03/10/08: Tha Sneaka Pimp's THREE HOUR RAW Recap!!!

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For three hours, folks...LIVE....FROM.......MILWAUKEE, WI.......RAW.....IS......WHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Flair comes out stylin' and profiling as the crowd WHOOOOOOOOS him to the ring.

Flair: "Last week Shawn Michaels looked me in the eye and said he did not want to face me at Wrestlemania! He said he did not want to be the one to end my career!" Flair runs down the conversation from last week with HBK, which basically consisted of Shawn telling Ric he would end his career if they faced off. Flair calls HBK out, and he obliges. Ever notice how bow-legged HBK is, by the way?

Flair tells Michaels that the word "sympathy" has never existed in his vocabulary through 35 years of wrestling. He says that he felt the respect from Michaels last week, but he also felt a little sympathy. He says that he wants to compete against the best, which is why he wants Michaels at Wrestlemania. He says he wants respect because he's EARNED it, not respect or pity. Flair says that he knows he could lose to Michaels, but on a real good day he's still capable of bringing it. He demands 100% commitment from Michaels in this match.

Michaels: "I didn't mean to show pity." He goes on to say that he is Mr. Wrestlemania, then runs down his resume at the event. He says that if he has to beat the man to be the man, he'll be the man at Wrestlemania. He says that whether Flair's show stops or it goes on, between them, the show will get STOLEN on that night. They shake hands and agree to do it.

Michaels is about to leave, but he stops. He says that he hears Flair is in a 3-on-1 steel cage match on Smackdown on Friday against Edge and his two dumbasses (my words, not his). He says he'll be there to make it at least "three on...well, both of us!" Sweet! Michaels is going to Smackdown!!!

Randall K. Orton has something to say about this. He's out with a mic. "What a touching, TOUCHING moment!" The crowd shits all over him. He says that it's not only Wrestlemania Rewind tonight, it's also his turn to GM the show for a night. He announces that HHH will be facing Kane tonight (AWESOME!), and second? He turns his attention to Shawn. He says HBK didn't win at Wrestlemania last year, but he'll get a chance to avenge that loss, because he's facing John Cena tonight!!! Okay...this show is setting up in QUITE the kickass fashion!

We get a vid recap of a previous casket match at Wrestlemania between Undertaker and Mark Henry, that rematch is next, and we go to break!

Back from break, and I'm about 10 minutes behind on the dvr, so I get to fast-forward through Undertaker's unnecessarily long-ass intro. Sorry, I'm just over him at this point. Mark Henry is out next, and his music promises (as always) that SOMEBODY GONNA GET THEY ASS KICKED! Well, it's a casket match with the Undertaker, so my money's on YOUR ass getting kicked, Mr. Henry!

CASKET MATCH: UNDERTAKER V. MARK HENRY
Undertaker, predictably, looks NOT the least bit impressed with "The World's Strongest Man." He starts off fast on Henry, striking at will. Henry whips him the corner and eats a foot from Taker. Taker with a running lariat on Henry. He signals for the refs to open the casket. Henry fights him off at the ropes, though. Undertaker strikes him out, armbars him, and walks the ropes. He comes off for the arm shot, but Henry catches him into a bearhug instead. Crowd chanting "TAKER! TAKER!"

UT fights off with elbows to Henry's skull. Henry comes back with a clothesline, sending Taker over the ropes. Taker lands on his feet and drags Henry out. Taker tries shenanigans outside the ring, but Henry reverse-whips him to the crowd barricade. Henry rolls in to break the ref's count, apparently forgetting that this is a FUCKING CASKET MATCH AND THERE ARE NO COUNTOUTS. He rolls out and approaches Taker, who's still lying on the floor.

Henry tries to lawndart Taker into the ringpost, but Taker rolls off his back and shoves him into it first. Now Taker is rolling in to break the count. Uh...I'm pretty sure the refs are outside the ring with the casket. Taker slams Henry's head into the closed casket, then rolls him back in the ring. Henry comes back with a powerslam and a splash off the ropes. Henry signals for the casket to open. Taker locks him in the gogoplata, and Henry is tapping furiously, but there's no ref to break the hold. J.R. TOTALLY backs me up by reminding all of us that the ONLY way the match can end is with one man in the casket and the door closed. Okay, so why are we rolling in to break counts?! Anyway.

