09/13/07: TNA Impact Recap

Hit F5 or refresh throughout the show if you haven't already read the spoilers as we'll be updating the recap live during Impact. Our coverage starts in about five minutes!

TNA... we are going to two hours, whether you like it or not.

We open with footage from the PPV of the tag team gauntlet, showing Styles & Tomko winning. Then we see Samoa Joe flipping out against Christian Cage. Next Angle and Sting lose their tag titles to Team Pacman. Kevin Nash orders Jay Lethal to lay down but Lethal ends up showing them both by pinning Angle to win the X title. Last but not least Abyss taps out to Angle and Mitchell's new monster drags him down through the ring.

Christian Cage says he's here tonight to take care of Jim Cornette's big stooge. "I'm not sure if you know what your job description entails Matt Morgan but you're going to find out tonight! And at Bound for Glory it will be Joe v. Cage one more time and THERE MUST, BE, A WINNER. I told Joe to find and wild Samoan he wants tonight and I'd beat them like I'll beat him, Afa, Sika, Don Ho, I don't care!" AJ starts singing a Don Ho song as the Impact music plays and the camera pans the Impact Zone.

Karen Angle makes her way down to the ring. We see the footage again of Karen selling for Sting. "Can you feel the love in the air tonight, it's amazing! I'd like to introduce you to the man who worked his sweet little butt off not once, not twice, but three times to still be your TNA World Champion and my sugar daddy, Kurt Angle!" Sting rises up through the ramp as Kurt Angle's music plays and Karen looks PISSED. "You know Karen, I don't blame Kurt for what he did at No Surrender in fact I would have done the same thing. You cost us the world tag team titles. I don't want your apology because it wouldn't mean a thing anyway. I just want you to tell the truth and tell your husband I never laid a hand on you." Karen claims Sting hit her so hard she can't remember anything because she hit her head. Sting says that she doesn't remember anything because nothing happened.

Sting sees Angle on the ramp above him and turns around to confront him and gets laid out with a steel chair. Don West: "It's obvious Kurt still believes her lies!" Once again West proves he's the biggest moron in pro wrestling. Kurt throws Sting into the ring and handcuffs him to the ropes as Karen cheers him on. Kurt takes the mic: "Look at me! You want to embarass my wife by slapping her in the face - HUH! You slapped her you son of a bitch. Next month at Bound for Glory, in Atlanta, where +I+ won an Olympic medal, and you became an icon in WCW, I'm gonna embarass the {*SHIT*} out of you. I'm going to break your ankle. I might even break your damn neck. Now Karen, I want you to slap the hell out of this piece of garbage." She does. Ten minutes into the show and no wrestling yet. Angle tells Sting he'll see him at Bound for Glory and Sting spits in his face. Kurt beats him down for it as his music plays. A promo for the much better show Ultimate Fighter airs as we go to commercial.

We're back with Tenay and West talking about a submission match tonight where if Abyss loses he'll leave TNA. Cornette has deemed this match so important that it must take place inside six sides of steel so nowhere can interfere. Abyss explains the situation to J.B. backstage: "Angle, tonight, is not my last match, BUT YOUR LAST BREATH. CLICK, DOOMSDAY~!~!!!!"

* Black Reign (and his rat Misty) v. Shark Boy (and his Shark Bite)

Black Reign jumps him before he can even get in the ring. The bell sounds and the beatdown continues, from a hard whip to the corner to a running bulldog. Tenay announces the two hour Impact as coming on October 4th as Black Reign hits a corkscrew neckbreaker nicknamed "The Schizophrenic" and gets the pin. WINNER: BLACK REIGN. He grabs the pickaxe steel spike and jabs it into the back of Shark Boy's head, then goes out of the ring to get his pet rat. He takes Shark Boy's mask off, puts the rat inside the mask, and tries to put the mask back on his head. Eric Young runs out and makes the save, wrapping a towel around his head.

Backstage bimbo #23 is with Team Pacman. Killings: "We told you Krystal, we told the world, and now we are the TNA Tag Team Champions! A-T-L, Hotlanta. Okay we got Tomko we got AJ Styles. Time to lay a can of whoopass on that. You don't know our neighborhood like that." Jones: "First I'd like to shout out my Titans teammates, as I count down the days 'til I can return. Jones and Killings have come together like a hand and a glove. Pacman Jones will chew you up, and Ron 'The Truth' Killings will spit you out!" Commercial.

We come back with a promo I'd title "100% More TNA" which makes for 200% more total than I ever wanted. Adam-Pac's music plays as the Voice of TNA runs down the Bound for Glory PPV card, sponsored by Midway Games. It's time for another match!

* Christopher Daniels (with Triple X) v. Black Machismo {C} (with Sonjay Dutt) (non-title match)

Non-title - that's not a good sign. Lethal goes after Daniels right at the opening bell and Daniels rolls out of the ring to avoid the attack. Machismo hits a suicide dive to the outside and finally takes off his ring jacket before throwing Daniels back in. Daniels gets the bionic elbow to the head and begs off for mercy but Lethal stays on offense and dropkicks Daniels in the face before covering for 2. Lethal goes to a side headlock and gets throw off into the turnbuckle. He quickly covers him for one as the crowd breaks out into dueling chants. Daniels gets a chinlock and Lethal sinks to the mat but works his way back to his feet as Sonjay Dutt cheers him on.

