| Date: 09/25 | 6:00 PM |
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Tonight we're gonna start Raw with no intros, no speeches, just go right to the opening montage and then straight to ringside. A brief introduction from our announcers, then to Raw GM Johnathan Coachman, who says he is about to make an announcement which will affect John Cena. First, we play a recap of the last few weeks of incidents concerning John Cena, Cena's father, Coachman and #1 contender Randy Orton.
We get back to the ring, Coachman says that he didn't know that Orton was going to use handcuffs last week, and because of that Orton would be suspended indefinitely. He says that he understands why Cena is angry, but that is why he has extra security around the ring tonight, he will not allow Cena to take his anger out on himself, on any other wrestler, or on .... Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
Cue "No Chance", and out struts the chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, down to the ring and steps through the ropes. Vince thanks the fans for their rousing ovation. He says that people such as himself and Coach should be respected for their positions, power and wisdom. Vince says that he's sure Cena will respect Coachman's law, but there's one individual who shows no respect, that's Triple H. He's taken perverse pleasure in the announcement of Hornswaggle as Vince's illegitimate child, and he's constantly embarassing Mr. McMahon. Tonight he'll fix that, Triple H will "tuck his tail" and walk from the ring, defeated. Mr. McMahon promises a loss tonight, because above him is a steel cage, and it will be lowered on top of him along with Carlito Colon and a tag team partner of his choice in a Handicap Steel Cage Match. The fans boo, and Mr. McMahon tells them if they don't like it, tough. Carlito's partner will be VINCE MCMAHON! He guaran-damn-tees that Triple H will lose tonight.
Vince then says that he embarassed himself last week, he owes them an apology, that would be Hornswaggle. The happy-go-brah music strikes up and Hornswaggle dances down to the ring, climbs the ringsteps, taps a bald security guard on the head and bounces into the ring and clutches on Dad's leg. Dad pats him on the head, looks down on his son, then gets down on a knee and says he owes him an apology. Vince says that he's not embarassed by Hornswaggle, it was just a test to see if Hornswaggle truly loved him for something other than his money. Hornswaggle says he loves Vince. Vince says he loves Hornswaggle.
They embrace. Awww ... the fans explode in cheers.
Vince says that with great wealth comes great power, and responsibility. He notes that since Hornswaggle has become a McMahon, the ladies are interested in him. Especially Vince's next guest ... MELINA PEREZ! Yowza! She comes out in a HOT green minidress. She steps in the ring, takes a mic, and tells Hornswaggle that they never had much of a chance to talk because he's on SmackDown, but she finds Hornswaggle to be cute, and wants to get to know him better, and asks "Horny" if he wants to get to know her. Hornswaggle blushes, grins, looks to Dad. Dad shrugs in approval. Hornswaggle leaps on Melina and hugs her, Melina squeels, Vince has to break them up. Vince tells them to go have a beer (it's Milwaukee, after all!), Hornswaggle holds the ropes open for Melina, she steps out, and they leave together. Vince wishes them well in a way only Vince can.
Coachman tells Mr. McMahon that was a wonderful gesture, and since he's in such a giving mood, he's got a favor to ask. Coach is aware that William Regal is set to come back next week, but Coach wants a chance to prove himself to be worthy of the Raw GM position. He was going to kiss more ass, but John Cena's music hits the sound system and security immediately gets in the ring and surrounds Mr. McMahon and Coachman. Cena runs down to the ring and starts throwing in chairs. Coach tells Cena that if he hurts him or McMahon, he'll be stripped of the WWE Championship.
Cena is feeling froggy, because he gets in the ring and leaps. Security quickly subdues him as Coach & Vince roll out of the ring and scramble up the mic. Vince tells Cena he should strip Cena of the title immediately, but it isn't to him, it will be up to Coachman. Then he tells Cena he will surrender the title TONIGHT in a special ceremony, and it will be up to Coachman to decide at that time whether or not he gets to keep his title.
Well, fuck, 20 minutes into the show, all that typing, at least it was somewhat worth it. We come back from break, we recap what just happened. Based on all this ... I suspect the wrestling will be short, and possibly pointless. Will I be proven wrong? Let's find out.
Cody Rhodes vs. "Hardcore" Bob Holly
Wow, I thought Holly was traded to SmackDown? As we reported a few weeks ago, Holly's retirement has been put aside, apparently his arm isn't bothering him as bad as we were believed. Holly takes a mic and tells Rhodes that with a name like "Cody", he should be in a boy band. He tells Rhodes that if he wants Holly's respect, he'll have to earn it.
