08/02/07: TNA Impact Recap


Date: 08/02 7:52 PM
Views: 2,325

Written by Stevie J

We'll be updating live throughout the show, so refresh or hit F5 as often as you want. Coverage starts in just under ten minutes!

TNA - we... are wrestling. We open with Samoa Joe walking to the ring with a towel over his left shoulder and a Hard Justice t-shirt on. Then we get a recap of last week when Eric Young cost Robert Roode his match with Sting. Next we get the "therapy session" with Kurt Angle and last but not least the Christian Coalition closing the show with a beatdown on Sting and Abyss. Christian is in Jim Cornette's office and denies he had anything to do with Abyss being pulled under the ring. Cornette: "You'd rather climb a tree and lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. We're gonna hang a contract over the ring for a match - you versus Abyss. If Abyss or Sting get the contract, he gets the match and he gets to pick the rule." Cornette closes his door and locks it. As J.B. and the Coalition look on Kurt Angle barks orders at his wife and daughter to carry his stuff to the ring. Christian admires Angle's two belts and tells Tomko he can bring his toy belt out too, or trade it for a real one, or something like that. Cue the pyro!

* Team 3D v. Wildcat Chris Harris & Showtime Eric Young

Why does Young's video still say "Don't Fire Eric" these days? He CAN'T be fired any more - he beat Roode and the storyline ended. Well at least we've got a pretty clear delineation based on the teams who the babyfaces and who the heels are. Team 3D run wild early and Chris Harris comes back with a bulldog on Devon and a delayed vertical suplex. Two count. Harris takes in Eric Young and the crowd pops big. Young cautiously heads towards Devon for a lockup and Devon gets impatient and says "screw this" and tags Ray. Ray locks up and immediately blasts him with a knee to the gut and an elbow to the head. Ray misses a shot in the corner and Young hits two armdrags and a dropkick. Devon tries to run in to help Ray and gets more of the same. Young goes for a whip but Devon hits the trip and Ray gets a clothesline from behind. Ray stands on his neck with a pin and holds the rope for leverage and the ref breaks it up. Ray throws him to the corner for the tag. Devon lays out Young with punches.

I'll say this for Young - he makes a good face-in-peril. Another tag but Young comes back with a dual dropkick. Dustin Rhodes tries to hit a run-in as Young crawls for the tag but Wildcat takes him out and chases him off. Ray gets rolled up for two. Team 3D hit Young with the 3D and mock the crowd. They double team Young with a spike piledriver and get the three count. WINNERS: TEAM 3D. Tenay and West put over how good and how ruthless they are as Robert Roode and Miss Brooks make their way to the ring, and TNA throws to a commercial. That's a double whammy - we not only don't get any time to consider the win, but they've jumpstarted another angle before even going to the break.

TNA Live promo when we come back. Tomorrow the stars of TNA invade the Val Air Ballroom in Des Moines, IA and AngryMarks.com will be there! We're back with Robert Roode stomping the crap out of Young on the ramp and taking off his suit jacket. "NOBODY! Nobody embarasses Robert Roode. Roode slams him down and puts honey all over him, then rips open a feather pillow. "THAT, is humiliating! IT PAYS TO BE ROODE." Eric Young has been tarred and feathered. Tenay & West put this over over and over before "sending it to the back" with J.B. Buttnugget Borash is with Joe. "Training doesn't even begin to describe what I've put myself through to become the undisputed, unilateral, and undeniable champion. Kurt if you think bringing your wife and kids to the arena with you will stop me you're wrong. I will go THROUGH THEM, to get to YOU!!" We quickly go to another commercial break.

The best thing about this entire show so far is Bruce Campbell singing "Hungry Like the Wolf" lounge style to a group of hotties, sponsored by Old Spice I believe but it hardly matters - that's fucking Ash pitching woo Burt Bacharach style. Shop smart, shop S-Mart! Next we get Borash with Angle, and he tells his daughter that she can't have any candy since she doesn't want to be fat like Samoa Joe or have "thunder thighs" like mommy. Angle tells her a lot of women would like to be Mrs. Angle so she'd better shape up and get in shape, and then orders her to follow him and bring "roly poly" with you. We throw back to Tenay & West talking about tonight's main event with the Christian v. Abyss contract on the line. Next they plug Bound for Glory coming to Atlanta, Georgia and throw to another match.

* Triple X (Senshi & Christopher Daniels) v. 'The Guru' Sonjay Dutt & Black Machismo

Elix Skipper comes out with Triple X but he's not "officially" involved in this match. Motor City machine Guns come out on the ramp to watch. As if there aren't enough distractions Mike Tenay also has to put up a chyron graphic and plug TNA Mobile. Daniels works over Machismo and gets a quick pinfall while Shelley stands on the outside and winks at the camera while holding HIS camera. The crowd is desperately trying to get into this, chanting "FAL-LEN AN-GEL" but even they seem aware this is already an overbooked mess. Machismo tries to make a comeback but Senshi helps Daniels double team him for a two count. Daniels goes to a headlock and I have no idea why he's slowing this down - it should have been a squash from the start. After all Black Machismo couldn't hold the X title for more than one day, and Sonjay Dutt has never held a title at all. Speaking of Dutt he gets the tag as does Senshi and the two got at it. Over the top rope leg drop is followed by a springboard Lou Thesz press on Daniels for two. Senshi hits a double sledge but Dutt easily overcomes it and goes for the tag, but Skipper knocks his partner off the apron. Daniels hits the STO takedown and tells Senshi to go to the top rope. He throws Dutt down and Senshi hits the Warrior's Way, Daniels follows with the B.M.E. and this glorified squash match finally ends. WINNERS: TRIPLE X. A replay of the double finishers follows.

