Date: 01/30	7:00 PM
Views: 1,752

My once-annual excuse to get that lovely bit of alliteration in the title. Tonight's Raw comes one night after a stellar Royal Rumble PPV. We have new Raw tag champs, and Roman Reigns won NOTHING! He LOSES! Good DAY SIR! But he did eliminate The Undertaker, who eliminated Goldberg, who eliminated Brock Lesnar. What's in store there? And what's next for Universal Champion Kevin Owens and Women's Champion Charlotte?

Press F5 or refresh for more updates during the broadcast.

Raw opens with Jericho and Owens making their way to the ring, Owens sporting a limp.

"My name is Kevin Owens, and I am your WWE Universal--"

Both: "Champion!"

Owens: "And this is Chris Jericho, and he is your WWE United States--"

Both: "Champion!"

Owens: "You know, Chris, last night almost everyone thought I had no chance of walking out of the Alamodome as champion! But I've made a career out of proving people wrong, and if I had a list of all the people I've proved wrong, it would be longer even than the List of Jericho! But you know what I'm the most proud of? I proved our Raw General Manager Mick Foley wrong! He's taken every opportunity to set both of us up for failure, but I didn't fail last night, I beat Roman Reigns to remain your WWE Universal Champion because I am the best! I am the guy, I am the one! I'm man enough to admit, last night, I had some help, and I want to take this opportunity to thank the man who helped me, so thank you, Chris Jericho! Thank you! Because last night, I know, getting in that cage was the most terrifying experience of your life, but your moral support and your friendship got me through, and I am still champion because of you! But enough about me, let's talk about you and your history-making performance in the Royal Rumble match! Chris Jericho proved that he is the greatest Royal Rumble competitor of all time!"

"Thank you, Kevin. I don't want to brag--"

"No, brag!"

"I will! Four hours, fifty-six minutes and twelve seconds. Nearly five hours is how much cumulative time I've spent in the Royal Rumble, longer than any other Superstar in history, and I broke that record last night when I lasted over an hour! An hour and one minute! I'm the 61-minute man! Matter of fact, you can all get on your phones, go to Twitter with your fat little fingers, and #SixtyOneMinuteMan. Matter of fact, you can also #GreatestRoyalRumbleCompetitor. And the only reason I didn't win that match is because I was suffering a debilitating case of vertigo from my time--"

Braun Strowman hits the ring with a microphone.

Kevin: "It's okay, Braun, I... funny you came out here because I was just about to thank you for--"

Braun: "I don't want your thanks. I did what I did last night for two reasons: 1. I can't stand Roman Reigns. 2. I want the title shot you promised me."

Owens: "Title shot I promised you? Look, I already thanked you for coming out and helping me, but if you think coming out when you weren't even asked to gets you a title shot, it's not happening."

Braun: "You promised me a Universal Title shot, and I've got the proof right here."

A clip airs of Owens trying to sweet-talk Braun backstage by promising him a title shot after he beats Roman.

Owens: "I don't remember, that must be photoshopped."

Braun: "I'm not going to say it again. You're going to give me a Universal Championship match tonight! Or I'll break you in half right now."

Mick Foley comes out. "Gentlemen! Before tempers flare, hear me out. Braun, I don't appreciate what you did last night, but at least now I understand it. And Kevin, you did indeed promise Braun a title shot."

Kevin: "I never said that!"

Chris: "It was CGI!"

Kevin: "And besides, you saw what I did last night! No one, no matter how tough they are, can go through that and come out the next night and compete, especially against Braun Strowman. You can't do this to me!"

Mick: "You did indeed go through hell last night, but it might be a round trip, because you will go through hell again when you face Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship tonight, right here, in Laredo, Texas!"

