| Date: 09/18 | 4:11 PM |
| Views: 2,709 | |
I'll warn you in advance, after a lackluster Unforgiven PPV, I'm not very enthusiastic about tonight's Raw. Will that be true? Let's find out, shall we?
Before we get into the show, here's the WWE Heat Results before Raw went to the air:
We start with John Cena coming out and saying how he feels great because he kicked Randy Orton's Ass and how Coachman has booked Orton vs. Cena for the next PPV (in THREE WEEKS! Geez!) in a Last Man Standing Match. Of course Cena would be happy about that. He has a good track record in these types of no-DQ matches, and he'ls been holding the title for the year.
Well Coach ain't so happy with that, he comes out and tells Cena that he should be lucky he still has a job after putting his hands on Coach at the PPV. He says tonight things will be different, because he's booked Cena vs. Orton TONIGHT ... except, it's Daddy Cena vs. Orton. Apparently Coach told Pops he was going to strip Cena of the belt, Pops begged for anything but that, and Coach told Pops that he was giving Orton the ability to get some revenge for Pops interfering in Sunday night's match.
Jim Ross is right, this just isn't right. I've now got a pit in my stomach. Ugh. And King saying that this is Cena's dad's fault? Let's recap - Randy Orton pulled Pops Cena out of the crowd and beat the shit out of him four weeks ago. Ugh. This is already sucking, and not in a pleasurable way.
WWE Intercontinental Championship: champion Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin
So we're gonna start the night with another IC title match? Okay, this won't be so bad. Especially with Shelton Benjamin in it. They're talking about how Hardy shouldn't be here because of the beating he took from Khali last week. Benjamin on fire early with some hot moves, but Hardy manages to snap back into it like a Slim Jim. Is it just me, or is the dye job on BOTH of these guys just distracting this week? Hardy is actually managing to have most of the offense in the middle of the match here, nice spot where Benjamin tries to suplex Hardy over the top rope outside of the ring, Hardy reverses with a mule kick an then a splash over the top ropes. We take a break, and come back to Benjamin doing his Khali impersonation by trying to squash Hardy's head like a grape, Hary still fighting back. Benjamin slows the match down and tries to methodically pick apart Hardy, Hardy tries to fight back but keeps failing to capitalize on his small offensive gains. Benjamin tries to superplex Hardy off the top turnbuckle, Hardy fights him off, nails the Swanton Bomb and hooks the leg for the win in a nice opening match that went 12 minutes.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy, by pinfall.
The Diva Search is next! apparently this week's challenge is a "Blondes vs. Brunettes" beach volleyball match. At least with all these women this year, they do have an athletic background, and they're not just dumb looking girls. Not that this is helping me to feel any smarter. You can watch the next contest on WWE.com, "Diva Limbo". Yep, those are good qualities to pick in your next WWE Women's Champion ... how low can they go.
Mr. McMahon is sitting in his limo next, Coach slides in and wants to know why the boss is outside. Vince tells him that he's still upset over his illegitimate son, Hornswaggle. Coach says don't worry, plans are set, and he won't have to worry about ... "this". "This" being Hornswaggle, strapped into a child's carseat, eating a box of Lucky Charms. Vince says that he's an infant, it's the law. Hornswaggle throws a fit, breaks free and runs out, Coach chases after him, Vince kicks the car seat.
We take a break, come back, John Cena & Pops are arguing, Cena tells dad he's not wrestling, Pops says that he's not letting Coachman strip Cena of the title, and he WILL wrestle, that's that, respect your elders, boy! Cena tells Pops that they should go whip some ass then.
Then we go Santino Marella pounding on the Diva's door, Jillian Hall answers and says that Maria is still pissed at him. Marella feels like he's losing Maria, he wants to impress her. Jillian Hally says that they should sing a country duet to try to impress her. Marella makes a big stinkface and says he's got a better idea, calls her "Lillian" and then walks off.
Backstage to Mr. McMahon again, he tells Coach that he's disappointed, it's his job to keep up with the Little Bastard. Then we hear Irish music coming from Mr. McMahon's office, we go in and it's decked out in green baloons and Lucky Charms boxes. McMahon wants this contained. Hornswaggle pops out behind a table, shouts "HI DAD!" and then runs off, Coachman in pursuit. Lord, this is going to be like the new Smoky & the Bandit ... and just as funny ... WTF!?!?! A unicorn? Where the hell do you find a unicorn in Nashville, TN??? And sneak it in Mr. McMahon's office?? Another commercial.