Lethal gets a brief comeback before Daniels goes back in control and gets a series of near falls. Daniels gets into Hebner's face but Hebner signals 2, only 2, no matter what you say it's still 2. Lethal makes a bigger comeback with a series of elbows and Sonjay claps his stupid tambourine each time one hits. Running knee to Daniels face but he misses off the top rope, making up for it with an enzuguiri and a superkick that STILL only gets a two count. Love that TNA parity booking. Lethal gets his Lethal Combo blocked and Daniels hits the BME! 1-2-no! Lethal kicks out. Sonjay shakes the God damn tambourine again - he's been watching too many Eve videos. Daniels blocks the Lethal Combo a second time by hooking the top rope then corkscrews Lethal straight into the mat for a clean pin. NON-TITLE WINNER: FALLEN ANGEL.

Jim Cornette says backstage that there will be a ten woman guantlet at Bound for Glory. Cornette turns to Matt Morgan and says "I know what you're capable of and I don't want any wrestlers injured, even Christian Cage, so please stay in control." Morgan: "Boss, I got this." Team Christian heads to the ring as we go to commercial with Tenay exhorting us not to go anywhere (so grab your remote and start surfing now).

Cage is in the ring. "Matt Morgan you better get out here right now, before I send Tomko back there to drag you out!" Out comes Morgan in his suit and shades and buzz haircut. Cage: "Wanna have a little chitchat with you big fella. At No Surrender I wrestled Samoa Joe. And somewhere during that match Joe realized something - that he can't, and never will, be able to beat me. So what did he do, he went crazy! He got himself intentionally DQ'd. The kicker - he takes a t-shirt and wraps it around my gorgeous neck! And he hurled my body over the top rope until almost every last breath was out of my body. Now I know Jim Cornette is your boss, but I am the one that runs this show. It's like this - when you see your marquee attraction being hung until he's lifeless you don't wait five minutes to do something about it. YOU MAKE SURE THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Right now you're going to get a crash course in being muscle. There's three of us, and one of you, and it's going down right now!" Samoa Joe hits the ring and spears Christian. Joe and Morgan clear the ring.

Morgan: "Cage, don't go anywhere. In your match versus Joe at Bound for Glory, there's going to be a special enforcer, the seven foot tall Matt Morgan!" Cage: "You can't just appoint yourself! Who said so!" Cornette: "I said so! You're not going to get away with any of your shenanigans any more! And you made your Samoan challenge, so I did my homework and found you an opponent for next week. Let me introduce you to him!" Out comes Junior Fatu, better known as Rikishi. In fact he's still wearing one of his Rikishi Wear jackets. Next we get a promo for the Six Sides of Steel match coming up to finish the show between Abyss and Kurt Angle. Apparently in the less than one minute this promo was airing they managed to construct the entire cage around the ring. Damn those TNA stagehands work fast! Seriously I wonder how long the people in the crowd sat on their thumbs during that "minute."

* 'The Monster' Abyss v. Kurt Angle

Abyss checks under the ring apron to make sure nobody is there before getting into the cage. Angle's music hits and this time it's not Sting who rises up through the ramp. Angle stomps down to the ring with the belt in his left hand and wastes no time getting up the cage steps, although he lingers for a long time on the apron before stepping in. We go to a commercial break.

We come back to a promo for ticket sales for the next PPV and the opening bell. Kurt Angle attacks the legs of Abyss with kicks, obviously setting up for his ankle lock. While this is going on we get another graphic promoting TNA Mobile before Abyss tries to throw Angle's head and face through the steel cage. Abyss picks him up and runs him into the cage wall again and Angle already has a good blade job going. Angle ducks a clothesline but gets nailed with a spinebuster. Abyss steps over his back and twists him into a double leg crab. Angle refuses to tap though and wraps his fingers around the ropes. The ref forces the break and Abyss comes back over to punch him in the head. Abyss tries to whip him into the corner but Rudy Charles gets in the way. Angle knocks Abyss down and starts to climb out of the cage but Abyss snares a leg and hauls him back down. Superplex off the ropes and both men are down as we go to another break.

Angle hits a moonsault on Abyss as we come back. He goes over to the prone Abyss and gets in his face to start slapping him around and clocking him with punches. He grabs a leg for the ankle lock but Abyss kicks him away. Angle comes back over with boots to the knee and grabs a steel chair (how'd that get inside the ring). Abyss punches it right back into his face and Angle is down on the mat. Abyss pulls him back up and wraps two hands around his throat but Angle breaks free. Abyss starts clubbing him back down to the ring and elevates him into the air so he comes down face first. Fireman's carry but Angle slips out of the Shock Treatment and into an ankle lock. Abyss starts to crawl for the ropes but instead decides to roll through which sends Angle flying into the cage wall. Now Abyss puts the ankle lock on Kurt! Abyss sits down with the ankle lock so Angle can't escape but Ricky Banderas now known as Mesias crawls up through the ring with a loop of barbed wire and wraps it around Abyss' neck. Angle hits the bricks as fast as he can as Judas Mesias chokes him out and fake blood pours from his mouth. He picks up a steel chair and cracks Abyss RIGHT in the head with it repeatedly. I did NOT need to see that this week. Smoke pours out of the hole Mesias made in the ring as he grabs Abyss' trademark bag and dumps out the "thousands and thousands of shards" of sugar glass. Mesias stabs him with a piece and "licks the blood. Tenay: "I can't even hardly watch this!" I agree Mike and that's no offense to Ricky Banderas. That's your Impact recap for this week.