03/17/08: Tha Sneaka Pimp's RAW Recap

{Nikes}

I'm drugged up on sleep medication, so you're getting the basics tonight. If I stay coherent, that is. Hit F-5 to refresh often!

LIVE.......FROM THA CAJUNDOME.......RAW........IS........Y2J!!!

Jericho is in a PIMP suit and open collar and he announces that we are getting an episode of "The Highlight Reel." He tells us that he is the IC champion for the 8th time. This promo is vintage Jericho. Anyway, he finally cuts to the chase and brings out Big Show. This should be interesting. Show's music is quite swank, by the way.

Anyway, Jericho introduces us to a clip of Show tossing Floyd Mayweather over the top rope and inciting a posse-on-posse brawl last week. Shane-O-Mac got the worst of this encounter. Show says that Jericho wouldn't stand a chance in the ring with him, so how does a smaller Mayweather hope to make a dent? This is setting up a feud between Show and Jericho nicely, by the way. The crowd is chanting "Y2J!"

Jericho takes exception to this and points out that he is not Mayweather, then runs down the fact that he beat The Rock and Stone Cold on the same night once to capture the Undisputed Championship. They wind up nose to....well, chin as Show challenges Jericho to an IC title match tonight. Show gets off a Justin Timberlake blast and makes fun of Y2J's singing career. Jericho says he thinks it's funny...just as funny as Show hosting Saturday Night Live 8 years ago and bombing ever since. He then accepts the match, calling Show "Junior." NIIIIIICE. *This* is a feud I could get with.

Backstage, Vince is revelling in the fact that he now has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He brags on himself for a few minutes, then says he will face Flair tonight so that he can personally end his career.

Back from break, and CM Punk is out?! WTF?! Carlito is out next, and at least ONE of the wrestlers actually belongs on RAW. Oh, wait. I get it. The entire RAW roster will be in the main event tonight, so they needed other people to fill the hour and three quarters of this show before we get to that.

MATCH: CM PUNK V CARLITO
This match went back and forth for a while. It was actually a good one (despite Carlito's presence). He *did* have one nice spot, dropkicking Punk as he flew off the top turnbuckle. CM Punk finally hit GTS for the win.

WINNER: CM PUNK

Gotta love Vince pulling a guy onto Raw and using him to bury a guy who is actually on the Raw roster. Fucked up, if you ask me.

After this match, we get a video greeting from Snizzzzoop. He says that Maria made a mistake posing for Playboy, and that she should have stayed loyal to her boyfriend instead of "showing her boobies." Just when I'm thinking Snoop has really gone soft, he stops himself and asks why the hell he's saying this stuff. Apparently it was a cue card stunt!!! Sure enough, Santino comes from behind the camera and calls him "Meeester Snoopy The Dog." *LOL* He tells Snoop to stick to the cue cards, but Snoop stands up, tells him he's prowd of the Playboy divas, and that he has other places to be....like Wrestlemania! FUCK Mayweather. SNOOP being at WM is worth my money alone.

Back from break, and Cena, Vince, Mayweather, Show, Jericho, and HHH will be on Larry King Live this Wednesday.

Regal is out next. London and Kendrick are in the ring, and Regal announces that Batista's opponent in the Brand Supremacy Match at WM will be facing them tonight....you-MAIN-ga!!! Aaaaaaand...the further burial of L and K continues.

HANDICAP MATCH: you-MAIN-ga V LONDON AND KENDRICK
TOTAL squash. Umaga got in a sweet double Samoan Drop on both men at once. He just stacked them on his shoulders. He ran through his other tricks too, giving London a Running Ass Bomb AND a Samoan Spike.

WINNER: UMAGA

HHH and Regal are backstage. Regal says that he thinks Orton will bail on Cena (or vice-versa) tonight in their 2-on-EVERYONE match. HHH says he's already taken care of that. If Cena bails on Orton, he's out of the Wrestlemania match. If Orton bails, then he is stripped of the title and he'll just fight Cena for it at Wrestlemania. Regal asks why he doesn't just strip Orton now. HHH says he's had titles just handed to him before, and there's no satisfaction in that. He wants to EARN it. *NICE* segment.

Back from break, and we get a video recap of HHH's injury last year and subsequent journey back for this year's Wrestlemania. THEN we get a video recap of Vince getting his star on the Walk Of Fame. Backstage, HBK is watching this on the tube. Flair shows up in robe and ring gear and wants to know what Michaels is doing there. He doesn't have a match tonight! He assumes that HBK is there to watch his back against Vince, and that he still doesn't need his sympathy, pity, or anything else. He then fucks up his entire promo by saying he's "beating Ric Flair." Uh, Ric...you ARE Ric Flair. I wonder if that is an Altzheimer's gag or if Ric really has it. Michaels has nothing to say to this, and we go back to break.

Back from break, and JBL arrives in ring gear. We get a vid clip from Smackdown last week where Finlay says that Hornswaggle is getting better, but that he'll never be the same. He says Bradshaw won't be either after what he does to him at Wrestlemania.

Back to the ring, JBL has a mic. He's pushing all the right heel buttons, too. Oh yeah. And JBL makes a connection between Finlay and this being St. Patrick's Day. He then calls out Colin Delaney. He tells Colin not to let his lack of entrance music or pyro phase him. *lol*

MATCH: BRADSHAW V COLIN DELANEY
ANOTHER total squash. Delaney got in a bitchslap to start the match, but his goose was cooked the rest of the way. The Clothesline From Hell finished the job.

