Date: 01/28	7:05 PM
Views: 696

Last night's Royal Rumble Pay Per View was, to put it mildly, huge. John Cena has become only the fourth man in history to win multiple Royal Rumbles, CM Punk is no longer WWE Champion after an astonishing 434 days and The Rock IS WWE Champion after an astonishing 10 and a half years! While I've always maintained that the road to Wrestlemania properly begins the first Raw after TLC (the first Raw in the lead-up to the Rumble), the card for Wrestlemania begins to take shape tonight. Tonight should be absolutely brilliant, and if you can't see it on TV, the next best thing is right here.

Raw opens with a Raw Roulette promo. Vickie Guerrero then introduces the concept, which this week involves three wheels: One for stipulations, one with the entire Raw Roster, and a Vickie's Challenge wheel. Not all three wheels need necessarily be used at once. She then spins a wheel and establishes that Randy Orton will face Antonio Cesaro with a special guest referee.

CM Punk hits the ring, absolutely fucking livid. I know the feeling at the moment.

"This is day 435 of the most historic WWE Championship reign of the modern era! I did not lose, I beat The Rock and retained my championship and became the new People's Champion! Me! Nobody else! I did not lose! That's who you want to get behind? A cheater? Someone who can't pin the champion without someone else's help? You're all cheaters, no good swindlers, just like Vince McMahon, just like The Rock! For 434 days I was a real champion, I didn't need anyone to restart a match illegally. Vince McMahon screwed me worse than he screwed Bret Hart, last night will forever be known as the Phoenix Screwjob! I got screwed! You wanna celebrate, Las Vegas? The Rock's going to come out here and throw a party! In my world, you don't get restarts, water breaks. I got screwed. I'm the people's champion and I'm here to crash your party!"

Vince McMahon himself interjects.

Punk: "You're a thief! You're a robber!"

"Mr. Punk, I crashed your party last night and I can do it again last night. I've received information from a source whose name I will not disclose which I will share with everyone later tonight when it comes. Apparently there is video that proves without a shadow of a doubt that you were complicit with The Shield."

Heyman: "If I may--"

Vince: "You may not. You've had your time for your crap! So Mr. Heyman, you and I are going to have a little chat here later tonight in front of everyone, we'll call it a personal performance review regarding your contract, and it could result in your termination. Have a nice party."

Vince leaves as Heyman looks on worried and Punk continues to seethe.

Match One: Randy Orton vs. US Champion Antonio Cesaro (non-title) Special Referee: The Miz

Match begins already in progress with Orton kicking out at two, Orton with a suplex for two, throw to the corner, stomps, punches, Orton with a boot to the gut, whip, reversed, Orton with a clothesline for two, back suplex for two, punch on the floor, Cesaro with a kick, punches, goes to throw him into the barricade, Orton blocks, punch, back suplex into the barricade, throws him back into the ring, European Uppercut on the apron, then another, stomps, Miz calls for a break, Orton with a slingshot across the bottom rope, cover for two, trading punches, actually trading european uppercuts, Cesaro wins, that's actually a very bold statement, Orton back body drops Cesaro out of the ring, clothesline, commercial.

Back on, Cesaro with a back body drop, goes up top, Orton with punches, Cesaro with a headbutt, drops Orton's head across the turnbuckle, throws him back in the ring, cover for two, chinlock, Orton punches his way out, headbutt, off the ropes, Cesaro with a body slam for two, running double stomp, gutwrench suplex for two, chinlock, Orton elbows his way out, counters a body slam, hits double clotheslines, snap powerslam, whip to the corner, Cesaro hits a knee, goes up top, spinning elbow for two, argues with the ref, Orton hits a backbreaker in his trademark style, Cesaro tries to leave the ring, Orton goes for a hangman's DDT, Cesaro with a poke to the eye, punches in the corner, Miz physically forces a break, Cesaro argues, tries to go back to punching, Miz pulls him away again, more arguing, Orton with an RKO for three.

Winner: Randy Orton

Miz feigns helping Cesaro up after the match before hitting a Skull Crushing Finale and mocking Cesaro's fist bumping taunts.

Backstage, someone lands on "Make me laugh" on the Vickie's Challenge wheel. It's then revealed to be Ryback.

