| Date: 08/09 | 7:54 PM |
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TNA... we are Karen Angle.
Backstage Leticia is interviewing Jim Cornette, who's "fixing to make an announcement." 3D interrupts. Ray: "Why are you talking about the Match of Champions, and why is Matt Morgan here? You know damn well what we want, don't be stupid old man. We have 30 days to get a tag team rematch, and we're better than any team you managed when your dinosaurs were around. We're coming for what's rightfully ours, our world tag team titles, and we're not asking you we're telling you!" Cornette: "I can't believe anybody says you don't work out because that jaw's getting a lot of exercise. What are we gonna do - not a damn thing! After Hard Justice gets settled, then we'll talk! If you'll excuse me I've got to go make an announcement, you can turn the lights out when you're done." Cue a recap of the Karen Angle divorce notice on Impact and the opening music.
Cornette: "I'm here to announce the main event at Hard Justice, there are two factions at war and that war will be settled at Hard Justice. These are the stipulations they have laid down for their tag team match." Christian Cage's music interrupts. Cage and the Christian Coalition hit the ring. Cage: "Now Jimbo, I was minding my own biz as I always do and unless my ears were deceiving me it sounds like you were making a six-man match for Hard Justice. I have nothing against six-man, it's good work if you can get it, but it's not really my bag. You see I am the true World Heavyweight Champion. And the question on fans' minds is this - when do I get the chance to regain the title I never lost in the first place?" Cornette blows this off and explains the Abyss match: "Doomsday Chamber of Blood. That is the ramblings of an insane lunatic who wants to break your neck. The rules are simple - it will take place inside the six sides of steel. I know you like to run though and Styles can climb like a chimpanzee, so there's going to be barbed wire at the top post to post and corner to corner. By the time you get outside you'll look like three bowls of shredded wheat. The only way to win is to pin your opponents, because this is Abyss' speciality, you've got to make him bleed. It doesn't count unless you busted him open first, then you can pin him! The man who wins this match, whoever it is, gets the TNA title shot at No Surrender agains the winner of the Joe v. Angle match." Cage: "I'm sick and tired of you trying to stuff things like this down my throat, but you know what, I'll win the match at Hard Justice. It's just like Sting, Abyss and Andrew Martin, they don't have the SATCHEL to come out here and tell us themselves, so they send you out!" The lights go out and their opponents are in the ring going to work on them. The brawl spills out of the ring all over the building but in the middle of this hot brawl we go "TO THE BACK."
Kurt Angle is walking around dejected. "I just got off the phone with my divorce attorney. Can I have a hug? I don't know what I'm gonna do, I lost my wife, my kids, I lost everything." Borash tells him he might want to take a bath. "You heartless bastard. Where's Kevin? He's the only one that understands me." A disheveled Kurt Angle walks away but honestly this was the worst acting job I seen all time, all my life. It couldn't be any more clear that Karen's going to turn on Joe this Sunday unless Russo plans a DOUBLE SWERVE.
Now we hear from Pacman Jones. "You don't know me. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows who I am. A man, a risktaker. T-N-A, T-E-A-M. I am this man. Pacman is coming to Hard Justice. Pacman is coming to TNA." Pacman is shown working out, running around in a six-sided ring, and he's already got his own logo and theme song. Yikes - they didn't waste ANY time. We go to commercial.
We're back and Tenay is still yammering about Pacman Jones being at Hard Justice this Sunday, and West plugs the Barroom Brawl between Rhino and James Storm. Tenay talks Team 3D v. Steiners, West talks Doomsday 6-Man, and Tenay talks about the Joe v. Angle "for all the belts" match. But now it's time for Impact to actually have some wrestling... oh, about 15 minutes into the show!
* Raven & Cowboy James Storm & Robert Roode (with Miss Brooks) v. Kaz, Chris Harris, Rhino (6-Man House of Fun Match)
Kaz gets a three-on-one beating from his opponents as he comes down the ramp. Harris runs down to try and make the save and Rhino comes out last. Tenay reminds us during the intro that Raven and Kaz will face each other, Storm and Rhino will face each other, and it's just ridiculous as they try to throw 20 different angles into this one match. It's not even much of a match as they are all just beating each other with weapons and garbage cans. Storm and Harris finally start cracking each other with the can lids and Harris gets the better of it. Raven is bleeding from the forehead on the outside, but he comes back in with a steel chair and nails Kaz. Kaz falls out, Roode lays him out on a table, and Raven drops an elbow through the table to the floor. This takes us to commercial.
Joe v. Angle "all or nothing" promo as we come back from break. Kaz is trying a suicide dive to the outside but Storm clocks him with a trash can lid as he comes flying in. Meanwhile Rhino hits Raven with a drop toe hold into a chair and clotheslines Roode, then knocks Raven out. He folds up the steel chair and cracks Roode with it. Meanwhile Storm pulls down NUNCHUKS. He sarcastically bows to Rhino and starts flipping them around, and he flips them right out of his hands! A weaponless Storm runs away and Rhino gives chase up the ramp. Kaz dropkicks a chair into Roode's face but Raven nails him with the kendo stick. Harris hits a double clothesline and then throws Roode out. Miss Brooks jumps on Harris back when he comes outside while Kaz kicks Raven through a chair and hits the Raven pose, but thise gives Roode the chance to deck him with a sledgehammer and get the pin. WINNER: THE HEELS. I'd type more than that but we're already going "TO THE BACK!!!!" Fucking TNA. Leticia is outside of Joe's lockerroom "trying to get a word with him" and she opens the door but has it quickly shut in her face. She says she can't believe who was in there, that CAN'T be the special guest tonight, but to find out you'll have to stay tuned.
