10/30/07: ECW on Sci-Fi Live Recap

Refresh or hit F5 as often as you like, our coverage is live! The show starts in three minutes.

It's All Hallows' Eve, and there's a match that will make you believe! Time for a Monster Bash on ECW between Khali, Mark Henry, Kane and Big Daddy V TONIGHT on ECW! "Don't question the fire that burns inside" because it's Long Island, New York and we're LIVE! Tonight we will also have a #1 contenders match between John Morrison and The Miz. Time for our opening match!

* Elijah Burke v. Jimmy Wang Yang

What the fuck~! This must be part of the "talent exchange" between ECW and Smackdown. Poor Yang, Burke is probably going to kill him. Burke: "Y'know if there's one thing I can't stand, it's working class people like you." Burke was attempting to get cheap heat, but that promo needed to go somewhere... and he just stopped right there. Consequently nobody in Long Island cares, nor did they care when Burke grounded him and put him in a chinlock. Burke is knocking Yang around with ease but finally he missed a clothesline on a leapfrog and Yang followed up knocking him down with a standing moonsault. Burke floated Yang out to the apron and ran him into the pole. For some reason there's a ton of fog or smog down on the floor near where Burke goes out to throw him into the steps - I suspect it must be leftover from the Smackdown tapings. Neither Tazz or Styles acknowledge it's there.

Burke grounds Yang again and the lack of heat for this match is phenomenal - in fact instead of booing or cheering any man they're chanting "WE WANT..." somebody, I can't make it out on TV. Probably because it's only 50 people chanting, but it's so quiet in Long Island you can still hear them. This match has already gone about five minutes longer than I thought it would when Burke takes a bump for Yang off a leg sweep and he briefly gets the heat when Yang hits a spinkick on Burke as he's coming off the top rope. Eventually Burke causes Yang to miss him in the corner and posts him left shoulder first before nailing the Elijah Express to his back for three. WINNER: ELIJAH BURKE. Well it took longer to get the result but it's still the result I would expect for Yang facing Burke. I actually feel bad for BOTH men that nobody gave a shit, since this really wasn't a bad match. I wonder if something hot happened at the end of the Smackdown taping that completely burned out this crowd. We get another promo for the Monster Mash Battle Royal tonight as we go to commercial.

They're showing a Raw Rebound right now. Ordinarily I'd point you to Killa Kev's recap but there isn't one up yet. Here's the long and short of the story - Umaga and Orton were beating up Triple H two on one but Shawn Michaels ran down to make the save. It's the reunion of DX, of sorts. William Regal says he's sorry to Vince that things didn't turn out the way he wanted to, Vince says he always gets things the way he wants, and therefore for one night only next Monday DX will be back together again.

We're back in Long Island with ECW! Nunzio is dressed up in a Vampire cape and mask and a whole pack of children are following him around backstage looking for candy. The first person they "trick or treat" is Balls Mahoney, the second is CM Punk. Nunzio asks what he's dressed up as, and Punk says "the ECW Champion." I'm not sure if that was supposed to be the joke or not. The last person they trick or treat is The Boogeyman, who has wormsworms hanging out of his nose, drops live worms in their bags, and then eats some more for good measure. Here's the funny part - Nunzio ran away screaming, but none of the kids even seems to be quivering in his presence - they all just STAND THERE. We get a promo for WrestleMania 24 tickets going on sale this weekend and a commercial break.

Back again in Long Island and Styles is thanking us for 13 million votes determining the Cyber Sunday PPV card. Here's the thing - I only voted once, I voted for Matt Hardy and MVP to have an MMA match, and they didn't even have a match AT ALL. So Joey Styles, THANKS FOR NOTHING. Here comes Nunzio, the "Ghoulish Goomba" according to Styles, and even Tazz says you should just leave the bad jokes to him. Speaking of bad jokes, Dreamer comes out for his match and he appears to be dressed like Paul Heyman. There are so many levels to that we can't even discuss them all during this recap.