Ryback hits the ring, where his "opponents" are apparently the Primetime Players. It's a simple joke-telling contest.

O'Neill: "What did the woman say to Matt Striker last night when he asked her on a date?"

Young: "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

There's no punchline there. The crowd boos.

Ryback: "I have a joke. What has four eyes, twenty fingers and is about to be unconscious?"

He immediately begins beating down the Primetime Players. O'Neill manages to get some offense in before running into a Spinebuster. Ryback follows up with a Meat Hook Clothesline and Shellshocked. Darren Young protests but does nothing to help. Matt Striker proclaims Ryback the winner, which apparently doesn't make him happy and Striker receives Shellshocked himself.

Wade Barrett lands on "Player's Choice", allowing him to choose his own opponent.

Match Two: Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett vs. Bo Dallas

Barrett sends Dallas to the corner, Dallas rebounds with punches, two arm drags, dropkick, break as Barrett looks on in shock, charges, misses a clothesline but hits a heel kick, throw to the second turnbuckle, stomps, headbutt, big boot, running kick to the gut, stomp, kick, another kick to the back, stomp to the head, clothesline reversed into a powerslam for three!

Winner: Bo Dallas

And with that I think Bo Dallas just became a full member of the Raw Roster.

Backstage, Cody Rhodes spins the wheel of opponents and comes away with John Cena.

Match Three: Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena

Lockup, Rhodes with a side headlock, Cena with an arm drag, dropkick, punches, boot to the gut, suplex, Cody grabs a mic and proclaims that this is a waste of himself and he's leaving. Cena grabs him, dual shoulder blocks, protoplex, Shuffle, AA for three.

Winner: John Cena

Cena: "By the sound of it, some of you didn't pick me to win the Royal Rumble, huh? Well, any one of the other 29 can tell you how they should've won the Royal Rumble. But there's one man, this man, who can stand here and tell you about how I won the Royal Rumble. And no doubt, throwing Ryback over the top rope was an unpredictable step, and an enormous one. But the next one is big too. For now is the time when the winner issues a challenge to the champion of their choosing for Wrestlemania. For me, this is the most difficult step. The choice for me becomes difficult because World Heavyweight Championship aside, the person who holds the WWE Championship going into Wrestlemania will either be CM Punk or The Rock. CM Punk: A man who for the past two years has been impossible to beat. Say what you want about Punk, but a true champion finds a way to win. The past six times, Punk has done just that. Either he has won or I just have not got the job done. And then there's The Rock. I've talked openly about him even before he returned, and I did that for one reason only: To ensure that when he did come back, he challenged one man, and that was me. And he did, and for months, I opened up and told you all about how important this match was to me and how I had to win on that night. And for one year, I jousted with The Rock physically, verbally. And I proved to the world that not only am I in The Rock's league, there were moments where he couldn't even carry my jock strap. Everything seemed perfect until Wrestlemania 28. A year of my life worthless, because everyone only remembers who won that match and who lost that match. I lost. The Rock won. And with the legions of The Rock's fans chanting his name, you realize I have a difficult choice. And what better a city to understand me than Las Vegas. This was a city built on odds. Which title do I choose? Do I pick the World Heavyweight Championship which I have a much better chance of winning, or the WWE Championship, which I have virtually no chance of winning? I'll tell you what I'm not going to do: I'm not going to wait. I'm going to make my decision right here and right now. I, John Cena, challenge at Wrestlemania 29... (stares at the sign) I challenge the WWE Champion! So this is a message to both CM Punk and The Rock: You are both marked men in my eyes. We are all on the road to Wrestlemania--"

The Shield make their way to the ring, and Cena comes out swinging. The Shield try to grab him as he kicks wildly. They take control before Sheamus comes out swinging himself. Sheamus is stomped into oblivion himself before Ryback comes out, tosses Ambrose and Rollins out of the ring, tees off on Reigns, the other two pull him out of the ring and throw him into the steps, Sheamus hits the floor and swings before being thrown into the ring post. Back in the ring, Cena launches his attack again and is eventually himself beat back down again. Triple team powerbomb is not far off and The Shield leave through the crowd again.

Backstage, the wheel lands on lingerie pillow fight, before the contestants are revealed to be... Tensai and Brodus Clay. Tensai storms off before Vickie asks Clay to spin the Vickie's Challenge wheel instead, fearing a public relations crisis. It lands on Dance-Off, and Clay somewhat facetiously promises to inform Tensai of the change.

