AngryMarks.com :: Pro Wrestling & Mixed Martial Arts News, Podcasts and Entertainment

Date: 01/21	6:45 PM
Views: 647

After a couple of weeks I definitely wouldn't want to relive, I'm back at the helm of the Raw Recap. Tonight, The Rock and CM Punk continue their intense if so far a bit brief feud, which after last week seems to have gone to a level that even Cena didn't attain against The Brahma Bull. Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio continues to prepare for Big Show's rematch clause match at the Royal Rumble, where the Royal Rumble match will also occur. This year's Rumble match seems to have taken a back burner to other matches at the same event, but sometimes the sleeper Rumbles can turn out to be the best of all. Who will take the match and go on to main event in New Jersey? Find out.

Press F5 or Refresh for more updates.

Raw opens with an MLK day montage, before Vickie Guerrero makes her way out, with Paul Heyman in tow.

"Excuse me! My name is Vickie Guerrero, (etc.), and it is my job to make sure that you are entertained by this show, my show. You may not like me personally, but I am always a professional, and I will always do the right thing, because as a leader, doing the right thing is not the same as the popular thing, especially when it comes to The Rock."

Heyman: "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman. Now, whether you like it or not, I am here this evening in a show of unity, in a show of solidarity with Ms. Vickie Guerrero. You see, last week on Monday Night Raw, one man took it upon himself to defame not only myself but also the best General Manager, and dare I say the sexiest General Manager in the history of this or any other television show, and that man is The Rock."

"You know, The Rock did defame you, and I think everyone needs to see how horrible this was for you. Let's roll the footage. (Footage of The Rock singing to the tune of 'Heartbreak Hotel' and mocking Heyman.)"

"You know, it's one thing to pick a fight with me because in six days The Rock has to answer to the reigning and defending WWE Champion CM Punk, but to pick on a poor, defenseless widow like you is just too much. The Rock said things about you that I wouldn't repeat even in San Jose of all places. I think we should let the footage speak for itself to show how contemptible a human being The Rock is. (Footage airs of The Rock mocking Vickie Guerrero)"

"I am so glad that all of you enjoyed how The Rock maliciously attacked our appearances last week. But tonight, that will not happen. Because while The Rock is here tonight in San Jose, I have officially banned him from entering my arena. And if he tries, he will be arrested by the San Jose police department. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a camera outside right now where your People's Champion has just found out that he cannot enter my arena!"

The camera cuts backstage where The Rock is complaining to the police before vowing to enter the ring anyway. The police threaten once again to arrest him. The Rock then says they should arrest CM Punk for impersonating a champion, Paul Heyman for not wearing a bra in public and Vickie Guerrero, before changing his mind and settling for just asking what her intestines look like with her head up her ass. The officers crack up before The Rock vows once again to make it into the arena.

Vickie: "You think that's funny? The Rock may talk a tough game but if he tries to enter my arena, the only song he's going to sing in Jailhouse Rock!"

Heyman: "Oh, come on, that was very clever."

Vickie: "If you smell! Excuse me! What The Vic is cooking!"

The announcers then declare that there will be a Beat the Clock Challenge for the right to choose entry number into the Royal Rumble.

Match One: Beat the Clock Challenge: Randy Orton vs. US Champion Antonio Cesaro (non-title)

Cesaro goes for a rollup for two, Orton with a side headlock, rollup for one, back to the hold, shoulder block for one, side headlock, Cesaro reverses with a hammerlock, transitions to a side headlock, snapmare for two, keeps the hold locked in as the clock hits a minute, Orton tries to punch his way out, whip, Cesaro with a shoulder block for two, side headlock, Orton reverses into a headlock of his own, rope break, Cesaro with punches, side headlock, Orton reverses, Thesz Press for two as the clock hits two, Orton with punches, suplex blocked, Cesaro with a small package for two, Orton with a dropkick for two, Cesaro rolls out of the ring, Orton with a clothesline, throws Cesaro back in, covers for two, clock hits three, commercial.