We come back from commercial with a "Bound for Glory Live Tour" promo that says they're coming to Syracuse on September 3rd. "For 34 years I have waited and Chris Harris I'm coming in three short days, the Black Reign is coming to Hard Justice!" Clearly that's the new Dustin Rhodes character. Meanwhile Angle is giving the worst sob story act I've ever seen. Kevin Nash is listening as Angle says his wife took everything. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU'RE AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST! YOU'RE TNA WORLD CHAMPION! You're a freak, you're a genetic God, you're perfect! YOU'RE PERFECT, YOU'RE KURT ANGLE!" Borash starts to ask Angle about the "surprise guest" and Angle starts the fake sob job. Nash: "Nobody cares who the guest is!!" Then as he ushers Borash out, he whispers in his ear "who's the guest" and Borash whispers back. Nash: "He doesn't need that!" Angle starts fake sobbing even louder.
* Kip James (with Roxxi Leveaux) & Brother Devon v. Homicide & Rick Steiner
The weird partnerships and overbooked "let's promote every single match for our PPV even though we only have one hour to do it in" booking of this episode of Impact is HATE INDUCING. How can they have such good house shows and PPV's and such terrible weekly television! I don't fucking get it! Homicide starts laying into Kip, Kip shoves him off, Homicide trips him and dropkicks him in the face. Homicide baseball slides under him and hits a beautiful tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Homicide turns to tag in Rick. Rick goes to work on Kip, grounding him, laying into him with crossarms to the face and blows to the head, but Devon distracts him, Kip lays him out and Devon gets the tag. He goes to work on Rick on the ropes as we go to commercial.
The same Pacman Jones promo from earlier airs as we come back from break. In the ring Devon is still knocking Rick around and lays him down for a two count. Devon taunts the crowd as he pulls Rick back up by the head, Rick ducks a clothesline and hits Devon with a slam on the rebound. He's facing the wrong way but eventually manages to fall backward and get the tag to Homicide. A huge LAX chant breaks out as he goes to work on Kip and gets a one count on a pin. He gets up in the corner, Devon charges in to knock him off, and Devon ends up splashing his own partner. Kip is tripped into Devon and knocks him out of the ring. Devon trips Homicide on the outside and Kip uses the opportunity to hit the Fameasser. HEELS WIN AGAIN. The ring quickly fills up with everybody's tag team partners before we go "TO THE BACK."
Leticia is with Joe. "You see they say that all is fair in love and war. Tonight I'm going to illustrate that point. Last week I ruined your marriage, this week I'm going to ruin your life." Leticia asks about threats from Team 3D. "My response is that I'm not hard to find, and if you have a problem with me come knocking on my door - I'll be waiting." Commercial.
Samoa Joe's music hits and he heads to the ring with a towel over his left shoulder, belts over his right, and a Hard Justice t-shirt on. Joe has a mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present my special guest, the former Mrs. Kurt Angle." Karen Angle heads out to the ring. Man this just gets worse - she's going to pretend to be Joe's friend until Sunday and then turn on him to cost him all the belts. The only thing worse than this will be if Russo double swerves it and doesn't do it. THEY ARE RUINING ANY INTEREST I HAD IN THIS PPV. Joe invites Karen to sit front row to see him give Kurt the "{BLEEP}-kicking" he deserves. "For 9 months, for what your former husband has done to me, I'll take his livelihood."
Angle's music hits. I can't believe Mike Tenay is putting over the "disshelved" Angle bit so hard as he walks out. Even the occasionally doubtful Don West is totally buying this BS act 100%. Angle hits the ring and asks if he can talk to his wife for a minute. "Karen for the last 12 years that wasn't the real Kurt Angle. I know I treated you wrong, I know I treated our kids wrong. I made a lot of mistakes and I regret them. I want to make them better. All I want to know is if you'll give me another chance - please, I'll melt my gold medal down to make you a bracelet. Give me another chance, please." He even gets on bended knee. Karen: "I want to believe you." Kurt: "Then please believe me. I promise I'll do better. Don't listen to these fans Karen, they don't know you, I've known you for 12 years. These idiots have never known you! If you're not going to do it for me, do it for the kids. Please Karen, for the kids." Karen: "You know what Kurt, I am going to do this for the kids. I am thinking of the kids. That's why this marriage is over."
Joe gloats as Karen leaves. "You've lost your clothes, you've lost your wife, you've lost your beautiful children, but most importantly on Sunday I'll be coming for the IWGP championship and the TNA championship from you. And Kurt, remember one thing, at Hard Justice you brought this on yourself - and INEVITABLY, you will be broken." Brother Ray: "Shut it off, shut it off, shut it off! Joe, you're nothing but a homewrecker. This man tried hard to get his wife back. Kurt Angle is a good man, so Joe, you stole something from us. And tonight we're here to take them back!" Ray and Devon step through the ropes. "Those tag team titles belong to us. So you're going to lay both of them at our feet and walk away like a good little Samoan BOY." Tenay: "Uh-oh! Boy! You think he takes kindly to being called a BOY!" Thanks Tenay, we needed that explained. Seriously, good job there Tenay. Joe lays the belts down but then puts his foot on them when Ray tries to grab them. "You're going to have a hard time picking them up... BOY!" They start brawling and Kurt Angle jumps in the fracas, giving them a three on one advantage. Kurt puts Joe in an ankle lock as Team 3D start whipping him with the belts. Angle lets go of the ankle lock and Devon cracks Joe with a chair. The Steiners hit the ring too late for the save but just in time to brawl with 3D. Kurt Angle backs away up the ramp as this overbooked rage-inducing clusterfuck of a horrible go-home show for Hard Justice mercifully comes to a close.