Tensai comes out... still dressed in lingerie and thinking it's a pillow fight. He cuts off King with a "Let's just get this over with" before he can inform him of the change. After revealing himself dressed in a negligee, King informs him of the change.

Clay goes first, and busts out his usual moves. Tensai openly refuses to participate, before Kings reminds him that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Clay offers words of encouragement to Tensai, who busts out a Robot, the Gangnam Style dance, Lawn Mower and then assorted other moves, as Ron Simmons hits the teleprompter and gives his trademark one word assessment of the events that have just transpired.

Backstage, Alberto Del Rio lands on Body Slam Challenge, before promising that anything can happen in Vegas.

Match Four: Body Slam Challenge: World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show (non-title)

Show with a punch, chop, Del Rio with punches, kick, Show with a knockout punch, pulls out a roll of duct tape, Ricardo tries to interject, gets swatted down, Show tapes Del Rio's arm to the rope, Ricardo tries to act as a human shield, Show throws him across the ring and chops him in the corner, continues to throw him across the ring as Del Rio comes to and struggles against the duct tape. Show with another chop to Ricardo, throws him into the barricade, back into the ring, body slam, stands on his head, Del Rio tries to kick at Show, who responds by stomping him and applying more tape. Show with another chop to Ricardo, calls for a knockout punch, Del Rio tries to convince him not to do it unsuccessfully, Show punches Ricardo, kicks Del Rio, punches, fakes out a punch in the face, another kick, finally hits the knockout punch.

Match Never Started

Match Five/Four: Showgirls Lumberjill Match: Divas Champion Kaitlyn vs. Tamina (non-title)

Both women jockey for position before Tamina hits a fly swatter, stomps in the corner, snapmare, chinlock, throw down, kick to the back, Kaitlyn falls out of the ring, the heel lumberjills swarm, Kaitlyn takes one of their hats, hits Tamina with it, clothesline, mounted punches, kick, puts the hat on Tamina, dropkick, covers, the divas swarm the ring and a giant brawl breaks out, Tamina escapes the brawl, as does Kaitlyn, both of whom just sit and wait for the brawl to end. The Generic Divas theme hits and everyone suddenly clears the ring.

No Contest. Again.

The Rock comes out with his new WWE Championship in tow. Brief side note for the sake of being a stats nerd: While The Rock's ten and a half year title drought may be obscenely long, it isn't the longest in WWE history. Believe it or not, that record is held by a man who was (and still is) a member of the active roster the whole time: Kane. WWE Title in 1998, and while he did win a number of smaller titles in the interim, he didn't win a world title again until 2010. Twelve years.

"There is only one word that can describe this moment: One word that can describe our journey, and that is, finally! Finally, The Rock has come back to Las Vegas! And finally, The Rock is WWE Champion! There is no accolade on this Earth that is more deeply engrained in my blood than this WWE Championship. From 1998 to 2003 I had the honour of winning seven of these WWE Championships. And at this time, I can honestly tell you that winning it this time was the proudest moment of my career. I've already thanked my friends. I've already thanked my family. But I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you. For 434 days, CM Punk has come out here and run his mouth. He said you didn't count, you didn't matter. He said each and every one of you were nothing. Well, I'm here to tell you that those days, those crap days are over. No longer is CM Punk going to come out here looking like a homeless, tattooed freak, and his bald fat manager Paul Heyman, who every time he comes out here isn't thinking about CM Punk, he's wondering if he has a bra big enough to hold his deep fried twinkie tits. Tonight, we usher in a new era. We usher in the People's Era. We're going to celebrate. And bouncing baby Buddha under a moonlit sky, we're partying in Las Vegas and we're all getting pie."

Punk comes out. "Look at you embarrassing yourself and embarrassing me. For 434 days I made that title important and you're flushing it all down the toilet. You didn't win that title, it was handed to you like everything else in your spoon-fed life. If you were a man, you'd understand that that title is prestigious because I made it prestigious. If you were a man, and you had any respect for your father and grandfather who grew up in this business, you would come up to me and say, 'Here's your title back sir, because I didn't win it, congratulations on being the best in the world.'"

