Date: 03/21	8:00 PM
Views: 2,723

And after a few site problems, we're on the air. Sort of. Tonight's Raw hasn't really heavily been hyped, but after last week a few things are up in the air. How will Sheamus react to not only still being employed but also being United States Champion? How will Bryan Danielson react to not being champion? Will John Cena ever get back at The Miz on free television? Will Snooki do something? Press F5 or refresh for more updates.

Raw opens with Justin Roberts announcing JR. This is going to be horrible, I can feel it. Sure enough, Michael Cole comes out with a cowboy hat, giant fake gut, cotton in his mouth, barbecue sauce and leg brace. Cole steps into his plexiglass bunker and Triple H comes out.

"Almost 20 years in this business, it's a long time. Standing in this ring, as I walk out here I look at all of you and I wonder to myself, could this be the last time I work in this building? Two weeks is a defining moment of my entire career. Two weeks is the defining moment of The Undertaker's career. I hear everybody talking, I see the signs. 19-0, 18-1, time to end the streak, the whole world is talking about this match. Two icons clashing like never before. The Undertaker, Triple H, No Holds Barred. I have no idea what this match'll take out of me. I have no idea how much it'll take out of The Undertaker, I know neither of us will ever be the same, I can assure you of that. This is the biggest match I've ever been in in my life. That streak of 18 years, that streak is bigger than any championship, hell it might be bigger than all the championships I've held combined, and ending it will be a career defining moment. You know, before we go to the ring in two weeks and tear each other apart, rip each other to shreds, I want you to do me a favour, Deadman. I want you to come here next week, I want you to stand in this ring and one last time, one week before we collide, I want to look you in the eye. I want to look at you face to face, man to man and tell you what's going to happen in two weeks at Wrestlemania. I want to look in the eye and tell you, you will lose. I will end the streak. The thing is, when it dies, so does The Undertaker. If I can't do it, I promise you I will die trying. But Deadman, I want that one last opportunity to stand face to face with you. Like your song says, ain't no grave can hold this body down, right? When I end the streak, that's it. It's done. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you go 18 and 1. Undertaker, at Wrestlemania, you will rest in peace."

Ted Dibiase comes out.

"Hey, Triple H! One year ago, I was one of the rising superstars of WWE. I competed my first Wrestlemania match against Randy Orton. And now this year, I'm just an afterthought. Well I won't be an afterthought any more because I'm making my own opportunity. What if I take out the Cerebral Assassin two weeks before Wrestlemania? Then people will have no choice but to take notice of me, Ted Dibiase."

Dibiase heads to the ring, Triple H knocks him off the apron, punches are traded on the outside, HHH slams Dibiase into the steel steps, then throws him into the opposing steel steps, then slams his head again, tosses him into the barricade, grabs a chair, hits him in the stomach, then the back, again, hits her with the point of it, clears the announce table, rolls Dibiase onto the table, crosses his throat and Pedigrees Dibiase through the table.

Match One: United States Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne (non-title)

Lockup, Sheamus tosses Bourne to the ground, then into the corner, to the ground again, stomps, ref break, chops in the ropes, Bourne falls outside the ring. Climbs back in, Sheamus with stomps to his hands, Bourne rebounds with a heel kick, goes up top, Sheamus rolls out of the path of Air Bourne, Bicycle Kick by Sheamus for the win.

Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus: "I am now your new champion of the United States of America!"

Bryan Danielson comes out. "Sheamus, one of the great things about this country is that everybody gets an opportunity, no matter where they're from. Now as the former United States Champion, I'd like to invoke my rematch clause, and I'd like to do it at Wrestlemania."

Sheamus mimes "You and me?" before tossing the title at Danielson and Brogue Kicking him. I think that makes the match official.

Slam of the Week is Randy Orton beating Mason Ryan, then punting Mason Ryan. Afterward, Randy Orton is asked by Jack Korpella what it's like to be on the road in his own private tour bus. Orton says it gives him privacy, and it's like a home away from home. He says he watched the birth of the New Nexus in that bus, but his favourite footage to watch is him punting Nexus. He says that if Punk insists he's sick and twisted, he has no idea what sick and twisted is.

Match Two: Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres (non-title)

Maryse starts trash-talking, Eve slaps her, Maryse shoves her to the ground and begins slapping her about the head. Tosses her to the corner, slams her head into the corner, rope choke, then aided with her knee, misses a charged knee. Michael Cole interrupts the match again, Eve rolls up Maryse, slams her head into the corner, arm drag, boot to the face, another, clothesline, Eve yells at Cole, Standing Moonsault blocked, Maryse has a DDT reversed into a neckbreaker for three.