Back on, the clock is hitting seven as Cesaro knocks Orton off the top rope, rolls him back in, cover for two, covers again for two, eight minutes elapsed, chinlock, Orton punches his way out, European Uppercut, Cesaro with a tilt-a-whirl slam, double stomp for two, chinlock as the clock hits nine, Orton whips his way out, Cesaro with a boot, Orton with dual clotheslines, snap scoopslam, waits, hangman's DDT reversed into a jackknife for two at ten. Cesaro with a Very European Uppercut for two, covers again for two, throws Orton into the ring post as the clock hits 11, Orton rolls out of the ring, Cesaro throws him back in, Orton hits an RKO for three.

Winner: Randy Orton in 11:36

Yeah, that'll last until... the next match.

They then revisit the announcement that Mick Foley will be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Match Two: Big Show vs. Zack Ryder

Good thing this isn't a Beat the Clock Challenge match. Show will instead be facing Del Rio in what has just been announced to be another Last Man Standing match. Brad Maddox hits the announce table.

Show beats Ryder all the way around the ring before connecting with the WMD for three.

Winner: Big Show

Show offers a preview of the Last Man Standing match by putting a foot on Zack Ryder's chest and counting to ten. He gets to five before he starts screaming at the crowd for chanting "What?" at him and storms off.

Backstage, Paul Heyman is assuring someone over the phone that The Rock won't be in the building tonight. Brad Maddox then walks in and starts talking about his desire to be famous, and Heyman proclaims admiration for his dedication and promises to take him places.

Match Three: Ryback vs. Heath Slater

Oh dear fuck. I think the first match of the night may be longer than all the others combined.

Lockup, Ryback with a shove. Slater with an elbow, dropkick to the leg, punches, Ryback hulks up, grabs the hand, clothesline, spinebuster, Meat Hook clothesline, punch for the attempting-to-interfere McIntyre, pulls Mahal into the ring, throws him into McIntyre, Shellshocked for his actual opponent for three.

Winner: Ryback

Ryback: "Damn, my job is fun! This Sunday is my first Royal Rumble match. It is a match that I was made for, it is a match that I will thrive on. It is a match that will lead me to the main event of Wrestlemania! Feed me more!"

Backstage, The Rock has switched to just asking the police to let him in. The Rock tries to appeal the the police's duty to serve and protect the people. Yeah, ask how that worked out during Occupy Wall Street. Still, the cops seem to agree with him, one officer even says that he had tickets. Vickie Guerrero then tells the officers to arrest him for causing a disturbance, which the officers say they can't do. Vickie says that their superior said they had to do what she said or they would be suspended. That sounds made up, and in fact nothing comes of it. Vickie then offers to lift the ban in The Rock apologizes, which he refuses to do and Vickie leaves in tears. The Rock then says he has a plan.

CM Punk makes his way to the ring, and takes a mic. "What I have here, I hold more dear to my heart than most men hold their families. This is my life's work, and for 428 days, I have proven that I am the man. But 428 days is just a fraction of the time it's taken to get to this point. I've worked half my life to get this, the most prestigious title the WWE has to offer, and I will not allow The Rock or any man to take this from me. The Rock is here to entertain, The Rock is here to electrify. The Rock is here to sing songs and tell jokes, I am here to hurt people and be champion. I will not allow The Rock to leave the WWE Champion because this is why I am here. It's important because I have made it important. What's important to the Rock is the most meaningless thing possible: You. The people, the signs, the adulation, he is proud to be the People's Champion, almost as proud as I am to be a real champion. I will not allow The Rock to become WWE champion because I've been in the ring with him, I've looked him in the eye and I see into his soul and I see why he's so proud to be the People's Champion, it's because he knows that he cannot be this. A long time ago, I was forced to make a choice between hypocritical humility and honest arrogance, and I chose honest arrogance while The Rock foolishly chose all of you. You can call him electrifying, you can call him the Great One, but you cannot call him champion, because this belongs to me. You earn this with blood, with sweat, with tears and for 428 days I have done just that. I have earned the right to be called champion! I have earned the right to be the man! In six days, Rock, this is what you're on a collision course with, so for six days please, by all means, enjoy being the People's Champion, enjoy the chants, the signs, I want you to slap every hand your sheep-like fans have to offer, because I realized something a long time ago, and that is that the people do not matter. This is all that matters. And in six days, Royal Rumble, it doesn't matter if I smell what The Rock is cooking, all that matters is that what these people cannot give you will remain around the waist of your undisputed WWE Champion, the best in the world, CM Punk."

