| Date: 07/07 | 8:00 PM |
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Killa Kev's WWE Raw Recap, Now With 25% 35% 40% MORE Useless Filler!
Tonight WWE Raw is LIVE from the Big Easy, New Orleans! We get YET ANOTHER RECAP of Edge losing his title last week. Oh for fucks sake when I said "25% more useless filler", apparently I was making a prediction. We only saw it half a dozen times last week between all three shows, not counting the gratuitous overusage. And JBL challenging Punk, Cena challenging Punk, JBL getting rid of Cena only for Cena to come back with Cryme Tyme and take on JBL's private security force, and Punk using that to take a win over JBL.
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley appears on screen and says that despite Shane McMahon's pleas last week for everybody to work together in the abscence of Mr. McMahon, chaos reigned supreme. Stephanie again asks for everybody to please pull together in support of Mr. McMahon.
We go to the arena with all the lights out. WTF, is this the return of William Regal? No. Intead of the dry, slightly gravely voice of the former WWE Raw GM, we get the screeching of WWE SmackDown GM Vickie Guerrero "Excuse me! Excuse me!". The lights come up and the fans start booing. She says she is at the show to protest CM Punk becoming the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and refuses to leave the ring until Punk surrenders the title to her, on top of an apology. CM Punk wastes no time making his way down to the ring, getting in Guerrero's face and gloating over his posession of the title. The fans start chanting for Punk, cutting off Guerrero's condemnation of Punk's win, calling Edge "helpless, weakened and barely conscious", and says that he's having a nervous breakdown. Punk tells Guerrero that she's not going to get any sympathy from either him or the fans over her problems, and from his point of view, he did the both of them a favor.
He reminds Guerrero that as the Money in the Bank winner, he could cash that in at any time, and it isn't as if he didn't do to Edge what Edge hasn't done to others. Guerrero says that the difference is that other title holders wern't in the middle of getting married, and the cancellation of their wedding is all his fault. Punk says that there's way better candidates for marriage than Edge, such as The Great Khali. HAHA! Punk's got jokes! Vickie Guerrero stands up, holds her back in pain, then slaps Punk in the face. Punk laughs it off, and tells her, "You just bought yourself a one-way ticket back to SmackDown!", then proceeds to push her wheelchar towards the ropes.
The familiar sound of John Layfield's music belts out across PA system, and the white limo rolls out. JBL gets out and tells Punk that he's about to come to the end of his title reign, and if it wasn't for the blatant interference of John Cena and Cryme Tyme, JBL would be the World Heavyweight Champion. He says he's challenging Punk for another title shot right here, because it is what Mr. McMahon would do. Punk tells JBL that Mr. McMahon isn't here, and on top of that he had his shot last week, and he lost. JBL says that Punk is an illegitimate champion because his "illegal interference" cost him his title. Said "illegal interference", that being former WWE Champion John Cena, hits the ring himself with a mic. Cena says he has a major announcement, JBL is medically sick with a disease called the "wasn't fors", blaming everybody and everything for his own loss. He then congratulates Punk on being the new champion. Cena tells JBL to shut his mouth and listen to the new champion. Cena reminds everybody that the McMahon's aren't here, nobody is in charge, so the three of them should figure out what to do like grown men. In two weeks the Great American Bash happens, and CM Punk doesn't have a challenger. Cena says that him and JBL are both wanting to challenge for the title, and "it doesn't take a mathalete" to figure out that the two of them should have a #1 Contender's match to decide who faces Punk at the PPV.
Of course it can't be contained to just three men, because Batista hits the ring with a mic himself. Batista says, first of all, he wants to congratulate Punk on his win, he worked hard for it. He then addresses Vickie Guerrero at ringside, mocks her current problems, then tells her to roll her ass out of the arena. Finally, Batista reminds Punk that he wouldn't be the champion without his help. JBL cuts off Batista and tells him nobody cares, Batista fires back that if JBL cuts him off one more time, he's beating his ass. Cena steps in and says he didn't expect Batista to interject himself, but since he is, Cena wants to make it a Triple Threat match between himself, Batista and JBL. JBL tells Cena that with the power vacuum, he's taking charge and making decision, and it's going to be one-on-one with Cena. Cena tells JBL that if he doesn't want to be in this three-way, then he can be out! JBL gets pissed off and says they can have a three-way.
But no! (FFS). Apparently this isn't okay, because Kane now makes his way down to the ring with a mic, and simply tells Cena, "I want in, too!" Punk says a Fatal Four-Way sounds even better, and departs with a parting shot, "Good luck, boys!" We take our first commercial break, with a teaser that Rey Mysterio makes his wrestling debut on Raw against Santino Marella, it's next!
Rey Mysterio vs. Santino Marella
We come back from break, Lawler with line of the night already, reminding us that we're in New Orleans tonight, "The Big Easy! And I'm not talking about Vickie Guerrero!" Mysteiro makes his ring entrance first, pretty toned down from his SmackDown entrances, followed by Marella. We recap Marella confronting Mysterio last week.
