08/12/07: TNA Hard Justice Live Recap

Welcome to TNA's Hard Justice live from Orlando, Florida! We open with a promo package of planes taking off, shuttled flying through the air and trains hurtling down the track. It's all about showing how Kurt Angle's career has rocketed and taken off since joining TNA, which Angle himself puts over. Of course everything starts to derail and crash when Joe cuts his about ruining Angle's life, causing him to lose his clothes and his wife, and he once again promises to take the only thing he has left - the title belts.

Next we go outside "earlier today" with Adam 'Pacman' Jones arriving in a HUMMER with his entourage - entourage being some white dorks wearing shirts with ugly Pacman Jones logos. Tenay and West officially welcome us to Hard Justice at the announce table and run down tonight's card. We're already seven minutes into the show and no matches are underway - instead after running down the card they show us ANOTHER hype video for Pacman Jones, including all of the media coverage from the past week.

* Black Machismo 'Jay Lethal & 'Guru' Sonjay Dutt v. Motor City Machine Guns v. Triple X

The Motor City Machine Guns have new music! It's some straight up Detroit Rock shit. Thankfully the horny horn funk Triple X music hasn't changed one bit. Finish sequence starts with Sabin hitting a superkick on Daniels and hanging him up for the tree of woe. The ref tries to take Daniels down and Skipper runs in and crotches Sabin on the top rope for an Old School head scissor. Daniels pulls up Sabin but Shelley comes off the top with a kick. Senshi comes off the top with an elbow! Lethal comes off the top with a double sledge! Sonjay off the ropes with a springboard Thesz press! Shelley hits double underhooks and Lethal gets sandwiched by the Machine Guns. Cutter by Sabin and a back kick for two. Dutt breaks it up. Sabin goes top rope for a dropkick and Shelley makes the cover but Senshi jumps straight onto his back to break up the pin. Shelley gets faceplanted by Ki and he goes to the top rope. Dutt rolls over to give him an uppercut and climbs up but Daniels pulls him off and puts him in the torture rack. Senshi does a Warrior's Way onto the torture rack and then onto Shelley on the canvas! It's a motherfucking Mario goomba stomp! The crowd's going crazy. Daniels and Senshi double team Lethal with a spin kick and hit a pose as the crowd gives an awesome chant. Lethal fires Daniels into the ropes to knock Senshi down and rolls up Daniels in the unbreakable small package for three! WINNERS: LETHAL & DUTT. Daniels and Lethal get into a shoving match afterwards.

Backstage Karen Angle is making out with some doofus and drinking champagne. Karen shoos him out. Borash has no idea how he's going to break this news to Kurt and gulps down the champagne glass they handed him as he walks off.

* Raven (with Serotonin) v. Kaz

Raven: "Kaz you've made your point, I get it now. You'd rather piss glass than admit you're wrong but it's okay. We're willing to accept you back into Serotonin. Shake my hand and all is forgiven." Raven offers his hand, Kaz shakes it, they hug each other, but when Raven turns around smiling Kaz cracks him with the kendo stick. Kaz and Martyr spill over the top rope. Raven tries a baseball slide and hits Martyr instead. The early Kaz advantage eventually breaks down into Raven and his Serotonin flunkies triple teaming Kaz every chance they get. Finish comes when Rven pulls Kaz up by his hair for a DDT but Kaz counters and ducks under a clothesline, he elbows Martyr to the floor on the apron and kicks Raven in the throat for the three count! WINNER: FRANKIE 'THE FUTURE' KAZARIAN. "To the back!" J.B. is with Kurt. Don't care, I'm going to get a beer. Speaking of which we get a promo package for Rhino v. Storm and apparently that match is next!