Match Four: Beat the Clock Challenge: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz

Bonus challenge: Try to win the match in enough time that this match plus the last two last less than 11:36. It's probably actually doable. I should've timed the past two, I've got my stopwatch right here.

Miz with a dropkick for two, rollup for two, Dolph shoots a leg, Miz with a side headlock, shoulder tackle, 11 left, cover for two, Dolph with a punch, rollup for two, side headlock, Miz whips his way out, leapfrogs, arm drag blocked, whip, rollup for two, both men trade additional rollups for two, Dolph with a dropkick for two, 10 left, Dolph with a neckbreaker for two, chinlock, Miz to his feet, Dolph with a piggyback sleeper, Miz back to a knee, Miz back up, throws Dolph to the corner, snapmare, 9 left, mounted punches, kick to the gut, knee to the face, chop block, elbow to the knee, knee to the knee, Figure Four blocked, Dolph tosses Miz out of the ring, Langston throws him into the apron, Dolph hits the floor, 8 left, tosses Miz back in the ring for two, commercial.

Back on, Ziggler has Miz in a chinlock, 4 left, Miz elbows his way out, Dolph with a punch, neckbreaker reversed into a backslide for two, sunset flip for two, big boot for two, Dolph with a punch, Miz with a kic, trading kicks, Miz with punches in the corner, hanging clothesline, double axe handle for two, calls for the Skull Crushing finale, reversed into a rollup for two, reversed into a rollup with tights for two, Dolph with a swinging DDT for two, 2 left, Miz with an elbow, Miz combo blocked, Dolph goes for a jawbreaker, reversed into a Figure Four, AJ distracts, Langston drags Dolph to the ropes, Miz follows Dolph out of the ring, throws him back in, follows, rollup for two, Langston with a distraction, Zig Zag for three.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler in 10:56

After a commercial, Dr. Shelby is in the ring, introducing Team Hell No for their anger management graduation ceremony.

Shelby: "Gentlemen, I'd just like to say let's look at how far you've come. Kane, when we first started, you were a maniacal maksed monster who would rather hurt than hug. And Daniel Bryan, you were a tightly wound little man who would snap if anyone said anything about your goat face or the fact that your beard looks like a hotel for rats. But now, here you are ready to graduate."

Dr. Shelby puts their hats on and adjusts the tassles to the other side. "Now traditionally, the top student gets to get up here and talk about their feelings. Now since I don't give grades, as a final exercise, I'll ask you both who you would like to be the valedictorian."

Kane: "Well, obviously, it's Daniel Bryan."

"No, I think Kane is the right choice."

"Daniel Bryan has never had a problem talking, why stop now?"

"You're the valedictorian!"

"You're the valedictorian!"

Shelby: "Guys! Daniel, would a hug make you feel better?"

"Yes."

"And Kane, would a hug make you feel better?"

"I guess."

"So then what if everybody hugged at the same time?"

Kane: "Everybody?"

Shelby: "Everybody."

Kane: "What about... Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler?"

Shelby: "Oh, they're going to hug."

Michael Cole extends the invitation for a hug, which Lawler accepts.

Bryan: "What about Dr. Sanford and Justin Roberts?"

Shelby: "They're going to hug."

Kane: "What about these three guys?"

Bryan: "What about this guy in the Yes shirt with the mustache and his friend?"

This continues for some time, as everyone in the crowd hugs. The tag champs then pose, and the question of valedictorian has apparently been lost.

Match Five: Divas Champion Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox (non-title)

Fox throws Kaitlyn into the corner, Kaitlyn throws Fox out of the ring, baseball slide, punches, Fox with a knee to the face, hair pull throw, misses a scissor kick, hits a clothesline instead for two, chinlock, Kaitlyn with an elbow, snapmares her way out of the hold, Fox with a shove, misses a scissor kick again, Kaitlyn with a spear for three.