FLAG ON A POLE MATCH~! (Did Vince Russo get hired back to WWE this week???)
Daivari vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Brief intros, the bell rings, Daivari goes right up to grab his flag, Duggan throws him off, slams him around, and goes up for his flag. Daivari pulls him down, hits a chop block on Duggan's knee, then goes for the ground-n-pound. Daivari goes up, Duggan cuts him off, Daivari kicks him off and tries again, Duggan clutches onto Daivari's leg to stop him. Daivari breaks free, climbs up the pol, Duggan yanks him down and racks him on the pole. Daivari grabs Duggan by the hair, Duggan beats the piss out of him, limps over to his corner, goes up the pole, Daivari climbs up to fight him and they slug it out, Duggan headbutts Daivari into the pole, Daivari falls off, and Duggan retrieves the American flag.
WINNER: "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, by stipulation.
Okay, I admit, this was a two-minute match, and it works for me.
Backstage, Cody Runnels is begging Coachman to let him face Orton instead, Coach tells him "thanks but no thanks", rolls his eyes, and walks off. Cena then gets in Coach's face, tells Coach to call off the match or "I'm not going to be responsible for what happens." Coach says he just "forgot" to mention that John Cena is going to have a match against an opponent of Coach's picking, and if he wins, the match between Pops Cena & Orton will get called off, but if Cena loses then Pops has to fight. Another break.
Mr. McMahon Addresses Hornswaggle
Mr. McMahon swaggers out, clipboard in hand, takes a mic and tells the fans that he's compassionate and he's decided to welcome Hornswaggle into the McMahon family. He introduces Hornswaggle and the newest McMahon bounces out. Vince tells him to quit dancing. He gets down on one knee to address Hornswaggle, and Vince tells him that if he should die, Hornswaggle could possibly come into a lot of money. Except he's going to fix that, he's putting Hornswaggle up for adoption!
Wow. This is breaking my heart.
Apparently he's already found some adoptive parents! The lovely couple and their lawyer come down to the ring, The husband says that they've been trying to have children for years, they're excited to adopt Hornswaggle. The Mrs. says she's gonna love him SOOOOO MUCH! Hornswaggle begs and pleads not to make this happen. Mr. McMahon tries to make Hornswaggle hug them, and shoves Hornswaggle into him. Hornswaggle pulls his pants down, bites the lady in her ass, and the couple runs off.
Then fans pop. JR thanks the couple for coming *laughs* ... Hornswaggle says that it's just him & Vince now. Vince tells him to stay the hell away, he's not wanted and a disgrace to the McMahon family name. He tells Hornswaggle to get away and go hide back under the ring.
Geez, Vince, that's no way to treat your Cruiserweight Champion! The fans boo Vince, he tells the fans that every one of them would have done the same thing if they were in his shoes.
Cue Triple H's music. You know, as funny as this segment was, it's probably going to get funnier. Which is sad, because that means there's going to be less wrestling on TV. WHich means they they knew in advance that this was going to suck and had to beef it up. Triple H admits that it was him who decorated Vince's office earlier, and apparently Trips DOES know how hard it is to find a unicorn in Nashville! *LOL* Triple H of course with some choice lines and set-ups, I won't repeat them all here because I'd be here all fucking night, and I don't have that kinda time. End results, Vince gets pissed off and tells Triple H that he's putting him in a handicap match against Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. Right now. Except we gotta take a break. Then spend 3 minutes recapping the Unforgiven PPV.
Handicap Match: Triple H vs. WWE World Tag Team Champions Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (non-title match)
Ten minutes after we go to commercial, Cade & Murdoch are in the ring taking a clothesline from Triple H, Trips throws them over the top turnbuckle, an then Carlito comes out to try to distract. Cade actually gets in a boot to the midsection and a swinging neckbreaker, and then some double axehandle smashes and a pin attempt, then Murdoch with a team-assist legdrop for a pin. Triple H is actually on his knees! WTF? He's not had to do this since Pat Patterson retired! The West Texas Rednecks actually get in a few more minutes of offense before Triple H gets bored and starts no-selling everything. Spinebuster for Cade, 1-2-3.
WINNER: Triple H, by pinfall.
