09/11/07: Killa Kev's WWE Raw Recap

Welcome back to Killa Kev's "Better Late than Never" edition of WWE Raw. Since this one is even later than usual (read: I didn't realize that Stevie J didn't post the win/loss results last night, so I better get my ass in gear!) we're gonna cover it all.

Quick results of WWE Heat before Raw, courtesy PWInsider &  fan Mark Sellington:

NO CHANCE! That's what you got! We start out tonight's show with Mr. McMahon and temporary Raw GM Johnathan Coachman coming down to the ring. Tonight we will find out who Vince McMahon's illegitimate child is. Vince gets on the mic and says he was embarassed to find out that he had an illegitimate child. Then fans incite Mr. McMahon to utter a "SHUT UP!", which draws a huge boos of approval, if that makes sense.

Vince rattles on and recaps what we know up until this point, up until last week's revelation that "things are looking up" and Mr. Kennedy isn't his child. This gets a pop, because we're in Green Bay, WI, and Mr. Kennedy is from Green Bay. Vince pulls out a copy of WWE Magazine with Kennedy's face on it, another pop. Vince tells Coachman "rip that fucker up!". I dunno if this got properly beeped on USA, but I'm watching the broadcast from Sky Sports 3 in the UK, and they were late on the bleep. OOPS.

Vince says he wants to know who his bastard child is. Great Khali's music plays. Khali comes out and talks Marblesese, gets "WHAT?" chants from the fans, and Little Bischoff says that Khali has insight into the situation, and "things are looking up" refers to him, because he grew up in the jungles of India without a father, and he'd be honored to be called "The Great McMahon".

Before we go further, we hear the familiar DING DING DING DING DING of a bell, and out comes WWE SmackDown color commentator, John Bradshaw Layfield. He takes a mic and says that "things are looking up" doesn't mean "the 7'3" Sasquach behind you". JBL says that it means money, himself & Mr. McMahon are both self-made millionaires, they're both good looking, both "sexual tyrannosauruses", on and on. JBL wants to change his name to "JBM".

And before we go further with that, Jeff Hardy, the new WWE Intercontinental Champion, comes out on stage, music blaring, and yes, mic in hand. Coachman cuts him off and asks what he's doing. Hardy says he isn't sure, he knows who his dad is, he loves him, but he's been getting messages that everytime he does the Swanton Bomb, everybody is "looking up". Hardy gets a huge chant, Vince acknowledges that things may be looking up for him. He does suggest that he looks nothing like Matt Hardy, maybe there is a chance there is his son. Hardy says "I sure as hell hope not." JBL then cuts in and him and Hardy trade insults, JBL insults Khali.

Then the lawyer for Mr. McMahon's bastard son's mother comes on the TitanTron. McMahon goes on a tirade about hating lawyers, and wants an answer. The lawyer says he'll reveal it at the end of the night. McMahon asks if his bastard son is in the ring at this time, the lawyer says that he can only confirm that Jeff Hardy is NOT the bastard son.  Hardy celebrates, McMahon says that since Hardy isn't his son, he doesn't give a damn what happens to him. Since he's a champion, tonight he'll face WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the Great Khali, tonight. Go to commercial

London & Kendrick are out first, they actually acknowledge the WWE World Tag Team title switch in South Africa that happened last week, darn cool! Cade & Murdoch out next, they gloat and show off the titles. London hitting the hot cruiser moves to start the match, nearly elbows the ref as he bounces off the ropes, and Cade takes over from there with power moves.  End of the match, Trevor Murdoch gets on the apron to distract the ref to try to help Cade, but Brian Kendrick runs in and hits the Sliced Bread ... WTF is that, a running inverted bulldog DDT off the top rope? Anyhow, he hits that, London with the standing 270-degree splash for the pin.
WINNER: Paul London, via pinfall.