"If you had an ounce of manhood and nuts between your legs, you would come down that ramp and take it. So you've got two choices: You can come here and face me like a man or stand up on that stage like a punk-ass bitch."

Punk starts to head toward the ring before stopping. "I'm going to stand here like a punk ass bitch, because CM Punk doesn't do things on your terms. I do things when I want to. And I'm thinking I might grant you a rematch, possibly, and since tonight doesn't fit my schedule, how about Chattanooga, Tennessee on Friday, that's where I'll be. Birmingham Alabama is on my schedule on Sunday, but if that isn't on your schedule, I can give you in three weeks time."

"You want a rematch at Elimination Chamber? Fine, but you won't be taking the WWE Championship, you'll be taking the ass kicking of a lifetime, punk-ass bitch!"

Match Six/Five/Possibly Four But Probably Not: Tables Match: Damien Sandow vs. Sheamus

Lockup, Sandow bails, kick, blocked, Sheamus with a trip, punches, whip, reversed, Sandow has an arm drag blocked, Sheamus misses a clothesline, Sandow bails, Sheamus with a clothesline, throw into the steel steps, grabs a table, sets it up, punch, body slam blocked, Sandow rolls back in the ring, then out the other side, Sheamus follows, Sandow with a dropkick, gets a table of his own, Sheamus with a chop, throws the table into Sandow, rolls it in the ring, Sandow drops Sheamus' shoulder onto the table, not yet set up, arm drag, knees to the elbow, Sandow grabs another table, throws it into Sheamus, sets up his arm in the legs of the table and stomps, drops a knee, tries to throw Sheamus into the table, Sheamus blocks, tries to throw Sandow into the table outside the ring, Sandow holds on to the apron, Brogue Kick misses, Sheamus hits a battering ram, throws Sandow to the corner, punches, whip, Sandow reverses into a Russian Leg Sweep, Elbow of Disdain, sets up the table that Sheamus brought into the ring, throws Sheamus into the side of it, stomp, sets the table up all the way, rolls Sheamus onto it, punches, climbs to the top rope, Sheamus to his feet, punch, chops in the ropes, suplex blocked, Sandow drops Sheamus' throat across the bottom rope, charges, Sheamus catches him, White Noise through the table that was set up in the corner.

Winner: Sheamus

The Great Khali and Zack Ryder assemble in the ring for a karaoke challenge. Khali gets halfway through mangling "Sexy Boy" before 3MB interject, and call themselves music. Ryder argues and McIntyre responds by doing air guitar, which Khali responds to by chopping him in the head. Mahal charges Ryder only to get a RoughRyder, and Slater gets chopped in the head before Hornswoggle hits a Tadpole Splash.

Chris Jericho makes his way out after a commercial to address his return last night.

"It is great to be back in the WWE right now! I was only gone for six months, but it felt like six years and when I was the surprise #2 entrant, it was the greatest moment and I want to thank every Jerichoholic that makes me feel so good every time I'm here and it's something I will never, EEEEEEEEEVER forget again!"

Dolph Ziggler has words to say about this. "Chris, I'm so glad you had such a great time. Before I eliminated you. And in other news, what are you doing here? You don't work here. Remember? Last year, I beat you and ended your WWE career."

AJ: "Remember? I was GM and I made you put your contract on the line against Ziggy's briefcase. Sorry about that, by the way. I was personally involved in getting Y2J out of WWE."

Jericho: "Ziggy, can you put your crazy bitch on a leash?"

Big E: "I think you should leave."

Jericho: "Oh, hey, Big E. Just got an E for a first name. What is it, your bra size? Those are some massive pecs."

Ziggler: "Enough with the crappy jokes, you don't even work here. Leave. You don't belong here any more, got it?"

Vickie (via 'Tron): "Excuse me, Dolph? The person who signed Chris Jericho to a contract was me. I don't put my personal feelings in business matters. But if the two of you would like to have a match, let's spin the wheel. (Wheel lands on 'Strange Bedfellows') That's perfect! Instead of you two facing each other, you'll team against the strangest bedfellows the WWE has ever seen: Team Hell No."

Match Number Something Or Other: WWE Tag Champs Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Chris Jericho (non-title)

Ziggler starts off against Kane by punching him, Kane with a whip, Ziggler grabs the ropes, commercial.

