup, Del Rio with a knee, lockup again, side headlock, snapmare, keeps the hold locked in, whip out, Del Rio with a shoulder block, Cena with a hip toss, dropkicks Del Rio out of the ring, commercial.

Back on, I think John Cena just kicked out of a pin attempt. Dropkick by Del Rio, covers for what I think is a second for two. That is assuming that was actually the first. Headlock, Cena escapes with a back suplex, referee begins to count both men out, they make it up at 8, double clothesline, seven-count, trading punches, Cena gets the better of it, shoulder tackle, protoplex, five-knuckle shuffle, goes for the FU, Brodus Clay clubs Cena.

Winner by Disqualification: John Cena

A beatdown occurs, The Rock's music hits! The Miz comes out dressed as The Rock, most of the crowd has yet to realize it. Cena punches both of his attackers, but the three-on-one proves too much almost instantly. MizRock hits a Rock Bottom, Del Rio hits an enziguri in the corner, Brodus Clay hits a t-bone suplex. MizRock celebrates in the corner, mimicking The Rock's signature pose before pulling off his bald wig, slamming Cena into the ring post and taking a mic.

"How's your road to Wrestlemania, Cena?"

Miz smashes Cena in the head with the mic.

"Cena, I've owned you the last three weeks, and I will own you for the next three all the way to Wrestlemania." Another mic hit. Miz removes his Rock t-shirt and hits a suplex on the ramp. Cena mounts a comeback and goes for an FU, Miz responds with another kneeling DDT on the stage. He then tosses Cena into the giant WWE logo and hits a Skull-Crushing Finale into the stand it sits on. Miz stands stone-faced over John Cena as the broadcast fades to black.