* 'The Cowboy' James Storm (with Jackie Moore) v. 'The War Machine' Rhino (Bar Room Brawl - no DQ)

Storm drinks beer all the way down to the ring and even pours some on a dummy wearing a Hard Justice t-shirt that appears to be sitting at a mock bar. He gets in the ring with Jacqueline, still drinking, and there appears to be two tables and chairs set up. Rhino charges straight down to the ring when his music hits and chases Storm out. Storm backs up the ramp and Rhino throws one of the steel chairs in the ring all the way out after him. The bell rings and Rhino chases Storm up the ramp right into the crowd and the usual garbage brawl ensues. As much as I like Rhino it's really becoming sad and cliche that EVERY match turns into a crowd brawl. The man actually CAN wrestle a little bit but you wouldn't know it because it's brawl brawl brawl, three point stance, GORE (or more often than not MISSED GORE). Rhino starts drinking during the match - he's off the wagon! Finally after Storm has beaten the crap out of him for most of the latter part he smashes a beer bottle over the back of Rhino's head and covers him for three. WINNER: JAMES STORM. Sad ending to a pretty unspectacular match.

Storm brings a pony keg into the ring and pours it all over him before we go TO THE BACK~! Some new bimbo named Krystal interviews Ron 'The Truth' Killings and says if he finds Pacman before TNA does "This publicity stunt is going to hell!" Well then.

* Voodoo Kin Mafia (with Roxxi Laveaux) v. LAX

Seems like they've changed the theme music for LAX now that they're babyfaces, although for some reason they're still pointing a finger at Hector Guerrero at the Spanish commentary position before hitting the ring. The crowd doesn't care either way and are holding up their LAX hand signs and popping for the duo huge. BG and Homicide lock up to start. A brief "DX RE-JECTS" chant breaks out aimed at BG. Kip gets tagged in and whips Homicide hard into the corner on opposite sides. Homicide plays the face-in-peril for a while as VKM cut the ring off with quick tags. Kip does the delayed vertical and the spastic director has to get five camera angles of it. Eventually Hernandez gets the hot tag, goes on fire, tires his shirt off and gets ready to give BG a border toss but the Voodoo Queen gives him a powder shot and Kip hits the Fameasser to cover him for three. WINNERS: VOODOO KIN... HOLD ON WAIT. Hector Guerrero comes over to show the ref the powder in the ring and thanks to Hector the referee restarts the match! Hernandez immediately clotheslines BG to the floor as the bell rings. Homicide punches Kip and jumps on him then pulls him down into a roll-through for three! YOUR REAL WINNERS: LAX.

LAX are shocked that Hector Guerrero actually helped them but they all seem to nod at each other after the match ends. Kip and BG are in shock in the ring as we go to a video package. The whole point is how many times Eric Young has gotten the better of Robert Roode, how many times Roode has blamed Miss Brooks, and how many time Miss Brooks and Roode have gotten revenge. Time for more action!

* Robert Roode v. 'Showtime' Eric Young (Ultimate Humiliation Match)

There's not much to say early. Roode dominates Young with power moves while Miss Brooks provides distractions whenever necessary and yells at the crowd to shut up for the reverse psychology pop. Young gets a little comeback here and there but at the end when the ref is distracted Roode kicks Young "right in the nads" and while the ref is checking on him Miss Brooks throws in a pair of brass knux for Roode to clock him and get the pin. WINNER: ROBERT ROODE.

This PPV started out hot and has hit a depressingly cold low. Roode grabs the mic to cut a promo about humiliating Eric Young. Gail Kim comes out to try and help but it backfires and Roode promises to give her what she deserves too. He goes for the knockout blow but Young ducks and he nails Miss Brooks! Young grabs the mic and says he knew he wasn't getting humiliated tonight, but someone is! Young pours the sticky goo all over her (ewww) and covers her with a pillow full of feathers. Roode just walks away and leaves her there screaming as we immediately go to a video package for 'Black Reign' Dustin Rhodes. The new interviewer is backstage with Chris Harris quoting lines from a 1996 In Your House PPV, saying they are "good friends, better enemies." Harris: "Call yourself Dustin, Golddust or Black Reign, but it ends tonight because I'm sick and tired of has-beens like you getting in my way!"

