Date: 07/04	7:00 PM
Views: 602

Tonight's Raw comes on the anniversary of America's... America! Celebrate with beer, fire up the barbecue, and put on some goddamn Springsteen (the latter is just good advice any day of the year). Tonight on Raw, Titus O'Neil tries to wrest the US Title from the Bulgarian Brute, Rusev! WWE Champion Dean Ambrose faces IC Champion The Miz in a non-title match, and a former Smackdown GM is in the building!

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Raw opens with an "Earlier Today" scene of the WWE Independence Day party. Golden Truth are rapping open-mic, leading the entire locker room. Heath Slater and Sami Zayn also appear to be getting along quite well, as are Primo, Epico, and Darren Young. The Vaudevillains crash the party and Aiden English starts singing out the Declaration of Independence before who looks like Bubba Ray Dudley throws food at him off-screen. Miz comes in and says they can't let another celebration end in a food fight. Someone, it looks like Breezango, squirts him with chocolate sauce and a full-on food war breaks out. Everyone can't stop smiling except Chris Jericho, Sami Zayn is briefly very concerned about beans, Kevin Owens is under a table eating chips, Bo Dallas has a punch bowl attack on Enzo foiled by Big Cass and ends up with it in his eyes, Kalisto throws food at the Big Show, who responds by throwing ribs and hitting Kane, they grab each other by the throat, Heath Slater throws food at them, they chokeslam him through a table, he sells it yet still somehow looks to be in oddly good spirits, everyone but him leaves laughing. Kevin Owens emerges from under the table, grabs a hot dog, remarks that this would never happen on Canada Day, and takes a pie to the face from off-camera. He freaks out, stopping only briefly to eat some pie.

Lilian Garcia then sings the Star-Spangled Banner.

Match One: United States Championship: Rusev (c) vs. Titus O'Neil

Titus comes out dressed in full Uncle Sam gear. Lockup, Rusev with a knee, punch to the back, punches in the corner, whip, Titus floats over, body slam, chop in the corner, tosses him across the ring, chops in the opposite corner, toss, Rusev with a boot, back suplex over the top rope to the floor, whip into the steel steps, Titus beats the count, punches, Rusev with a shove, dropkick for one, chinlock, Titus to his feet, down to a knee, back to his feet, powers out, knee to the gut, another, a third, Rusev responds in kind, trading punches, Rusev gets the better of it, goes off the ropes, Titus with a shoulder tackle, then a pair more, avalanche, Dominator, blocked, hits a powerslam instead, Clash of the Titus for two, Titus with a stomp, goes for a punch in the corner, ref forces him off, Rusev with a roundhouse, then a second roundhowse to the head, stomp to the back, Accolade, Titus holds on for a minute, then taps.

Winner and STILL United States Champion: Rusev

Rusev locks the hold in again after the bell, then throws Titus to the mat. He grabs a mic. "USA! USA! USA! Go ahead, celebrate with your hamburgers and little weenies! Celebrate for Rusev! Happy birthday, America!"

He tosses the mic and walks off with the title above his head and Lana in tow.

They announce John Cena to speak, and the participants for Team USA vs. Team International: The Dudleyz, Big Show, Kane, Apollo Crews, Mark Henry, Zack Ryder, and Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho, Cesaro, the Lucha Dragons, and Sheamus.

They show a preview of the Bella Twins' cover of Latina magazine.

The Social Outcasts come out dressed as minutemen for their match. Heath Slater is playing a flute one-handed with his arm in a sling.

Bo: "We are dressed as minutemen, because--"

Enzo and Cass interrupt them.

Enzo: "My name is Enzo Amore, and I am a certified G and a bona fide stud, and you can't teach that! This right here, this is Big Cass, and he's seven foot tall, and you can't teach that. Bada boom, realest guys in the room, how you doin'? Now it is the Fourth of July, enh? So it's only right that Big Cass and I give you some star-spangled banter. We're stars, we take meteor showers, how you doin'? We're about to rain on your parade. This isn't a debate, you're about to get presidentially schooled."