Winner: Kaitlyn

I like Kaitlyn using the spear as a finisher, but I wish she had kept her old one as well.

Backstage, Heyman shows Punk to a skybox and promises a "Paul Bomb".

Heyman hits the ring. "I'm not only the voice of the voice of the voiceless, but I stand before you as his friend, strategist and advisor. I noticed that when he was out here, some of what he said went over your heads, and so I'm also going to act as his interpreter. In other words, I'm going to keep it simple. Now so many people think that it's a foregone conclusion that The Rock is leaving the Rumble as the WWE Champion, but I assure you he is not. You see, Vince McMahon is a tyrant, and he is desperate for someone, anyone to defeat CM Punk for the WWE Championship. It just so happens that January's flavour of the month. Let me make this clear: The Rock may be preoccupied with what I don't have down there, but if he's thinking about me, he's not prepared for CM Punk. The Rock is not facing me, he is facing the longest reigning WWE Champion in 25 years. And just like the people, The Rock is stupid!"

The Rock then makes his entrance, complete with a ticket to the show in his hand. You know, I'm not sure access to the entrance ramp and ring are included in price of admission. "To the San Jose Police Department, The Rock says thank you for the ticket."

"That ticket does not entitle you to--"

"Shut your mouth, twinkie tits! You leave this ring or The Rock will slap the taste right out of your mouth. CM Punk, 428 days you've been WWE Champion. You've been king of the mountain, it's historic. The Rock knows how badass you are, you have earned the right to call yourself the best in the world. It does not change the fact that tonight is your last Raw as WWE Champion! You're obsessed with how The Rock entertains. You're obsessed with how proud I am to the be people's champion, you bet your ass I am. But it doesn't change the fact that when you take it all away, you still have a man who in this ring, outside of it, outside of the arena or in the street, I will rip your face off. The Rock has waited ten long years for this shot. I've worked my ass off for ten long years. Blood, sweat and respect. I've given the first two and I've earned the last. Just like Martin Luther King, The Rock has a dream! My dream is to go to the mountaintop and come back the WWE Champion!

If you looked into The Rock's soul like you said you did, then you would know that I promise to beat you at the Royal Rumble, and when that's done this Sunday, every man woman and child from Bangkok to Brazil, Moscow to Miami and back here to San Jose, every man woman and child will be saying 'Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last!"

The lights go out and when they come back, The Shield are attacking The Rock. He starts to rebound before The Shield starts beating the hell out of him again. They finish with a triple-team powerbomb before Punk takes a mic. "Bad news, Rock, on top of that mountain there is only room for one. Free at last? Listen, when you wake up from your dream, Rock, you just weren't great enough to beat the best in the world."

Punk poses from his skybox as The Rock spews blood in the ring.

Match Six: Beat the Clock Challenge: Sheamus vs. IC Champion Wade Barrett (non-title)

Lockup, Sheamus with a side headlock, snapmare, Barrett with a whip, Sheamus with a shoulder tackle, Barrett with a cover for two, Sheamus presses Barrett to the corner, break, Barrett with a boot, punch, 10 left, sheamus with punches, shoulder tackles in the corner, Barrett with a whip, Sheamus with a clothesline, rolling fireman's carry senton, goes for chops in the corner, break, Barrett with an arm breaker across the ropes, 9 left, Sheamus hits the ropes, Barrett follows, clothesline, commercial.

Back on, five left, Barrett with a boot to the gut in the corner, cover for two, armbar, Sheamus escapes, Barrett with punches, Sheamus with double axe handles, 4 left, knee to the face, clothesline misses, presses Barrett to the apron, chops in the ropes, suplex back in the ring, cover for two, Sheamus stares at the clock, White Noise blocked, 3 left, Barrett throws Sheamus to the corner, knee, pump handle slam blocked, Brogue Kick misses, Barrett with a kick to the gut, mule kick to the jaw for two, elbow for two, 2 left, Barrett goes for Wasteland, blocked, Sheamus with White Noise, 1:30 left, calls for the Brogue Kick, Dolph, AJ and Langston hit the ring, AJ with the distraction, Barrett with a Black Hole Slam for two, 20 seconds left, both men calling for their finishers, Brogue Kick, clock expires during the cover.

