06/21/07: TNA Impact Recap

TNA: We, are backwards matches.

We open with Abyss walking backstage and Don West informing us you'll have to stay tuned tonight to see what he does. Then we get a recap video package from Slammiversary - as if I needed (or cared) about Lance Hoyt turning on VKM or seeing Road Warrior Animal team up with Rick Steiner again. To be fair those were some of the low points of an otherwise acceptable PPV, but let's be realistic - nobody watched it because nobody bought it. After seeing Angle win the TNA World Championship for the second time, we get the opening video & music and go to the Impact Zone for crowd shots and pyros. Jim Cornette is already in the ring.

Cornette: "There's no rest for the weary. TNA is on the path to the July PPV, Victory Road. At this time I would like to bring to the ring all of the TNA champions." Black Machismo is the first one to come out and we get footage of his win on Sunday. Team 3D come out and we have to see Steiner & Animal yet again. Last but not least is the Olympic gold medalist himself Kurt Angle. It's interesting that both Machismo and Angle wear their belts to the ring yet "Butterbean and Krispy Kreme" carry them out. Jim Cornette announces "The Match of Champions." Cornette: "In this contest, the TNA World Champion and the X Division Champion will team up against the TNA Tag Team Champions. All of the championships will be on the line in this match. The wrestler getting the pinfall not only wins the match, but the title of the champion he pins. Furthermore, in the case of the tag team champions, the man who pins you not only wins both belts but the right to pick his own partner to defend those belts with. Starting tonight and for the next three weeks all of the TNA titles will be defended. If you lose, you lose your place in the Match of Champions. Gentlemen, are there any questions." Kurt Angle: "Yeah I have a question Mr. Cornette, with all due respect, would you get your head out of your ass - I mean do you realize what I did this Sunday! I am the new TNA World Heavyweight Champion, and you want to just roll into Victory Road without putting me on a pedestal. If I was Sting there would be champagne and balloons falling from the ceiling. Get out of the ring Cornette I have a few people to thank." The crowd starts a "YOU SUCK" chant. Angle: "First of all I would like to thank myself for making tonight possible. Also I would like to thank myself, for doing everything I said I was going to do. On top of that I would like to thank... myself for putting TNA on the map. And I'd like to thank myself for being the greatest wrestler in the country if not the whole world. And as far as your support, keep it please. One minute you love me, the next minute you hate me. Well do me a favor and please hate me! Because when I needed your support all I ever heard was JOE'S GON-NA KILL YOU. Last but not least I'd like to thank the good Lord, for giving you people a good role model to look up to, which of course is me. Oh, and it's real, it's damn real." Cornette: "What's real is this one damn fact! The problem is you're a professional wrestler, you're paid to compete and win or lose and show your talents. You're not giving people charity, you're being paid and compensated well. I said we were going to shatter the glass ceiling and give new blood a chance, not people who need to be petted and stroked and praised. You're going to compete, and it's going to be tough, but if you're as good as you say you are it won't be a problem. If you're not someone else will be wearing that. Next week you'll face 2 former TNA champions in a three way. You're going to find the hardest thing about being world champion is not winning it, but keeping it. Tonight Black Machismo your title is on the line against Chris Sabin, and you're also going to face the challenge of another former champion, the Samoan Submission Machine, Samoa Joe!" Sabin and Joe both enter the Impact Zone as we go to commercial.

You know, I think the opening line of this recap should have been "TNA: We, are talking." That's all that happened in the first 18 minutes - talking. To give us even more of the Total Non-Stop Action, we get Buttnugget Borash backstage with Black Machismo cutting a promo while 'Guru' Sonjay Dutt prays and meditates on a red carpet on the ground in front of them. Ah ha ha, those crazy X Division goofballs! Actually there's nothing funny about it, it's just another shitty waste of time.

* Robert Roode (with Ms. Brooks) & James Storm (with Ms. Jackie) v. Eric Young & Rhino

Both of the heels get valets. Neither of the babyfaces get valets. Something's wrong with this picture - they could have at least sent Gail Kim out. Roode starts wailing on Young before the opening bell. Young comes back with a Lou Thesz press and some roundhouse rights. Young gets whipped into the ropes and Storm gives him a knee to the back. Roode goes on offense again and hits a side slam for 2. Roode decks Rhino and he tries to get involved but the distraction lets Storm come in on a non-tag to continue the beating. Storm whips him into the corner turnbuckle and slaps him in the face. Roode tries to hold him in place for a beating, Young breaks free to tag Rhino but gets caught. His second attempt is more successful and Rhino starts cleaning house and he gives Storm a mid-ring power slam for 2. Miss Jackie jumps on Rhino's back for the distraction which enables Storm to hit the superkick and get the pin. WINNERS: ROBERT ROODE & JAMES STORM. Well at least they're trying to rehabilitate Storm after he lost to Wycheck. Storm pours his beer on Rhino afterwards and Rhino gets ticked off. He whips the beer bottle all the way up the top of the ramp. He shoves his own tag partner. He starts tossing chairs all over the place. He turns over the entire announce table! All of this after having one beer poured in his face - too bad Stone Cold wasn't here with the Miller Lite truck and a firehose. Commercial.

