Date: 02/18	7:45 PM
Views: 510

After last night's Elimination Chamber pay per view, Wrestlemania is starting to take shape. While no championships changed hands, two surprising developments occurred: First, Jack Swagger kicked his comeback up to eleven by winning the Chamber match and qualifying for a World Heavyweight Championship match at Wrestlemania, presumably against Alberto Del Rio, but Dolph Ziggler has promised to cash in between now and then. Second, The Shield showed that they are the most cohesive unit possibly in WWE history (both from a kayfabe and non-kayfabe perspective) in their match against John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback, in which they actually managed to get the clean pin. What does it all mean? Find out.

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Raw opens with a brief recap of last night's Elimination Chamber pay per view.

John Cena makes his way to the ring to open the live show, and picks up a mic. "Here we are in the heart of Cajun country. We're in the right place because the road to Wrestlemania is heating up! It was a year ago that we announced that Wrestlemania 29 would come from the Met Life stadium, and for ten months, that sign has just been two cities on a billboard, but it's finally starting to take shape, and you can all see what I can see, because Wrestlemania is taking shape. After last night, we now know two of the championship matches for Wrestlemania 29. Jack Swagger will challenge Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship, and on April 7th, John Cena tries his hand at becoming WWE Champion once again when he faces The Rock!"

CM Punk apparently objects to this bizarre display of Cena referring to himself in the third person, and makes his way out.

Punk: "You're fighting The Rock in the main event of Wrestlemania for the WWE Title? Are you sure about that, John? Are you positive that's the way you want to go? That's the easy way out if you ask me, but then I'd expect nothing less from you. Let me clear the air here: Last night The Rock beat me fair and square. If you don't want to count the part where I had him pinned for about an eighteen count, or the fact that he struck an official, which, as per the stipulation of the match should have disqualified him and brought the WWE Championship home where it belongs. But yeah, sure, The Rock beat me fair and square. And he beat you at Wrestlemania last year. But when you're talking about wins and losses, you've never beaten me."

"I'm not talking about wins and losses, I'm talking about Wrestlemania. I won the right to challenge, and you didn't get the job done. I'm sorry, but you'll have to sit this one out. For once in your life, it is not about CM Punk."

"Oh, but it is! It is about CM Punk! Because it's about the Wrestlemania main event! You earned the right? The Rock earned the right? What about me? For 434 days, I was the champion, I took on all comers, and what did you do to earn your way in? Enter yourself in a circus-like 30 man battle royale? Stroll in somewhere around number 25 and throw a couple ham and eggers over the top rope? You are lucky. That is the biggest luck of the draw match I've ever seen. Besides, The Rock vs. John Cena is deja vu. We saw that show, you couldn't get the job done."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to just walk away. You have something that doesn't belong to you, just walk away. Out of my life, out of this ring, just walk away."

Cena starts, then begins. "No. I'll give you credit, I admire your honesty, you've got a lot of stones. And I bet if you sift through all the excuses and BS, there's a halfway decent human being, but you have to be smart enough to know that I'm not just going to give away a golden ticket for the main event of Wrestlemania. But with all your skewed history and lackluster points, you actually have your merits. I haven't beat you or The Rock. I have my critics, just like you, who say I don't belong in the main event of Wrestlemania. You want to go, and I would like nothing better than to shut those critics up. So, I have a solution: I'm not going to give you a golden ticket, but I'll let you earn it: A match, the big one, John Cena vs. CM Punk. If I win, you shut your mouth, crawl back in the hole you came from and go away. If you win, then you're right: I don't deserve to be in the main event at Wrestlemania. You deserve it. You have my word, you beat me in a match right here right now and I will give you my match at Wrestlemania. I have my convictions, so I say we do this right here, right now in front of everybody!"

Heyman whispers something in Punk's ear, they begin conversing silently.

Punk: "Your word. You just made the stupidest decision of your life, and I'm going to take you up on it, but I'm not going to do it here, because I'm going to do it on my terms. And considering how I got screwed last night, and because of that fact, we'll do it next week."

"It's official. Next week, CM Punk faces John Cena, winner gets the match at Wrestlemania. Take a week, get your beauty rest, bring everything you've got because I am going to beat you, then I am going to head on to Wrestlemania and beat The Rock, and you will know, and you will all know for a fact that the champ is here!"