Enzo lists all the presidents, in order, with the crowd adding a "How you doin'?" between them all.

Enzo: "Would all be insulted if they saw what I was looking at!"

Cass: "That was impressive. I had this whole Paul Revere, The British are Coming thing, I'm not even going to waste your time with it. There's only one word to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for you! S-A-W-F-T, SAWFT!"

Match Two: The Social Outcasts vs. Enzo and Cass

Bo and Enzo start off, Bo with a rear waistlock, takedown, punches and stomps in the corner, Axel in, Bo with knees, Axel with a clothesline for two, chinlock, Enzo tries to elbow his way out, Axel tosses him down, Axel with a second-rope knee drop, the wig goes flying, double tag, Cass with a clothesline to Axel, avalanche to Bo, body slam to Axel, Empire Elbow, tosses him into Slater on the floor, big boot to Bo, Enzo in, Boom Shacka Lacka for three.

Winners: Enzo and Cass

Enzo puts on the wig and dances around the ring.

After a commercial, Charlotte and Dana hit the ring.

Charlotte: "Woo! Jealousy is the strongest human emotion. Now, my entire life, everyone around me has been jealous, you wanna know why? Because I become the very best at everything I do, the proof is around my waist. Now, there is no one more jealous of me than Sasha Banks. It must eat her alive that I'm leading the division, and all she can cling to is the delusional, aspiring wannabes in the stands chanting 'We want Sasha!' Yes, that's jealousy, but newsflash, chants don't pay the bills! Championships do! No one has done more than me all year, and you wanna know the truth? Sasha is all hype, plain and simple."

Sasha comes out. "Jealousy? Charlotte, you may be champion, but guess what, sweetheart, you will never be me."

"First of all, I don't ever want to be you, sweetheart. But you may be fooling these people, but the truth hurts."

"Well let me break off some truth for you. You may have beaten everyone else this year, but you have never beaten me. Back your little pitbull off or I will knock you out again. If it wasn't for your daddy at Wrestlemania, that would be around my waist. When we step in the ring, I will dominate you."

"You will dominate me? What have you done? You're not even in the conversation."

"I am the conversation."

"You're the boss. What does that even mean? Next week will be the one-year anniversary of our debut, and last I checked, I've been champion almost that entire time. That makes me the legit boss."

"You wanna know what a boss is? A boss does it every time, a boss comes out here and speaks her mind, a boss is always the centre of attention because she brings her own style, not a knockoff of her daddy's '80s game. A boss says what's on her mind whether her crew is backing up or she's representing herself."

Dana takes a swing, Sasha clocks her, then Charlotte, then Dana again, Charlotte with a big boot, drags her to her feet, Sasha hits a backstabber, locks in the Banks Statement, Dana pulls Charlotte out of the ring.

Match Three: Champion vs. Champion: IC Champion The Miz vs. WWE Champion Dean Ambrose (non-title)

Miz grabs a mic. "When my hand goes up, your mouth goes shut. After that food fight, I am not in the mood. That designer suit cost more than any of you make in a year. I do want to dedicate my match to my beautiful, sexy, French-Canadian wife Maryse who, as you can see, cleans up very well. And who just happened to celebrate St. Jean-Baptiste Day! Give me a kiss."

Ambrose makes his entrance next.

Lockup, Miz with a side headlock, Ambrose whips his way out, Miz with a shoulder tackle, Ambrose with a hip toss, body slam, chop, chop in the ropes, whip, Miz with a boot, Ambrose ducks a clothesline, clotheslines Miz to the floor, suicide dive, toss into the barricade, punch, Russian Leg Sweep into the barricade, Miz with a back suplex onto the barricade, clothesline, commercial.