We're back with "footage from the commercial break" with Jim Cornette trying to calm down Rhino while the camera man stays a safe distance away watching. Tenay reminds us again that in the main event we'll see Black Machismo versus Sabin and Joe. Don West then tells us the following footage aired at Slammiversary and will answer any questions people have had about Jeff Jarrett's personal issues. "June 19th, 2002. On a lighter note - Toby Keith was supposed to sing at the White House, and he turned them down to be at TNA." It doesn't stay light for long because Jarrett once again starts talking about his wife Jill. This is just such a stark reminder of the poor taste of the fake McMahon death angle, when real life wrestlers and their loved ones have passed away over the last month. Jeff's wife fought cancer for over 11 years - she thought she had it beat once and it came back again 2.5 years ago. It's honestly hard to watch this - I haven't seen Jarrett bawl like this since Owen Hart's death. TNA taught me to hate Jeff Jarrett again by the fact he was always on the top in his own promotion, but after not being champion for almost a year and losing the love of his life to cancer, I have no animosity in my heart for him now and may never again. The bad thing is this doesn't make Impact a better booked show or TNA a better run company. There's still plenty to hate about TNA, and Jarrett may yet get his stroke back as a heel if that's what they want, but I'm prepared to accept him as a babyface at this point when he comes back... if he even wants to. Commercial.

On Saturday TNA will be live in Lincoln, Rhode Island. That's great for them - I however will be at RING OF HONOR IN CHICAGO RIDGE. Maybe if TNA plays the Midwest again I'll catch a house show. Samoa Joe is backstage with Leticia and takes the mic and yells at her to get lost. "Kurt how many times are you going to piss me off! FIRST, I take BACK my X Division title. Secondly, I want to be right next to you Kurt, I want to feel your pain and revel in your blood. And until I've done what I've set out to do, there will BE no more interviews!!" That's a shame because Joe's interviews are among TNA's best, especially when he's pissed off. Time for another match.

* 'Wildcat' Chris Harris v. Raven

For whatever reason Harris gets an introduction but Raven doesn't. On the other hand I can't complain too much, it saves time and gets the match started quicker. Speaking of quickly, Raven doesn't waste long going out of the ring and attacking Harris along the railing. He throws him back in and stays on offense as Martyr & Havoc look on - Kaz is nowhere in sight and they go out of their way to mention it, which undoubtedly means he'll interfere. Harris comes back with a body press, a series of lefts, and a clothesline. Havoc drills Harris with a kendo stick and sure enough Kaz comes out to attack Havoc & Martyr. He jumps off the top rope and lays out Raven before running up the ramp on the otherside, and Harris hits the Catatonic afterwards for the 1-2-3. WINNER: CHRIS HARRIS. They're trying to talk about trouble in Serotonin at the announce table but can't even finish that thought before we go backstage to Christian Cage, who's cutting a promo on Chris Harris. "People line up for my autograph, paparazzi follow me around! Wrestlers want to be in their ring with me just to tell their grandkids they had the chance. And you did get my attention Chris, you cost me the world championship. So you want to be a superstar, you want to be the next in line, well the two of us are going to put on a show Harris - a masterpiece! But you're not going to like how the story ends. If you don't know, now you know. And cut!" Cage suddenly freaks out as his camera crew AJ & Tomko have vanished and a big hand appears over the camera lens. I'm betting it's Abyss. Don West and Mike Tenay are speculating like they don't know. Yup - it is Abyss. He throws Cage all the way down to the ring, pulls out a barbed wire bat, Cage backpedals across the ring, and finally Tomko and Styles catch up to him and start fighting with him to give Christian time to escape. Tomko and Abyss lock up but Abyss gets the better of it and gives him the big boot to the outside. He holds up the bat as his music plays and we go to commercial.

We're back with a commercial for the Destination X 2007 DVD, available in stores now. Next is a promo by Father James Mitchell, saying that a vision appeared to him in a blinding flash. A creature beyond view, devoid of compassion, a force unlike which the world has never seen. He is coming... my son. I'm still hoping that's Ricky Banderas but with Konnan walking out of TNA this week the chance of anybody associated with AAA coming in and becoming a star is pretty low at this point.

* Samoa Joe v. Chris Sabin v. Black Machismo {C} (X Division Title)

Joe looks like he has no patience for Lethal's tassles and colors, and that's exactly how it should be. The crowd is already marking out for Joe even before he throws Sabin out and starts beating up Machismo. Machismo tries to fly off the ropes and Joe just slams him down face first. Running elbow and pele kick on Sabin before choking him with a boot. Joe walks into a dropkick from Machismo and it doesn't budge him an inch. Machismo and Sabin give him a double dropkick which does knock him out. I could be wrong but I swear the Impact Zone was chanting "YOU TWO SUCK!" They both end up outside the ring and Joe does a suicide dive on both men, which takes us to our last commercial break.

Machismo gets a boot up in Joe's face as we return but Joe drills him with a power slam in response. Sabin comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick on Joe. Sabin hits a running kick on Machismo and puts him in the tree of woe for a hesitation dropkick. Two count before Joe breaks it up and chops the shit out of Sabin. Joe goes for a powerbomb but Sabin counters and rolls through for a near fall. Atomic drop, big boot, senton on Sabin by Joe. Chops on Machismo across the ring, elevated to the top rope for a muscle buster, Machismo blocks with shots to the back. Joe is thrown off the ropes, Machismo goes up for the elbow, Sabin throws him off, Joe hits Sabin with a pele kick and gives him the MUSCLE BUSTAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 1, 2, 3. So much for the title reign of Black Machismo! WINNER AND NEW X DIVISION CHAMPION: SAMOA JOE. Not only that, Joe qualifies for the Match of Champions at Victory Road. Cornette announces that next week Angle's TNA World Title will be defended against Christian Cage and Rhino, and the winner will be Joe's partner at Victory Road. Better than average Impact show this week. G'night everybody!