Henry is lying on the mat right in front of where the casket is sitting just outside the ring. Taker runs at him and kicks him in the head. He keeps kicking him until he rolls out of the ring and into the casket. Undertaker then slams the lid shut, and we have our winner. Okay...this match was COMPLETELY anti-climactic. I mean, this was not very exciting at all.

WINNER: UNDERTAKER

Post-match, we get a video of Carlito trying to woo Maria away from Santino Marella. He gets attacked by a sea gull, then proceeds to beat the living bejesus out of it, MUCH to the delight of PETA and the ASPCA, I'm sure. That job finished, he turns back to Maria, his shirt all ripped and feathers in his hair, and tries to throw the mack again. He's trying his damndest to come off all sexy to her right when another bird shits all over him from above. *lol* Breaktime.

Back from break, and we get a video package on Big Show v Mayweather at Wrestlemania. Backstage, Trips is pissed about something. Oh, yeah. He never got his rematch with Orton after suffering a bitter end to his 20-minute WWE title run last year. Anyway, he goes on to say that he finally gets the opportunity to take back what is his. Yeah, Trips. We know. You own that belt...everyone else is just borrowing it. Anyway, he says to Orton and Cena, "GAME ON!" Breaktime.

Back from break, and Kennedy is out next. His new music, in the words of The Great One, ABSOLUTELY SUCKS. Finlay is out next, and he's back to his old music, which is a GOOD thing.

MATCH: KENNEDY V FINLAY
Before we even get started, Bradshaw shows up on the TitanTron. He says that Finlay wants a Belfast Brawl with him at Wrestlemania, and he thinks that's terrific. He says that not only will he beat Finlay at his own game, he'll put him in the hospital "right next to that pathetic little mutant son of yours!" Ref rings the bell.

Finlay decides he's not up for a match tonight, so he commences to wailing the living dogshit out of Kennedy with his she-LAY-lee instead. Ref rings the bell for the DQ.

WINNER: KENNEDY via DQ

Finlay's not done, either. He follows Kennedy out to the floor for a little Chuck Palumbo time. This beating goes on for a LONG time. Refs are trying to pull him off, and finally three of them succeed. Well, maybe not. Kennedy is almost to the ramp with help from the officials when Finlay decides he wants some more. He finishes him off finally with a shot to the head. Kennedy is left laying in a puddle of his own blood and piss as we go to break.

Back from break, and we get a video package on WWE partnering with Make A Wish. Cena and Jeff Hardy are shown prominently. Cena is honored by MAW for granting his 100th wish to a sick kid. Good for you, John. I hope the haters in the crowd choke for trying to shit on you.

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: JEFF HARDY (C) V. CHRIS JERICHO
*GOD* I hope Hardy drops the belt here. That shit is only holding him back. J.R. and King run down the IC belt history as the ref rings the bell. Okay..we're getting the intense staredown now as the crowd chants for Hardy.

They lockup and roll around on the ropes, then break. Bitchslap from Jericho, now one from Hardy! They brawl around, and Jericho rolls out. He comes back in with a Thesz press and rights on Hardy. Hardy comes up and takes Flair chops. Jericho tries a dropkick and winds up eating a sitdown ballbuster for 2. Jericho comes back and clotheslines him over the ropes and to the floor. Breaktime.

Back from break, and Jericho is still in control. Chops in the corner, whip to the other corner. Jericho takes a run at Hardy, but Jeff moves out of the way and Jericho flies right over the ringpost and onto the floor. Hardy with a baseball slide on Jericho to the floor. He follows out and eats the announce table courtesy of Y2J. The crowd, who started hot for Hardy, is now chanting "Y2J!" Jericho rolls Jeff back into the ring and hits a springboard splash over the top rope for 2.

Jericho stretches Hardy out backwards over his knee. Hardy rakes the eyes to break free. Jericho back with a knee to the head. Now he's nudging Hardy's head with the toe of a boot. Jericho stretches Hardy out over the middle rope. He breaks at 3. Jericho acts like he's going for a 619 or something, but Hardy comes up with a clothesline. Both men come up at the count of 4 and Hardy powers Jericho around the ring. Jericho tries a bulldog, but Hardy ducks and comes off the top with Whisper In The Wind. 2 count.