Back on air, Miz is wrenching Ambrose's leg, Ambrose kicks his way out, punches, chop in the corner, whip, reversed, Ambrose goes for a boot, Miz catches his knee, kick, running dropkick to the knee, stomp, another stomp, atomic drop reversed into a rollup for two, Ambrose with chops, Miz locks in the Figure Four, Ambrose slowly makes it to the ropes, Miz with stomps, charges, Ambrose tosses him to the floor, Miz rolls back into the ring, Ambrose with punches, Miz goes for a Miz Combo, the neckbreaker portion is reversed, Ambrose with stomps, running dropkick, running forearm in the corner, sets him up top, superplex, blocked, Miz with a headbutt, leaps, Ambrose with a boot, Dirty Deeds, blocked, Figure Four reversed into a rollup for two, Miz with a punch, Ambrose waffles the ropes, clothesline, Miz rolls to the floor, Ambrose with a suicide dive, rolls Miz into the ring, goes up top, elbow drop reversed into a boot, Skull Crushing Finale reversed into a rollup for two, Miz with a boot to the face, misses a running boot, Ambrose with a rollup, rolls through into Dirty Deeds for three.

Winner: Dean Ambrose

Seth Rollins comes out for his match, they have a short staredown, Ambrose passes him and pats him on the back, then charges the ring, walks out the other side, and sits down on commentary.

Before the bell rings, they reveal that Brock Lesnar's Summerslam opponent will be revealed on Smackdown.

Match Four: Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins

So it turns out Dean Ambrose has, in fact, joined the Spanish Announce Team.

Ziggler hooks a leg, Rollins gets to the ropes, sucker punch, Ziggler hooks another leg, Rollins hooks an arm, Ziggler with a rollup for two, Rollins bails, back in the ring, rear waistlock, Ziggler reverses, takedown, cover for one, jackknife for two, another jackknife for two, Rollins bails again, back in the ring, stomps, elbow to the back of the head, punch, body slam, Ziggler with a running dropkick, superkick, Rollins dodges and hits the floor, Ziggler follows, drops Rollins across the top rope, goes up top, Rollins with an enziguri, commercial.

Back on air, Rollins is slapping Ziggler's head around, Ziggler with punches, Rollins trips Ziggler's head into the second turnbuckle, Rollins goes up top, Ziggler hits a face buster for two, Rollins goes for a powerbomb, Ziggler blocks with punches, ducks an avalanche, hits a pair of clotheslines, hits an avalanche of his own, neckbreaker, elbow drop for two, superkick, blocked, Rollins goes for a back suplex, blocked, hits a kick to the gut instead, superkick, blocked, Ziggler with a rollup for two, Rollins finally hits the first superkick of the match for two, crawls to the apron, misses a springboard, blocks a DDT, goes for a Pedigree, reversed into a rollup for two, Ziggler hits a superkick for two, leaping DDT, Zig Zag blocked, Rollins hits a Pedigree for three.

Winner: Seth Rollins

Rollins stands on the announce table with a mic. "That's how it's done, baby! Unlike the guy, the man leaves no doubt, no controversy as to who the very best is! Day in, day out, I work harder than any of you can imagine, and I will not have Roman Reigns tarnish my legacy, you understand that? Roman Reigns, his career is a joke, he needs to be taken out of the triple threat at Battleground, so that I can get my one-on-one shot at the WWE Championship! Roman shouldn't be in the upcoming WWE draft. The worst part of this is, he's supposed to be a role model. But you're all just like him. You cheat, and you lie, and you never worked a day in your stinkin' lives!"

Ambrose stands up next to him.

Rollins: "Don't look at me like that. Like I'm crazy. You're the lunatic. Last time we were in the ring, I laid you out last week. At Battleground, it's going to be the exact same, except I'm going to do it for the title, and I'm going to beat Roman Reigns too and walk out with the WWE Championship, you got that?"

"Nah... you can just have it right now."

Ambrose tosses the title at Rollins, then tackles him, punching away, tosses him across the Spanish announce table, Dirty Deeds on top of it.

The Wyatt Family cut a promo from their shed, say that the world of the New Day doesn't really exist, the power of positivity doesn't exist, and this is their world, where pain is real. They invite The New Day to join them there.

They show a promo for Baron Corbin, then Vickie Guerrero comes out!