Bell rings, Marella shoves Mysterio into the ropes, Mysterio shoves back, gets whipped off the ropes, Mysterio with the headscissor takeover, putting Marella in the corner, whips him out, reversal, Marella drops him, drops a knee in his chest, tries a copule of unsuccessful pin attempts before stomping Mysterio in the chest, then dropping a fistdriver, then putting Mysterio in the Camel Clutch. Marella releases it, drops down on Mysterio's back, punches him in the ribs, then re-applies the Camel Clutch.
Mysterio throws him off, Marella lands on the middle rope, Mysterio gos for the 6-1-9, Marella sidesteps it and droptoe holds Mysterio, gets a pin attempt. Mysterio whipped off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, nails him, pin attempt by Mysterio. Mysterio goes outside, goes for the legdrop off the rope, connects, then dropkicks Marella into the middle rope, connects on the 6-1-9. Mysterio finishes with the splash off the top rope for the pin.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio, by pinfall. Wow, what a completely boring and lackluster match! Maybe it's the ringrust? I dunno. We go to break with the teaser that Shawn Michaels will confront Chris Jericho later tonight.
Backstage we got Todd Grisham backstage asking CM Punk who he wants to face at Great American Bash, Punk says that the stereotypical answer is that he'll take on all comers, but he's actually pulling for somebody. Gene Snitsky walks up and says he got drafted to Raw last year and never got once title shot, but Punk comes on and is champion the first night in a fluke win, and that pisses off Snitsky. Punk says he'll see Snitsky in the ring later tonight to prove why he's the champ. We then go to Mickie James talking to John Cena. Kelly Kelly comes up and tells James that they their tag team match is up next. James asks Cena if he knew that Kelly Kelly was Raw's newest Diva. Cena asks Kelly how she got on Raw, and asks if Teddy Long let her out of her ECW contract. Kelly says, "We have contracts?" Apparently she forgot about the whole debacle with The Miz last year. James and Kelly excuse themselves, Cena looks into the camera and replies, "God bless America!", and off to another break we go!
Snitsky is getting a title shot, and Kelly Kelly is now on Raw? Damnit, can this show get ANY worse? Well, of course it can because we come back with Jillian Hall in the ring, trying to sing.
WWE Women's Champion Mickie James & Kelly Kelly vs. Jillian Hall & Layla El
As mentioned, Jillian Hall is already in the ring, along with Layla El. Neither gets an in-ring intro, James & Kelly get seperate intros. We start out with Hall and James wrestling around, Hall putting James in a headscissors, James evades, nails a dropkick to Hall's knees, then another low dropkick to her face, then elbows Layla El off the ropes. Hall tries to take advantage of that, but James hems her up, drags her over to the corner, tags in Kelly, who hits a sunset flip into the ring for a pin attempt on Hall, Hall kicks out. Kelly with a headscissors followed by ahuracanrana into a pin attempt. Hall is whipped off the ropes, she hangs on, Kelly charges, Hall backdrops her over the ropes, Kelly hangs on, Layla El knocks her off the apron.
Hall gets out of the ring, kicks Kelly in the ribs, throws her back in the ring and kicks her again, then rubs her face in the mat, followed by a hairmare, pin attempt, two count. Hall pulls Kelly up by the hair, then puts her foot in her back while pulling on the arms. Kelly works her way out of it, flips Hall over, goes for a tag, Hall cuts her off, mounts her and lays in some punches until the ref breaks. Hall gets up and gloats to the fans, then knees Kelly in the ribs before driving her into the corner. Hall whips Kelly to the opposite corner, tries for a springboard reverse elbow, Kelly leaps up on her shoulders, goes for an Oklahoma Roll and picks up a win!
WINNERS: Mickie James & Kelly Kelly, by pinfall. JBL's entrance music sounds again as we go to break. We come back, we see the limousine is out, but then JBL comes out, apparently wondering why his music is sounding and the limo comes out. JBL is trying to open the doors, can't get in, and can't see through the window tint. John Cena pops out of the back with a mic in one hand, crowbar in the other. Cena tells JBL that his limo somehow isn't going to pass Louisiana's inspection, but he knows two guys who can find the right parts and get it fixed fast. Cryme Tyme pops out the other side of the limo, baseball bats in hand. They back JBL up the ramp, JBL starts to complain. Cena tells the fans that everybody knows that you can't drive a limousine on the road without a passenger side mirror, and asks JTG if he sees a passenger side mirror. One whack of a bat, no more mirror. Cena then says that the state requires a vented windshield, and Shad Gespard cracks a bat through the front windshield. Cena then says that the limo tint is too dark, they need to let in more light, and both guys bust out the rest of the windows.
Cena tells JBL now that everybody knows that there's going to be a white limo out on the streets that isn't up to code, himself and Cryme Tyme are going to JBL out by giving it a custom paint job to hide it. They all pull out spraypaint cans and proceed to mark up his car. Cena proclaims the car is now up to code, courtesy of the Cryme Tyme Auto Shop, and wishes JBL good luck tonight in the Fatal Four-Way.