Back on, Ziggler has Bryan in a headlock, punch, body slam, elbow drop for two, trading kicks, Jericho tags himself in, clothesline, springboard dropkick for Kane, misses a lionsault, Walls of Jericho blocked, Bryan with a dropkick, Kane in, Jericho throws Bryan into Kane, prompting an argument, then a shoving match, Jericho tags in Ziggler, then shoves Kane from behind, causing Kane to think Ziggler did it, who pays for his almost-crime with a huge chokeslam for three.

Winners: Team Hell No

The argument continues as the announcers present the revelation of the third inductee into the Hall of Fame Class of 2013: Trish Stratus.

Vinnie Mac hits the ring. "We all know I like to have fun, and there's no better place to do it than Las Vegas, Nevada. Let's have some fun, Paul Heyman, come on down! If you're looking for CM Punk, you won't find him, he was escorted out of the building a few minutes ago. We don't have all night."

Heyman enters apprehensively. Heyman offers a handshake, which McMahon accepts out of tradition before busting out a bottle of Purell, and rubbing the entire thing on his hands.

"So, Mr. Heyman, let me ask you a question: Have you ever had The Shield or Brad Maddox under contract?"

"I wanna thank you for this opportunity to come out here and look you in the eye and settle this once and for all, because the answer to that question and you have every right to ask it, the answer is no. I've never had anything to do with The Shield or Brad Maddox."

"Mr. Heyman, have you ever, in your life, lied?"

"You know, I remember a long time ago in the MSG locker room, I remember your father saying that adversity defines a man's character, so I will tell you that I've lied every day of my stinking life because I am a promoter, and that's what promoters do. We lie to survive. Whatever answer I had to give any given night to survive, that's what I did. I have lied on the souls of my loved ones, I have lied through my teeth, I have lied, lied, lied because that's what it took to survive, but let me tell you, let me look you in the eye right now, knowing that my career is on the line, I swear on all that is holy, I have lied every day of my life, but I am not lying now."

"So you're an honourable man."

"I don't know if I am, but I'm trying. And maybe I can learn from you. I can't tell you I've been a saint, I've never been a saint. But I want to be here, and if that's what it takes to be an honourable man then, dammit, that's what I'll be."

"Let's get a close-up on this honourable man. Closer, closer, closer. Is this an honourable face? Is this an honourable man? I'd like to show you some footage, and then we'll get your thoughts on it. Now, odds are this was shot a few weeks ago in Northern California."

The shot, from a few weeks ago, is of Paul Heyman chastizing Brad Maddox for coming back for more work and more work when The Shield always waits for Punk and Heyman to come to them. The Shield then come in and beat down Maddox, then the camera. I think this makes the culprit pretty obvious as to who supplied the footage.

Vince: "Well? Mr. Heyman, this is a personal performance review. I think they're singing your song, but I'd like to hear some kind of explanation."

"That wasn't me."

"What?"

"That wasn't me. You know what it's like to be falsely accused. You know what I'm going through right now. That wasn't me."

"That wasn't you?"

"I have a thick New York Jewish accent, and it is very easy to duplicate. We are in Las Vegas, a city full of impersonators, and I put it to you that that is an impersonator doing a very poor impersonation of Paul Heyman. I am being set up because of envy and jealousy because of my success. My success with ECW, my success with CM Punk."

"Are you trying to convince us or yourself? Was that Brad Maddox?"

"Yes."

"Was that The Shield?"

"Yes."

"But not you."

"That was not Paul Heyman."

"Is Paul Heyman lying? Does Paul Heyman deserve to be fired? Mr. Heyman, it looks like I'm going to have to wish you well in all your future endeavours. In other words, Mr. Heyman, you're--"

Brock Lesnar's music cuts off Mr. McMahon as Lesnar enters the arena for the first time since the summer. Lesnar stares down McMahon before telling Heyman to leave. He stares down the chairman, who doesn't budge an inch.

McMahon: "If I were you, I wouldn't do something I'm going to regret later on. Think about it."

Heyman begins begging Vince McMahon to leave the ring, continuously assuring Brock Lesnar that he had everything under control. Lesnar drops the chairman with an F5, as Heyman screams for him to stop. Lesnar leaves the ring as Raw goes off the air.