| Date: 01/08 | 8:55 PM |
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Welcome to another week of ECW on AngryMarks.com! "Don't question my heart! Don't question the fire that burns inside." I've already seen a sign in the crowd that says "free lapdance for Miz" and I sincerely hope that was a woman and not a tranny. The crowd in Wilkes-Barre, PA seems really excited. They won't be when they find out they have to watch Kelly Kelly v. Layla in a DANCE OFF. Then again that's better than watching them wrestle. Also Chavo Guerrero gets a SECOND CHANCE tonight against CM Punk. Time for our opening match!
* John Morrison & The Miz {C} v. MOORE WANG~! (15 Minutes of Fame for the WWE Tag Team Titles)
Morrison comes out first for the slow mo' hair blow and it's clear that somewhere a three-toed yellow hoopy frood bird gave its life to make Morrison's jacket. Thankfully Miz just has his trunks and stupid hat on so no other mythical creatures have to give their lives up for ring gear. Speaking of non-descript outfits, Yang comes out in a wife beater, while he and Shannon Moore both have on modified cowboy hats. We see a recap video of their win over the tag champions three weeks ago.
The bell rings and our 15 minute countdown is underway. Whichever team gets the most decisions in the time limit will be the WWE Tag Team Champions. It's like an Iron Man Match except one quarter the length... and with tags. Moore and Miz go at it first until Miz throws him to the heel corner to cut off the ring and administer a double beating. Morrison comes in and gives Moore a neckbreaker which gets almost 2 on the 3 count-o-meter. Morrison grounds Moore with a knee to the face and works him over. The former Moore-on fights to his feet, kicks away Morrison and tags Yang. Yang unleashes his arsenal of jumps and kicks before monkeyflipping Morrison onto his face! Miz makes the save before 3. It's a clusterfuck, all 4 men are in the ring!
When it settles down Yang gives Morrison a knife-edge chop. Morrison goes for a rope assisted pin and Moore runs over to hit the ropes from the outside and break it up. Yang manages to hit a leg lariat and go for a cover, but Miz has the referee distracted so he can't make the count even though the crowd is making it for him. Morrison schoolboys Yang, probably with a handful of trunks, just as 'Dropkick' Mike Posey turns around to count 3. WINNERS OF THE FIRST FALL: M&M. Commercial!
Back to live action and Morrison has Yang in a chinlock in the middle of the ring. Tazz informs us that over 7 minutes have pased already so 1-0 may be enough of a lead for the champions to win. Yang finally escapes and goes up for a moonsault press but Morrison crotches him and pulls him down into a tree of woe. Miz adds extra pain by pounding on his knees when Morrison is arguing with the ref. Yang finally hits an elbow on Morrison and kicks Miz away and hits that moonsault press on Morrison for three! WINNERS OF THE SECOND FALL TO TIE 1 ALL: MOORE WANG~!
Miz has a single leg Boston crab on Yang and Moore is hopping around on the apron hoping for a tag. He can't get it though as Morrison gets tagged in and starts working over the leg of Yang on the ropes. Morrison again distracts the ref so Miz can do extra damage on the outside. Morrison keeps torqing the leg leg of Yang over and over again as Tazz says he's putting all the tension on the patella and ligaments. Thank you Gorilla Tazzoon! Miz smashes Yang's leg into the steel pole and the ring apron when he gets the tag then makes a cover for the two count. Moore stands there waiting for a tag like a beggar waiting for alms for the poor. Finally Moore wakes up and starts stomping his feet and slapping the turnbuckle and the crowd responds, but Yang is still in no man's land as the heels keep cutting off the ring. Miz tries to whip Morrison into the corner, Yang ducks, then hits Miz with a jawbreaker. He attempts a sunset flip that doesn't work but does make the hot tag and Moore lands a crossbody on Miz off the top rope!