We go to commercial with Triple H drawing new t-shirt designs in marker and setting up a home-made "NEW Triple H T-Shirts" sign. Point? I dunno. We come back from commercial w/ a promo for the feud between Randy Orton & John Cena. Then we cue to a pan shot of the "extra security" around the building, Jim Ross notes that Cena has been banned from the building tonight. We cut backstage to Coach & Mr. McMahon backstage, Coach informs McMahon of what he's done. Coach says that he's not going to let Cena do to him what he did to William Regal last week. McMahon says that he's not going to be embarassed by this bastard child thing as well. Coach says that on WWE.com they've been running a poll on who Mr. McMahon's child could be, the #2 choice is standing outside the door. In walks Stevie Richards, McMahon laughs and tells Richards to tell his mom to keep voting. Mr. McMahon asks who #1 is, and Coach doesn't want to tell him. McMahon pushes him, and Coach tells him that the #1 vote was Triple H.

We go back to the announcer's booth, we talk about Triple H taking out Umaga with the steel chair and the sledgehammer while Carlito ran off. We recap the highlights from that match, then go backstage to Todd Grisham with Carlito, who will be facing Triple H at the next PPV. Grish asks Carlito if he's worried, Carlito says he has nothing to be worried about, because Raw GM has told Carlito that he can pick Triple H's opponent for the night. Carlito says that after tonight, he'll be Triple H's "daddy". Lord. Commercial.

Triple H makes his entrance first, and DAMN does that look impressive. I can honestly say that I've MISSED HHH! That's almost insane to say, I know.  Blond Shelton enters next, Carlito's got his back. JR & King notes that Benjamin's first match on Raw was against Triple H, and was a victory. Fans chant hard for Trips, Benjamin starts with the upper-hand, but Triple H powers him over and throws Benjamin into the ringpost.
Carlito runs his mouth to try to distract Trips, Benjamin tries for a baseball slide outside the ring to take Trips out, Trips grabs Shelton and throws him into Carlito.

We go to commercial, during which Carlito distracts HHH and Benjamin gets the upper-hand. Back to action in the ring, Benjamin with a nice tornado DDT off the ropes, pin attempt, two-count. Trips tries for the Pedigree, Benjamin counters out and ties him up in a rear choke submission. Triple H powers out and they start trading blows until Trips knocks Benjamin out of his shorts with a stiff clothesline that takes them both down. Both men up, trade blows, Trips with the high knee to the face of fthe ropes to take the offensive, hits a spinebuster, and Carlito is up on the apron again. Benjamin tries to take advantage, but Triple H hits the Pedigree for the win.
WINNER: Triple H, by pinfall.

Carlito immediately hits the ring with a chair, tries to hit HHH, he no-sells it, and then Carlito runs up the ramp as fast as possible. Coachman comes out and tells Triple H to "get used to that feeling", he reminds Triple H that he's embarassed Mr. McMahon for the last two weeks, which is why his match at Unforgiven against Carlito has been changed so that Carlito cannot be disqualified for any reason, but if HHH tries to use any weapon, including his sledgehammer, he'll lose. Carlito takes the mic, "Now that ... is cool!" Trips tries to encourage Carlito to get back in the ring, Carlito runs his mouth and walks off.

We go backstage and see the extra security again, then we pan to Randy Orton walking to the ring, go to break. We come back, Randy Orton comes down to the ring to start hour two of Raw. Re-recap John Cena assaulting William Regal last week in retaliation for letting Orton get another title shot after what Orton did to Cena's dad two weeks ago. Extra security is around the ring as Cena takes the mic. He addresses Cena and says he's probably at home watching Raw with his father. Orton rattles on about what he did to Cena's father and how he made it personal and is getting into Cena's head, he's certain Cena will slip up now. Nice. Orton can't get it done on wrestling ability, so he's gonna try to do it on the slide.

The fans start cheering for some reason, and then the camrea cuts to John Cena running through the crowd, Cena jumps the barrier, blows past security, and takes on Orton full-force, they roll around the ring, roll out of the ring, and security eventually gets them seperated. Orton runs up the ramp, a dozen security guards hold Cena back and won't let him up the ramp. Cena charges several times as the fans chant. Cena screams in rage and the fans pop. Cena pushes all of security up the ramp.

