07/12/07: TNA Impact Recap

TNA - we are wrestling.

The show opens with Abyss' music and him coming down the entrance ramp even before the opening music or video package. Thankfully he's wearing his usual mask and not the Sting face paint, although Mike Tenay is still going out of his way to refer to Abyss as Chris Park. Time for a match!

* Lance Hoyt (with Christy Hemme) v. Abyss

Incidentally if you had a cool name like Abyss and a kick-ass finishing move like the Black Hole Slam, why on Cthulhu's green earth would you want ANYONE to refer to you as Chris Park! Tenay tells us that the Impact Zone needs a firing hose to seperate Hoyt and Hemme as the match gets underway. Abyss hits the big boot and he's already fired up, then Hoyt gets clotheslined out to the floor. Abyss follows him out and throws him into the guardrail. This is a pretty one-sided ass kicking. Abyss throws Hoyt back in and goes to get a folding chair. Hoyt uses Abyss bringing the chair in as his opening to go on the offensive, and a very weak "Hoyt Hoyt Hoyt" chant breaks out. Abyss knocks him down into the corner and does the running butt smash we always see from Umaga to Hoyt's head. Abyss misses off the top rope and Hoyt stomps on the top of his head then waylays him with punches. Hoyt goes to the top rope for a moonsault but Abyss gets out of the way. Abyss holds up the hand, Hoyt blocks the chokeslam, so Abyss just clotheslines him and goes for it a second time. Up, and down! 1-2-Hoyt kicks out. Hemme yells encouragement as both men slowly get to their feet. Hemme distracts Earl Hebner and Hoyt puts the chair in the face of Abyss, then goes up for a coast to coast dropkick. Abyss just stands up and throws the chair in his face, Hebner finally gets back in the ring, but it's only a two count. Abyss got a bleeder somewhere along the line here on his forehead. Hoyt signals for a running knee but runs right into the BLACK HOLE SLAM for the pin. WINNER: THE MONSTER ABYSS.

Tenay claims the blood flowing down Abyss' head is what fired him up to hit the finisher. Christy Hemme comes in the ring to check on her man as Abyss goes under the ring for a mystery bag of goodies. Basham runs out to make the save, VKM comes out to attack both Hoyt and Basham, and now Hemme is left alone in the ring with Abyss. Tomko and AJ Styles come to her rescue... uh wait, that would make them the babyfaces. Well it doesn't matter cause the lights go out and Sting's in the ring with his trademark baseball bat. Abyss and Sting start creaming Tomko and Styles and they flee the ring. Tenay tells us these four men have a tag team match this Sunday. Sting hands the baseball bat to Abyss and grabs a mic. "AJ, Tomko we're gonna see you in three days and something bad's gonna happen.. but I'm not going to tell you about it, Abyss is!" Sting hands the mic to Abyss. Abyss: "TOMKO!!! STYLES!!! THREE DAYS!!! CLICK, DOOMSDAY!!!!!!!" Well at least he kept it almost monosyllabalic. I didn't actually want a long promo from a man who hasn't spoken in four years. Cue the opening video!

This program is rated TV 14 for Language and Violence, but the pyros are rated G for not being good at all. I'm not even sure they fire off new ones any more - they probably just show the same footage over and over again. Tenay runs down the card this Sunday including Rhino v. Storm and Cage v. Harris, as well as the just abbounced match of Abyss & Sting v. Styles & Tomko. Our main event is the Match of Champions with all the titles on the line, and Tenay throws to a video package promoting that match. Kurt Angle declares himself the TNA and IWGP champion, and Samoa Joe says I'm not such a bad guy unless you screw me... then I'll break you. He also declares himself amused that he's not the only guy who hates Angle's guts. Brother Ray: "We piss on your gold medal, and shove it up your you-know-what!" Angle: "These guys can't even hold my jock. Man it's great to be Kurt Angle!" We get an actual promo for their Saturday night "Road to Victory Road" preview, something they almost never bother to do for their pre-PPV hype show, before they take the commercial break. The promo mentions a three-way X Division match to determine the final entrant in the Ultimate X 10-man at Victory Road.

