HHH is out in street clothes with his usual drinking problem....he spits, not swallows, you know.....and is properly introduced by Lillian. J.R. helpfully informs us that HHH is the winner of last night's Elimination Chamber, which makes him the #1 Contender to the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania. More spitting (not swallowing) on the apron, and HHH is in the ring for a promo. By the way, remember the old days when being in Anaheim or L.A. virtually guaranteed a pop-in visit from The Rock? I miss those days.
HHH tells us how happy he is tonight, especially considering how this time last year he was in a wheelchair watching Wrestlemania from backstage. He informs us that he beat 5 other guys in the Chamber last night, and The Game is BACK!!! He also informs us that at Wrestlemania, he will become a TWELVE time world champion! He is about to continue when we're interrupted by....well, no surprise here....Randy Orton! Remember...Orton took that belt off of HHH himself.
Orton, who I believe is just about the LEAST interesting champion we've had in years, is serenaded with boos and a rousing "YOU SUCK!" chant from the crowd. He tells HHH that they have come around full-circle. Last night it was John Cena, before that it was Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, and Shawn Michaels...and before that it was HHH he beat FOR the title. Yeah, I just said that, Rand-hole. He says that they've known each other a long time, and the only thing between them that has never changed is HHH's jealousy of him. He refers back to his being kicked out of Evolution after winning the World Heavyweight Championship 4 years ago, then tries to lump HHH in with all the rest he's faced while being champion. Orton's about to continue when HE'S interrupted by......THA CHAMP!!! I've already called my shot on Wrestlemania. I firmly believe we're heading for a Triple Threat match between Orton, HHH, and Cena, and John is now out to probably confirm my suspicions.
Cena says to "wait ONE COTTON PICKIN' SECOND!" He then says that Orton is the first WWE Champion to become both a LIAR AND A LOSER. He compares Orton to all the liars in football, baseball, and basketball, and assigns an asterisk to Orton, saying he's the first champion ever to LOSE his way to Wrestlemania. Cena points out that he beat Orton last night, albeit by disqualification, and demands a rematch between the two of them tonight, with the winner facing HHH at Wrestlemania. Orton tries to get some help from HHH on this, but HHH says he doesn't give a flying fuck WHO the champion is at Wrestlemania, because he's going to beat that man WHOEVER it is. Enter Commissioner Regal!!!
Regal says he's going to try to solve this dispute as fairly as possible. Okay, here it comes. HHH won the Elimination Chamber, and his spot at Wrestlemania is a lock. Orton intentionally got himself DQed last night, which reflects badly on both RAW *and* Regal, so he'll be facing Cena tonight in a non-title match, and if Cena wins, we will INDEED have our Triple Threat match. HHH protests, saying that he won his one-on-one shot fair and square, and this Triple Threat idea doesn't work for him. Regal says tonight's match is happening anyway, but that he's naming HHH the Special Guest Referee! Looks like HHH has a vested interest in making sure Cena does NOT win tonight, eh? Breaktime.
Back from break, and Jeff Hardy is out to new entrance music. I wasn't even sure it was him at first. This, ladies and germs, is our first Money In The Bank qualifier! Wonder who his jobber is in this match? Jeff waves to EndeaverafteR at ringside, the group who recorded his new entrance music. King puts over Subway, J.R. sends a shoutout to Twix, and then we're introduced to Snitsky.
MITB QUALIFIER: IC CHAMP JEFF HARDY V. SNITSKY J.R. explains what Money In The Bank is, which I'm sure we all know by now, and the bell rings. By the way, Hardy is my pick to eventually win the MITB match at Wrestlemania.
The match starts with Snitsky showing us what a badass he thinks he is, as he flings Hardy down to the mat. He then puts the boots to Jeff in the corner as the crowd chants "HARDY!" Jeff comes off the ropes with a dropkick to Gene's leg. Another dropkick, and Hardy swings off the ropes to the corner with ANOTHER dropkickk. Hardy is selling injuries from the EC last night. Snitksy crotches him on the top turnbuckle and gives him a boot to the face, which sends Jeff to the floor below. Breaktime.