Triple X jaw with the Motor City Machine Guns as we go backstage. Sting: "Glass tacks tables chairs ladders it doesn't matter. It's either gonna be Abyss or it's gonna be me climbing up to grab the contract, and then it's going to be payback at Hard Justice. And who knows - we might just have a surprise for you." Abyss: "Cage - no more tricks. No more surprises. Tonight, retribution begins!" Commercial. We come back and Kevin Nash is backstage with Angle and his wife Karen. He asks "Dr. Nash" to psychoanalyze Karen. Before he can even do anything he accuses her of looking at his package, and Nash agrees that she was. He says his wife is a damn slut, her makeup looks like a circus clown, and there's nothing he can do - can Nash do anything about her? He says he'll squeeze her in on Monday, and Angle says she'll need some lard to squeeze him in. Nash starts to ask Karen if she's seen any of his films, and she scoffs in disgust and says you wrestlers are all the same and walks out. "You know Kurt was right about that {ass} honey. You should see your caboose from this side!"

* Christian Cage & AJ Styles v. Abyss & Sting

Well this has been a horrid TNA Impact - Angle has berated his family on air for almost the entire duration, I had to watch Eric Young be tarred & feathered, Triple X had a five minute match that should have ended in 30 seconds and the big prize for all of this is a contract on the line for ANOTHER match between Christian and Abyss. The action starts before the opening bell with brawling outside. Inside the ring AJ tries to move Abyss but nothing doing, and then Abyss goes for a double chokeslam but Christian fights out. The double clothesline however connects and then Sting hits a double crossbody on the heels and pumps up the crowd. Styles and Christian both go outside for a breather then grab the ladder, but the babyfaces cut them off and throw them back in. Now Abyss & Sting grab the ladder - the heels try to baseball slide dropkick it into their faces but they just pick up the ladder so Christian & Styles slide underneath and hit the floor. Commercial!

We come back with another promo for Angle v. Joe at Hard Justice with "five world titles on the line - winner takes all." That's August 12th, only on PPV. Christian and Styles have the ladder but Sting kicks it away as we go to a "during the break" replay. Sting sets it up and tries to go up himself but Christian blocks him and scurries up the other side, so Sting bulldogs him off the ladder to the canvas and then no sells the impact by immediately setting the ladder back up and rushing up. Flying forearm by Styles cuts him off. Styles climbs up. Abyss climbs up the other side. Styles has the contract in hand but gets chokeslammed to the ground. Abyss has a hand on the ground but Tomko hits a run-in and whacks him with a chair. ANDREW 'TEST' MARTIN HITS THE RING. He helps Abyss and Sting clean house with a big boot. Styles tries to crossbody him and Test throws him over the ropes with ease. Abyss climbs up and grabs the contract while Test and Sting stand guard. WINNERS: STING & ABYSS. They raise Test's hands afterwards and celebrate. Ugh. At least he's got a shirt on so we can't see his steroid enlarged organs. Commercial.

We're backstage again with Buttnugget Borash. Test: "Let's just say the sides are now even. I've been sitting at home while Christian and his cronies run rampant in TNA. Let's just say I picked my spot. When you get a chance to work with a legend like Sting and the future like Abyss, boys I'm here to serve notice - there's a new enforcer in TNA. The Punisher - Andrew Martin!" Oh boy. Marvel Comics is going to file a WHOPPER of a lawsuit over that one, and I don't mean double meat double bacon double cheese double Homer Simpson drooling. Out comes Kurt Angle with his wife. You know I was enjoying the heel turn of Angle until last week, when it started to go off a cliff, and this week it went straight over the edge into no man's land. Angle: "I am the most misunderstood man in pro wrestling. I am a loving caring and compassionate father, and my wife knows this. I am a loving caring and compassionate husband, and my wife knows this. I brought my wife out here to answer a few questions so you can get to know me better. She never shuts up at home so this should be easy for her. Now I know it's hard to live in the shadow of an Olympic gold medalist, and 11 time world champion, but what these people want to know is what it's like to be Kurt Angle's wife. Answer that question." Karen doesn't say anything. Angle: "Are you deaf - should I ask again, or is your mouth full of chocolate chop cookies. If you're not going to explain who I am, I'll do it myself. Kurt Angle is..." Joe: "Kurt Angle is a horse's asses!" Joe runs down to the ring and Angle hides behind Karen. "What'cha gonna do, hit my wife! What'cha gonna do Joe - what's it gonna be."

Karen escapes him and grabs the mic: "For 12 years, living with you has been a living hell. You've stripped me of every ounce of dignity and respect I have. Our own children, flesh and blood, you treat like dogs you'd find on the street. I've been wanting to say this for a long time, and tonight is the right time and place." Angle takes the mic. "You shut your mouth! Nobody wants to hear what you have to say." Joe takes it back. "That's funny Kurt, I want to hear what she has to say." Karen: "Kurt I have loved you for 12 years and given you every bit of my heart and soul. But you know what I'm so sick of your world titles and your attitude and I'm so sick of your arrogance. You know what I'm sick of most of all is your stupid gold medal! And you know what, you can take that gold medal and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. As of tonight our marriage is officially over!" She steps out of the ring. Angle: "Get your ass back here! Hey honey, c'mon, c'mon." Joe takes the mic. "Seems you've lost everything except those two belts, and at Hard Justice I'll take those with me. After that you'll only be left with the clothes on your back - or better yet I can take those right now." Joe smashes him up, strips off the "Armani suit," blasts him in the face with a title belt and takes his belt off. Angle escapes with what little clothes he has on as we go to a recap of the Steiners v. Team 3D and promos for other Hard Justice matches as well as a recap of tonight. Mercifully this show is OVER.



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