We're back from commercial and we're backstage with the Christian Coalition. Cage: "Borash you know exactly what's going on!" Styles: "Cage, we're supposed to wrestle the team of champions. You're a champion, he's never been a champion, in fact I've been more times a champion than..." Cage: "Why don't you finish that sentence!" Cage once again reminds Styles that he's always got an ace up his sleeve, and then introduces his trump card Robert Roode, who's going to team with him in the match against the team of champions. AJ is pissed that he got replaced and storms off after them. Tomko shakes his head. "You see J.B., same thing every week!" You know I don't think it's WISE to ADMIT you do the same dumb hokey backstage segment on every single show.

* Kaz v. Martyr v. Havoc

Apparently this match is everybody in Serotonin other than their mentor Raven. Quite frankly the only one of these three I care about any more is Frankie Kazarian, although Matt Bentley has toned down the look and the face paint quite a bit. Don West tries to claim Martyr & Havoc are going to double team Kaz and Tenay says that's because Kaz "has a set" - actual quote people. Havoc picks up Kaz turns him over and runs him into the turnbuckle, leaving him hanging there for knees to the back. Martyr comes off the rope for a double team and a two count as the TNA Mobile promo says to text one of four men A B C or D to 76000. The reason I'm not telling you the names to go with those letters is I don't want you to waste the 99 cents. Kaz finally gets to his feet and drives a boot into Havoc's face. Kaz ducks Martyr, sweeps the leg, and pins him for three. WINNER: FRANKIE 'THE FUTURE' KAZARIAN (and apparently he also qualifies for the 10 man Ultimate X match).

Raven is not happy about his protege getting into the match and comes out to cane Kaz, then all three take turns beating the crap out of him. At least they're babyfacing Kaz in the process, I'd love to see him break from Serotonin and go back into the X Division full time. Raven blows his nose into a rag and wipes it in Kaz' face. You know I love this if it actually goes somewhere but watching this I have the sinking feeling two weeks from now the whole Kaz' storyline will be forgotten. TNA writers have the attention span of lemurs on crack. The Voice of TNA gives us a promo for the Ultimate X and Jerry Lynn describes the match as suicidal. Low-Ki: "The Ultimate X is pure preparation all around. Mental, physical, every way possible." Lynn: "There's no holding back for a second, if you hesitate that's when something bad happens and you get hurt." Commercial.

We're back with another Victory Road promo, focusing on Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle versus Team 3D in the match of champions, with the tagline "one man will walk away with two titles." Don West says James Storm invited him for "a couple cold ones" and we actually see footage of West and Storm at the bar. Storm says he has no sympathy for Rhino because his father died at 12, so why should he care Rhino's father died at 15. "Beside it was a rib, it was a joke!" West: "Do you realize he lost his family and daughter to alcoholism." Rhino: "It dissolved my marriage." Storm: "I lost my virginity when I was drunk at 16. Maybe he should go to AAA." West: "What does a car club has to do with this!" Storm: "Maybe they can drive him to AA meetings. At Victory Road, the next drink will be on him, I guarantee it."

Tenay is giving us his I'M DISGUSTED AND SICKENED BY THIS face when we come back to the announce booth. Next he throws to a video package for the Wildcat Chris Harris. Harris: "Within the first week or two the idea of America's Most Wanted came up. You take whatever opportunity is thrown at you and run with it, but I always wanted to be a singles wrestler. When I had my first singles run I had a lot of great memories, and the guys that I was involved with gave me the confidence to know I can stand on my own. I should be one of the elite in TNA, I have the heart for it. You get the door slammed in your face so many times and you pack your bags and go home, but I haven't done that yet, and I'm not planning to. My match with Christian is going to be make it or break it for me. I've said that in my own mind so many times. How many times did we hear in the matches with Storm we're going to see if these guys can hang. We beat the hell out of each other and got some attention. Then at Slammiversary, I was IN the main event. I didn't walk away with the title but I walked away with four other guys noticing me. After Victory Road the wrestling world is going to know Chris Harris has arrived." Commercial.