Winner: Eve Torres

Fuck you, Cole. Cole immediately begins talking, saying he's got another exclusive. WWE Security has to block Eve from trying to kick his ass. Ultimately fails as she does get a shot in.

Match Three: WWE Tag Team Champions The Corre vs. Santino Marella and Vladmir Kozlov (Non-Title)

Marella and Gabriel to start, Gabriel with kicks, misses one, Marella with a hip toss, goes for the Cobra, Slater with a distraction, Gabriel with a kick for two. Slater in, stomps, knee to the back, surfboard stretch, Santino tosses Slater off,Kozlov in, headbutt to Slater, another, boot to the gut, misses a kick on the ropes to Wade Barrett, Slater takes control, neckbreaker, Gabriel in, 450 Splash for the victory.

Winners: The Corre

Four on two beatdown commences, Big Show and Kane come out together to mixed music and a brawl breaks out. The faces (mostly faces?) get the better of it, before hitting a double chokeslam on Ezekiel Jackson. All four faces celebrate in the ring over the corpse of Ezekiel Jackson.

John Cena appears live via satellite (ironic, huh?). He says that next week he plans to be face to face with The Rock, and if there's a problem, it will be settled. Jerry Lawler asks if this has taken Cena's attention away from The Miz, John Cena says that yes he has and he underestimated The Miz, and that Miz is now a worthy champion. He finishes by saying that he's going to make next week memorable.

Immediately after the interview, Michael Cole announces that he's got another "exclusive" up next. Fuck me up the ass with a spoon.

After a commercial, Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are prancing around the ring. Jack Swagger comes after Jerry Lawler, Cole takes a mic.

"Can I have your attention, please? I'd like to introduce you to the man who's going to train me for Wrestlemania to defeat Jerry Lawler in the main event, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jack Swagger. You know last week I provided you with another worldwide exclusive. When I invited Jerry Lawler's biological son to come out and tell the world what kind of a gutless fraud Jerry Lawler really is. I mean, I was so touched by this emotional and heartwarming family reunion that I wanted to relive this moment again. Let's watch the footage again."

A replay of last week's most tasteless segment ever airs.

"And I quote, ashamed of you. You know, Brian Christopher was so appreciative of letting him say his peace last week, that he sent me a gift, and I understand it's more than you ever gave him in his whole life. It's the Lawler family photo album. To really understand someone, you have to understand how they were raised. So without further ado, let's take a look at Jerry, The King Lawler's father."

Cole shows a picture of Lawler's father and makes derogatory comments. If you want to see this in full, Youtube it, because I'm not covering it. I'll give the gist of it, but that's all I can stomach. He calls Lawler's family losers, including his mother. A brawl breaks out between Lawler and Swagger, Lawler gets the best of it, goes after Cole, walks straight into a Swagger clothesline. Cole hops back in the plexiglass pod, Swagger continues beating him, culminating in an ankle lock. Cole steps out of the pod and puts in the hold himself. Didn't Michael Cole say just a few weeks ago that he could be fired for attacking Jerry Lawler? Both men stand atop Lawler.

After a commercial, Michael Cole apologizes for losing his temper, but blames it on Jerry Lawler pushing his buttons. They air a replay of Snooki's appearance last week.

Match Four: Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison (non-title)

Technically, it's true. Morrison is accompanied by Trish Stratus. Lockup, Morrison with an arm twist, reversed, Ziggler with punches, Morrison plants Ziggler in the corner, punches and kicks traded, Ziggler with a shove for two, cross mounted punches, elbows to the back, cover for two, chinlock, Morrison elbows out, Ziggler with a kick, whip, clothesline ducked, Morrison with a heel kick, dumps Morrison outside, goes for a suicide dive, McCool blocks, Stratus clotheslines both members of LayCool, steps in the ring, GM sends a message. Match is now a handicap.

Modified Match Two: Handicap Match: John Morrison and Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool and Vickie Guerrero (Still non-title)

Trish Stratus grabs Vickie by the hair, letting go as the show goes to commercial.

Back on, Ziggler has Morrison in a chinlock. Morrison elbows his way out, hits a Pele kick. Misses a kick to the face, Layla in, Stratus in by proxy. Stratus with fists, boots in the corner, whip to the corner, Layla with a boot, Stratus hits her trademark handstand hurricanrana, chops in the ropes, whip reversed, McCool with a kick to the back, McCool tags in, kick to the head, punches, cover for one,, Stratus with a tilt-a-whire, Layla in, spin kick, cover for one and a half, tosses Stratus down, then again, Vickie Guerrero on, misses a leg drop, Morrison in, Ziggler in by proxy, Morrison with clotheslines, heel kick, slam into the corner, Flash Kick, goes for Starship Pain, Layla pulls Stratus off the apron, Morrison misses the move, Zig Zag, Guerrero in, covers Morrison for three. Isn't Stratus legal?