Neither Man Wins, Dolph Ziggler wins the challenge

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler heads to Vickie's office, makes a point of being all over AJ before Vickie informs him that she said he got to pick his number, but never said that all numbers would be available options. She lets him choose between number one and number two, and walks off before he can answer.

Backstage, Vince McMahon confronts CM Punk and Paul Heyman, who deny involvment in the attack on The Rock. McMahon then promises that there will be consequences if The Shield get involved on Sunday. Heyman professes his innocence along the lines that The Shield have picked multiple targets, and Punk's opponents are only a few among them. Vince promises that if they interfere, Punk will be stripped of the title.

Match Seven: World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Tensai (non-title)

Tensai with punches, shoulder tackle, headbutts in the corner, whip, Del Rio sells hard, Tensai with a splash, then another for two, Del Rio with knees, missile dropkick, German for two, enziguri in the corner, moonsault for three.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

That moonsault was actually terrible. Not the moonsault itself, just the fact that Tensai was, like, inches away from the corner. Del Rio then grabs a mic and promises he'll win, and the ten-count will be in Spanish. I love the idea of having a Mexican icon, but dear fuck are they laying it on thick.

They then announce the next inductee into the Hall of Fame class of 2013: Bob Backlund. Dear fuck, they're going all out this year. Usually they have one definite headliner each year, but so far either could be called #1.

And just as I'm nearing the end of recapping the last ten minutes of Raw, my computer freaks out on me and I lost ten minutes of promo. Good thing for rewind. This one's going to be a late one, folks.

John Cena hits the ring. "Lively bunch here tonight. It's probably because you all had a restful Sunday. On the seventh day, there was rest. It doesn't matter if you love me or hate me, we all love Sundays. Like this young man in the front row. (ten year old kid) You probably love Sundays, day off of school, right? You finished your homework early, right? So you probably call up your friends to go out and-- wait, kids today don't use phones or go out and play. You probably... wait, you play video games, don't you? You're the 10th level prestige who's keeping me at n00b status on Black Ops 2, aren't you? You're ruining my cyber-life! Between you and me, when I play the game my username is... skidmarks187. Don't laugh, I'm a grown man, I eat fruity pebbles and play video games. We all do what we want. Like this lady. You probably spend your Sunday reliving your Saturday. Girls night out, have a few appletinis, then wake up Sunday and post all the pictures from last night. But only the ones you're in and only the ones where you're looking good, we know the rules. Then you hop off to the gym with a $12 cup of coffee, post a picture of yourself in yoga class, then back to the apartment to surf Youtube and listen to Taylor Swift to get over your last breakup or maybe Nicki Minaj because you might have met someone last night. Here's the bump in the road with your Sunday, the guy you met last night is right over here. And I know his Sunday too well. Wake up around 1:30 or 2 in a pool of bodily fluids, maybe yours, maybe not. You have a reciept in your back pocket for 163 jagerbombs and two blow-up dolls. And you can only find one. There's a tattoo of Judge Joe Brown on your left shoulder and you have no idea how it got there. And on top of that, you Bret Farved yourself on Facebook. Point is, we all do different things on Sunday, except this Sunday. Because this is the Royal Rumble. And right now everybody in the WWE Universe is picking who they think will win or won't win. This Sunday, unlike any other Sunday, it stars can be made, and history can be written! This Sunday will be an all-out war! So this Sunday, the video games will be on pause, the yoga will be done at home and the hangovers will have to wait until Sunday night. And whether you're in Phoenix, Arizona or watching at home, the world will find out what I already know: This Sunday, I will win the Royal Rumble!"

Sheamus comes out to voice his objection, followed by the Primetime Players, Randy Orton, The Miz, Team Hell No, Antonio Cesaro, 3MB and then the entire rest of the Raw Roster, all proclaiming their claim to winning the Rumble match. A brawl breaks out in the ring between everyone as Raw goes off the air.