* Nunzio v. Tommy Dreamer

At least it's an ECW match between ECW Originals. Here's the weird thing - both Tazz and Styles are pretending it's not supposed to be Heyman, not even acknowledging who he is, even though he's wearing a long trenchcoat, a Yankees hat, and has a laminated ECW badge around his neck. The fact that Dreamer clearly dressed up like Heyman and they're clearly pretending to not know who Paul Heyman is MAKES THEM ALL BIG FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS. If they weren't going to acknowledge it they never should have done it because that makes it a rib on exactly ONE person and I doubt Heyman is even watching. Nunzio tries to kick Dreamer in the gut and it does no good, at which point Dreamer takes out the pillow he was using to imitate Paul E.'s portly figure. Dreamer continues to slam Nunzio around, flapjacking him face first into the mat, and getting a two count. Nunzio knocks him to the outside but crashes and burns coming over the top, at which point Dreamer picks up a pumpkin and whacks Nunzio with it (as Styles explains this is an Extreme Rules match - about three minutes too late for that). Dreamer's Yankees cap comes off and he has on a bandana painted to look like the two or three whisps of hair on Heyman's bald head, and they are STILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGING HE'S DRESSED LIKE PAUL HEYMAN. This is now going beyond irritating, it's making me FUCKING MAD THAT JOEY STYLES AND TAZZ ARE PRETENDING TO NOT KNOW WHO PAUL HEYMAN IS - FUCK BOTH OF YOU COCKSUCKERS. Ahem. Dreamer picks up a pumpkin pie, puts some whipped cream on it, and does a running splash off the apron creaming Nunzio in the face with the pie. Dreamer puts the baseball cap back on and there's a big ponytail sticking out of the back of it, AND THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS. "Maybe that's Tommy Dreamer's agent!" TAZZ SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Nunzio shoves Dreamer into the ringpost and he takes a bump. "Count Nunzio" goes into a vat designed to bob for apples and starts whipping them at his back. He runs to smash a pumpkin on Dreamer and takes a pratfall, planned or not, and I'm guessing not because Dreamer audibly says "what the hell!" Dreamer goes on offense and drowns Nunzio in the tub full of apples, then dumps the whole tub over his head and screams! Clearly at this point they're beyond following the script or even calling the match in the ring, they're just making shit up. Dreamer throws him back in clocks him with "a big cell phone from 1982" and THEY ARE STILL PRETENDING TO NOT... OH FUCK YOU BOTH AND FUCK ECW YOU CAN SUCK MY FUCKING DICK ASSHOLES. I have never hated Tazz or Styles more. Dreamer puts Nunzio in the tree of woe and he tries to sit up, so Dreamer clocks him over the head with the barrel for bobbing apples. He drops it on the ground, does the "E-C-W!!!" dropkick and the barrel smacks Nunzio in the face. DDT, three count. WINNER: TOMMY 'PAUL HEYMAN' DREAMER. I want everybody involved in producing this segment to die, and I want both Styles and Dreamer to spend 15 minutes in the ring being given chokeslams by 911 and then finished off with a barbed wire match featuring both Raven and Dreamer.

* The Miz v. John Morrison (#1 Contender's Match)

This is what we come back to after commercial break. I'm so pissed off I can barely even stomach watching the rest of this show now. I'm not even offended that they're making fun of Paul Heyman, I'm offended they won't ACKNOWLEDGE THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE DOING. If you're going to make fun of the man just do it and don't insult my intelligence by telling me that both the play-by-play announcer for ECW and the former ECW champion don't recognize somebody dressing up like Heyman for Halloween. They're not that fucking stupid, I KNOW they're not that fucking stupid, and you motherfuckers in WWE clearly wrote them a script for the commentary where they had to PLAY STUPID. Okay I'm sorry I'll try to concentrate on this match and ignore the fact that in a million years JBL, J.R, and King would never intentionally play stupid on live commentary (Cole would - he's a douchebag tool like that). Miz covers Morrison for two with an arm right to his throat, then faceplants him all the while holding his nose from Morrison hitting him with something earlier. He goes for the Reality Check, Morrison blocks, and we get a series of rolling two counts. Miz hands Morrison on the ropes but Morrison gets up before he can land anything, hits the corkscrew neckbreaker, and gets the pin. WINNER AND NEW #1 CONTENDER: JOHN MORRISON. That was out of nowhere and the match seemed to go home way too early. Either Dreamer v. Nunzio ran long, or they are trying to save time for the Monster Mash main event. Here's the thing - if they had just skipped the stupid trick or treat segment earlier in the show these two could have gone three more minutes and a decent match could have been a good or a GREAT one. Instead I'm sure I will hear a couple of guys from a popular webcast reviewing this show on Friday night and they will both say "this was okay" and "it was FINE." This show continues to find new ways to offend me, and cutting what could have been a really good match short is the kind of fucking bullshit TNA would do. It's even more annoying because we have to listen to a Mark Henry promo and watch a promo for replays of Cyber Sunday afterwards before commercial.

