Vince McMahon is backstage talking to Coach. "I'm overwhelmed that I had an illigetimate child. And to think my daughter had the temerity to announce it was a WWE superstar." Coach: "I've taken all the information you provided me and matched it up with the birthdates of the entire roster. Therefore I think I can accurately name who it is tonight on Saturday Night's Main Event. Have you given me all the information I need." Vince: "Wait there was this one time, back in the 1970's, in Kansas City, there was this black truck driver..." Coach: "You realize that I'm from Kansas City, born there in the 1970's, and you know I was adopted." Vince: "God this is gonna be a long night!"
The pyros go off and Saturday Night's Main Event is underway! We are joined by Michael Cole, Jim Ross and JBL. J.R. promises us "Who's Your Daddy" tonight. JBL freaks out that Matt Hardy will be facing Evander Holyfield. We've also got the "Big Apple Showdown" between John Cena and Carlito. But first the Animal's music plays and Batista comes out to a roar of approval from the crowd. He's bouncing around, he's excited, he's pumped up and ready to go!
* Batista & Kane v. Finlay & The Great Khali
When Khali finally comes out JBL freaks out: "Say it J.R., say it! What's business about to do!" Ross: "Business is about to pick up!" We're shown a replay of Khali using the claw on Batista during Friday Night Smackdown, leaving him unconcious. Finlay reluctantly drops his shilelagh and we're underway with Finlay and Kane starting the match. Kane quickly overwhelmes him and bulls him into the corner, then whips him to the opposite corner for a clothesline. Sidewalk slam and a cover for 2. Elbow drop before a tag to Batista. Batista shoots Finlay into the ropes and nails him on the rebound for a two count. Batista briefly has an armbar before whipping Finlay into the ropes. Finlay gets a foot up and tries to go top rope but Batista simply catches him and throws him into the corner, then sets him on the top rope for an overhead backwards suplex. Cole says the babyfaces are dominating but Khali has yet to get in the ring, and we go commercial.
Back on Saturday Night's Main Event and Khali is in fact in the ring now, and he's clobbering Kane in the corner. During the commercial break he shot Kane's ribs into the announce table, and as we go from replay back to the ring he's driving the claw into those ribs. Kane tries to fight out and go off the ropes, but Khali goes right back to the claw again. Finlay cheers on his partner, Batista cheers on his, Kane goes for right hands but Khali just gets a big boot up and tags Finlay in. Finlay runs over to deck Batista but Kane takes advantage to nail him and tag Batista in. Batista tries to knock Khali off the apron before whipping Finlay to the corner. Finlay gets a boot up and tries to charge in but Batista hits a side slam for two. Hornswoggle makes a run-in and Batista throws him and Finlay into each other. Clusterfuck in the ring results in Khali being tied up in the ropes. Kane and Batista pick up Hornswoggle and use him as a bettering ram on Khali before dropping him and kicking him out. Khali finally frees himself and goes to attack but Batista and Kane give him a double chokeslam and Batista gives Finlay a spear. DEMON BOMB ON FINLAY FOR THE PIN. WINNERS: BATISTA & KANE.
Backstage Vince is excited. "I've got to know!" Coach: "Rest assured I'm going to name your child tonight." Vince looks into a mirror as he combs his hair and sees a shot of himself from the old 1980's WWF days when he was an announcer. Ron Simmons comes over and looks in the mirror, apparently finding that he's one handsome devil, and saying "DAMN!" Triple H "we can rebuild him" promo before commercial. MVP meets with Evander 'The Real Deal' Holyfield backstage when we come back. MVP says to Holyfield: "Who you know can come back like me, both guns blazing, half man half amazing!" MVP pumps up Holyfield for his fight with Hardy.
Back in the ring are Coach and Vince. Coach: "Recently we learned someone on the WWE roster is the illegitimate offspring of Mr. McMahon. Since DNA tests take so long I've taken it upon myself to reveal this info tonight." McMahon: "Can we get on with this please!" Coach: "In trying to better craft a better life for his family, he would be on the road 2, 3, 4 weeks at a time. Mr. McMahon is a man, a virile man, a man with urges. NATURAL URGES." McMahon: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET'S GET ON WITH THIS!" Coach: "You were very gracious in giving us so much information, and tonight we're going to locate that child. There was a tryst some 20 years ago in the 1980's in Kentucky, and I am fairly certain that this COULD BE your child." Vince looks on in anticipation and Eugene's music hits! Vince says he had sex with a stranger, not a cousin, so there's no way this could be his son. Eugene says "Uncle Eric" wanted to put him out of business because Vince nailed his mom. Vince says he knows he wore protection that night so there's no way Eugene can be his son. Eugene: "I love you dad!" Eugene gives him a big hug. An irate McMahon tells him to get the hell out!