With that, both men leave the ring. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the severe delays, my browser's going all wonky.

Matt Striker is backstage with Sheamus and Ryback, who are both disappointed about their loss last night. Jericho breaks up what looks to be the beginning of a fight, says that he lived through the NWO and the Nexus, he knows that they have to be unified to fight this. He then proposes a six-man tag tonight.

Match One: Sin Cara vs. Mark Henry

Sin Cara with kicks, Henry with a headbutt, throw to the corner, stomp, throws Sin Cara to the mat, stands on his back, whip, clothesline in the corner, Sin Cara with a swinging kick, hurricanrana reversed into a running powerslam, World's Strongest Slam for three.

Winner: Mark Henry

Mark Henry resumes mauling Sin Cara after the match, going for another World's Strongest Slam before The Great Khali hits the ring. Henry throws Sin Cara down and leaves the ring, laughing and calling, "I had all of you I wanted" before mocking Khali's dancing.

They then air a replay of the end to the United States Championship match last night, leading to the declaration that they will face each other no DQ, and that Vickie Guerrero has granted Chris Jericho his six man tag.

Match Two: No DQ: The Miz vs. US Champion Antonio Cesaro (non-title)

Miz with a takedown, punches, clothesline out of the ring, Cesaro takes him down, throws him into the barricade injured shoulder first, then into the ring post, then into the ring itself, grabs two chairs and a kendo stick, kendo stick shot for two, sets a chair up in the corner, whip, Miz blocks, Cesaro tries to press him into the chair, Miz rolls him up for two, Cesaro with a stick shot for two, twists Miz's arm in a chair, covers for two, keylock, goes for a body sam onto the chair, reversed into a backbreaker, Cesaro throws Miz into the chair in the corner, punch, then another, charges, Miz with a boot, throws Cesaro knee-first into the chair, trip into the other chair, figure four leg lock for the tapout.

Winner: The Miz

They air a promo from Youtube where Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger bitch about immigrants. The promo would probably seem more over the top and hyperbolic if it wasn't for the fact that I deal with people on my Youtube channel saying the exact same thing with a straight face. They're really walking the line of not being too too offensive.

Edit: I just realized I should probably clarify those statements. I didn't mean that the things they said weren't offensive, just that I've seen worse and so it doesn't really have the cartoonishly over-the-top effect on me that it was intended to.

Backstage, Team Hell No pledge to stay away from each other tonight, before Randy Orton comes in and says that Kane has lost his edge after the group therapy sessions and has become more like Barney the Dinosaur than the Big Red Monster.

Vickie Guerrero summons Paul Heyman to her office, and says that she has dramatic news, but she's not sharing it now.

Match Three: Dolph Ziggler vs. World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio (non-title)

Ziggler with stomps, boot to the face, Del Rio with an enziguri in the ropes, commercial.

Back on, Ziggler twists Del Rio's arm in the corner, dropkick for two, choke in the ropes, Langston with a punch, Ziggler covers for two, chinlock, Del Rio punches his way out, Ziggler with a knee lift, single leg bulldog for two, heads up top, Del Rio trips him, enziguri to the back, reverse superplex, trading punches, Ziggler with a kick, Del Rio with several more, clothesline, then another, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, superkick for two, cross arm breaker reversed into a neckbreaker for two, whip, reversed, Ziggler with a boot, Del Rio catches in, punches to the back in the corner, takedown, covers for two, Ziggler reaches the ropes, Del Rio calls for the arm breaker, Langston interjects, gets a kick, Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag, gets caught, cross arm breaker for the tapout.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio

Langston with a clothesline, hits his finisher the name of which I can't recall. Ziggler gets a look in his eyes, grabs his briefcase, calls to cash it in, Ricardo Rodriguez grabs the briefcase and runs out of the arena with the contract, AJ grabs it back, hands it to Ziggler, Del Rio with an enziguri to the back of the head, poses with the title, crisis averted.

Wade Barrett hits the ring and hypes his new movie before premiering the trailer for it. It seems... exactly like the type of movie that you can't tell whether it's good or not just from watching the trailer. It's called Dead Man Down.