Match One: US Champion Chris Jericho vs. Sami Zayn (non-title)

Lockup, Jericho with a side headlock, Zayn with an arm twist, Jericho reverses pressure, Zayn rolls through, Jericho holds in a keylock, Zayn to his feet, rolls through again, arm drag, arm twist, whip, reversed, Zayn leapfrogs, arm drag, another, a third, armbar, presses Zayn to the corner, punches, chop, Zayn with a boot, tosses Jericho to the corner, chops, toss to the adjacent corner, chop, whip, Jericho bails, Zayn with a baseball slide, rolls Jericho into the ring, Jericho with a springboard dropkick, baseball slide, blocked, Zayn with a clothesline, Jericho with a punch to the gut, chop, whip to the barricade, Zayn leaps on top of it, moonsault, commercial.

Back on air, Jericho has Zayn in a chinlock, Zayn punches his way out, Jericho with an enziguri for two, toss to the corner, chops, whip, Zayn with a clothesline, punches, whip to the corner, reversed, Zayn with an elbow, goes for a boot, Jericho punches him, super hurricanrana, brags on top of Zayn, Zayn with a rollup for two, Jericho with a kick, Zayn tosses Jericho to the apron, Jericho goes up top, leaps, Zayn catches him in a Blue Thunder Bomb for two, Jericho bails, Zayn goes for the rope dive DDT, Jericho gets out of the way, Zayn stops short, chases him around, back in the ring, Jericho goes for the Walls, blocked, Zayn with a springboard tornado DDT, Helluva Kick reversed into a rollup, transitioned to the Walls of Jericho, Zayn slowly makes it to the ropes, Jericho with a stomp, knees, kicks in the corner, Zayn hits an exploder suplex into the bottom turnbuckle, Helluva Kick for three!

Winner: Sami Zayn

Zayn/Jericho for the US Title at Fastlane? I approve so hard it might cause an erection.

Backstage, Sheamus and Cesaro are bickering, Bayley comes in and says they need to get on the same page for their 6-person tag match, and says that when they all get respective rematches, they'll all win. She then pulls everyone in for a group hug. Charlotte and The Club walk in, and make fun of them for losing.

They show a replay of Seth Rollins crashing Takeover.

Kevin Owens walks in to Stephanie McMahon's office and asks to be taken out of the match due to injury. She says after she talks to Seth Rollins, she'll try to have it cancelled.

Match Two: Tony Neese vs. Mustafa Ali

Ali with an arm drag, armbar, Neese rolls through, Ali tries to keep pressure applied, Neese with a knuckle lock, Ali with a springboard escape, head scissors, Neese retreats to the ropes, hits a knee, tackle, poses, punch in the corner, snapmare for two, punch to the back, whip to the corner, Ali slumps, hits a boot, leapfrogs, Neese catches him for a German, reversed into a rollup for two, Neese with a clothesline for two, tosses Ali to the apron, Ali with a shoulder tackle, leapfrogs, clothesline, another, whip, reversed, Ali with a swinging kick, rolls through the ropes and hits a neckbreaker for two, Neese goes for a boot, caught, Ali hits a spin kick, goes up top, Neese grabs his foot, Ali with a boot, goes up top, Neese trips him, Ali falls to the mat, Neese tosses him to the corner, pulls down his knee pad, running knee for three.

Winner: Tony Neese

Austin Aries: "Tony, pretty good showing tonight, you've been impressing everyone with your great matches, but what do you say to your critics who say you've got a great look but dollar rack charisma?"

No answer.

"Okay, I'll ask a second question, and not my words. Your critics say that, while you've got a great physique, washboard abs, a conversation with you is about as enthralling as talking to an actual washboard."

"The premiere athlete doesn't have to answer questions from his critics."

"Well, there you have it. To his critics, Tony Neese offers you nothing."

After a commercial, Seth Rollins hits the ring. "You know, I may have been banned from the building last night, but I am here and I am live! Now look, Stephanie McMahon, I know you're back there, I know you're very upset, you wanted to come out here first, you wanted to call me out for my bad behaviour, but guess what: Even billion dollar princesses don't always get what they want. So come on out here, let's do this."

Stephanie comes out. "Seth, I'm out here to disappoint you on multiple levels."