Backstage Coachman & McMahon are pissed that Cena showed up anyhow. McMahon tells Coachman to do his job, and it's unfortunate Regal isn't here. Coachman asks McMahon if he meant that, McMahon says he can do more thanjust ban Cena from the building. They turn around the corner, and Cena has pushed security all the way to the back. McMahon breaks through security to confront Cena, he asks Cena who he thinks he is. Cena tells McMahon that he's goign to talk to Vince as a man and not as boss. He tells McMahon that Orton will feel pain & vengeance, and McMahon should understand that as a man who loved his father, and this is something he should understand. Cena walks off and is escorted out by security. Commercial.

Mickie James vs. Jillian Hall

WWE Women's Champion Candice Michelle is introduced first, she walks down to the ring, poses on the apron, then takes a seat at the announcer's table. GAWD she looks freaking hot. We're reminded that Candice Michelle is taking on "The Glamazon" Beth Phoenix for the WWE Women's Championship at Unforgiven.

Speaking of hotness ... MY GIRL! MICKIE JAMES! Sorry, hands down, Candice is hot, but she's not as crazy hot as Mickie.  But we don't even get to see her ring entrance, because they focus on Candice. Boo piss. Jillian Hall is introduced next, and thank God they're not making her sing. Hall starts off on the offensive, hitting a nice springboard elbow into the corner early. But this match doesn't matter, because they're going to focus all on Candice Michelle on the mic talking about her match. James & Hall trade forearm smashes, Mickie with a nice hangman's neckbreaker for a pin attempt. Candice blabbers on about how hard she's training and how she's been watching tapes. Hall with a nice powerslam, two-count. Mickie comes back with her Mick-Kick combo, covers and gets the win!
WINNER: Mickie James, by pinfall.

Beth Phoenix bumrushes the ring and takes out James from behind, kicks her out of the ring, kick Hall in the gut and throws her through the ropes. Candice Michelle gets tin the ring and lays in the forearm shivers, but Phoenix levels her with a kick to the midsection and TAKES HER OUT WITH A STIFF FISHERMAN'S SUPLEX! SHIT YEAH! Break that bitch in half! I make no apologies, right now I'm not loving Candice Michelle's character or title reign, I'm ready for Beth to run with the title. Poor Mickie, though. Sorry to see your loss, hon. Love the new hairdo, though!  ;-) ... Commercial, and thank God, I gotta adjust my pants.

Santino Marella vs. the Sandman

Santino Marella comes out with a mic, gets in the ring, and apparently doesn't know how to turn them on. Santino says that it's a very sad time for him as he recognizes the passing of Italian opera legend Luciano Pavarotti. Santino makes a crack about how crappy "The Condemned" is, then takes a crack on American cuisine, and how he doesn't understand why movies need to be so violent.

Enter Sandman.  

Marella starts running his mouth and tells Sandman that if he wants a fight, he'll fight. Sandman enters through the crowd, walks on the barrier, gets up on the turnbuckle with the singapore cane. Sandman puts it aside, gets in the ring and Marella attacks before the bell. Sandman puts him down with a pair of nice elbows, but then Sandman apaprently gets shoved into a turnbuckle and tries to block it with his leg, injures it. We cut to Maria & Ron Simmons watching the match from the back. Marella goes to work on the injured knee, goes for a splash off the ropes, Sandman puts up his knees to block it and throws Marella out, slingshot suplex to the outside. Marella with the upper hand, grabs Sandman's cane and tries to hit Sandman with it, gets the DQ.
WINNER: the Sandman, via DQ.

Marella chases Sandman into the ring with the cane, Sandman bails. Referee tells Marella he's DQed, Marella smacks the cane agains the ropes and he rebounds back into Marella's knee. Sandman enters the ring again and Marella bails. Go to commercial, come back, Maria is talking to Ron Simmons backstage and says that Marella hasn't been the same since The Dating Game segment, and asks if she should tell him that she wants to break it out. Marella comes around the corner, spots Ron Simmons, attacks him from behind, throws him into a pile of beer kegs, says Simmons' signature phrase to him, grabs Maria by the hand and runs off.

Oh NO! We gotta deal with the WWE Diva Search segment on Raw? What happened to keeping this shit on SmackDown? AAAUGH! I don't care about these women. I don't care about these women. They mean nothing to me, I'm skipping this shit.

