I dvr'ed this and I'm doing an in-progress, taped-delayed recap (if that makes sense). In any event, hit F-5 to update as I go. By the way, just to warn you...I'm not going to do a complete, move-by-move recap, as I feel that this takes away from our Angrymarks Podcasts, which, by the way, you can catch EVERY FRIDAY ON ANGRYMARKSDOTCOM! Be sure to catch our host Stevie J, along with me, Killa Kev, and DJ Complejo every Friday on ANGRYMARKSDOTCOM!!!
Anyway, we open our show with a video package of Undertaker winning last year's Royal Rumble by eliminating Shawn Michaels following a botched attempt at Sweet Chin Music. We cut to the arena for tonight's show and....GONG!!! The Deadman comes sauntering out with his usual fanfare of graveyard music, smoke whisping around him, and his Deadman gear and blank eyeroll. The crowd is suitably impressed, and 'Taker commences with a rare full-length promo.
So rare, in fact, that he points out how seldom he does this in his first few words. He says he usually doesn't have much to say. "I don't talk about taking souls...I just do it!" HEY! He stole my slogan! He points out that in 9 days he's in at the Royal Rumble, which, by the way, he won last year. He's out here to issue a warning to the other 29 dudes who are getting in the ring with him. "If you stand before me, you will FALL before me." He also manages to work in his "you will REST...IN....PEACE..." catchphrase before Matt Striker comes out with his big tub of shit...ERRRRRRRRRRRRR....Big Daddy VisMable.
Striker rambles on about how invincible his moving mountain of pudding is and how Undertaker somehow lacks the wherewithall to put him over the ropes. Striker continues to put Viscera over as the next winner of the Rumble, which I guess means his other protege, Mark Henry is fucked. Anyway, Viscera oozes to the ring to pick a fight with 'Taker, and I swear to God when he threw V over the ring steps, those MASSIVE bitchtits actually knocked the steps off-kilter by themselves. Seriously. He could start his own line of bitchtit lingere and call it "Viscera's Secret." Except, there's no secret about his shit. He refuses to cover it in public.
Meanwhile, Michael Cole and Coach continue to struggle to find chemistry as an announce team. They are about as awkward a couple as....well, actually, Edge and Vickie, which they are actually talking about. We're also treated to a video package of Edge and Vickie and their nasty bullshit, along with involvement in this from Chavo and Rey Mysterio. Seems our Smackdown bookers have thrown the two year-old feud between Chavo and Rey into a gimmick blender with the Edge/Vickie thing. TWO shitty angles blended together makes for......one HUGE Viscera's Tits-Sized angle. With shit like this going on, no wonder Batista and Kane are about as useful as limp dicks on prom night right now. We get an announcement of a tag match between Rey/CM Punk and Edge/Chavo. You know...because Chavo's feuding with CM Punk on Smackdown while at the same time continuing a stale feud with Rey and getting involved with the Edge/Vickie angle on Smackdown. Goulash, anyone? Breaktime.
Back from break, and we are told Batista will take on Mark Henry tonight. Again. For the....fuck. I don't know. What does it matter? Anyway, keeping with our motif of useless bullshit so far tonight, out comes Great Khali. We get a recap of Khali v. Little Bastard on RAW this past Monday (yeah, AGAIN) with Finlay coming out to dispatch Khali to save Hornswaggle (yeah, AGAIN). Which, of course, leads us to.....
MATCH: GREAT KHALI w/SINGH V. FINLAY w/HORNSWAGGLE Hornswaggle sucker-punches Khali's manager and Finlay comes out to make sure he doesn't retaliate. Then we go to break. Seriously. The bell rang, Little Bastard kicked Singh, Finlay came out to stare at Singh, we go to break. Nothing like 5 seconds of action in a match before a break, all of which involves NOBODY ACTUALLY IN THE MATCH.