WINNER: BRADSHAW

I'm not doing a move-by-move recap tonight, but I actually did for this match. What you read above is just about exactly how this went down.

Backstage, we're shown Vince and Flair making their way to the ring via split-screen. Cause, you know...WWE has that kind of technology.

Back from break, and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I think I forgot to mention, by the way, that this match between Naitch and Vince is a street fight.

STREET FIGHT: "NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR V VINCE MCMAHON
Nothing like watching two 60 year old men go at it in a wrestling ring. Actually, most of this is happening OUTSIDE the ring. Vince gets the upperhand outside the ring and Flair blades. Back in the ring, Vince is whipping his ass with trashcans and whatever else he can get his hands on. Flair is sporting a crimson mask. Vince beats on Ric with a chair and tries another pin. The ref gets to 2 before Michaels shows up and pulls him out to stop the count.

Vince sets up a table in the ring. Low blow by Flair. Another. Flair sets Vince up on the table, then delivers a splash on Vince THROUGH THE TABLE!!!

WINNER: RIC FLAIR

Back from break, and Jared The Subway Guy is in the crowd. King interviews him. They grab-ass for a few minutes over Subway food (shameless product placement), and Maria is out next with Candice for a tag match.

DIVA TAG MATCH: ASHLEY/CANDICE V VICTORIA/JILLIAN HALL
The bell hasn't sounded yet, and Santino is already out. I'm glad I'm not doing a move-by-move tonight, because this match really wasn't very good. It was mostly an excuse for Marella and King to bitch back and forth at each other. Yeah, Santino went to color commentary. Santino decks Lawler after the match and steals the Subway sandwich Jared gave him.

WINNERS: MARIA AND CANDICE MICHELLE

We get a video package on Mayweather, then Big Show is shown heading for the ring as we go to break.

Back from break, and Jericho is out.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH: CHRIS JERICHO(C) V BIG SHOW
Show dominated most of this match. It seems he knows the correct use of rolling into a ring to break the ref's count, too. Show tried an inverted splash off the second rope but Jericho ducked. He hit a Lionsault, and was launched out of the ring at 2. He grabbed his IC belt off the announce table, got back in the ring, and leveled Show with it.

WINNER BY DQ: BIG SHOW

Post-match, Jericho tried to hit him with the belt again, but Show caught him with a right that looked like it would really hurt. Show chokeslammed him and left him laying in the ring with the IC belt. Breaktime.

Back from break, and Kim Kardashian tells us she'll be at Wrestlemania. She finishes cutting her promo, and an oily Big Dick Johnson shows up. She disses him, then says she hopes to see us at Wrestlemania. J.R. introduces an Orton vid package.

Backstage, Orton is posing with the belt. Cena shows up for the gratuitous pep talk before their 2-on-everyone match. Orton suggests they take a dive in this match so they don't get hurt. Cena tells him to go ahead and do it. Orton says he is the champion so Cena should take the dive. Cena says he's not a coward so it ain't happening. Orton tries to pull rank by telling Cena he should do what he's told, but Cena says he hasn't lost his mind, so he's not obeying the man who tore his pec, stole his title, and punted his dad in the face. Pretty intense from Cena, which is a good thing. HHH shows up, tells them the match will go on until Orton and Cena either beat every one of their opponents or they are physically unable to continue. He then says he's rooting for THEM, slaps them on the back, and we go to break.

HANDICAP MATCH: RANDY ORTON/JOHN CENA V THE WHOLE RAW ROSTER
Lessee...Umaga, Rhodes/Holly, Snitsky, Cade/Murdoch, Carlito, Burchill, Marella, Val Venis, JBL, etc. Cena started the match, and Marella is pinned first. Murdoch was in next. Murdoch tapped out to the STFU. Orton sneaked in and hit the RKO on Cade. Cena pinned him. Umaga was in next with a double clothesline on Orton and Cena. Breaktime.

Back from break, and Bradshaw is working Orton over. During the break, Super Crazy was eliminated. Hacksaw Jim Duggan was in briefly, then tagged in Cody Rhodes, who tagged in Burchill. Orton still playing...dare I say it?.....FACE-IN-PERIL. Venis was in next. Carlito after him. Bob Holly in. Then Robby of The Highlanders. Orton finally tags in Cena, who hits a high flying leg drop on Robby for the pin. DH Smith in next, and he promptly eats a Protobomb. YOU CAN'T SEE ME, 5 Knuckle Shuffle, FU, pin.

Orton tags back in, hits an RKO on Burchill, pin. Val Venis? RKO, pin. Cody Rhodes runs in the ring, tries a cross-body on Cena, who catches him in midair. Cena catches him, throws him straight up in the air, and Orton catches him in midair for an RKO. Fucking SWEET spot.

They don't get the chance to pin anyone else, though, because the rest of the roster ran in for the beatdown. The bell rings, presumably ending the match.

WINNERS: RANDY ORTON AND JOHN CENA

Cena comes in to clean house with a chair, but eats a Samoan Spike from Umaga. JBL takes the chair and swings at Orton, who ducks. He hits Umaga on accident. Umaga hits Orton with a Spike, then chases JBL out of the ring and up the ramp. The rest of the roster clears out.

HHH's music hits, and he's out in wrestling gear. Orton and Cena are still down. Orton is stupid enough to stand up, though, and he eats a Pedigree for his troubles. Right on cue, Cena comes to his feet in time to eat one of his own. HHH finishes this task, still chewing his gum, and just generally looks bored with the whole thing. He calls for the WWE title belt, holds it up, points to the Wrestlemania sign, flexes for the crowd, and we fade to black.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!