So we recap this Sunday's WWE Unforgiven line-up so far:

We recap last week's SmackDown, The Great Khali interrupting Rey Mysterio's match and crushing his head until he bled, which lead up to SmackDown GM Teddy Long calling for Rey Mysterio to be inserted into the title match.

A rare interpromotional champion-vs-champion match for the main event for WWE Raw? This is actually a good matchup IMO. Hardy starts off trying to kick Khali in the legs and punch him in the chest, Khali swats him off, puts him in the corner and lays in the kicks, chokes, elbows and his other patented power moves. Hardy tries for the Whisper 'O The Wind and Khali just kicks him out of the air. Khali calls for the chokeslam, raising his arm up high and tauning Hardy to stand up. He grows impatient, grabs Hardy by the head and squeezes his head like it was a watermelon. Hardy falls to his knees, looks like he's about out of it after a minute in this head vice. Khali eventually throws a lifeless Hardy to the mat, steps on his chest and gets the pin.
WINNER: The Great Khali, by pinfall.

Well, so much for a Jeff Hardy push. The only push he's getting is by the refs out of the ring. And he's quickly forgotten as "THE ANIMAL", Batista, makes a full ring entrance, pyro, machine guns and all! Batista rushes the ring and takes Khali down, Khali rolls out, Batista poses on the ropes. Khali & Little Bischoff walk up the ramp, running their mouths, Khali showing off the belt. Batista shakes the ropes.

We go backstage and see Coachman & Mr. McMahon walking towards the ring for the last segment of the night, as we go to commercial.

Mr. McMahon walks out first, and then leads out all the male superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment and directs them to line up around the ring. Triple H makes his way out last.  Mr. McMahon wants to know who his child is. The lawyer comes on TV, he says "in according with his client's wishes", he's going to give clues as to who it is NOT.

Lord. Can we just fucking get on with it? I guess not.

First clue - his son isn't "extreme". So Vince dismisses all the ECW guys. Second clue - his son is fond of gold. Vince & Coachman thinks that means it can only be a title holder, so all non-title holders are dismissed. Vince with a nice quip about Jim Duggan being old enough to be his father. Third clue - his son has "fair skin", which dismisses Montel Vontavious Porter. I don't know why Mark Henry and Shelton Benjamin were still around, they're not champions they should have already left. Maybe they're including former champions? Okay that might work. But why is Chuck Palumbo there? They're not counting ECW reigns too, are they? God, this is not making sense.

Clue number four - he's also got "fair hair". So all non-blond people are dismissed. Fans start chanting for Kennedy, but Vince reminds them that Kennedy is suspended. Fifth clue, "individual". What does that mean? Vince guesses that it means it doesn't mean he's a tag team champion. So, now we're down Triple H, John Layfield, and Sandman. Mr. McMahon says that two of the three could be disasterous for him. The final clue ... "Your son loves to play the game."

Could it mean? Really? Nah, can't be THAT obvious, can it? Everybody but Triple H leaves the ring, the fans chant for Triple H, and Vince uneasily looks Trips in the eye. Vince says "if you're my son, that means you and ...", referring to his marriage to Stephanie. Triple H says that he doesn't like this any better, either.

The lawyer interjects and says that his son likes to play games ... like hopscotch, horseshoes, "and as seen on SmackDown last week, marbles".

It's Hornswaggle.

The Little Bastard lives up to his namesake after all! He's not a bastard anymore, though, Hornswaggle McMahon HAS A DADDY!!!

Triple H falls over laughing as Horswaggle appears from under the ring, gets in and starts posing on the ropes. He then hugs Vince's leg and tries to get a high-five. Vince turns away in disgust, Triple H puts Hornswaggle's bowler cap on Mr. McMahon's head as Hornswaggle clutches his pappa's leg. That's the show, goodnight!

NO! WAIT! WE HAVE THE POST RAW RESULTS! Actually, not much. John Cena apparently didn't leave the building, he got a match against Randy Orton and got a quick win out of it. Thanks again to PWI.

NOW that is the show. Goodnight!