"Oh, like you do to your husband every single night?"

"So first, you're not going to rattle my cage by calling me out here or making childish jokes about my husband. Speaking of my husband, he's not here tonight."

"Ah, well, colour me surprised. Well, if he's not here tonight, I don't really care about you. I care about your coward of a husband, so when are you going to let him off his leash?"

"More jokes. You're right about one thing: He is afraid. He's afraid of what he might do to you. He's afraid that you'll bring out that dark side of him that he tries to keep hidden away, he's afraid he'll destroy what he once thought was his greatest creation. I told him not to come."

"If you expect us to believe that, you're even more delusional than I thought."

"He wanted to come. But this is on you. You were with The Authority, you were riding high, WWE Champion, and then you turned your back on us, you became a traitor. And now, when was the last time you saw championship gold? Money in the Bank? And who had to sit out Wrestlemania? And now, thanks to your actions at NXT, you were banned from the arena last night. For what you did at that show, you should apologize to me, and to all of these people!"

"You think I should apologize to these people? You people think I should apologize?"

"Actually they don't deserve an apology. But I do!"

"These past few months, I've been exposing your husband for the gutless snake he is. Yeah, I took it to NXT, I called him out in the place where it all began between us, and what did he do? He got his security guards. Where is he? Where is that guy? Who was that? I'm the greatest threat to your husband's legacy, he knows it, everyone knows it, and the way you look at me, you know it."

"I look at you with nothing but disgust. My husband is a king, a god! What are you? An architect? You're going to be the architect of your own demise."

"You don't get it! I have nothing left to lose! You thought it was bad when I went to NXT? What happens when I go to WWE Corporate Headquarters? How will all those suits react? What happens when I come to your front door and one of your kids answers the door? This doesn't end until I get your husband. This doesn't end until I slay the king!"

"You know what? I lied. HHH is on his way to the arena, and he's coming for you!"

Match Three: Cesaro, Sheamus and Bayley vs. Tag Team Champions The Club and Women's Champion Charlotte

Bayley and Charlotte start off, Anderson in, Cesaro in, lockup, Anderson twists the arm, Cesaro with a head scissors for one, European uppercut, Anderson with a punch, Gallows in, Cesaro with a European uppercut, then several more in the corner, whip, reversed, Cesaro with a boot, goes up top, Charlotte distracts, Gallows with a boot, commercial.

Back on air, Anderson body slams Cesaro, knee drop for two, chinlock, Cesaro powers out, Anderson with a European uppercut, Cesaro with a series to Anderson as well as Gallows, Anderson with a spinebuster for two, Gallows in, double back suplex, reversed, Cesaro sends Anderson to the floor, goes for a tag, elbow, Sheamus in, clotheslines Gallows around the ring, Gallows tosses him to the apron, Sheamus hits a top rope battering ram for two, Gallows to the apron, Sheamus with chops, Charlotte with a chop, Bayley shoves her, Gallows with punches to Sheamus, whip, Cesaro in, White Noise/Top Rope DDT combo for two as Anderson breaks the count, Sheamus tosses him to the floor, Cesaro goes for a swing, blocked, Bayley in, leapfrogs across Cesaro for a clothesline, directs Cesaro who hits a springboard suicide dive to his opponents on the floor, Figure Eight, blocked, Bayley to Belly for three.

Winners: Bayley, Cesaro and Sheamus

Backstage, Stephanie strips Foley down for not telling her about the title match he made. He says he respects that he answers to her, but he needs her to respect that he has a job to do, then asks about HHH's music playing last week. She says it was a production error, he says he's not stupid. She promises HHH will be here tonight, he says the match is still on.