Carlito gets in and starts pounding on Triple H, Trevor Murdoch back in the ring, and then out of nowhere, London & Kendrick get in the ring and chase off Cade & Murdoch, Carlito is left in the ring with Triple H, who hands out another spinebuster and Carlito rolls out and gets the fuck out of Dodge immediately. London & Kendrick get in the ring to try to celebrate with Triple H, Triple H levels them with a pair of Pedigrees. WTF was that about? Trips just shrugs it off. *sighs* Okay, that made NO FUCKING SENSE! GAAAH.
Jillian Hall & Melina Perez vs. Mickie James & WWE Women's Champion Candice Michelle
Beth Phoenix comes down to ringside, she doesn't look too happy. I don't blame her. Melina & Mickie tie it up first, and Mickie starts out kicking ass. Perez tries to hit a superplex on James, James throws her off, Hall shoves James off the top rope and the heels take the advantage. Tags in Hall, Hall with a hairmare, tags Perez, who kicks James in the head, then they both clothesline each other. Candice gets tagged in thanks to Perez hitting James in the back of the head, shoving her into Michelle. Candice is all the sudden taking names and kicking asses, Northern Lights suplex, Hall breaks up the pin, gets tagged in, CANDICE WITH THE UNPRETTIER FOR THE WIN?? Oh, they're calling it the "Candy Wrapper". Lord.
WINNER: Mickie James & Candice Michelle, by pinfall.
Beth Phoenix rolls into the ring with Candice's belt, gives it to Candice, shoves her, and then walks off with a shit-eating grin.
We take a commercial break, and then come back with a promo for The Condemned, now out on DVD. *sigh* We went through this back in April. NO MAS! NO MAS!
Coach & Vince are out in the parking garage, I'm not sure what happened because my copy of the video goes blank, but we come back and Coach tells Mr. McMahon he'll see him tomorrow night at the wedding (I'm assuming they're talking about the wedding of Teddy Long & Kristal), the limo drives off, Hornswaggle opens up the trunk, tells Coach bye, then shuts it again. Coach tries to chase after the limo.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Santino Marella (non-title match)
So Cena has to defeat the one-hit wonder, Santino Marella? Surely it can't be this easy. Even Cena looks over-confident. 30 seconds in, YOU CAN'T SEE ME! FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Marella escapes to the outside, Cena throws him back in, goes for the FU, and Randy Orton gets int he ring and starts pummelling John Cena.
WINNER: John Cena, by DQ
Orton continues the beat-down of Cena, and Marella assists by choking Cena on the outside. Orton pulls out a pair of handcuffs and connects Cena to the bottom of the turnbuckle. Coach comes out and tells Cena that he just "forgot" to tell him that Cena had to win by pinfall or submission, DQ doesn't count, so the match is on. Right after this commercial. And more crap about the Diva Search
Randy Orton vs. Mr. Cena
We come back from our break, John Cena is still handcuffed to the bottom rope, Randy Orton is in the ring, gets his introduction, then we introduce Mr. Cena, in music or nothing. He steps in the ring, Johnny-boy tries to stop him, Dad pulls away and says he's gotta do this. Orton talks Pops, grabs him, roughs him around and taunts Cena. Orton takes his time stomping all over dad, and instead of Cena trying to encourage his dad, he's just getting pissed off at ringside and telling Orton what he's going to do to him. Orton is taking quite a bit of pleasure in doing this. Suddently, Cody Rhodes runs into the ring and attacks Orton, drawing the DQ.
WINNER: Randy Orton, by DQ
Orton throws Rhodes out of the ring, then whips him into the ringsteps. John Cena starts trying to undo the bottom ring buckle. Orton slides back into the ring and hits Pops with the RKO. Cena gets the buckle loose, and drags half the bottom rope with him as he chases Orton out of the ring and then checks on his dad. Cena & Orton stare each other down, we recap the match, go back out to see Orton staring down Cena, Cena trying to talk to the ref about getting uncuffed.
And wow ... how disrespetful of the Nashville crowd. They're giving Pops Cena a "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE!" chant. That's how we're going to end Raw. Overall thoughts? Other than this main event match, it wasn't a bad Raw. I've seen better, but the opening match was the best match of the night, the flag match was brief & entertaining, the women's match was decent for what it was, Hornswaggle & Triple H delivered as expected ... I'm still not sure how I feel about Triple H taking out the Hooligans.
POST RAW: Coachman comes out and says that Cena will defend the WWE Championship against Orton RIGHT NOW! And Cena defeats Orton, the bottom rope STILL ATTACHED, with the STFU, Orton bleeding from the mouth.