Barrett: "Now I'm sure you all agree, that looks extremely--"

Sheamus (via 'tron): "You are not the star of Dead Man Down. My friend Colin Farrell is. And I think it looks great, mainly because you don't say a word in it. If you'd like to clarify anything I said, feel free to-- Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? Looks like we're out of time."

Well that was... weird.

Match Four: Brodus Clay, Tensai and Naomi vs. Primo, Epico and Rosa Mendes

Women start, Rosa with a kick, slap, whip, reversed, Naomi with a flying ass attack, whip, reversed, Naomi floats over, kick, springboard crossbody for two, hurricanrana to Epico, Tensai and Primo in, Tensai with punches, all-out brawl breaks out, Naomi continues to take out both Epico and Rosa, Clay in, splash for three.

Winners: Tensai, Brodus Clay and Naomi

They formally make the announcement that Wrestlemania 30 will happen in New Orleans.

Jack Swagger hits the ring to deliver his State of the Union. "My fellow Americans, last night is what happens when you live with dignity, respect and patriotism. Not only did I win the Elimination Chamber, I took the entire weight of the nation on my shoulders. But tonight is not about me, tonight is about something much much bigger than me, tonight is about our country. tonight is about the state of the union and there's only one man brave enough, one man wise enough, one man honest enough to do it, and that man is a true American: Zeb Colter."

"It's President's Day, so let me thank our founding fathers for giving us the bill of rights, and the bill of rights gives Jack and I the right to come out here and voice our opinions. You may not agree with it, you may not even like it, but exercising our first amendment rights is what proud Americans usually do. So let me begin: The state of our union is pathetic. And it's not the fault of real Americans. It's the fault of the millions of people living in this country illegally. Those people live in our country, but they don't have any qualms about taking our medical care, our jobs, our education and our freedom. And I think it's time we did something about it. We have a real problem and we need to fix it. Real Americans need to stand up and say no more, and that's what Jack Swagger is prepared to do. Last night at Elimination Chamber, Jack Swagger won the right to challenge for the world title at Wrestlemania. But now that match has taken on the implications of being so much more than a title match. This has become the foreground for the heart and soul of our nation. On one side, you have a man, a real patriot, a real American by the name of Jack Swagger. On the other side, you have the world champion, by the name of Alberto Del Rio, who only came into our country to reap the rewards of our motherland. I'm gonna make an announcement right now: Jack Swagger's gonna accomplish two goals at Wrestlemania: He will recapture the World Championship, and he will reclaim America. It will be an America that I'm proud to live in, Jack Swagger's America, and we the people."

Swagger begins chanting "We, the people!" as that sentence never gets a conclusion.

I sincerely apologize for the extremely long delay just there. My browser's fine now, but my TV started going all weird and now I'm forced to do the rest of this recap via secondary sources. Bear with me, folks, this is going to be a weird night, but the recap will happen.

Match Five: Jack Swagger vs. Daniel Bryan

Broadcast begins with match already in progress after commercial, Bryan escapes a rear waistlock, kick to the back, then one to the back on the knee, more kicks, whip, reversed, Bryan with a rollup for two, surfboard stretch, Swagger escapes, Bryan trips Swagger into the corner, kicks the ropes, dropkick to the back of the head, cover for two, arm breaker, whip, reversed, Bryan with a kick to the face, Swagger with a Cactus Clothesline, starts to throw him into the ring post, Bryan reverses, dropkick, misses a leaping crossbody, Swagger with a throw, tosses Bryan back in the ring, covers for two, grabs a leg, covers for one, kick, knees in the corner, throws Bryan across the ring, running knee to the gut, double armbar, Bryan elbows his way out, Swagger with a knee lift, Swaggerbomb for two, charges, Bryan with a knee, kick, punch, more punches, Swagger with a knee, whip, Bryan floats over, clothesline, Swagger charges, Bryan drops the top rope, he falls out of the ring, Bryan with a suicide dive, throws Swagger back in the ring, heads up top, missile dropkick for two, kicks, Swagger catches a kick, belly to belly takedown, Bryan grabs Swagger's arm, No Lock, Swagger gets a leg on the bottom rope, break, Bryan misses a dropkick in the corner, Swagger with a knee in the corner, chop block, Patriot Act for the tapout.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Vickie and Heyman are in the ring.