Neville hits the ring with his newly-won Cruiserweight Championship. "Last night at Royal Rumble, you all witnessed the coronation of the true king of the Cruiserweights! Now this title, this is my crown! And now, I will not be denied! 205 Live belongs to the king! Now I did more than just win a championship last night, I proved each and every one of you snivelling little peasants wrong! You never believed in me! You never supported me! You never cared about me, but look at me now! Undisputed king of the Cruiser--"

Rich Swann comes out. "Hey, calm down Neville, I didn't come out here to fight you, man. And as much as it pains me to see you come out here with my Cruiserweight Championship, and as much as I'd love to come down here and start throwing fists now, I'm going to wait on my opportunity, because I've got a rematch coming."

"So tell me, why are you out here?"

"Because I couldn't come out here and listen to any more of this garbage! These people aren't out to get you, man! This war between you and the WWE Universe is going on in your head. I have to admit, every time you come out here, you're one of the best. Last night, you proved that. And I have to respect that."

Swann offers a hand.

Neville: "When are you going to get it, Rich? You do not simply offer your hand to your king! You bend a knee, and you bow!"

Swann shakes his head and starts to leave.

Neville: "You do not turn your back on your king!"

Neville grabs Swann, who responds with punches, Neville hits a series of kicks, Swann with a Thesz Press, punches, spin kick, suicide dive, Neville runs away.

They announce that Sasha re-injured her knee, then cut backstage to her getting checked out by the doctor en route to a rematch tonight. Bayley says she has nothing to prove, Sasha replies that "unlike some people", she's not okay with coming up short.

They talk about Orton winning the Royal Rumble, then recap Lesnar vs. Goldberg in the Rumble match last night.

Backstage, Jericho walks in to the dressing room and tells Owens that the match is still on, but no matter what, they're still the United States Champion. Jericho reminds him that it's a one-on-one match, and notes that Owens wasn't out there for his match with Zayn, Owens says he was busy trying to get the match cancelled, but asks if he has his back. Jericho says of course he has his back, and they vow to beat Strowman.

Match Four: Universal Championship: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Braun Strowman

Chris Jericho joins the commentary table. Owens objects, but he sits down anyway.

Strowman boots Jericho in the chest during his entrance, then chokeslams him through the announce table.

This... could actually happen.

Bell rings, Owens bails to the floor, Strowman gives chase, Owens with punches from inside the ring, Strowman swats him away, Owens with a dropkick, suicide dive reversed by a clothesline, Strowman follows up with a punch to the back, whip to the corner, Owens sells hard, Strowman with an avalanche, clothesline in the corner, tackle into the barricade, rolls Owens into the ring, Owens with a punch to the gut, punch, Strowman chops him across the chest, Owens bails, Strowman follows to the floor, charges, Owens ducks and Strowman hits the ring post, Owens hits a cannonball into the barricade, back into the ring, Strowman slowly follows, Owens with a somersault leg drop, running senton, frog splash for two, superkick, goes up top, Strowman grabs him for a running powerslam, can't quite cover, Roman Reigns hits the area, stares down Strowman, hits a Superman Punch.

Winner by DQ: Braun Strowman

STILL Universal Champion: Kevin Owens

Strowman just gets angry, Reigns clotheslines him over the top rope where he lands on his feet, Reigns with a Superman Punch from the steps, Strowman still doesn't go down, Reigns hits a spear from atop the other steps. He floors Kevin Owens with one for the hell of it.

As Roman's walking away, Strowman is already back up.

Backstage, a truck pulls up. As they're speculating that it's HHH, Brock Lesnar comes out instead.

Lesnar and Heyman hit the ring.