We're back with a promo for Big Daddy V and the creepy announcer saying he has an insatiable appetite for destruction and no remorse. Meanwhile John Morrison is lounging around at the announce table and CM Punk is coming out for a match. Since it's already 9:48 and they're still having a Punk match they obviously have no faith in the "Monster Mash" being any good and intend for it to take up ten minutes or less of TV time. That's a shame - if you're going to have four untalented gigantic doofuses in the ring for a Battle Royal you might as well make it as epic a trainwreck as possible so at least people will be talking about it in the weeks and months to come. I'm feeling let down and the match hasn't even taken place yet.

* CM Punk v. James Curtis

This is clearly a non-title match, but the funny thing is I think Curtis was the same guy who had the TEN MINUTE LONG COMPETITIVE MATCH WITH KEVIN THORN. As absurd as it was for some no-name to go that long with a guy they had actually established on ECW (even though they never established him actually getting close to a title, just winning a lot and feuding with Steven Richards a lot) at least it did make me remember who he was... if I was SUPPOSED to remember who he was. Maybe since they're using him again this is a guy they actually have plans for. Punk glares at Morrison over at the announce table before the bell rings, and then gets into a tie-up in the middle of the ring. Punk knocks Curtis down with a shoulder tackle, puts him in a headlock, but Curtis pushes him into the corner and spears him repeatedly before whipping him to the corner for a clothesline and some chops. Morrison is running his mouth but he's not staying in the Shaman of Sexy character very well - he's talking so much he actually sounds like Johnny Nitro. Flying clothesline off the top for Punk and he sets up for the Go 2 Sleep, instantly getting it and the three count. WINNER: CM PUNK. Well so much for establishing Curtis. Furthermore so much for Punk winning - he doesn't even have one second to celebrate before Morrison hits the ring to give him a corkscrew neckbreaker. I think I've finally figured it out - this is the week they decided to book ECW like TNA in preparation for going head to head with it on a Thursday night in two weeks. That's the only reason this show could POSSIBLY be so retarded tonight.

It's 9:57 local time as we come back from commercial, which means even with the overrun this Monster Mash Battle Royal can only be 8 minutes. Actually I take that back, it's only going to be 7 minutes because they spend another minute running a promo for WWEShop.com and promoting a match next week between champion CM Punk and challenger John Morrison for the title. At least they had Great Khali make his way down to the ring during the commercial break, so he's already there waiting when Tony Chimel starts announcing the match.

* Great Khali v. Mark Henry v. Kane v. Big Daddy V (Monster Mash Battle Royal)

You know at times I've had small amounts of appreciation for Mark Henry, but seeing him walk out before Big Daddy V gives me LARGE amounts of appreciation for him. At least Mark Henry is in shape for all of his bulk. When the announcers refer to Big Daddy V as a "mountain of mass" that's exactly right - unlike Henry it's all flab and NO MUSCLE. Kane is the last to come in the ring and remember that in previous ECW on Sci-Fi we've seen Kane stand nose to nose with V, which means they are the same height... only V is 100+ pounds heavier due to all the flab. All of the guys try to gang up on Kane but he gets out of the way, and then Khali pairs off with Kane while V pairs off with Henry. The latter two do a double clothesline spot that looks like a slow motion Claymation movie. Khali chops down Kane and ambles over to him on the ropes (you can hardly call it walking). Henry picks him up but can barely set him down cleanly and it looks like a bad day for both men. Kane gets ping-ponged between V and Henry. V gives Kane a fucked up slam so bad it prompts a boo from the crowd. This is horrible. Henry tries to choke out Khali in the corner but V splashes both men, then goes back to the opposite corner to give Kane a chop. V goes for the running splash put Kane gets out of the way and dumps V to the floor, where we see his manboobs jiggling. BIG DADDY V ELIMINATED. Kane, Khali and Henry get into it and both Henry and Kane decide to clothesline Khali, knocking him to the floor. GREAT KHALI ELIMINATED.

Well at least the two most athletic and halfway talented men are the ones left in the match. Kane tries to deadlift Henry and he blocks it then knocks Kane into the ropes, leaving him hanging. Kane goes out through the ropes and tries to crossbody Henry off the top, but Henry catches him in the air and runs to dump him over the ropes to the floor. KANE ELIMINATED - MARK HENRY WINS. Well if they actually do something with Henry after this on ECW or Smackdown, maybe it was actually worthwhile despite being such a debacle of a match. That's it for ECW this week!