Vickie: "(introduces self) Now Paul, as I said, I have an announcement tonight, and it may affect your career, and your whole life. Tonight, I'm going to name a new assistant for myself. Ladies and gentlemen, the new assistant to the managing supervison is... Brad Maddox!"

Maddox: "Thank you so much, Vickie. Hi, Paul, I'm Brad. In case you're wondering why, it's a reward for my loyalty and my services to this company and this show for exposing the relationship between you and The Shield. And Vince McMahon is so happy with me that he gave me the opportunity of a lifetime, and named me assistant managing supervisor."

Vickie: "It's assistant to the managing supervisor."

Paul: "Is this my cue to vomit? Come on. This is your big surprise to me? I don't care what either one of you have to say. Thank you, and good night."

Vince McMahon (via 'Tron): "Mr. Heyman, that is not your surprise, this is your surprise. Remember me? Chairman of the board."

Paul: "And what a pleasant surprise it is, Mr. McMahon. You're looking great, only two week after--"

Vince: "Shut your mouth, Mr. Heyman, because when your mouth is open, you're lying. You requested a special stipulation for a match, did you not, Mr. Heyman? Not a trick question."

Paul: "I did request a stipulation for the historic rematch between CM Punk and The Rock for the WWE Championship, and may I add, out of the goodness of your heart, you granted us--"

Vince: "First of all, you know, I know, I don't have a heart. If I did, it would be black. It would be cold. But let me take you back and show you some footage of last week. (Paul Heyman saying he would do anything) Key phrase, anything. And I had that in writing."

Paul: "And when confronted with the video, I'm forced to tell the truth--"

Vince: "No, you're incapable of telling the truth. Anything means anything. Anything as in, I could fire you right now. That might be a very good idea. Mr. Heyman... no, firing isn't right. I'll tell you what: I'm only two weeks removed from hip surgery thanks to you and Brock Lesnar."

Paul: "And I had nothing to do with that."

Vince: "Oh, I know. But next week, I'm going to walk down there on my crutches, and you're going to be there too, and you and I are gonna have a fight."

Heyman recoils in horror as Raw goes to commercial.

Match Six: The Shield vs. Sheamus, Ryback and Chris Jericho

Ryback and Rollins start off, Ryback with shoulder tackles in the corner, ref forces a break, Jericho calms Ryback down, Ambrose in, Jericho in, Jericho with punches, spinning elbow, suplex, chop, punch, kicks, whip, reversed, Jericho with a boot, missile dropkick for two, whip, misses a clothesline, elbow, Ambrose with a knee, punch, whip, Jericho with a crossbody for two, Sheamus in, Reigns in, Sheamus with mixed strikes, trading punches, Reigns with punches in the corner, Sheamus with a knee, whip, Reigns with a boot, Sheamus with dual clotheslines, spear in the corner, high knee lift, white noise, calls for the Brogue Kick, Rollins and Ambrose pull Reigns out of the ring, Ambrose eats a Brogue Kick, commercial.

Back on, Reigns has Sheamus in a chinlock, Sheamus punches his way out, trading punches, Ambrose in, dropkick, Rollins in, dropkick for two, then another cover for two, front facelock, Sheamus to his feet, Rollins with a kick, kicks in the corner, Reigns in, Sheamus with a kick, clothesline, Ryback in, Rollins in, Ryback with clotheslines, then to Ambrose, spinebuster to Rollins, meat hook clothesline, Shellshocked blocked when Reigns spears Ryback, Rollins covers for two, stomps,  then to the gut, punches, Ryback with a punch, Ambrose with a front facelock, Reigns in, headbutt, choke in the ropes, Ambrose with a choke in the ropes, Rollins in, knee to the gut, stomps, kick to the face, then another, then a punt to the face for two, Ambrose in, front facelock, neckbreaker for two, Reigns in, knee to the back, punch, misses a clothesline, Jericho in, Ambrose in, Jericho with two shoulder tackles, springboard dropkick to Rollins, bulldog to Ambrose, Lionsault for two, Walls of Jericho reversed into a rollup for two, Jericho with a chop, outside the ring Reigns throws Ryback into the ring post, back in the ring Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, Reigns runs in, Sheamus takes him out, Rollins with a top rope crossbody, Ambrose covers for three.