As Tazz likes to say, Moore is cookin' with gas, including a flip dive to the outside on Miz. Yang follows up with an elevated crossbody off the top rope to the outside on Morrison. Moore throws Miz back in and follows behind him. Neckbreaker and a two count! I assume tie goes to the runner and champs retain if it ends in a tie. Moore hits a corkscrew moonsault on Miz and gets 2.999999! Moore stands up and tags Yang and there's about 40 seconds left to go. Double team attack, Yang goes for the cover, and Morrison puts Miz foot on the ropes. Yang kicks him in the face and gets another 2.9 cover. Moonsault press but Yang's out of time and goes for the cover just as the bell rings! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE SCORE IS TIED AT ONE THEREFORE STILL THE WWE TAG CHAMPIONS JOHN MORRISON & THE MIZ. Had a feeling that would happen. On the plus side this feud still has legs so they could do it again on PPV - perhaps even the Royal Rumble. Morrison & Miz walk away shaken AND stirred but still holding their titles triumphantly. Styles & Tazz promote Chavo's second chance match where he gets a shot at the ECW Title if he beats CM Punk for later tonight. The commercial break promotes Rey Mysterio v. Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship at said Rumble before we get a rundown of Sci-Fi's original programming and movies.
The Rambo replay of the week is Colin Delaney being squashed by the planet-sized ball of fat known as Big Daddy V. Just wait 'til we have to see this man's boob cheese in high definition. Back to live action and everybody's favorite pasty white jobber is in the ring with Tazz. He says we've watched him face Shelton Benjamin, and then Big Daddy V, and he tries to throw to a video package on the Smackdowntron twice - failing each time. Delaney has his ribs taped up and Tazz asks him what hurts. "It hurts - pretty much everywhere!" Tazz asks the crowd to give Delaney a round of applause just for coming out tonight, then says he has some good news - you don't have to face an ECW superstar tonight. Colin says thank you and starts to walk away, then Tazz says he forgot about the bad news! Three Six's music hits.
* Mark Henry v. Colin Delaney
Bad news for Delaney. Mark Henry headbutts him immediately, whips him into the ropes and tosses him so high in the air he probably felt the burn from re-entry. Hentry to the second rope for an Earthquake style butt press to the sternum (Tenta we miss you). Henry picks him up like a rag doll for the world's strongest slam and it's all over! WINNER: MIZZARK 'SEXUAL CHOCOLATE' HENRY. I'd really like to see Colin Delaney in the Royal Rumble, even if it was just for someone to eliminate him in spectacular fashion. The kid sells like a champ! We go to commercial with another promo package for Kofi Kingston - he's like Carlito except he helps out the people who are cool instead of spitting in the faces of those who aren't.
We're back with everybody's favorite Royal Rumble commercial. The part I like best is when Michael Buffer attempts to say "LET'S GET READY TO RUMMM..." and Shawn Michaels superkicks him before giving a shrug and a "what, me?" grin. Tazz claims he's been on a few subway rides like that before he and Styles look at WWE.com to find out who has qualified for the Rumble. Lena Yada comes out and says she's WWE's newest diva and she's here to help run tonight's diva danceoff! Kelly Kelly comes out first and it seems like her music has been remixed a little bit - it's got a harder bass beat now and sounds a little faster too. You know it just occured to me that ODB is what would happen to Kelly if she was twice as thick and muscular. Layla comes out next with a hand on her hip just to remind us how mad she is, then does leg splits in the ropes to remind us how hot she is.
* Kelly Kelly v. Layla (ECW Danceoff Contest)
Lena is either really nervous or really wooden because she pauses after every other word she says. Layla does her 30 second dance routine first and her song of choice is Timbaland's "Throw It On Me." Pretty good moves on the whole and Lena asks the crowd to show their approval for Layla. Kelly's up next and she uses the exact same song. Her dance routine consists of her going to the top rope and taking her top off to expose her ta-tas.