Back from break, and I suddenly realize this shit's on dvr and I'm sitting here watching commercials. SHIT! Anyway, we JIP and Khali is doing the only move he knows....he's kicking Finlay in the corner. Ooops. I stand corrected. He also knows how to throw an elbow. The crowd seems hot for Finlay, but since this is sound-edited due to pre-taping, who really knows? Finlay gets in some token opposition in this match, but never really mounts any serious offense. Hornswaggle gets involved when Singh tries to. The dual interferance never goes against either competitor, so we don't get a DQ. Instead, Khali finally gets his double-handed chokeslam and his Basketball Squeeze in for the win.
WINNER: GREAT KHALI
Backstage, we get more bullshit from Edge and Vickie. She thanks him for standing up for her last week and says he's a great father figure. Oh, and he's a hero. She starts to make out with him again before Teddy finally breaks his weeks-long silence and reminds them that he IS standing there. They go, "Oh, yeah. Go get us something to eat!" He leaves and they are about to start sucking face again before Chavo shows up. Edge gets ready for action before Chavo apologizes for condemning their relationship and tells Edge he's a good guy. Chavo asks if they can all become one big, happy family. Edge gives a shiteating grin and Vickie says she's been hoping for this. I'm drinking Malox by the fucking GALLON over here, people. Breaktime.
Back from break, and we're a LONG way into this show and only one match so far. Cole and Coach recap a guy who's not even fucking ON THIS SHOW....Jeff Hardy. We get a RAW REBOUND of Jeff and Orton going to a DQ in their IC title match Monday in about 3 seconds flat. Well, we're about to see Jeff's fucking SICK spot at the end of the show off the catwalk, so okay. I'll let this slide. DAMN.
Anyway, we're back to the ring and Deuce and Domino are out for their.....
MATCH: LAME-ASS GREASERS w/THEIR BIMBO ON SKATES V. MOORE WANG Coach continues to struggle with the concept of being a heel announcer to Cole's company yes-man. Moore exchanges basic spots with Deuce and scores a couple of cheap 2 counts. Yang comes in and we finally get our first decent action of the night. Domino's in next and Moore comes back with a couple of decent moves. Seriously...who CAN'T see the difference between these two teams? One's really good and the other really SUCKS. Like, about as bad as Coach on the announce team. Deuce comes back and scores a 2 count on Moore, who is playing face-in-peril. He and Domino cut off the ring and Yang is in the fridge on this one. We have two high-flying dudes in this match and yet it's dragging on and on because Deuce and Domino rely on a lot of rest holds and simply can't go with these dudes. This is about as mismatched a contest as Disco Inferno and....well, just about anybody. Moore finally gets a tag to Yang and we FINALLY get some decent moves out of this show. He does some wicked flying shit and nearly scores a pin with a Missile Dropkick, but the count is broken. Cherry tries to get involved, but Yang finally scores the win with a top rope moonsault.
WINNERS: MOORE WANG
Post-match, Moore tries to two-step with Yang.
Backstage, Vince shows up and gets in Finlay's face about letting Khali get his hands on Little Bastard. He reminds Finlay of what he said Monday night about Vince being a liar. Vince demands an apology and Finlay gives it to him. Vince asks what they should do about Finlay. He decides to book a Belfast Brawl between Finlay and Khali for next week on Smackdown.
We see Batista heading for the ring to face Mark Henry (again) as we go to break.
Back from break, and The Animal is out. As I watch him do his usual shit (which is still kinda cool, actually), I am pondering how fucking OLD the Smackdown set is. I mean, seriously. UPDATE YO' SHIT, guys. Anyway, as Batista flexes in the ring to the delight of all the girls (and maybe even a few dudes....) we get a video package of Batista beating John Cena in 2005 at the Royal Rumble to win the event. We are told "Somebody gonna get they ass kicked" as Mark Henry heads for the ring.
MATCH: BATISTA V. MARK HENRY (again) Cole and Coach make my point for me about their long history of wrestling each other as the bell rings. They circle each other and finally lock up. My digital signal twitches a little and for a second there I think I'm about to be spared this match. Eh. No such luck. Nearly two minutes into this match, we've had two lockups, a headlock, and a couple of knockdowns delivered by Mark Henry. This is starting to look like Goldberg/Lesnar. Batista finally wakes up after getting pimp-slapped. Batista whips his ass for a few minutes and then kicks him out of the ring. Mark comes back with a headbutt and some other shit outside the ring as the 10 counts keeps rolling on without stopping. They get back in the ring and I'm realizing that I said I wouldn't do move-by-move. DAMMIT! heh. Okay. Mark Henry dominates for a little while, Batista comes back for a while, and this match is all power moves and rest holds. Batista scores a spear for a 2 count, then another and the rope-shake. He tries a Demon Bomb but goes flying for his troubles. Henry tries to end it with a splash, but nobody's home. Spinebuster, and the match is finally over.