This is weird - we are seeing a promo from Ron 'The Truth' Killings even though I was under the impression he quit TNA a few weeks ago. In fact it's a PSA telling us he's going to quit... SMOKING. Seriously - 1-800-QUIT-NOW. If this is a rib by TNA on Killings, it's hilarious! What's not funny is James Mitchell afterwards teasing the arrival of his new monster and promising we'll all "succumb to a world of darkness." Next we have Kevin Nash as a debate moderator between "old school and new school." On one side is Jerry Lynn and Bob Backlund, on the other side is the Motor City Machine Guns. Lynn: "If you think I taught you everything you need to know, not even close. We've got a hundred years of experience over here." Shelley: "What's that - you took me under your WING!" The Machine Guns continue to mock the old school and it devolves into a brawl, and Nash thanks us for watching the "debate."

* Cage, Styles, Tomko & Roode v. Joe, Angle, Ray & Devon

Okay so apparently Styles WASN'T replaced. Why in the hell was he throwing such a fit then - okay forget it, it's TNA booking, it's not SUPPOSED to make sense. This match doesn't either - I know WWE loves to do the "let's put the #1 contender and the champion in a tag match and force them to be partners" formula all the time, but it's reaching new levels of absurdity when you have every champion in TNA ALL on one team. Needless to say the entrance of Joe prompts Tenay to trot out the tired "I wonder how they're all going to co-exist" line, and the last to come out is Kurt Angle, rising up through the ramp with his shades on and a title belt in each hand. Angle backs up almost as soon as he starts coming down the ramp, and apparently it's because he got scared of his own tag partners. This throws us to commercial break.

We're back with a promo for the Ultimate X match again. You know this might have actually meant something to the buyrate if they had been promoting it for a whole month instead of since last week. Back in the ring it's Robert Roode laying a beating on Brother Devon. Devon ducks and hits an armdrag and dropkick before whipping Roode to the corner for a splash, following up with a takedown and two count. Roode strikes Devon in the throat and tags out to Cage, who is reluctant to get in, so Devon makes him get in the hard way and then knocks him down for 2. Devon tags to Brother Ray and they hit a double team faceplant setting up a near fall. Ray gives Cage a long delayed vertical suplex as the TNA Imapct Zone camers give us ten different angles of it for no good reason, actually making it look fake instead of just holding it there with him holding the man up the whole time. Joe gets the tag and sentons right onto Christian Cage's head and neck. West is amazed Joe didn't snap him like a twig in the process. Roode tries to interfere for naught and Joe still hits the knee drop for two.

Cage hits a sucker punch and tags in Tomko. Tomko and Joe start trading rights as the ref looks on, Tomko hits a big boot but Joe hits an enzuguiri. Tomko tags out to Roode and Joe dumps him right on his face before tagging Devon hard. Ray doesn't like it and slaps Joe hard in the chest. Joe steps out and Devon battles with Roode as we go to commercial with another promo for Road to Victory Road this Saturday at midnight.

Roode is beating the crap out of Devon when we come back from commercial, which makes it almost unnecessary for them to show us what happened DURING commercial, except that apparently at some point Styles tagged in and hit Devon with a dropkick. Roode tags out to Cage who immediately starts stomping and pounding on Devon before going for an illegal choke. He breaks it off and tags Tomko. Tomko scoops him up for a big powerslam and a two count. Tomko sets Devon up on the top rope. clothesline Ray on the otherside, but this gave Devon the time to recover and he hits Tomko with a tornado DDT. Devon crawls to Joe for the hot tag and Joe starts cleaning house on everyone. Styles hits him with a jawbreaker but Joe slams him for a two count then powerbombs him into another. It's a big clusterfuck in the ring with almost all the men except for Kurt Angle. It finally comes down to Team 3D double teaming Roode but Cage breaks it up to hit the Unprettier on Ray. Ray just picks him up for a Doomsday Device from Devon. 3D on Roode! Tomko hits everyone with boots. Joe picks up Tomko for a suplex. Styles hits Joe with a pele. Joe takes Styles out of his shoes and socks with a clothesline and catapults him into Cage on the ropes. Joe sets up for the muscle buster but Angle makes the tag, chops the leg out from under Joe, and covers Styles for the pin. TEAM OF CHAMPIONS WIN. We get a final video package promoting Victory Road to end the show. See you all here Sunday night!