Heyman: "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman... and I am the advocate for the crestfallen, disgraced beast that stands before you tonight, Brock Lesnar. You know, there comes a time in everyone's career where you have-- (Goldberg chants) Thank you for your most irrelevant opinion. My opinion, however, is the one that matters, and my opinion is that we are at a point in history that we have to face the most disturbing truth that every all-time great has that one opponent that has his number. That every legend has that one asterisk, every argument that says this guy is the best ever has that 'yeah but'. Andre the Giant was undefeated for fifteen years. Yeah, but, then he lost to Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 3. Ronda Rousey was unbeaten in UFC, making everyone tap out in record time. Yeah, but, then she got her face smashed in by Holly Holm. Undertaker was undefeated at Wrestlemania. Yeah, but, then he faced Brock Lesnar. You saw how dominant The Undertaker was last night, but his legacy: Brock Lesnar. John Cena became the 16-time world champion, yeah, but Brock Lesnar. Kurt Angle won a gold medal with a broken freakin' neck, now he's going into the Hall of Fame. Yeah, but Brock Lesnar. Now when I say to my kids, 'I advocate for Brock Lesnar, the greatest of all time.' And they say yeah, but, Goldberg beat him at the Royal Rumble (sic) in a minute twenty-six seconds. I walk down the street and people say, yeah, but, Goldberg speared your client and eliminated him with ease. It's gotten to the point where every time I say 'Brock Lesnar', everyone says yeah, but, Goldberg. I hold in contempt, I loathe 'yeah, but'! It is the worst thing you can say to anyone who holds his or her legacy to the best! It is the argument that holds everyone back! It must be eliminated, it must be taken out! 'Yeah, but' must be killed! This is the moment where you take out the record button. My client, Brock Lesnar, hereby challenges Goldberg one final time... at Wrestlemania! So here it is, Goldberg! One legend stands over another! One legacy eclipses the footnote! One conqueror stands over the fallen victim! In the writing of chapter and verse of the biblical story of Goldberg and Brock Lesnar will tell you the odds are in favour of the conqueror Goldberg standing over the fallen victim of Brock Lesnar, to which my client responds, yeah, but!"

Heyman tosses the mic and they leave the ring.

Match Five: Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

Sasha with a pair of dropkicks to the leg, Nia goes for a Samoan Drop, reversed into a sunset flip, reversed into a toss to the corner, Nia charges, Sasha ducks, Nia hits the ring post, Sasha with a boot from the apron, baseball slide, blocked, Nia puts her in a full nelson, tosses her into the ring post twice, rolls her into the ring, follows, tries to grab a leg, Sasha flails, Nia tosses her leg into the mat, drops down on both of her legs, locks in a half Billy Goat's Curse, the bell rings but no one called for it. Nia wrenches the neck, the ref orders her to break the hold, checks on Sasha, she's out, Nia locks the hold back in, Bayley hits the ring and stares her down. Nia breaks the hold, Bayley checks on Sasha as Nia leaves.

Match Result: I don't have a goddamn clue, but it's over

After a commercial, Bayley and a trainer are helping Sasha to the trainer's room.

Lana is in the ring. "I wish I could say I'm happy to be in your city, but you're just a small, pathetic village. Now I want you to welcome the man who makes me laugh as he crushes your heroes' souls. He is a brute, but he is also handsome. Please welcome handsome Rusev!"

Match Six: Tornado Tag: Rusev and Jinder Mahal vs. Enzo and Cass

Enzo and Cass cut their usual pre-match promo. Since they're all so formulaic, I've decided that from here on out, I'm just going to recap the unique jokes in each one of them.

Enzo calls them a cuppa haters.

Cass: "Hold on, what do we have over here? Jinder, what is that on your skin? Are those veins? Are those veins up in here?"

"Those are veins. You're so vein, you probably think this song is about you."

"Nice reference."

"Thanks. What have you been eating, air? You look like a roadmap, too bad you ain't going nowhere. Rusev, is that a windshield on your face? We don't have time for roadmaps or windshields, we took the Certified GPS."

"It's a tornado tag match, but our Certified GPS is taking us into the eye of the storm to the yellow brick road."

"We ain't in Kansas any more. But the wicked witch is already here. And you don't need me to tell you I've seen her melt. We're going to beat your brains in, take your courage, and break your hearts!"

"You lollypop guild members suck so much that there's only ONE word to describe you!"

Cass and Rusev brawl, Enzo and Jinder brawl. Cass beats down Rusev, Jinder beats down Enzo, Cass tosses Rusev to the floor and follows, where Rusev starts fighting back, Jinder beats down Enzo on the floor, Cass starts tossing Rusev into the barricade, Jinder attacks Cass, Enzo leaps on Jinder's back, commercial.