Winners: The Shield

Match Seven: Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow

Sandow cuts a promo on the way to the ring. "It is common knowledge that several members of the Sandow family have served as advisors to presidents, like my great uncle Osius Lee Sandow, who came up with the New Deal. Now I'd like to propose a new deal: You all remain silent and allow me to impart my wisdom. You're welcome."

Sandow gets some surprise punches in, both men trade punches, Sandow throws him into the ring post, then back into the ring, knees on the apron, R-Truth makes his return and starts pummelling Sandow, spinning heel kick in the ring, kick to the jaw, spinning scissor kick, clotheslines Sandow out of the ring before heading to the aid of his former tag team partner.

Match Never Started

Match Eight (Or Seven?): Randy Orton vs. Kane

Lockup, Orton with a side headlock, Kane whips out, shoulder block, Orton with a kick, twists the arm, arm breaker, whip, reversed, Kane with a clothesline, Orton with punches in the corner, Kane with a punch, commercial.

Back on, Kane has Orton in a chinlock, Orton punches his way out, headbutt, kick to the face, Kane with a boot, cover for two, punch, stomp, kick to the head, knee choke, throw to the corner, trading punches, Kane with a boot to the gut, DDT for two, chinlock, Orton elbows his way out, Kane with a whip, clothesline, whip, misses a clothesline, Orton with a clothesline, mounted punches, dropkick, stomp, another stomp, then a third stomp, Kane with a punch, cover for two, dropkick for two, chinlock, Orton punches his way out, snap powerslam, whip, reversed, Kane with a side slam for two, climbs up top, misses a clothesline, Orton with a hangman's DDT, reversed into a fireman's carry, Kane drops Orton across the top rope, Bryan comes to the ring and starts yelling at Kane, RKO for three.

Winner: Randy Orton

The Rock comes out for his championship celebration, opening with a marching band.

"CM Punk, last night you did everything you could to beat The Rock, and you showed the world what a walking piece of trash you are when you spit in The Rock's face, but the best in the world wasn't good enough. Two times in a row, The Rock pinned your punk ass, one, two, three. Which allowed The Rock to wake up this morning in New Orleans, drive 135 miles so the Rock could come out here and walk down the aisle between the University of Louisiana LaFayette Marching Band, and the world is watching, and they know that finally, The Rock has come back to LaFayette! Forty-eight days until Wrestlemania. The Rock is going to Wrestlemania as WWE Champion, but he is not going with this. (points to belt, thanks to Danny for telling me I should probably specify that) I have been in this business a long time, I have great respect for the WWE Championship, and when this belt was unveiled eight years ago by a certain Superstar, one of the greatest of all time, when this was unveiled eight years ago, it worked. And there were some people who thought this title was cool. There are also some people who believe in bigfoot. But I believe that the WWE Championship should never look like this, and it should never, ever spin. Hey, buddy (pulls over ring crew member), you take this to the back, make sure it goes in the hall of fame. To me, the WWE Title, when you see the WWE Title, the championship title, whether you're a WWE Superstar, part of the WWE Universe or watching for the first time, the WWE Championship should inspire you. It should be able to be worn with confidence by the great men who paved the way for people like The Rock and everyone back there in the locker room. Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, Stone Cold Steve Austin. With that in mind, ladies and gentlemen of Lafayette, I give to you your new WWE Championship."

He unveils the new title. It's the one they've been hyping unveiling for a while now. Not particularly impressed.

"Now by that response I'm guessing you guys love the title. You see, The Rock wanted to create something that was timeless, that was prestigious, that was just flat out badass. Here's the thing: Considering what hapened here tonight, who is The Rock going to face at Wrestlemania? Is it going to be CM Punk, or John Cena? There is one man who The Rock wants to face at Wrestlemania, one man who brings out the very best in The Rock. For professional reasons, for personal reasons, that man is--"

Cena's music hits. He stands on the apron without a mic. CM Punk then blasts him from behind with the old WWE Championship and throws it to the ground, pointing to the ring and proclaiming, "I want that one." The Rock stares him down, jumping on his toes waiting for Punk to hit the ring. Punk instead turns around and leaves as the broadcast ends.