Jericho with a Northern Lights suplex for 2. Hardy bridges up to a backslide for a 2 count of his own. Hardy with an inverted enziguiri, then comes off the top for a splash, but Jericho rolls out to the floor. This match is GOOD. Jericho's up top now! Jericho with a crossbody of the top, but Hardy floats over for a pin attempt! 2.9!!! Hardy tries Twist of Fate, but Jericho dodges it and hits a Lionsault for 2.9!!! Jericho is frustrated now, and the crowd is getting hotter and hotter for him! Hardy tries a suplex, but Jericho blocks and tries to turn him into a Liontamer! Hardy grabs his neck and rolls him into a tight package for 2.9999999999! Jericho tries a running enziguiri, misses, and Hardy hits Twist of Fate! Instead of going for the pin, though, he goes up for a Swanton, and MISSES! Should have pinned him, Jeff! Jericho comes off the ropes and hits the Codebreaker! JERICHO WINS!

WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: CHRIS JERICHO

We go to the back, and, uh....I don't believe this. IRON SHEIK AND NICOLAI VOLKOV ARE HEADING FOR THE RING!!! Wait, it gets better. THEY'RE IN WRESTLING GEAR!!! Breaktime.

Back from break, and true to tradition, Lillian asks us all to stand for the singing of the Soviet national anthem. *LOL* Sheik goes off on one of his typical rants about how RUSSIA NUMBAH ONE IRAQ NUMBAH ONE AMERICA....ACK PTOOEY! We're joined next in the ring by...HOLY SHIT. BARRY WINDHAM AND MIKE ROTUNDO!!! They're waving the Stars and Bars. This match is interrupted before it even starts by...Jillian Hall?!

I get the feeling she's about to sing, which I don't want to hear, but GODDAMN she's hot in the blue dress. Anyway, she begins singing (very badly, mind you) "Born In The USA," which earns her an airplane spin from Rotundo for her troubles. She stumbles around the ring, collapses, then rolls out. Apparently we're not actually getting that match afterall.

Mike Adamle is in the back for another HOF announcement. We already have Ric Flair, Peter Maivia, Rocky Johnson, Mae Young, and now...Jack and Jerry Briscoe. Breaktime.

Back from break, and Kane is backstage just stewing in his psychosis. Orton approaches him and says that they both hate HHH passionately. Orton points out that HHH has made Kane his bi....Kane grabs him by the throat, chokes the living shit out of him, and says he doesn't need a HHH history lesson. He remembers EVERYTHING.
He leaves Orton gasping for air and clutching his throat as we go to break. I guess Vince has a lot of bills to pay, what with that $25 million check he's supposedly written to Mayweather.

Back from break, and Triple HAITCH is out...probably to squash Kane, and how fucking absurd is THAT?! Anyway, he's in a World Title match at Wrestlemania and Kane isn't (which is bullshit), so what else SHOULD we expect?

MATCH: HHH V KANE
J.R. points out that HHH is obsessed with the title, and as a colleague of mine pointed out, this is something of a shoot if ever I heard one. He's going to lose, but it's good to see Kane back on RAW.

Kane goes to the brawling early. He's no HHH fan, apparently. The good news in all of this is that Kane gets to look strong early before eating the loss. He powers HHH around early, even slamming his head off the announce table. Of course, HHH comes back with a whip off the ringpost on Kane. Oh, and elbows on Kane's neck on the apron.

Kane comes back with a big boot off the reverse whip to the ropes. Scoop slam, 2 count. I can't believe Headbooker Hunter Helmsley is letting him look decent in this match! Okay. Here we go. Spinebuster by HHH. HHH powers him around some, then tries a Pedigree. Kane throws him over to avoid the move. Kane signals a Chokeslam, but Orton is at the top of the ramp. Kane and HHH are both distracted by his presence. Kane finally drops HHH and goes up for a flying clothesline. HHH meets him coming off the rope with a foot to the gut and a Pedigree for the win. Kane fucked up the spot, though, taking most of the Pedigree with his knees.

WINNER: HHH

He and Orton stare each other down as we go to break.

Back from break, and Cena is backstage for a vignette on his thoughts about Wrestlemania. He says that he wasn't supposed to be back in action until October, but in January he took a chance. He risked his health and career for a chance to be at Wrestlemania. He says people told him he should be angry at Orton for the torn pec, but he thanks Orton because he was losing his hunger when that happened, and he's hungrier now than ever. He says that at Wrestlemania, rest assured, his time will come again. Intense stare as we fade back to the ring.

Melina is out with Bert Phoenix. She says she was really looking forward to beating Ashley AGAIN tonight, but she's injured and didn't show. She says she's a typical Playboy girl, pretty on the outside, empty on the inside. She says that instead of THAT match, she's going to show us she's more than a pretty face by taking on our newest Playboy model, Maria.