Back on air, Jinder and Rusev are beating down Big Cass in the corner, he punches Rusev and tosses him out of the ring, Enzo with a top rope crossbody to Jinder, suicide dive to both opponents, they catch him, drop him into the barricade, Cass boots Rusev, starts punching away on Jinder, Rusev clubs him from behind, they stomp him down, toss him into the ring post, then into the barricade, then into it again, roll Enzo into the ring, Rusev beats down Enzo while Jinder goes after Cass, Rusev with a body slam to Enzo, Jinder with a knee drop to Enzo, Rusev wrenches the eye, Jinder with a chinlock, wrenches the neck, drags Big Cass up, who punches Jinder, punches away at Rusev, then Kinder and Rusev at once, shoulder tackle to Rusev, one for Jinder, avalache to Rusev, misses one to Jinder but tosses him to the floor, body slam to Rusev, Empire Elbow for two as Jinder breaks the count, stomp, Rusev with punches, Enzo pulls Jinder away and beats him down, tosses him into the steps, drops Rusev across the top rope, Cass with a big boot, Bada Boom Shacka Lacka for three.

Winners: Enzo and Cass

HHH arrives in the parking lot.

They show a commercial for WWE 24's Road to Wrestlemania special from last year.

HHH hits the ring. "Seth Rollins. Seth freakin' Rollins. The man I plucked from obscurity and made a star, handed him the world. I sang his praises and he became the first NXT Champion. Ironic, isn't it? He would go on to be the leader of the Shield, and I would make him an offer to be the best, and he bought in and he bought in in a big way, and standing by my side, Seth Rollins would become the man. Standing by my side, Seth Rollins would become the face of the WWE. Standing by my side, Seth freakin' Rollins would become the WWE Champion. Standing by my side, Seth Rollins would get everything he wanted out of this business, all he had to do was hold up his end up the bargain. But could he do it? No, as soon as the pressure got to be too much, his leg collapsed, and he stood in this ring, and with tears in his eyes, he handed back the championship, and he handed back everything I had given him, and he spit in my face! He spit in my face and he hobbled up the ramp back to obscurity. And he thought he could come back as if the world didn't turn without him. But the world did turn without Seth Rollins, and without me at his side, Seth Rollins was an abject friggin' failure! And did he take any responsibility for that failure? No, he blamed it all on me. It was all my fault, I'm supposed to apologize for it. But I don't think I owe Seth Rollins an apology, I think he owes me an apology. I gave him everything and he spit in my face! You know how hard it is for me not to come out here when Seth Rollins calls me out? My wife asks me not to, and she's right, it's best for business, but I'm trying so hard not to be that guy anymore. I'm trying so hard not to be the guy who ends careers, who beats people down and doesn't give a damn about anyone and what they think. Every day, I put on this stupid suit and this stupid tie and I try to put it aside and be a creator. And then Seth Rollins comes to NXT, where I am trying to create, where quite honestly, I'm trying to create the next Seth friggin' Rollins! But I am done trying. I am so done trying. (He takes off his jacket and unbuttons his shirt) So here's the thing, Seth friggin' Rollins: You don't have to worry about coming to my house, because I am standing right here, right now! You already know who your creator is! So Seth Rollins, get your ass to this ring and meet your destroyer!"

Seth Rollins hits the ring, but before he can make it, SAMOA FUCKING JOE ATTACKS HIM AT RINGSIDE! Joe beats down Rollins and tosses him into the barricade, then the apron, then the barricade again. HHH stares down Rollins, who claws at him, before Joe drags him up, rolls him in the ring as HHH walks off, Rollins hits Joe with a knee, Joe responds with a tackle in the corner, kick, pair of running sentons, then a third, ducks a clothesline, locks in the Coquina Clutch. He releases the hold after Rollins has long gone limp and stands over him as Raw goes off the air.