07/10/07: ECW on Sci-Fi Recap

Filling in for Killa Kev tonight since he got a new job. Let's get this party started!

It appears ECW has some brand new opening music - it's not the original from old school ECW nor is in the more recent (but probably now in bad taste) Drowning Pool music - it's something I'm completely unfamiliar with. It's pretty heavy and hardcore though which suits tonight's main event - a match between Tommy Dreamer and the ECW Champion Johnny Nitro, contested under Extreme Rules.

Matt Striker is already in the ring and he's got a blackboard behind him with a drawing of an earthworm on it. After a short introduction to "his most unusual student" Boogeyman enters the entrance way with all his regalia, mouth foaming and voodoo stick smoking. Boogey gets in the ring and Striker informs him that usually students bring gifts for the teachers, but tonight the teacher has a gift for the student - worms. He pulls the sheet off a big fishbowl full of them and Boogey immediately reaches a hand in and starts mawing on them. Striker says Boogey has been giving ME lessons and shows us the clip of Piper singing him happy birthday followed by Boogey giving him a major worming in his face full of chocolate cake.

We come back from the video clip and Striker asks Boogey if he knows ANYTHING about worms. He says worms are hermaphrodites, having both male and female parts... that are now in your mouth. He says worms lay eggs when they procreate... eggs that are now in your mouth. He says worms are also coldblooded, and what you've been doing to ME is coldblooded... but that all ends NOW. Out comes Viscera wearing only suspenders and no shirt, and it's a fright-awful sight with rolls of fat hanging out everywhere. Striker introduces him as Big Daddy V! V throws Boogeyman into Striker's desk and the desk doesn't break. He throws him into the blackboard and it doesn't break either. On the second attempt V finally shatters the blackboard. Amazingly I have sympathy for Boogeyman now, but at the expense of having to look at the waves of Viscera's fat roll like waves in the ocean. Please for the love of Cthulu go back to silk pajamas! Commercial.

When we get back there's another promo for Triple H's return, but like all the rest they offer no specific date. I'm excited about his return but the numerous amount of promos are starting to have the opposite effect intended - they'd be far more useful if they were fewer and farther between. Styles attempts to say that ECW is in "N'Awlins" tonight and sounds worse than me speaking Spanish. Fortunately Elijah Burke is hitting the ring and it's time for our first match!

* Balls Mahoney v. Elijah Burke

I never thought this would be possible, but Balls Mahoney actually looks HANDSOME after seeing a naked Viscera. It probably doesn't hurt that he's more clean shaven and well groomed than usual, even sporting a ponytail in the back to tie up all his scraggly hair. Burke lays into Balls right from the start in the corner but Mahoney ducks for the BALLS BALLS BALLS punches, and Burke finally ducks and responds with 4-UP of his own. Burke stomps and kicks Mahoney on the ground while the ref criticizes his actions. Burke backs up runs all the way across the ring, leaps into the air off the ropes and comes back down with a swinging crossbody. Burke locks a chinlock from behind but Mahoney fights to his feet and knocks Burke down, then goes back to the BALLS punches again. Mahoney signals him to get up, hits a scoop slam, goes outside and to the top rope, but the sitout bomb misses as Burke gets out of the way. Burke pulls down the knee pad, nails the running Elijah Express, and it's over! WINNER: ELIJAH BURKE. After a few promos including our main event we go to a commercial break.

ECW is back with the WWE "please do not try this at home" promo and immediately CM Punk's music hits, which causes Joey Styles to remind us that he's the #1 contender for Johnny Nitro's title, which will take place at the Great American Bash. Time for another match!

* CM Punk v. Stevie Richard

"I'll show you! You'll see!" My wife immediately notes that neither man appears to be on the juice, and I'm perfectly fine with that - particularly since CM Punk would be one hell of a hypocritical straightedger if he was. Punk starts with deep arm drags and then the two trade quick near falls while Nitro looks on from a monitor backstage. Punk starts to go after Richards in the corner but the ref holds him up since Richards is feigning being hurt. That doesn't stop Punk from hitting him with an enzuguiri and getting a two count. Scoop slam, short leg drop, another near fall. Enzuguiri is replayed to let us see and hear the impact. Punk clamps onto Richards' head but he escapes. Punk hammers him in the chest straight back down to the mat for a near fall. Richards reverses a scoop and gives him a kick to the head of his own but Punk kicks out before three. Swinging neck breaker by Richards for 2. Richards with a chin lock straight out of the Orton playbook and the crowd pops for Punk.

Punk gets to his feet but nailed again for another 2 count. Punk catches a kick and tries to submit him via the leg but Richards kicks him in the head with the free limb. Richards sets up for the Stevie-DT but Punk hits a back suplex and turns Richards over for the single leg Boston crab. Richards rolls through and starts kicking Punk so Punk just catapults him into the turnbuckle and hits running knees to the front and back. Running bulldog for 2.9 and Punk can't believe he kicked out. Backbreaker for another near fall. Stevie takes Punk to the mat and does his own version of an anaconda vice, Punk is screaming in pain but won't tap, and manages to get a boot on the ropes to force the ref to break. Richards pulls him up by the hair, jumps to the second rope, tries to come off but Punk reverses him and hits the Go 2 Sleep for the three count! WINNER: CM PUNK. Punk poses on the ropes afterwards as the crowd celebrates and Styles opines that it may be lights out for Nitro at the Great American Bash. Afterwards all of the Kelly's Expose girls run up to Miz backstage and start macking on him. Thankfully a commercial break cuts this nauseating segment short.