Interesting, Holly is drawing all the cheers here, and Rhodes gets the boos when he gets the upper-hand. Who knew Holly had such a hardcore fanbase in Winsconsin? He's even getting a "Let's-Go-Hol-ly " chant! This is a solid match with neither man having the upper-hand for long. Rhodes tries for a slingshot cross-body block coming back into the ring, but Holly side-steps it, slams Rhodes face-first into the mat, then nails the rookie with the Alabama Slam for the pin.
WINNER: Hardcore Holly, by pinfall.
We take a break, come back to join "Stone Cold" Steve Austin signing copies of "The Condemned" at FYE in NYC last week. I'm sure this can only lead to Santino Marella trashing the movie somewhere down the line tonight. We'll see. We come back to the announcers, we're reminded that John Cena may have to relinquish his title tonight at the feet of Johnathan Coachman.
Jim Ross reminds us that Coachman has suspended Randy Orton, but before he left the building we have some pre-recorded segments from Orton. Orton calls Cena a wuss, claiming he got himself disqualified at Unforgiven. Orton accuses Cena's father of "living off your son like a bum", and then cries about Mr. Cena kicking him in his head and taking his career away from him, but he enjoyed his revenge he got last week beating up Mr. Cena. He talks about the "Last Man Standing" match at No Way Out in a few weeks.
Santino Marella (w/ Maria Kanellis) vs. Ron Simmons (DAMN!)
Marella & Kanellis walk down to the ring and step in, we go to break, come back for Ron Simmons' introduction. DAMN! Best. WWE. Theme. EVER. Maria leaves the ring, Marella starts throwing punches in the air to show he's tough. Simmons backs Marella into a corner and Marella cowers out. THEN the bell rings. This is funny. Simmons is just laying in punches and Marella acts like he's dying! After taking a dozen or so body punches, Marella rolls out. Rightly, he draws "You suck!" chants from the fans.
Simmons gives chase outside the ring, Marella slides back in where he jumps Simmons to take the offensive, nailing hi with forearms in the small of his back then taunting him to get up. Simmons rebounds, goes to hit a powerslam, and Marella pushes off, rolls out of the ring and takes a countout loss, dragging Maria up the ropes with him.
WINNER: Ron Simmons, by countout.
Its funny, the last few weeks I've been talking about how Marella hasn't been impressing me... this has to be an all-time low. We get a reminder that Triple H has to face Carlito AND Mr. McMahon in a handicap steel cage match. HOLY CHRIST! How old is that video of McMahon with the poofy grey hair and the jacked-up body? Three years now? We take a break, we come back to Diva Search crap, which I will skip. If you REALLY wanna know what happened, they post that shit on WWE.com as well.
Melina is abkcstage texting, Jillian Hall comes up and asks, "Where is your boyfriend?" and starts berating her for not going out with the A-List people, she thinks its gross. Melina tries to calm her down, and tells her in confidence that she secretly made a deal with Johnathan Coachman that if she went out with Hornswaggle, she'd get a WWE Women's Title shot. Oh, nice. *heh*
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch are backstage talking when The Highlanders come up, asking for a title shot. Cade tells Rory that they'd love to give them a shot, but it's up to Johnathan Coachman, and tonight they have to fight London & Kendrick. Rory says that they'll go as far as facing them in any type of match they want ... even a "Kilts on a Pole" match! Murdoch asks so pointedly, "If y'alls kilts are on a pole, what will y'all be wearing?" Robbie & Rory show them. They wince. then the Mcallisters show them the back. Murdoch points to Rory's ass and says "That's nice! That's nice ..." LORD.
Handicap Steel Cage Match: Triple H vs. Carlito Colon & Mr. McMahon
The steel cage is lowered on the ring, then Triple H is announced. Trips does all his posing on the top of the cage. We run three solid minutes of advertising, and then two more minutes of posing. THEN we finally get to Carlito's entrance ... all 30 seconds of it. Finally we get the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment ... MISTER ... MCMAHON! Vince comes out with the MMA fight gloves tonight, he looks buff and stuffed. Vince tells Carlito to get in the ring first, the referee holds back Triple H. Vince & Carlito talk strategy.
The bell rings, Vince & Carlito back Triple H to the side of the ring, then Vince tells Carlito to attack Trips and Vince goes to scale the cage. Trips sidesteps Carlito, pulls Vince back down, and goes to work with rights on both of them. Vince tries to escape the ring, Triple H breaks his assault on Carlito and pulls him back in, Carlito nails Vince from behind. Vince tries to climb up over the top again, Triple H pulls him off the ropes again, racking him on the top rope. Carlito with a low blow on HHH, then slams him into the cage, and we go to break.