Back from the break, and Hardy is in a bearhug in the center of the ring. J.R. replays the foot to his face from just before the break, and back in the ring Jeff is fighting his way out of the hug with elbows. Jeff comes off the ropes and Snitsky hits him with a shoulderblock for a 2 count. Snitsky stomps on him in the center of the ring. Elbow drop, and another 2 count for Gene. Snitsky with a rear chinlock through the ropes. He milks the count for 4, then breaks. He then locks it in again and milks the count to 3. Snitsky runs Jeff's back into the corner. Jeff just falls down. Snitsky with 3 elbow drops off the ropes, and another 2.9 count.
Snitsky rolls Jeff over on his stomach and drops another elbow. Boy, talk about creative moveset! Snitksy has Jeff down on the mat in a rear chinlock. He then switches to a front facelock. J.R. and King continue to put over Jeff being injured from last night's Elimination Chamber. Jeff comes up, but Snitsky scoop-slams him. Snitsky off the ropes with a legdrop and MISSES! Hardy comes up and hits a crossbody for a 2 count of his own. Snitsky whips Hardy toward the corner, but Jeff climbs the ropes and gets off a Whisper In The Wind, which he completely misses, but Snitsky actually covers him by falling backward anyway. 2 count.
Hardy goes for a Twist of Fate, but Snitsky throws him to the ropes. Jeff comes off and eats a Big Boot for another 2 count. Snitsky picks him up slowly and locks in an abdominal stretch. Snitsky picks him up for a scoop slam, but Jeff slides off behind him and hits Twist of Fate! Hardy with the Swanton Bomb and it's over!!!
WINNER AND MITB QUALIFIER: JEFF HARDY
We get a replay of the match's conclusion and a shot of some Triple Bs (Big Breasted Blondes) in the crowd as Jeff celebrates in the ring. King then gives us a text-hit question: Should Maria pose in Playboy or not? Text early and often! J.R. then puts over Floyd Mayweather, Jr. pounding on Big Show's face last night at No Way Out (which actually broke Show's nose for realz, y'all!), then announces that Pretty Boy Floyd will be live on RAW tonight! Breaktime.
Back from break, and HBK is out in HIS street clothes! J.R. calls Michaels a "young man," and I'm thinking that 42 isn't so young in this business. Anyway, he's out to introduce the first inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame for this year, and the crowd is already WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOING. Shawn calls him "the greatest wrestler of all time," and I agree. We cut to a video package, and he is INDEED The Nature Boy! After the package, J.R. says Flair deserves his own wing. Back to the ring, Michaels is clearly choked up. He asks the crowd to join him in a WHOOOOOO! They do, of course, and Shawn makes his way to the back.
J.R. puts over tonight's main event, Cena v. Orton (non-title) with HHH as the referee, and we go to break.
Back from break, and J.R. tells us that wwe.com will be hosting a "Top Ten Slammys Moments" segment this Saturday night.
Back to the ring, and we have Paul Birchill out with Katie Lea.
MATCH: PAUL BIRCHILL (w/Katie Lea) V SUPER CRAZY This looks to be a typical squash match. Super actually starts out fast, but fades quickly. Birchill catches him off the top ropes with a boot to the gut as the crowd starts a "FORMER PIRATE!" chant. *LOL* Birchill with an uppercut to Crazy, then a scoop-slam. Snapmare, then a seated abdominal stretch. Stomp on Super's gut, and Super tries to fight back. Birchill with a shoulderblock to Crazy's gut off the ropes. Birchill sends him off the ropes again, Super tries a 'Rana, but Birchill counters to a clothesline. Stomp to Super Crazy's back, which slams his face to the mat, and Birchill rolls him over for the pin.
WINNER: "FORMER-PIRATE-TURNED-SISTER-DIDDLER" PAUL BIRCHILL
Post-match they show a replay of Birchill's win, and I've just figured out what bothers me about Katie Lea (besides the insanely disgusting incest angle she's in). She looks (to me, anyway) a lot like Lita, only without the tattoos.
Backstage, Big Show makes his first appearance on RAW in....what? Two years? He's talking backstage with Shane-O-Mac as we go to break.
Back from break, and HHH is backstage on a cell phone. Orton rolls up on his conversation to try to convince him that a Triple Threat match doesn't benefit EITHER of them. Hunter hangs up the phone and pretends to consider the proposal. HHH asks if Orton is trying to play mind games with him. He reminds Orton that he learned these mind games from The Game himself, and that he will call the match the way HE sees it. He says that if the outcome favors ANYONE, it'll be HHH. Orton walks off and HHH stares menacingly after him.