* 'Wildcat' Chris Harris v. 'Black Reign' Dustin Rhodes

It might be me but Harris' music now sounds like "More Human Than Human." Rhodes is billed only as Black Reign, hailing from "the darkest reaches of his mind." He comes out in a full black and silver patterened ring jacket and when he pulls off his black Rick James wig the silver and black swirl patterns and painted onto his face too. There's almost zero heat for this match early. Rhodes busts Harris open and then whips him into the guardrail. Crowd could almost care less about the beatdown by Black Reign. This paint scheme doesn't do the already non-svelte Rhodes any favors. Rhodes shoves the down and out and keeps working on Harris, finally bringing him back up to the ring apron for a neck breaker through the ropes. Silence in the Impact Zone as a second referee comes out. Jawbreaker on Harris. The paint on Rhodes' face is already starting to peel off as he wraps a chain around his throat. Earl Hebner comes out to replace Andrew Thomas and he gets shoved into the ropes. BLACK REIGN IS DISQUALIFIED FOR EXCESSIVE ABUSE OF THE OFFICIALS. Therefore - YOUR WINNER: CHRIS HARRIS.

This isn't just zero heat, it's NEGATIVE heat. I'm not kidding in the least when I say I nearly fell asleep recapping this. It's not good when the babyface is handcuffed in the corner and your big new heel is jabbing a steel spike into his head and nobody could care less. A weak "holy shit" chant starts and quickly dies. Sonjay Dutt, Black Machismo and Kaz come out to make the save as Black Reign's music hits and mercifully this abortion comes to an end. We go to a video package promoting the feud between Team 3D and the Steiner Brothers. Scott: "I don't need an invitation to kick your ass!" YEAH~! The bimbo of the month is backstage with Rick and Scott Steiner. Rick: "Tonight's your night! You don't like some come and get it! You don't like me, bite me!" Scott: "We were gonna beat your ass in June, but I was fighting for something more important - my life! You guys are nothing but a warm-up, a tune-up. In 24 hours I'm gonna have a ladder match with my partner in Japan! You guys are going down in a blaze of glory just like that company you used to work for." Borash is with Team 3D but I couldn't care less. Start the match already!

* Steiner Brothers v. Team 3D

3D are the heels here so it's all about the underhanded tactics and the double teaming. It's so weird to see Scott Steiner as a face-in-peril. Rick gets the hot tag and hits double back bodydrops and suplexes. Devon gets set on the top rope and Scott gets tagged back in. Scott goes up and hits a very dangerous looking overhead belly to belly suplex. Corner mount for the ten punches before Ray pulls him off and sets him on his shoulders for a Doomsday Device. Two count. Scoop slam on Rick and Ray splits the goalposts for the flying headbutt as the crowd chants "SAME OLD SHIT!" Scott breaks it up and goes to the top rope with Devon to hit a Frankensteiner! The crowd pops big time for this. Scott locks in the Steiner Recliner but Ray breaks it up as the crowd chants "THAT WAS AWESOME." Steiner puts Devon on his shoulders and Rick does the top rope bulldog then keeps Ray on the outside so he can't interfere as Scott makes the cover for three! WINNER: THE STEINER BROTHERS.

They get to celebrate for all of two seconds before we go "TO THE BACK" with Jeremy Borash. We can't even watch the Steiner Brothers celebrate winning their big tag team return on PPV, some doofy backstage skit with Kurt Angle fake bawling to Kevin Nash while J.B. looks on with a camera man behind him is more important. FUCKING TNA COCKSUCKERS. Fuck Dr. Nash, fuck Jeremy Borash, fuck the Olympic Gold Whiner. I don't even hate them, I hate listening to them. Worse this is almost the exact same skit from Impact on Thursday, and now I'm having to PAY TO WATCH IT. Please go back to the Steiners celebrating in the ring... please... NOPE! More fake sobbing from Kurt. FUCK YOU TNA.