Back from break, Vince is hung over the top rope, still trying to recover, Carlito with the upper hand for about 20 more seconds, until Triple H gets the high knee, the facebuster, then grabs Vince and slams him into the side of the cage, then throws Carlito into him. Triple H is showing no interest in leaving the ring, he's ready to set up the pedigree on Vince. The DX Crotch Chop, the set-up ... and Carlito with a Back Stabber from behind. Vince crawls to the door ... damn, I'm supposed to root for somebody here? Augh. Vince is nearly out of the cage, Trips backdrops Carlito into the cage, grabs McMahon back in, and Carlito is back on the attack.
Okay, I've decided I no longer care who wins this match. Snakeyes on Carlito in the corner, Vince is at the top of the cage, Triple H is up there, Carlito tries to pull HHH down and gets kicked off. HHH slugs Vince a few times as they're straddled on the top. Carlito gets back up, pulls HHH off, gets elbowed back down. Vince tries to drop from the top of the cage, HHH grabs an arm, but loses it as Vince falls to the floor.
WINNER: Vince McMahon & Carlito, by stipulation.
Vince escapes up the ramp, mocking Triple H. Triple H climbs down, and Carlito realizes he's still in the ring. He tries to scale the cage, Triple H racks him, throws him into the side, and the fans actually start to boo Triple H. Carlito gets slammed into the side again, now he's bleeding. Triple H rakes Carlito's forehead into the cage, then gets slammed into the other side, another slam into the cage, then a spinebuster. Triple H gets out of the ring, poses, grabs a chair, goes to hit Carlito with it, the fans boo deeply. Triple H throws the chair down, picks up Carlito, sets up for a Pedigree and nails it on Carlito on the chair. Some fans pop, but you can still hear an overwhelming chorus of boos here. Triple H's music drowns out the rest of malcontents, mixed with shows of the crowd that is cheering.
We take a break, do a promo for No Mercy, then come back right in the middle of a tag team match. Fuck, they can't even get an introduction anymore?? Highlanders are at ringside watching the match.
WWE Tag Team Champions Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick (non-title match, joined in progress)
We catch up with Cade & Murdoch taking their turns on Paul London, but London gets out of the mess, makes the hot tag to Brian Kendrick, takes out Cade, lays into Murdoch, Murdoch whips Kendrick into the corner, Kendrick ets out, nails a superkick, two-count, Cade gets in , Paul London takes him out, Kendrick with another superkick on Murdoch, hits Sliced Bread #2 on Murdoch, goes for the pin, 1... 2... RUN IN BY THE HIGHLANDERS! They attack Brian Kendrick and draw the DQ. Cade & Murdoch bail outisde the ring, Highlanders beat down London & Kendrick, then run off declaring that they'll get their title shot next week and they're tired of getting screwed. Painfully, how true. Just like we all got screwed out of watching a great tag team match.
WINNERS: Paul London & Brian Kendrick, by DQ.
Backstage, Melina Perez is trying to shower off Hornswaggle's funk ... and the Little Bastard is around the corner, praying and thanking God for his opportunity! The shower shuts off, Melina reaches around for her towel, Hornswaggle covers himself with it, then completely blushes as Melina reaches over, takes it, and towels off. Melina sees him, screams, and runs off, Hornswaggle takes off in pursuit, chases her around the building, corners her, strips her towel off and runs off.
Good times, good times.
Mr. McMahon is trying to pack his gear, Coachman pounds on the door and is glad he caught Vince before he's leaving. Vince says he isn't leaving, he's going for a shower, and basking in his glow. Coachman warns Vince that Triple H is looking for him, Vince says he doesn't care, he can beat Triple H anytime, he's got the psychological and physical advantage, and Coach can go about his business. Vince goes back to packing his gear, this time in a hurry.
We go right into another commercial for The Condemned ... and there's Santino Marella providing his comments! Guess what. I don't give a shit about the Condemned, I don't give a shit about Santino Marella, and there can be nothing good that comes from this. NEXT! Ugh, we gotta recap the Triple H match. NEXT!
Back to Vince packing up, he starts to leave, Triple H walks in and stops him. Triple H asks Vince if he thinks he has his number, if he's got him pegged, Triple H challenges Vince to a match next week on Raw. Vince tries to beg off, then Triple H goads him into it.
"You're on!"
"And you're screwed."
Mixed Tag Team Match: WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & WWE Women's Champion Candice Michelle vs. Shelton Benjamin & "the Glamazon" Beth Phoenix
Hardy & Candice Michelle could be our next hookup for sure, looks like they could enjoy clubbing together. Candice gets the hometown welcome. You know, why don't they do intergender matches anymore? Most of the women in WWE, IMO, are tough enough to take on the guys if needed. Certainly would be more competition for Santino Marella.