* The Miz v. Nunzio

Nunzio! Sweet. Nice to see he hasn't been released. Sadly Miz is probably gonna slice him up like a pepperoni pie. Miz immediately his a takedown and transitions to a front lock chancery, then runs off the ropes to take Nunzio over as the Kelly's Expose girls look on from a monitor backstage. Taz is completely perplexed as to Miz' appeal and quite frankly so am I. Nunzio is whipped to the corner, Nunzio floats him over, Miz ducks him and as Styles says "Air Italian comes crashing down!" Nunzio comes back with a punch and nails him off the second rope. Crowd is booing but quite possibly addressing both men, but it only lasts for a second. Nunzio puts Miz across the ropes and stands on his neck for the full four count. Nunzio goes behind with a choke and uses the bottom rope for leverage. Nunzio keeps yelling "ASK HIM" but Mike Posey finally breaks it up for excessive cheating. Nunzio hits the suplex for a two count and scissors his head, trying to squeeze Miz into submitting. Miz fights out so Nunzio goes right back to the neck. Miz does his own version of hulking up, starts firing off forearms, runs the ropes and hits a press to the mat. Flying crossbody off the second rope connects. Miz drapes a leg over Nunzio's head and powers him to the mat for a two count. Miz with a knee to the face, hooks the head, and connects with the Mizzard of Ozz for three. WINNER: THE MIZ. Styles makes a "yellow brick road" joke about Kelly's Expose afterwards. Hoo-rah; nah - more like hoo-nah! See Joey, I can make bad jokes too. Miz babbles something about "that's how we do it ECW style" and I could care less - thankfully the commercial interrupts yet again.

We come back to a Kelly's Expose segment with all the girls dancing to a Beyonce song. I could have sworn that Styles said "OUR MAIN EVENT IS NEXT" before commercial but either his timing is off or Tommy Dreamer v. Johnny Nitro got cancelled in lieu of these untalented bimbos. The latter case would be a really sad day for professional wrestling, let alone this ECW show, which has actually been fairly decent aside from having to see Big Daddy V. Thankfully the dancing only lasts a couple of minutes before we go back to Styles and Tazz at the announce table. Unfortunately they throw to a flashback of V - and I immediately reach for the fast forward on the DVR. When it stops Tommy Dreamer is bringing some PLUNDAH to the ring!

* Johnny Nitro {C} v. Tommy Dreamer (Non-Title Extreme Rules)

We go to a commercial break and Dreamer is already in the ring surrounded by a truckload of weapons, swinging a singapore cane in his hand, when Nitro's music hits and he comes down the ramp. Dreamer charges Nitro on the apron and swings the cane at him but Nitro hastily backs away. He turns his back for a second to take off his furs and since it's Extreme Rules the referee goes ahead and rings the bell anyway enabing Dreamer to jump all over him on the floor. Nitro comes back with uppercuts and stomps and then goes in the ring to throw away all of Dreamer's weapons... except for one lone crutch. Dreamer gets in the ring and he swings and misses with said crutch. Dreamer beals him across the ring and nails him with a cerutch to the back, then to the front, then to the left knee! Dreamer crosses up said leg into a Texas cloverleaf, Nitro wants a rope break, but since it's Extreme Rules the ref can do nothing. Nitro nevertheless escapes and posts Dreamer into the pillar. The two claw at each other's heads, Nitro armdrags him out of the corner and lays into him with the crutch, breaking it into pieces before discarding the remnants. Kick to the back by Nitro. A second kick. A third! A fourth! They seem to be targetting what the announcers believe is a numbed part of his body. How would that hurt if he's already numb - I have no idea. Dreamer catches the next kick and both men end up outside the ring, where Nitro wraps a chair around Dreamer's head and runs him into the steel ringpost. Nitro gets on the barricade and does a flip off the top which seems to impact his knees more than Dreamer's body. Nevertheless Nitro recovers first, throws Dreamer back in, throws a trash can lid in, but Dreamer gets a brief comeback with Nitro being crotched on the ropes and hit with said trash lid then thrown into another lid on the ropes. Inverted DDT gets a 2 count for Dreamer. Dreamer goes top rope with a lid but Nitro rolls out of the way. Nitro slams a lid into his back, goes second rope, and Dreamer throws the lid at him hard. Dreamer puts a trash can over Nitro's head and he falls down into a tree of woe, and Dreamer does a running dropkick into the can! Dreamer props the can up between a chair and the apron, tries to pick up Nitro to throw him into it, Nitro ducks it twice and then drop toe holds his head into the back of the chair for the three count. WINNER: JOHNNY NITRO. Pretty damn good main event. We'll see you here again next week for more ECW and hopefully less Big Daddy V!