MATCH: MELINA (w/Bert Phoenix) V MARIA (w/Candice Michelle)
Candice, by the way, is looking rather wooden. How much fucking collagen has she put in her face?!

Melina starts the match stiff on Maria (no pun intended), but Maria comes back with all three of the moves she knows. This match is horrible already. Anyway, while Maria has her foot to Melina's throat in the corner, Santino comes out with his copy of Playboy featuring Maria. Santino comes up on the apron and starts ripping apart his copy of Playboy, and Melina takes advantage of the distraction to hit her finisher for the win.

WINNER: MELINA

Post-match, Santino comes in the ring and continues to shred his magazine. Candice comes in to confront him, and Burt Phoenix wipes her out. Santino holds up Melina's and Burt's hands, then retreats up the ramp with them as we go to break.

Back from break, and Shane-O-Mac is out in a PIMP suit. He does a short version of his dance, then hits the ring for the official weigh-in between Big Show and Mayweather.

Shane: "On behalf of World Wrestling Entertainment..." He goes on to do the official intro for the weigh-in. He brings out Big Show first, putting him over as the only man to win the World Heavyweight Championship (no mention of WCW, though), WWE Championship, and the ECW Title. Mayweather is out next, along with about 10 members of his entourage. One of them is pretty damned buff, but Big Show still shits bigger than him.

Everyone on staff here at ANGRYMARKSDOTCOM has their pet cause. Mine is Kane and his lack of championship runs. Stevie J's just happens to be Mayweather's continuous face booking when he's clearly a natural heel. Let's see if WWE finally scratches Stevie's itch and acknowledges "Money" as a heel tonight. He's sure getting shit on mightily by the crowd, I'll tell ya that.

Mayweather steps up on the scale, and he is officially weighed in at 159 lbs. I think Show ate a sandwich that big before airtime. Show is up next, and he weighs in at a svelte 441.4 lbs. Show then brings out a posse of his own. *LOL* Carlito, Viscera, Bob Holly, Cody Rhodes, Cade and Murdoch, Shelton Benjamin, Elijah Burke, Tommy Dreamer, Chuck Palumbo, and basically everyone else in the back who didn't get booked in a match tonight from ALL three shows comes out. Mayweather is shitting himself with hysterics while Show just laughs his ass off at him.

Show runs down Mayweather's options for him as they pertain to his lack of respect for Show leading up to Wrestlemania. Option 1: Respect me, I embarrass you, you get to live. Option 2: Disrespect me, I KILL you, you never box again. Mayweather responds with a bunch of shit about how he respects Show's accomplishments, but not him as a human being. The crowd is totally shitting on him with "WHAT?!" chants. Stone Cold will live FOREVER with that shit.

Anyway, Mayweather reminds Show that he broke his nose at No Way Out. He says he'll break Show's JAW at Wrestlemania. He turns to leave. His posse hits the bricks, but he lingers a little too long and Show charges him. He picks Mayweather up and lawndarts him into the WWE posse standing around the ring. All hell breaks loose after this. The posses start brawling, and Shane McMahon gets knocked down on the ramp in the melee. They are still pushing and shoving as we go to break.

MATCH; World Heavyweight Champion EDGE (w/Edgeheads) V CM PUNK
I had this match typed out move-for-move, but something happened to the editing software and I lost it. I'm not rewinding to do it again, so suffice it to say that Edge and Punk went back and forth the whole match, and Edge finally won with a spear when Ryder and Hawkins came up on the apron to distract Punk from hitting the GTS.

WINNER: EDGE

Back from break, and William Regal is out to address the crowd. Uh, I thought Orton was the GM tonight. He's out to sell Umaga's part in the RAW V SMACKDOWN match at Wrestlemania. His opponent will be Batista, by the way. Anyway, YOU-MANG-A is out next. Regal sells Umaga as an impossible task for Big Dave. He doesn't get very far before he's interrupted by The Animal himself!!! It is AWESOME to see Batista back on RAW!!!

Batista hits the ring in a wifebeater and shades. No mic, by the way. He walks up to Umaga slowly, looks him up and down, and slowly removes the shades. It's on now! Both men are throwing down with wreckless abandon. Just when Batista is about to get the upperhand, Umaga hits an uppercut and floors The Animal. Headbutt from Umaga, who then backs up to charge in. Batista catches him on the run and hits a MONSTER spinebuster! Umaga rolls out to the floor and Batista rips off the shirt and shakes the SHIT out of the ropes. The crowd is pissing all over themselves at this. Umaga plays like he wants back in the ring as we go to break.