WINNER: BATISTA (again)
Post-match, Cole and his new girlfriend Coach remind us that while Batista wants his World Title back, Chavo is gunning for the COVETED, CHERISHED ECW Title. Yeah. 10 years ago, maybe. Now we're getting an ECW Rebound. Chavo finally won (on his third attempt) against CM Punk...via countout no less....thus earning himself an ECW Title shot next week on the show. We're reminded that Rey and CM Punk are taking on Edge and Chavo, and we're told that Ric Flair (WHOOOOO!) is up next in the VIP Lounge. Breaktime.
Back from break, and Flair is out to face MVP in the VIP Lounge. This goes on for a while, and actually starts kind of awkward. They trade compliments, the conversation breaks down into insults, then they trade catchphrases before it gets physical. Flair finally loses it and chops MVP over the couch and retreats up the ramp as we go to break.
Back from break, and Michelle McCool is out to face Layla. I'm not going to cover this match because I'm not entertained by these two wrestling, and you probably aren't either.
MATCH: MICHELLE MCCOOL V. LAYLA
WINNER: MICHELLE MCCOOL via inverted facebuster.
Back from break, and Jamie Noble is backstage to congratulate Michelle. She sees a bunch of roses sitting there and starts to thank Jamie for them before Chuck Palumbo walks up and tells her they're from HIM. He apologizes for losing his cool on her lately and she accepts. Jamie gets pissed and reminds her that HE'S been there for her all this time. Chuck and Jamie are about to throw down but Michelle gets between them and makes them agree to get along.
Cole and Coach run down the Royal Rumble card as it stands right now.
Rey is walking toward the ring and he's stopped by Vickie, who's STILL in a wheelchair. That must have been SOME Tombstone Piledriver Undertaker put on her....what was that? 2 months ago? JESUS. She wishes him the best of luck in his upcoming match, and we go to break.
Back from break, and....YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME. Our World Heavyweight Champion is out, and he actually looks like he washed his hair this week. Well, EARLIER in the week, but still.
TAG TEAM MATCH: EDGE (WHC*)/CHAVO V. CM PUNK (EC**)/REY MYSTERIO We start with Chavo and CM Punk. I take it this is going to be a typical face-in-peril match with a dirty finish of some sort. Well, the faces take control early. CM Punk seems to be a true fan of the business, as he clearly enjoys Rey's high-flying antics. Rey and Punk are teaming well, actually.
After break, I realize I called at least the first part of this match totally wrong. The faces have dominated throughout so far. Chavo pays for distracting Punk, but Edge takes advantage and NOW we flip to heel domination. Edge and Chavo take turns for quite a while cutting the ring off and working Punk over. Punk tries to fight back but Edge cuts that off quickly. Coach helpfully points out that "Edge always knows where his opponents is (sic)." Chavo and Edge continue to work Punk over, which is setting up for a hot tag to Rey...eventually. Edge and Punk trade missed finishers, and both men are down. Punk finally gets the hot tag just as Chavo comes in. As tired as I am of seeing these two wrestle each other, I'm awestruck by how well they move together in the ring. Do any two other wrestlers in HISTORY know each other as well as these two?
Rey finally 'ranas Chavo into the 619 and is JUST about to go up top for the West Coast Pop when Edge cracks him with a chair for the DQ.
WINNERS: REY MYSTERIO AND CM PUNK VIA DQ
Post-match Ryder and Hawkins come out to help Chavo and Edge gang up on Rey and Punk. Edge and Chavo have a field day with this and then man-hug all barechested and shit as we fade to black.
Be sure to check back next week for the last Smackdown Recap before Royal Rumble!!!