Coach says next there was that wild party after WrestleMania 2 in Los Angeles, so this could in fact be your long lost daughter. Out comes Melina! Even she seems to not believe this is possible, as she's shaking her head in the ring. McMahon: "She cannot be my daughter. She can't be because..." and McMahon whispers into Coach's ear. "Oh my God, that's disgusting!" Vince: "Melina, I just want to say it was just a typical celebration, our meeting that took place, what I want to say is that meeting we had will be totally harmless." Melina: "You better hope so, because if it turns out I'm your daughter, I'm going to take you for every cent you have!" Melina storms out of the ring. Vince: "You ungrateful bitch! That's it, all your calculations, that's it." Coach says there's one more but he doesn't think we should do it. Vince INSISTS.
CRASH!!! Stone Cold's music hits and he comes down to the ring, clean shaven (head and face) except for a tiny little bit of goatee, pumped up and hits all four corners to pose before taking the mic. "I never figured I might have a jackass as a father. But nonetheless, I guess, you could be my dad. Good ol' pops! My old man! (WHAT!) Maybe I could be your seed. (WHAT!) The fruit of your loins. (WHAT!) The result of what came from your grapefruits. (WHAT!)" Vince: "As far as my grapefruits are concerned, you being my son, there's NO CHANCE IN HELL." Austin: "You know that's too bad. We missed out on so many good things. We never got a chance to play catch. Go to a football game. Build a go-cart. Go on that hunting trip. Teach me how to water-ski. You never got to have that talk about the birds and bees with me, and you seem to know so much about that. We could have treasured sharing that first beer together, second beer, third beer fourth beer fifth beer..." McMahon: "I don't care how many damn beers!" Austin: "You make me so sick it would be real easy to come to Madison Square Garden and just stun your ass!" McMahon: "Stunning me would be pointless." Austin: "Your real problem is your overactive grapefruits. How could I help him with that, well maybe something like..." and Austin gives him a reverse heel kick to the balls then an uppercut to the balls. Coach screams: "You can't do that!" Steve stalls Coach and says lemme see that book of possible sons you got. Austin starts to read it then turns around to give Coach a sunner! The crowd goes wild as the ring crew throws Austin beer after beer, one of which he pours on McMahon's "grapefruits."
The beer bash continues! Austin goes over and sticks a cold can between McMahon's legs before his music stops. Austin: "You know what Vince, I think everybody knew that would happen being this is my first night back in the Garden, and it's good to be back in MSG. Let's drink one to me being back in MSG, just you and me Vince. If you want to see Austin and Vince have a beer together gimme a hell yeah. (HELL YEAH!)" McMahon cautiously starts sipping a beer after they smash cans together, still holding the other can on his crotch, and Austin gives him a stunner for good measure, coming over to stand in front of a fan with a "TNA SUCKS" sign. I wholly echo those sentiments AND the sentiments Austin displayed to McMahon. Commercial! We come back and Evander is warming up backstage before the Champ's music hits.
* John Cena v. Carlito (Big Apple Challenge)
The bell rings and we're underway. Carlito smiles at Cena but Cena hits a double leg takedown and goes on offense, kicking Carlito in the gut, throwing his head into the turnbuckle, whipping him off the ropes into a shoulder tackle, and eventually Carlito just has to roll out for a breather. He goes over to the announce tables and gets a chair but the referee takes it away. As he does Carlito kicks Cena through the ropes and he falls out to the floor as we go to a commercial break.
We're back and Carlito has Cena down in the middle of the ring, clobbering him with punches and stomping on his head. Cena tries to charge him in the corner but Carlito gets an elbow up. Cena manages to bulldog Carlito to the mat and he goes top rope. Cena with a a flying leg to the back of his head and immediately he locks in the STFU. Carlito taps out! WINNER: JOHN CENA. The match is barely over a second before Orton cheap shots him, gets him outside on the floor, and throws him into ths teel steps. He circles him like a wolf on the prowl and then picks up the steel chair the ref discarded earlier. He slowly unfolds it and crouches down, waiting for Cena to get up, possibly to RKO him into the chair. Orton runs over to Cena when he finally stands up and gives him a running RKO through the waiting chair! Orton tosses the chair aside. You'll notice they've been carefully sweeting the mix to not make the boos for Cena too big or pop for Orton too big but a competing chant finally gets through: "Randy Orton" and the Cena fans yelling "SUCKS!" The Cena chants are definitely higher pitched compared to the Orton chants, and the shots in the crowd are of children in shock at what Orton's done. Commercial.
We get recap footage after the break of Orton sneak attacking Cena right after he beat Carlito before throwing him into the steel steps and giving him the RKO onto a steel chair. Orton is pacing backstage and Grisham stops him for an interview. "I sent John Cena a message loud and clear! That message was loud and clear. John Cena has just seen what he'll be getting from Randy Orton. It was three years ago that Orton made history at SummerSlam and became the youngest world champion, and this year I WILL become WWE Champion." Now we go to the announce table and Cole says that coming up next is Hardy v. Holyfield. The tale of the tape is not as out of whack as you might think. Hardy is 6'2", Holyfield is 6'2.5". Hardy weighs 227, Holyfield weighs 218. Hardy's reach is 72.5", Holyfield's is 78". Honestly for two guys who aren't in each other's sports that's almost close to even. In fact if this was UFC they're both over the 205 pound light heavyweight limit so this could be a heavyweight title match if one of them held the belt. Hardy has been European, Hardcore, Cruiserweight and Tag Team champion, while Holyfield is of course a four time heavyweight champion. Hardy's music hits first and he's flanked by two cornermen wearing matching black robes. Holyfield comes out and his cornermen are just wearing t-shirts.