We get a video recap of Mayweather fucking up Big Show's face last night at No Way Out, and then Big Show is out. Damn. He DOES look like he's in much better shape than the last time we saw him.
Show: "I was asked to come out here tonight to apologize for my actions at last night's No Way Out ppv..." He says he knew what he was doing. He might have been a little overwhelmed at his return, but that he thinks Mayweather went too far. He says he's out here now, though, to make his formal public apology. He then invites Mayweather to come to the ring in a MOST courteous manner, and I smell a swerve coming. Mayweather is out with his entourage, and even his heavy muscle is about HALF the size of Show. Oh, and Mayweather has a mic. Wonder how THIS is gonna be.
Mayweather: "Anaheim...WHAT'S UP?!" He's actually being booed pretty heavily here. He wants to start off by saying that he loves publicity. He's been a fan of the WWE for MANY years. "You Suck!" and "What?!" chants from the crowd. He says he's sorry things had to go down like they did last night, but he's the best fighter in the world and has to retaliate when called out like he was last night.
Show says he wasn't calling him out and he wasn't trying to get publicity. Uh, I'm already bored by this shit. Looks like the E is going to fuck up Show's re-entry booking just like they did Jericho's. Show says he wants to tell him man-to-man, face-to-face that he's sorry. Show then extends a hand. Mayweather shakes his hand and slowly, cautiously, retreats from the ring. He's halfway up the ramp before Show stops him.
Show says that he's done what he was told to do, and now he wants to get something off his chest. He says that the only way Floyd could hurt him was on his knees, but even then he was still bigger than him. He says he could take him out in 2 minutes. Show then challenges him to a one-on-one match. He says this is Floyd's chance to get some REAL publicity. Floyd takes off running for the ring. He and all his boys hit the ring, and Show is in boxing stance. Floyd inches his way forward with a mic in hand. He says, "I ACCEPT!!!" He then gets face-to....well, bellybutton with Show. He makes like he's going to punch Show, and Show flinches wildly. Floyd's music hits again and he makes for the back again as Show stands there and stares at him all pissed off-like as we go to break.
Back from break, and we've had a whopping TWO matches tonight. TWO. Wrestlemania is 41 days away, and J.R. and King banter at the announce table about the Mayweather/Big Show match that's coming up....uh....well, they never said. I'm assuming it's at Wrestlemania. Anyway, J.R. reminds us that Hardy won the first MITB qualifier, and that we're about to have another one. We then get another video package of what the Money In The Bank concept is all about. Back to the ring, and Kennedy is out to face.....Val Venis?! JESUS. At least let us pretend that Kennedy might lose this match by putting someone out there that COULD win. Venis is the modern-day version of S.D. Jones!
MITB QUALIFIER: KENNEDY (KENNEDY) V THE FORMER PORN STAR Okay, so I guess I should just resign myself to the idea that all of these "qualifiers" are going to be squash-jobs. Why even make these guys wrestle for a spot if they're going to face the Shit Squad in these matches?
Kennedy jumps on Venis from the start. Val runs into the turnbuckle shoulder-first, and Kennedy to a hammerlock. Venis eats the turnbuckle again. Kennedy back to the hammerlock on the mat. Val looks like he laid off the situps a few years ago, by the way. Val comes up with a fist to Kennedy's gut, but Kennedy clotheslines him and hits an armbar takedown for a 1 count. Kennedy with an armbar. J.R. just reminded me that Val had elbow surgery a while back, and that's why Kennedy is working the arm.
Val armdrags Kennedy to the mat, but Kennedy holds on and Val flies over him. Val comes up with a couple of rights and a swinging neckbreaker. Val comes up and puts Kennedy into a half-nelson. He tries to lift him for a slam, but Kennedy blocks the attempt and hits a back-elbow. Val with a kick to Ken's gut and a whip off the ropes. Val bends down for a body drop, but Kennedy kicks him in the face and hits the Mic Check for the win.
WINNER AND MITB QUALIFIER: KENNEDY (KENNEDY)
Post-match, Kennedy mimes like he's holding a briefcase over his head, then points to the Wrestlemania 24 sign. He has new theme music too, by the way.
We're shown the steel cage being lowered to the ring, and King says Vince and Hornswaggle are getting it on next. I bet Finlay's hiding under the ring. Breaktime.