"Excuse me! I said excuse me! I said excuse me. WWE Universe, I am here tonight because I am a former General Manager of Raw and Smackdown. And since-- Excuse me! And since Smackdown goes live July 19th, it is in need of an experienced COO. Now, while Shane and Stephanie have Raw well in hand, Smackdown cannot be in the hands of a freak like Kane, or a people-pleasing moron like Teddy Long, or a corporate stooge like John Laurinaitis. It needs a woman like me, who has the experience to back it up. So I am submitting my name to be the COO of Smackdown! Let your voices be heard, let the powers hear that you want Vickie Guerrero in charge of Smackdown. Let's get it trending, Vickie runs Smackdown live! Hashtag Vickie Runs Smackdown Live!"

Security runs her off.

JBL: "Vickie Guerrero!"

Backstage, Big Show is giving a pep talk to Team USA, saying that they may not be friends, but neither were the founding fathers, but they united for America.

The Bracketology Special for the CWC is this Wednesday, and I can watch it, because I finally have the WWE Network!

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero tries to get Dolph Ziggler to tell security that she was invited by Shane and Stephanie. He says he's never seen her before in his life.

Match Five: The Vaudevillains vs. The Golden Truth

Breezango are at ringside.

Gotch and Truth start off, Gotch with mixed strikes, Truth with a dropkick, Aiden in, Goldust in, pair of clotheslines, drop-down punch, Gotch leaps, Goldust catches him with a punch, tosses Aiden around for a while, covers for two, Gotch breaks it up, he and Truth brawl to the floor where Truth tosses him into the apron, Truth in, Powerbomb/Eye of the Hurricane combo that is apparently called Solid Gold for three.

Winners: Golden Truth

Goddamn. So long, Vaudevillains.

Life Lessons with Coach Backlund is about Darren Young being problem-free. I think this might be new. Either that or I wasn't paying attention watching Smackdown. He tells him he needs to use the Crossface Chickenwing.

John Cena hits the ring. "This is what I'm talking about, man, I came out here, I was thinking you might be a little disappointed because you aren't as loud as you usually are. You disappointed about something or are you ready to have some fun tonight? Is this the WWE Universe that likes to make some noise, are we going to have fun tonight? I don't know, it still sounds like you guys might be a little disappointed. This, this is what I'm talking about, that energy, it's what I saw the first time I was in the ring with AJ Styles. Everyone was either with me, or they were pulling for AJ Styles. Everyone who's been in the ring with me, they knew someone like AJ Styles would bring out the best in me. The people pulling for AJ waited 15 years for him to come here. And then we were all disappointed. Because AJ didn't stand on his own, he leaned on the shoulders of the Club. Deep down, I knew, if you face one member, you face the whole Club. Now they've had a change of plans, I have to watch my back for them every time I'm out here. Last week, I had a match with Seth Rollins, and this happened. (clip of The Club beating down Cena last week) Today is a day that every American looks forward to, and instead I find myself looking over my shoulder. Yeah, I might be banged up, bruised, but I'm tired of looking over my shoulder. So I have a message for The Club: You want some, come get some!"

The Club hit the stage.

AJ: "Aww, John, come on, man. I honestly expected you to do something patriotic today, it is July 4th, but what you're doing is pathetic. You're coming out here to complain about how unfair it is, come on. You want to talk about unfair? Tokyo, Japan last week, it was supposed to be a homecoming. But we get off the plane, John Cena's face all over the poster. But you soon found out we run Tokyo. And soon, we will run WWE. But first we have to get rid of you. But it seems like the powers that be, the ones who didn't want me here, can't deal with the fact that at Money in the Bank, I beat you. That's why I have these guys with me, because I know that, at any time, you could get out that shovel and try to bury me. But the truth is, I think they enjoy beating you up almost, almost as much as I do. But the great part is, last week, we found out that no WWE Superstar is coming out to help you. You know why? Because it's you, John. You've put yourself on an island that no one else can relate to. You know who most WWE Superstars relate to? The Club. And I imagine that most WWE Superstars would like to be in opposition, beating you up. But we're the only ones with enough balls to get it done. So John, every week that you come here, we're going to beat you up. I mean, come on, what's more fun than beating up John Cena? Week after week after week after week, oh my god, after week, and then before you know it, it's Labour Day. Karl, what are you doing for Labour Day?"