* Adam 'Pacman' Jones

Mike Tenay does the introduction and Pacman heads out to the ring. Don West describes it as a "mixed response" but I'd call it all boos! Somebody in the front row is mocking him by throwing paper money in the air to "make it rain." Tenay offers him a handshake and Jones snubs it and takes off his ring jacket. Jones: "I always wanted to step in the ring one day. TNA is a trendsetter, and Pacman Jones is a trendsetter. I want to show the world I'm the best team player who ever lived." Ron 'The Truth' Killing's music interrupts and this gets a REAL POP and a big "WHASSUP!" call and response from the crowd. Killings: "Allow me to welcome you to the snakepit. You see professional wrestling is not a team sport, it's about individuals, and individuality. That means me, myself and I! Wrestling is about who is gonna screw who first. In this snakepit nobody got yo' back or yo' front either." I guess other than Rick having Scott Steiner's back, or Devon having Brother Ray's back. "The way I see things you got yo' ass in a sling a little bit. Your contract won't allow you to touch or be touched. Ain't that a bitch! But you know what, there's a good side to this, and a bad side to this. The good side is the way you lookin at me right now, like you wanna do somethin, you'd probably rather rub a lion's ass with sandpaper before you mess with me! We don't have to worry 'bout you whoopin' nobody's ass around here. On the flipside of thangs there's a lockerroom full of stars waitin to bite yo' ass. And guess what - I'm at the top of the damn list. Better watch yo' back here, at home, in the showers, at the picnic, you better watch yo' ass Pacman!" Jones: "I seen that little interview you did earlier. But one thing about me, I don't talk the talk I walk the walk. And right now it ain't nothin' but space and opportunity."

Killings takes off his shirt and heads to the ring and the "police" take him down. Jones: "Let him go." Of course they don't. "Yeah I'll see you in a little while, I'll see you back there." THIS SUCKED TEN COCKS. After an interview with the Christian Coalition, Tenay throws backstage to Pacman Jones laid out on the ground having been "attacked" while we weren't looking.

* Christian Coalition (Cage, Styles & Tomko) v. Team Abyss (Sting, Abyss, Andrew Martin) - Doomsday House of Fun Match

Abyss gets a three-on-one beating as Andrew Martin comes out to his System of a Down knock-off music for the save. The lights go out and Sting is already in the ring when they come back on, nailing Tomko with a chair. Tomko's already bleeding and things have just begun. The brawling continues on the outside with nobody even trying to get in the cage per the alleged format of the match. Meanwhile we go "TO THE BACK" mid-action to see Pacman Jones being stretchered out. Sure - that's what I paid $30 to see. Finally we go back to the ring and the heels lock the cage while Sting is on the outside so they have the 3-on-2 advantage, then Cage opens the bag of broken glass and cuts Abyss' head open. Mike Tenay: "I don't know what we're going to do. This is a situation here!" Yup - sure is - quite a SITUATION. Abyss has a gusher flowing and even his mask is crimson red. Test tries to fight back but he's out numbered 3-to-1. Sting climbs the outside of the cage with wire cutters so he can remove the barbed wire and get in. Cage tries to stop him so Sting cracks him the head with the cutters and finally gets in for a top rope facejam on Styles. Abyss gets slammed on a chair and gets two frogsplashes, first from Styles then from Cage. Two count. Broken glass is spread out in the ring. Test kicks a chair shot right into Tomko's head. Cage tries to climb up through the open spot Sting cut and AJ helps him make a clean getaway. He backs up the ring and leaves the Coalition to fend for themselves. Black Hole Slam by Abyss on Styles into the glass for three! WINNERS: ABYSS, MARTIN & STING - ABYSS ALSO BECOMES #1 CONTENDER AND GETS THE NO SURRENDER TITLE SHOT.

Recap video package of the Samoa Joe v. Kurt Angle feud follows. I guess Jim Cornette was lying on Thursday night when he said he "signed the main event" beause it's 35 minutes to the top of the hour, so this has to be the final match on the show. Samoa Joe calls Kurt Angle a horse's ass and Karen says she's so sick of his crap and his stupid gold medal. Joe invites her to sit front row at Hard Justice, and if I didn't mention it earlier they kept showing us seats "reserved for Karen Angle and friend" all throughout the opening match in the front row. Joe tells us how much he enjoys Angle's suffering and that at Hard Justice he WILL be broken. We're backstage with the bimbo of the month interviewing Joe. "I'm coming for the IWGP Championship and the TNA World Championship. They say the worst of things happen to the worst of people and Angle in your case it's entirely true. Ask yourself - is it still great to be Kurt Angle?"