Benjamin & Hardy start out first, trading spots, Hardy mule kicks Benjamin out of the ring, goes up for a dive off the top, Beth Phoenix goes over to try to stop him, Candice Michelle runs in and knocks her off. Candice & Jeff both dive off the top turnbuckle onto their respective opponents and we go to break.
Back from break, Phoenix has Michelle in a butterfly submission, we recap Pheonix taking the offensive during the break, then come back to Michelle working her way out of the submission, getting the advantage, Phoenix tags out to Benjamin, Hardy tags in and cleans house, Whisper 'O The Wind, Benjamin sells it for a second, then back to trading blows. Hardy tries for a huracanrana off the top, Benjamin powerbombs him, pin attempt, then Benjamin into a reverse chinlock. Hardy fights out, they trade blows, Benjamin with a nice backbreaker and pin attempt, then they both nail each other with cross body blocks.
Hot tags made again, Candice with the advantage, gets a pin attempt off a hairmare, the guys get in again, Hardy takes Benjamin out, sets up and lets Candice use him as a stage for an elbow in the corner. Benjamin pulls out Hardy and kicks him in the face on the floor. Candice gets hit from behind by Phoenix, Fisherman's Suplex, 1-2-3 it's a DONE DEAL, folks!
WINNERS: Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix, by pinfall.
Backstage there's a press conference of some sort, Coachman tells them that they may see the end of John Cena's title reign tonight, and Randy Orton's "indefinite" suspension will only be for 24 hours.
We next go into an intriguing promo ... a Matrix-style flashing of letters and names and other stuff. There's a lot of speculation on what this may or may not mean, right now a lot of people are throwing up theories that this is the start of a promo for the return of "Y2J" Chris Jericho.
Coachman is out in the ring, we replay what happened at the top of the show, then go back to Coachman who says that now Cena's title reign may come to an end. He reminds the fans that Mr. McMahon left that decision in his hands, but really it is up to Cena. Coachman demands that Cena come out, three times, and finally Cena's music hits. Oh, did I mention that Coach is surrounded by a dozen bald-headed security guys?
Cena shows up, belt around his waist, poses for Word Life (guess he's not doing the military-style salute anymore), and goes down to the ring, gripping his belt. Coachman gloats about Cena's father getting beaten down, then tells Cena that he's got one chance to show Coachman to show some respect to him. Coachman wants Cena to beg him to keep the title, and Coachman might let him keep the title.
Cena takes off his dogtags, kisses them, and throws them aside. Cena looks down, stares Coach in the face. The fans chant for Cena. Coachman takes off his jacket. Cna strips off his shirt. Coachman says that he has no choice, he's about to become an ex-champion, but it can be done "the easy way, or the hard way". The hard way being that all of the security thugs will take Cena out.
Referee Chad Patton runs across the bottom of the screen and goes over to Lillian, whispering something in her ear.
Cena stands off with the belt, ready to slug whoever. Coachman makes a grand entrance of it all, is about to announce that Cena will be stripped, when the bell rings. Lillian announces that she has an important announcement from Mr. McMahon ... JOHN CENA WILL NOT BE STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE.
Coachman says that this is impossible, the choice was supposed to be his. Lillian then announces that Cena will defend the title RIGHT NOW in a Table's Match ... against Johnathan Coachman.
WWE Championship - Tables Match: champion John Cena vs. WWE Raw General Manager Johnathan Coachman
Oh, did I forget to mention, there's already a table NEEDLESSLY placed in the ring? Ooopsies. Coachman protests, security bailes quicker than a hiccup, Cena grabs Coachman after the bell rings again, says "You know nothin' about respect!" and headbutts him. Cena picks up Coachman in the F-U, sets him down, lays him out again. Cena rolls Coachman over and locks in the STF. Coachman taps ... referee Chad Patton has to remind them both that it's a Table's Match. Back up in the F-U Coachman goes, Cena poses, blam.
WINNER: John Cena, by stipulation.
Cena poses on the ropes ... out comes Hornswaggle ... Cena takes the mic, turns to him and says, "Thank you, MISTER MCMAHON!" Hornswaggle points back at him, smiles and we fade out for the night.
Well, most of the wresting was just average, once again Hornswaggle steals the show with the best segments, and I'm honestly pleased with how this angle is going. You think Vince is going to be upset by this? I don't think he is. Hornswaggle is, after all, a McMahon, and if there's anything Vince loves more than anything, it's the utter display of authority of the McMahon name.
See you next week!