Honestly Layla's routine was much better but Kelly will win because of that boobtacular display. Lena says she forgot there's one more diva who is supposed to enter the contest... me! Okay, that makes up for her wooden delivery. In fact her dancing is kind of giving ME wood, but the crowd doesn't seem to have liked it that much. Lena announces the winner as... me! Both Kelly and Layla look at her like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH? She walks away with a satisfied grin on her face and for once Kelly and Layla have nothing to fight about because they both hate Lena more. CM Punk is walking backstage with the belt around his waist as we go to commercial.
We're back with Shelton Benjamin, the self-proclaimed gold standard of ECW. "I pulled out that first gold nugget, and that nugget says Royal Rumble match. And after my victory at the Royal Rumble, I can pull up the motherlode - a championship match GUARANTEED at WrestleMania. Ain't no stoppin' me now!" Next Chavo Guerrero's music hits so it must be time for our main event of the ECW evening!
* CM Punk {C} v. Chavo Guerrero (Chavo's Second Chance to Earn a Title Shot)
Plenty of Punk signs and Pepsi logos in the Wilkes-Barre crowd tonight. Not surprisingly a C-M PUNK chant breaks out immediately. Collar and elbow test of strength goes to the corner as the ref keeps a close eye on things. Punk gets the better of it and tosses Chavo away. Chavo gets up bouncing on his feet like a boxer then shoots in for a takedown. He tries to clamp onto Punk's head but Punk punches his way out and shoots Chavo off the ropes only to get knocked down hard. Chavo leaps over him and comes off the ropes but Punk played possum and hits him with a big monkeyflip. Now it's Punk in control with a leadlock on Chavo. Chavo counters and scissors Punk on the ground. Punk rolls his head back and forth to get out and kicks Chavo in the head for a two count. Chavo responds with uppercuts in the corner than slump Punk down. Hard scoop slam by Chavo followed up by kicks to the back. Punk regains his footing and hits an enzuguiri that sends Chavo tumbling to the floor outside as we go to commercial.
We're back and Chavo is giving Punk an ab stretch as the crowd tries to cheer Punk back into the match. During the break Chavo dropped him across the ropes and kicked him into the dashers to get the heat and give us the point of injury to work over. Chavo repeatedly kicks the grounded Punk in the guts and then chickenwings his arms behind his back, screaming at him over and over to GIVE UP!!!! Punk rolls through it and gets the shoulders down for two before Chavo kicks out and drills him with a clothesline. Gutbuster and a boot to the face before he goes for a cover on the inside cradle and gets 2. A come from behind babyface win by Punk would be really nice here but I've got this sneaking feeling that as he's about to pin Chavo someone will come out to interfere - Big Daddy V, John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, take your pick.
Chavo has Punk scissored again but Punk manages to stand up with Chavo's legs still around his body, kick him repeatedly, and then hurk up to catapult him over the ropes! Punk follows up with a topei con hilo and nearly wipes himself out on the entrance ramp in the process. Punk hits the springboard clothesline on Chavo after throwing him back in and covers for a near fall. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Punk gets 2. Punk tries to run across the ring for the step up knee but Chavo counters into a back bridge pin for two. Punk bridges out himself and then hits the step up knee followed by the bulldog. Cover for 2. Nevertheless two-thirds of the Go 2 Sleep finishing sequence have been set up, so it's time to cue up the music. Chavo gets what's probably his last flurry of offense by hitting two-thirds of the 3 Amigos, Punk counters out for a G2S but Chavo counters this into a backbreaker for 2.9998! Very loud C-M PUNK chant from the Wilkes-Barre crowd. Snapmare by Chavo and he goes over to the corner to untie a turnbuckle cover. The ref comes over and tells him to knock it off. While the ref goes to replace the cover Chavo runs out and gets the title belt, the ref catches him coming in with it, and calls for the bell. What the fuck! WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION: CM PUNK. After the match is already over Punk nails Chavo with the Go 2 Sleep for good measure. This makes no fucking sense. If Punk was going to get the win, why not give him the clean win, especially if he was going to hit the G2S anyway! Sometimes this show baffles me almost as much as TNA Impact. Well, that's all for this week!