Back from break, and Vince is out first for this match. The cage, by the way, does NOT have a top on it, so what makes Vince think nobody can get in?! Vince is posing on the top turnbuckle with his face just under the top of the cage. Little Bastard is out next for this abortion of a match. Well, there goes my prediction. Finlay comes out WITH Hornswaggle.
STEEL CAGE MATCH: VINCE MCMAHON V. LITTLE BASTARD Finlay actually comes into the ring before the match starts to try to talk some sense into Vince. Like anybody has EVER been successful at THAT. The ref tells Finlay to hit the bricks, and he backs toward the door. As Finlay is about to turn to leave the ring, JBL comes out of nowhere to put a beating on Finlay. JBL handcuffs him to the top rope for a beatdown. Finlay comes back up swinging, but he can't go anywhere. Cause, you know, he's handcuffed and all!
Vince repeats last week's pre-match prep by taking off his belt. He actually lashes Horny once as the crowd boos. Vince almost gets too close to Finlay, then turns around and lashes HIM with the belt. He then dances Hornswaggle around the ring with lashes from his belt. Vince then turns to leave the ring, and JBL walks over to Hornswaggle and begins choking him. JBL then throws Horny head-first into the steel cage while Finlay screams in agony. Finlay tells him to do this to him instead. JBL pauses for a second, then puts a boot to Hornswaggle's skull. Elbow drop from JBL on Horny.
JBL puts a boot to Finlay's skull next. JBL then picks Hornswaggle up for a slam, and throws him back over his head Samoan Drop-style into the steel cage. Even Vince looks horrified at this. Vince tells him to stop, that Hornswaggle has had enough.
NO CONTEST
Vince yells to the back for medical help. Vince tells Hornswaggle he's sorry for this as Finlay continues to scream at him. Vince then heads to the back with JBL as the crowd shits all over both of them.
Breaktime.
Back from break, and we get a video recap of the Midget Beatdown we just saw. Finlay carried him off after the break. J.R. says that this is one of the most disturbing things he's ever seen on RAW, and I'm thinking Mae Young's Baby Hand still takes the cake.
Santino and Maria are out next, and Maria is SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIN' hot tonight. We're about to get her answer to Santino on whether she chooses Playboy or him. By the way, 94% of the respondents to the text-hit think Maria should pose in Playboy.
Santino says he has GREAT news. We're going to get what we want, because Maria IS going to pose in Playboy Magazine! He also announces that she's going to face Bert Phoenix tonight!!! Maria was apparently not aware of this. Maybe Santino is trying to get Maria beat up so bad she CAN'T pose in Playboy! Anyway, Bert is out wearing pigtails, and she looks more like Hellga from American Gladiators than ever! Sure enough, Santino points out a clause in Maria's contract with Playboy that says she can only pose if she beats Bert tonight!
PLAYBOY POSE OPPORTUNITY (FOR MARIA) MATCH: MARIA V. BERT PHOENIX Maria is barefoot, but determined. Bert starts strong on her, powering her with rights and a drive to the corner. Boots to Maria's gut. Snapmare to the center of the ring. Bert picks her up again and pulls her hair between the ropes. 2 count. Santino has the "Sleazy Agent" look about him with the gold chain and shades. Bert with a Tornado Backbreaker on Maria.
Maria comes back with rights, but Bert catches her off the ropes for a powerslam. 2 count. Maria comes up bitchslapping, and Bert picks her up for another powerslam. Maria rolls off her back as CANDICE MICHELLE~! comes out to stare down Bert! Maria takes advantage of the distraction and rolls Bert up for the pin! Candice is looking DAMNED HOT by the way.
WINNER AND NEXT PLAYBOY COVER GIRL: MARIA
Post-match, Santino looks on in shock at what just happened. He then pretends to be all happy about this, but throws pissy side-glances at the crowd when she looks away. Maria and Candice celebrate at the top of the ramp and Maria holds up her Playboy Contract for the crowd to jizz over as we flash backstage.
HHH is putting on his referee's shirt (without sleeves, of course), and I'm guessing he's going to wind up squashing both Orton AND Cena before this night's over. Sledgie, anyone? Breaktime.
Back from break, and HHH is out first. Orton follows, and Cena is out last.
CO-#1 CONTENDER MATCH: JOHN CENA V WWE CHAMPION RANDY ORTON w/HHH as Special Guest Referee HHH acts all authoritative and shit, like he's REALLY going to play this straight. Right. Anyway, Cena and Orton lock up, and Cena backs him to the corner. Cena whips him to the opposite corner, Orton comes over top and behind, then hits rights on Cena. Orton beats Cena down in the corner. More rights. HHH is letting the fists go. Come on, ref!