Michael Buffer: "Madison Square Garden, New York City, are you REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY! For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLE! MVP interrupts Buffer and hands him a note. Introducing first from Miami, Florida - half man half amazing, the highest paid athlete in Smackdown history, straight up BALLIN, the United States Champion, Montel Vontavious Porter, M Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee PEEE!!" Hardy finally gets introduced: "Making his professional boxing debut - the man who will not die, Matt HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDY! And across the ring fighting out of the red corner, weighing in at 218 pounds, the only four time heavyweight champion in boxing history, and October 13th live on PPV from Russia he fights to be a five time champ and bring the title home to America, from Atlanta, Georgia - Evander 'Real Dealllllllllllllllllllll' HO-LY-FIEEEEEEEELD." The Smackdown referees reminds them to keep their fists up at all times, protect themselves at all times, no low blows or illegal punches. The ref checks Holyfield's gloves, checks Hardy's gloves, and says to remember he's fair but firm. Cole says round one after THIS commercial break!
2:00 on the clock as we come back. Holyfield and Hardy circle and test each other. Holyfield gets him in the corner and starts firing body shots. The ref checks on him and lets him back up. Holyfield starts firing left jabs at Hardy, who is wearing protective head gear. JBL starts to say Hardy is out on his feet and he does indeed fall through the ropes as the ref starts a standing 8 count. Hardy makes it back up and there are 35 seconds left to go in the round. Holyfield continues to dominate and Hardy falls down again with 20 seconds to go. Some faint boos can be heard where before it was all cheers for Holyfield. Hardy makes it back up at 9 and the bell rings just a few seconds later to end the round.
Four ring card girls signal for round two while both corners give their man advice, with MVPbeing particularly loud in his saying he can advise Holyfield better than the actual boxing coaches. Hardy gets up slowly for round two and Holyfield walks over to his corner. Holyfield is starting to feel bad about this and doesn't want to kill Hardy, so MVP gets in the ring and gets in his face telling him to finish the job. Holyfield finally gets tired of MVP running his mouth and cleans his clock with a punch! Holyfield comes over and gives Hardy a hug after the ref calls for the bell, and raises up his glove to show Hardy he respects his spirit and guts. Cole jokes that MVP can now change his initials to TKO! We get a replay of Holyfield throwing a really mean looking punch, and even if he pulled back on it at the last second MVP sold the hell out of it. We go to commercial.
We're back and Tazz is joining the announce table with J.R. and Cole and of course Cole can't resist calling it a happy reunion. It's time for a tag team match we previewed on the latest
AngryMarks.com podcast so when you remember that ECW sucked last Tuesday, this match is the reason why.
* Boogeyman & CM Punk v. John Morrison & Big Daddy V
Tazz refers to Morrison as "The Artist Formerly Known as Johnny Nitro." Somehow TAFKJN doesn't have the same ring as TAFKAP. Big Daddy V's music hits and all Cole can say at the size of his man boobs is "OH MY!!!" Tazz reminds us we've never seen anybody do to the Boogeyman what Big Daddy V has, while Cole says from one of our biggest stars to one of our smallest, Rey Mysterio returns at SummerSlam in just eight days! We start with Punk getting a headlock on Morrison. Punk hits a shoulder tackle and spins Morrison around for two, but Morrison tries a backslide on Punk for two. Punk catches a leg and spins him around for a two count. Morrison slams his head into the ropes and knocks him down with a shoulder but Punk gets back up and hits a leg lariat for two. Punk stands up and backs away as Big Daddy V stares at him, but he still manages to clothesline Morrison to the floor as we go to commercial.
We're back from break with Boogeyman and Morrison in the ring. Boogeyman gives him a high back bodydrop and goes over to his bag of worms for a snack while we go to the replay. Boogeyman tries to feed them to Morrison but Striker distracts him and Big Daddy V gets the tag. V scoops him up for a big slam. Chops in the corner. Boogey whipped to the opposite corner for a Samoan back bodydrop. V goes to the opposite corner and goes for a big splash but Boogey gets out of the way and Morrison blind tags to make the save. Punk gets a tag of his own and gives Morrison an airlplane spin and a slam. Morrison gets whipped to the corner and Punk signals for the knee but Punk gets floated over the top rope instead, so Punk goes for a springboard clothesline instead and gets two. Punk is thrown into the corner but he hits a back elbow to the jaw. Punk sets up for a top rope move and Morrison yanks him off the ropes for 2.5. Punk goes for the inside cradle and manages to get one over on Morrison when he wasn't paying attention! WINNERS: CM PUNK & BOOGEYMAN. That's where we end Saturday Night's Main Event. We come back from a quick commercial break for a recap of the entire night's events from Madison Square Garden to close the show. G'night everyone!