Karl: "I'm glad you asked, I'm going to beat up John Cena."

AJ: "What's the next holiday? Hallowe'en? What are you going to do?"

Luke: "I'm going to dress up like Bushwhacker Luke, lick your face, and beat up John Cena."

AJ: "I was going to dress up as Brutus 'The Barber' Beefcake, then beat up John Cena. Then it'll be Christmas, what are you going to do?"

Karl: "I'm going to wrap some presents for my kids with my hot Asian wife. And then beat up John Cena!"

AJ: "Hey, today is a major holiday! It's the Fourth of July! What do you want to do?"

All: "Let's beat up John Cena!"

They hit the ring, quickly take control of Cena, AJ with mounted punches, Enzo and Cass come out to make the save, a full-on brawl breaks out, the faces clear the ring.

The Shining Stars say that Puerto Rico is the best, least commercialized place to celebrate Independence Day.

Match Six: Summer Rae vs. Becky Lynch

Before the match starts, they declare that Becky vs. Nattie is official for Battleground.

Summer with a face wash, Becky goes for a kick, blocked, hits an enziguri, running forearm in the corner, Summer tosses her down, stomps, foot choke, foot choke in the corner, whip, Summer with a roundhouse kick for two, chinlock, Becky punches her way out, Summer tosses her down, botches a snap suplex for two, goes for another, reversed into a rollup for two, Becky with a clothesline, then another, dropkick, running forearm in the corner, exploder suplex for two, Summer hits a swinging kick from the apron, misses one in the ring, Becky locks in the DisArmer for three.

Winner: Becky Lynch

Chris Jericho tries to talk to his team, they all start speaking different languages. Kevin Owens stands up and swears revenge for the food fight. After everyone else leaves, Zayn, Cesaro, and the Lucha Dragons say they have to win this one for the reputation of "foreigners", and stand up for America's diversity.

Enzo and Cass do a commercial for Sonic.

The New Day hit the ring.

Kofi: "Now, a lot of people think that the Wyatt Family are a bunch of no style having, non-grooming, you sure got a purdy mouth hillbillies."

E: "And the rumour is that the Wyatts don't stray far from the family tree. That they keep it Archie Bunker, all in the family. And their sisters appreciate their misters."

Kofi: "But we would never spread those rumours about the Wyatts. Because we like the Wyatts. And they like us. Why else would they invite us to their compound?"

E: "And the next time we're up there, we'll have to bring them a present: A big ol' bowl of booty!"

Kofi: "Booty-Os: they make sure you ain't booty. You know who doesn't need a bowl of Booty-Os? Erick Rowan."

The Wyatts come across the 'Tron, talk about the balancing act between laughter and screaming, positivity and fear. Wyatt challenges them again to find him.

Kofi: "So the Wyatts really want us to go to their compound, huh? Well somebody tell Tarzan Wyatt and his orangutan buddies that we accept! And we're going to spread positivity all over that place!"

E: "We're going to spray positivity from the window to the walls!"

Woods: "Listen! I don't know how you don't see this. Bray Wyatt is dangerous. I don't know how, but he knows. And now he's challenged us to come to his compound, and we just accept? We go on their turf, to fight on their terms? Look, everything up until now has been fun and games, but if we don't see what's going on, I don't know if the New Day can survive."

Woods walks off, leaving his teammates in the ring.

Cena, Enzo and Cass vs. The Club is official for Battleground.

Main Event: The Multinational Alliance vs. Team USA

Everyone comes out to their own patriotic music, by country.

Ryder and Owens start off, Owens with punches, stomps in the corner, clothesline in the corner, cannonball, Pop-Up Powerbomb blocked with a boot, D-Von in, Sin Cara in, Sin Cara with kicks, springboard crossbody, springboard elbow, kick, chop, springboard moonsault, whip, Bubba in, 3D for three.