Winners: Vickie Guerrero, LayCool and John Morrison (non-title)

Even the winners get non-title treatment because it doesn't make a damn bit of sense and neither did that finish.

Another Sin Cara promo airs, followed by a promo for Undertaker/HHH featuring John Cena, Big Show, Arn Anderson, Randy Orton, Ricky Steamboat, Jerry Lawler, John Morrison, JR, Stone Cold, Booker T, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho and Dusty Rhodes. Interesting to note that Chris Jericho's graphic says "WWE Superstar".

Match Five: Wrestlemania Rewind: Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

For historical context, the original match was Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle (c) for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania 22, but I guess close counts here.

Mysterio with a waistlock, Orton with an elbow, trade kicks, Oton with a whip to the corner, Mysterio with a boot, kicks, whip reversed, Mysterio with more kicks, Orton with an uppercut to the jaw. Orton tosses Mysterio to the floor, follows, tosses Mysterio back into the ring, covers for two, drops a knee, cover for two, chinlock. Mysterio elbows out, Orton with a blow to the back, whip to the corner, sets Mysterio up in the top, Mysterio punches Orton, seated senton, off the ropes, Orton with a snap scoopslam. Rope Assist DDT reversed into a 619 attempt. Orton catches Mysterio, tosses his legs out, grabs the head, Rope Assist DDT, CM Punk comes on the 'Tron outside of Randy Orton's bus and says he can't wait to meet his wife. Orton gets to the bus and Punk attacks him with a wrench. Orton's wife screams. Punk says that Orton shouldn't have punted anyone, then kicks Orton in the head. Punk stares at Orton's wife through the bus window before blowing her a kiss. After he leaves, she stands over her husband and screams for help.

Back in the ring, Alex Riley states that he has been re-hired by The Miz as his vice-president of corporate communications. There's a table in the ring with a sheet over it, and Miz comes out without the WWE Title. Could it be? Finally a new WWE Championship?

"You know, in the 1970s, people would travel great distances to say that they saw Muhammed Ali box. In the '80s they would travel to see an in-his-prime Michael Jordan play basketball. Now, in 2011, you people have been blessed with the honour of watching me. You know when I first started, people didn't take me seriously. Some people said that I was annoying. But now look how far we've come. John Cena, The Rock and all of you hang on to every word I say. Last week I imitated The Rock. And it's ironic, because while there have been many wannabe Rock clones over the years, the one person who imitated him perfectly and amazingly is the one person who is one of a kind. I have re-written history. I am someone who has more charisma than Shawn Michaels. Who is physically more dominant than Andre the Giant. Who is far more intelligent than John Cena and The Rock combined. I am the greatest WWE Champion in history. And in the process, I've become bigger than the entire WWE Universe and every single one of you that's in it. I have flipped the WWE since day one, and that is what I'm about to reveal symbolizes and celebrates. This iconic WWE logo, I have flipped it upside down in the form of an M. And that M stands for Miz. The time has now come. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to re-write Miz-tory."

He pulls away the sheet to reveal... The exact same title with the WWE logo flipped upside down. LAME! Miz holds the title up and fastens it around his waist. "This is what the WWE Championship will look like moving forward. It will no longer spin like a toy. You will look at it as the most prestigious, coveted title in the world. I don't intend on being a multi-time champion, because I don't plan on ever losing the WWE Title. Because I'm the Miz, and I'm AWESOME!"

John Cena (via satellite): "Jolly good show Miz. I haven't seen something that emotional since the season finale of flip this house. I mean you took the WWE Title and flipped it to an M. Because if your name. It begins... with an M. Really good, Miz. Just like you beating me up. You see the WWE Universe knows that I'm not invincible. The WWE Universe also knows what you're about to find out. You've targeted the wrong individual. In 13 days, I will make history at Wrestlemania!"

Someone comes in and dismantles John Cena's "house", revealing he's actually in the arena.

"What's happening? I'm supposed to be broadcasting from my home! I am. For the past nine years, the WWE has been my home! And right now, you two jack wagons are right in the middle of my living room and I'm coming to take out the trash."

How did no one notice the giant house set in the backstage area? Cena comes out, charges the ring, Riley throws the table at him and misses. Cena holds his own against both Miz and Alex Riley, the fight heading to the ground. Cena tosses Alex Riley out of the ring, Miz bails, Riley attacks Cena again and Cena traps him in the STF until Miz comes back. Miz stands on the ramp but decides not to do anything. Cena locks in the hold again, Miz charges, Cena lets go, Miz stops. Cena goes back to the hold, Miz leaves completely again. Cena poses in front of the Wrestlemania banner and the show goes off the air.