Back from break, and Vince is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Oh, and Floyd Mayweather's "elbow injury" is getting some airtime now. The crowd is actually cheering him for the first time in weeks...but only because he's hurt.

MAIN EVENT: "HEARTBREAK KID" SHAWN MICHAELS V JOHN CENA
These are the same two who wrestled for nearly an hour back in April of last year, and wrestled for the WWE title at Wrestlemania last year as well. They ALWAYS put on good matches, but this time they only have about 10-15 minutes, depending on the level of HHH/Orton interference we can expect at the end.

Chain wrestling to start out. Apparently they're picking up right where they left off in April. Cena displays his superior strength by throwing Michaels off of a front face lock. Michaels comes back to a drop toehold, and right back to the facelock. Okay...too much restholding by HBK. Michaels sends Cena off the ropes and tries to lock in a Sharpshooter. Cena with a NICE reverse though, and nearly gets the STF in before Michaels gets the ropes. Breaktime.

Back from break, and Cena has taken control with an armbar. Michaels tries to power out, but Cena holds firm. The crowd isn't really shitting on him right now. Michaels comes off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Michaels with a stomp on Cena's face. Cena and Michaels trade rights. Cena with shoulder blocks on Michaels. Cena tries it one too many times, though, and winds up flying over the top rope. He's down outside the ring, HBK is down inside it.

HBK finally comes back out and rolls Cena back in. HBK with a Flair Chopblock on Cena. He's working over Cena's left leg, presumably to soften him up for that inverted Figure Four. Michaels with a seated ankle lock on Cena. Atomic drop, then Michaels tries the Figure Four. Cena rolls him into a pin attempt for 2. Cena tries for the FU, but he's selling his leg injury well right now and can't hold him up. Michaels with another chopblock.

Michaels tries to lock in the Figure Four again, but Cena pushes off with his good leg and HBK flies to the top turnbuckle and gets hung. Cena with clotheslines and a Protobomb. NOW the crowd is booing him. YOU CAN'T SEE ME, Cena hops on one leg for the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Having hit that, he tries for another FU. Michaels rolls off and tries to roll Cena up for a pin, but Cena reverses the rollup by sitting on his face for a 2 count, the HBK rolls him over for a 2 count of his own.

Both men are up now and Michaels hits a back suplex. Standing 10 count. Both men up. Cena whips HBK to the corner, and he teases flying over the top turnbuckle, then lands back on his feet and hits a clothesline on Cena. Both men down again. Both men up, and Michaels hits knifehand chops (WHOOOOOOOO!). Michaels off the ropes and hits a forearm. He kips up and hits an atomic drop. body slam, another atomic drop, another scoop slam. Michaels goes up top for the elbow! He comes off the rope and hits it! Time to TUNE UP THE BAND!!! ONE....TWO....THREE....FOUR...Cena comes around and ducks the Sweet Chin Music! Drop toe hold, and Cena is going for the STFU! HBK rolls over and tries to kick him off. Now Shawn has locked in the Figure Four! Cena's face is in agony! He's trying to make the ropes. He drags HBK over and finally gets the bottom rope. HBK breaks the hold, but the damage is done. Cena's really selling this shit well.

HBK comes off the ropes with a baseball slide. Cena bounces out to the floor, then HBK comes off the apron with a springboard back suicide dive! They come up with right hands, then HBK runs Cena into the ring post. Before we even know what's going on, Michaels goes flying into the ringpost too, and the camera pans to Randy Orton.

NO CONTEST

He sets up a chair in the ring, grabs Cena, and goes for an RKO across it, but Cena puts on the breaks and slams Orton across the chair instead!!! Cena grabs Orton and hits the FU!!! His music hits, and Cena celebrates (STILL selling the knee injury, by the way) as we go to the back.

HHH says the last couple of weeks have been VERY entertaining, what with Cena GMing last week and Orton taking a turn THIS week. However, next week is HIS turn, and he has a WONDERFUL idea! Cena and Orton are going to team TOGETHER next week. Just as I'm thinking this is the same old shit we've come to expect from pre-ppv booking, HHH drops a bombshell on us. Cena and Orton's opponents? Well, how about the ENTIRE Raw roster?! *LOL*

We cut back to the ring to see Cena flashing the Word Life hand signal as we fade to black.