* Kurt Angle {C} v. Samoa Joe {C} (All or Nothing - Winner Takes All Match - Every Title on the Line)

Angle's music has been changed - he's got a rapper providing lyrics to the beat now. We get another shot of the "reserved seats" before the Samoan Dancers hit the top of the ramp and Joe decides to to the dance routine with them. AWESOME. That single moment may have been the best thing so far and it has ELECTRIFIED the crowd - they're popping before Joe's music even hits and he comes down the ramp to the ring. 27 minutes to go until the top of the hour and J.B. is giving us the full main event introductions "LIVE FROM UNIVERSAL STUDIOS IN ORLANDO FLORIDA" and all that. Standing in the corner to the left, weighing in at 280 pounds, hailing from the Isle of Samoa, and the sole holder of the TNA X Division and World Tag Team Championships, the Samoan Submission Machine - Samoa Joe! {JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE!} Standing in the corner to the right, the only Olympic Gold medalist in professional wrestling, holder of the IWGP and TNA World Championship, Kurrrrrrrt Angle! Timekeeper rings the bell and we're underway!

The two lock up in the middle of the ring, Joe puts a hand around his throat, and the ref calls for a break at 4. Shoulder block by Joe takes Angle down hard. Angle gets back up and shoves Joe. Joe shoves him back so hard Angle rolls all the way out of the ring to the floor. While Angle is on the outside the "reserved seats" are finally filled by Karen Angle and her new-found-friend, drinking champagne together. Angle tries to armbar Joe but he fights out with ease. Angle slams his head to the mat instead and runs out of the ring to avoid retaliation. Angle does the exact same thing again as Karen gives her new man a peck. Angle tries to shoot Joe off and it backfires. Joe gets the headlock, Angle pushes him into the ropes for a break. A frustrated Angle pulls down the straps. Tenay: "Angle saw the straps were a liability to him!" Oh my God, fucking Mike Tenay feels he actually has to explain Angle taking down the straps! SHUT THE FUCK UP MIKE TENAY!! Joe goes for a sunset flip and pulls down Joe's trunks as Karen and her boyfriend laugh and laugh like Great Khali. Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Angle gets in her face about her boyfriend and Karen throws champagne in it.

Back in the ring Joe is peppering Angle with blows but Kurt responds with a german suplex landing Joe right on his neck. Ten count but Kurt gets up quickly and then starts rocking Joe with fists and kicks in the ropes. He chokes him out with a boot and the ref calls for the break. Eventually both men end up standing and going punch for punch. Joe misses a discus, hits an elbow, and nails two clotheslines. Angle hits a European uppercut but Joe gets a snap slam for two. Series of near falls follows. Joe tries a muscle buster but Angle counters and rolls through for an ankle lock! Joe kicks him off into the corner and goes for the rear naked choke. Angle immediately counters into the ankle lock again. Joe rolls through and kicks him off then schoolboys Angle for two. Olympic slam by Angle! 2.9 count. Angle throws him off the top rope but can't get the pin. Joe goes for the rear naked choke again but Angle bites the hands to get free. 9 minutes of TV time left as Angle rolles him over for the ankle lock. Joe rolls to his back and goes for the RNC again! The ref checks to see if Angle is going to pass out or tap out. Angle gets a foot out and just barely touches the ropes to force a break.

Joe pulls Angle up and peppers him with punches. Angle collides with the ref when he ducks, Joe locks in the RNC, Angle starts tapping out. Joe tries to revive the referee but he's out cold. Surprise surprise Kurt Angle hits Joe with a low blow. Joe's down, Kurt's down. Karen comes through the barricade and tries to hand Samoa Joe a chair. Karen pulls the chair away as Joe goes to grab it. WHAT A SHOCK. She hands the chair to Kurt when he comes over and Kurt Angle wallops Joe with it and then covers him for three as the ref comes to. WINNER AND HOLDER OF ALL THE GOLD: KURT ANGLE. Jeesus Cthulhu God Jehovah this is lame. Mike Tenay is screaming into the mic. "WE ALL FELL FOR IT!! WE ALL BELIEVED KAREN ANGLE! SHE WAS WORKING FOR KURT THE WHOLE TIME!!" No we didn't. MIKE TENAY IS A FUCKING MORON BECAUSE NONE OF US FELL FOR THIS BULLSHIT FROM THE BEGINNING. A shitty ending to a PPV I hope nobody other than me actually bought. Good night, and fuck off TNA. Joe, please go back to Ring of Honor.