Cena comes back with rights of his own. Cena off the ropes and right into a dropkick by Orton. Orton strikes his trademark pose, then comes off the ropes and knocks Cena off the apron and onto the floor below. J.R. informs us that Cena's head bounced right off the announce table. HHH admonishes Orton in the ring and starts his 10 count as we go to break.
Back from break, and Orton is giving Cena rights in the corner. Whip to the opposite corner, and Orton charges right into a pair of boots....or in Cena's case, Reeboks. Cena with a scoop-slam and elbow drop off the rope. 2 count. HHH is still playing like he's gonna do this right. Cena whips Orton to the ropes and swings, but Orton grabs the rope and rolls out to the floor for a timeout. Cena ain't havin' that shit though! He follows out and slams Orton's head off the announce table. Cena rolls him back in, but Orton comes up and catches him coming back in with a kick to the gut. Orton drags him back in, catching Cena's feet on the middle rope, and hits a DDT. 2.9 count follows.
Orton comes up and hits Cena in the back. A few guys in the audience close to the ring are doing the obligatory "Hate Cena" bit, chanting "RKO!" Cena comes up and hits a right hand on Orton. Then a left, then a right. Cena goes for the whip to the ropes, but Orton reverses it and catches Cena off the ropes with a powerslam for a 2 count. Orton comes up and starts the Garvin Stomp. Orton adds insult to injury, paintbrush-slapping Cena in the face. Orton with a knee-drop on Cena's head. Another 2 count, and I'm just wondering when HHH is going to blow his top and fuck both of these guys up.
Orton goes into rest-mode with a rear chinlock on Cena in the middle of the ring. Cena comes up and hits a back suplex to break the hold. Cheers from 60% of the crowd, boos from the guys in the first 3 rows. Cena charges Orton in the corner, but Orton hits a drop toehold and Cena slams into the turnbuckle. 2 count. Orton up and hits Cena with an uppercut and a right in the corner. Orton with more rights. Orton marches Cena to the lateral corner for a headslam on the turnbuckle. More rights by Orton. Kick to Cena's gut, and Cena comes back firing a right of his own. Cena with a series of lefts and rights, then goes into Superman mode. Shoulder blocks and a Protobomb. YOU CAN'T SEE ME~! Cena hits the 5-Knuckle Shuffle, then pucks up Orton for the FU. Orton grabs the top rope for leverage, comes out on the apron, and hotshots Cena's neck off the top rope. Orton charges Cena, who's standing on the opposite apron, but Cena grabs the top rope and lowbridges Orton to the floor.
Cena follows him out, but Orton comes up firing right hands. Orton whips Cena into the Steel Steps while HHH counts. Orton rolls Cena into the ring, glares at HHH, then gets down on all fours to pose for the RKO. Cena comes up slowly, turns around, and pushes Orton to the ropes. Orton comes off, Cena hits a drop toehold, then locks in the STFU in the middle of the ring. Orton fights to get to the ropes while HHH checks him for a submission. Orton finally gets to the bottom rope, and HHH starts a 5 count on Cena. Cena breaks at 4. Cena comes up and he and HHH square off. As Cena and HHH get nose-to-nose, Orton charges Cena to try a cheap shot. Cena catches him instead and hoists him up for the FU. Cena hits the FU and scores the clean pin!
WINNER AND NEW CO-#1 CONTENDER FOR THE WWE TITLE: JOHN CENA
Cena comes up and turns to celebrate with the crowd, and walks right into a Pedigree by HHH. THERE'S the expected beatdown! HHH takes the WWE Title from...whoever handed it to him outside the ring, and stares at it over Orton's body. Orton comes up slowly, and HHH drops the belt. Looks like Orton's about to get HIS medicine from HHH now. Yep! Pedigree for him, too. HHH strips off his ref shirt, grabs the belt, and poses down with it. The crowd actually LOVES this! HHH continues to pose with the belt as we fade to black.
Be sure to check back next week for another edition of Tha Sneaka Pimp's RAW Recap as we continue to build toward Wrestlemania 24!!!
Stay tuned to ANGRYMARKSDOTCOM all week for news updates, commentary, show recaps, and our weekly Angry Marks Podcast this Friday!!!