Sin Cara Eliminated

Sheamus with a Brogue Kick, Kalisto in with a springboard crossbody for three.

Bubba Ray Dudley Eliminated

And Raw goes to commercial.

Back on air, D-Von kicks out of a Cesaro cover at two, D-Von with punches, Cesaro ducks one, Cesaro Swing, Sharpshooter, D-Von taps.

D-Von Dudley Eliminated

Jack Swagger hits the ring, they share a We The People, lock up, Swagger with a rear waistlock, takes a couple of attempts to hit a takedown, Cesaro with a gutwrench suplex, Swagger into the Patriot Lock, Cesaro reverses into the Sharpshooter, blocked, Jericho in, Swagger with a clothesline, punch, puch in the ropes, whip, Jericho with a rollup, transitions to the Walls of Jericho, blocked, Swagger tosses Jericho to the apron, Jericho goes up top, double axe handle reversed into a belly to belly, Swagger whips Jericho into the corner, avalanche, Swagger Bomb, blocked with boots, Codebreaker for three.

Jack Swagger Eliminated

Kane in, catches a gloating Jericho, goes for a chokeslam, Kalisto leaps, Kane catches him, a full-on brawl breaks out, commercial.

Back on air, Del Rio has Crews in a chinlock, Crews escapes, Del Rio with a backstabber for two, drops Crews across the top rope, goes up top, leaps, Crews with a dropkick, Henry in, clothesline, another, full body splash, Del Rio with a kick, Kalisto in, springboard, Henry hits a World's Strongest Slam for three.

Kalisto Eliminated

Kevin Owens hits a Pop-Up Powerbomb for three.

Mark Henry Eliminated

Ryder in, Owens with punches, body slam, running senton for two, tosses Ryder into Zayn, covers for two, Zayn and Owens start brawling, Kane in, clothesline to Zayn, goes for a chokeslam, Kevin Owens hits Sami Zayn with a chair, somehow that counts as a DQ.

Kevin Owens Eliminated

Owens decks Kane with a chair, Kane rebounds by hitting Owens with a chair, FOR SOME FUCKING REASON THAT COUNTS AS A DQ!

Kane Eliminated

Kane hits Zayn with a chokeslam, Crews hits a moonsault for three.

Sami Zayn Eliminated

Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick for three.

Apollo Crews Eliminated

Sheamus hits Big Show, drags Ryder into the ring, beats him down, Jericho in, punches, Del Rio in, running boots in the corner, DDT from the corner, Jericho in, boots, clothesline, Cesaro tags himself in to condemnation from the rest of the team, gets into a shoving match with Chris Jericho, winds up European Uppercutting his own team, up to and including a three-way Uppercut Train, hits one to Ryder, Neutralizer reversed into a rollup for three.

Cesaro Eliminated

Jericho with a dropkick, tosses Ryder to the corner, chop, punch, Sheamus in, European uppercut, another, suplex reversed into a neckbreaker, Jericho in, Big Show in, clohtesline, clothesline to Del Rio, clothesline to Jericho, clothesline to Del Rio, tosses Del Rio into Jericho and hits both with an avalanche, KO Punch to Jericho for three.

Chris Jericho Eliminated

Show goes for a chokeslam to Del Rio, Del Rio reverses into a chop block, superkick, blocked, chokeslam for three.

Alberto Del Rio Eliminated

Sheamus tries to walk off, Show pulls him into the ring by his hair, tosses him across the ring, chops in the corner, whip, hip check, running knee lift, another knee, chokeslam reversed into a dropkick to the knee, Ryder in, rleaping forearm in the corner, boots, charges, Sheamus reverses into a body slam, Show grabs him by the throat, tosses him into a RoughRyder for three!

Winners: Team USA

That match was the most glorious piece of shit of all time. It was at once complete Wrestlecrap, some of the most brilliant examples of instance-by-instance booking ever, and a harmless bit of fun. Raw goes off the air with the two of them fist pumping.