What a fucking waste of my time. And apparently we're going to waste more of my valuable time by AGAIN RECAPPING EDGE'S LOSS. And then we have CM Punk come out and sit on the destroyed limo. Off to break, back for his match next.
WWE World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk vs. Gene Snitsky
Punk was already introduced before the break, Snitsky gets his intro after. Snitsky puts Punk in the corner immediately and stomps him down, kneeing him in the ribs a dozen or so times, bodyslam, elbow drop, elbow drop, pin attempt, two count, kickout. Snitsky picks up Punk into a bear hug, he elbows his way out, bounces off the ropes, taken down by a reverse elbow from Snitsky. Snitsky tries for a elbow drop off the ropes, Punk rolls out of the way, kicks Snitsky in the legs a few times. Snitskky whipped off the ropes, he reverses, Punk slides under the legs and pops back up for an Enziguri. Punk with a clothesline off the top rope, puts Snitsky in the corner, Muay Thai knee to the face in the corner, bulldog, GTS, we're done in three minutes.
WINNER: CM Punk, by pinfall. Love Jerry Lawler's joke in the middle of this. "I remember a saying from Jackie Fargo, never get in a fight with an ugly man, he's got nothing to lose!" Indeed. Backstage Shawn Michaels is making his way to the ring as he is ready to address Chris Jericho after this break.
Shawn Michaels Confronts Chris Jericho
We come back from the break and recap the last couple of months of feuding between Michaels and Jericho. If you don't know what happened, then I encourage you to read my recaps, I'm not going to waste more time here, although at the pace this show is going, I probably could explain it all in detail before this current recap on TV finishes. Michaels comes out, rambles briefly, and then tells Jericho he'll accept a match against Jericho at the Great American Bash. This brings out Jericho and Jericho's newest Jerichoholic, Lance Cade. That reminds me, wonder what Rufus is doing these days?
Jericho takes a mic and says he knew that Michaels would take his challenge, then babbles on about how he's been pulling Michaels' strings all this time, says he knows Michaels is hurt because he didn't attack Jericho immediately, and yet he's still going to take this match. Jericho asks Michaels if he wants to be a martyr for the fans, asks him if the fans are going to pay his bills if Michaels hurts himself, but they'll leave him. Jericho says himself and Cade see what's going on, and if they hurt Michaels, he'll quickly be forgotten. Michaels responds that he thought all this time that Jericho's issue was that he hated Michaels. He babbles on about some more shit, GOD why am I not caring about any of this?
Jericho finally comes back around and starts crying about how it isn't fair that the fans care more about a liar like Michaels instead of him. Michaels says it isn't fair, especially for a man like Jericho, who has accomplished everything he's ever set out to do. However, Jericho has no satisfaction and peace, and he never will because he'll never be Shawn Michaels. We cut to commercial right there, suspense hanging in the air.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas (non-title match)
Haas is introduced in the ring, Kofi gets a nice little introduction. Hopefully they don't cut his match off! We lock up after the bell, Haas with a side headlock to start out. Kingston elbows his way out, shoves off Hass into the ropes, Haas with a shoulderblock, floatover, Kingston with a leapfrog and then a nice armdrag. Haas respond with a punch to the face and then chokes Kingsston on the middle ropes, stomps him on the head, pulls him up, Kingston fires back with some punches to the ribs, whips Haas off the ropes, ducks down and Haas kicks him in the face, clubs him in the back.
Haas with a facelock, whips Kingston over, kicks him in the back, then in the face, goes for a cover, two count. Haas transitions into a side headlock on the mat, Kingston works his way up, elbows out, Haas cuts him off witha headbutt and a kick that sends Kingston to the corner. Haas with some old-fashioned lefts and rights, Kingston takes them, and then fires back with his own, backs Haas into a corner. Haas charges out of the corner, Kingston leapfrogs him, dropkicks him, bounces off the ropes, stops for a shimmy then lands the double legdrop. Haas off to the corner, Kingston leapfrogs him into the face, backs off, charges with the spinning heel kick to the head, covers, 1-2-3 and we're done.
WINNER: Kofi Kingston, by pinfall. Good solid match, I wasn't expecting much here and got a little better than that. Paul Burchill runs in from the crowd and attacks Kingston from behind, finishes him off with a curb stomp. We cut backstage to see Batsita warming up. Suddenly a person of unknown origin runs into the camera frame, spots the camera, immitate's Batista's intro, then runs off. We see two out-of-shape security dudes chase after him. Batista cracks up laughing.
Fatal Four-Way, #1 Contender Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship:
Dave Batista vs. John Layfield vs. Kane vs. John Cena
Everybody gets their seperate intros, bell rings, JBL attacks Cena immediately, everybody throws JBL out, Kane backs Cena up in the corner and delivers elbows, and we take a break already. Back from the break, Batista has JBL in the corner, Kane is still beaking on Cena. Cena bounces off the ropes, takes an elbow from Kane. JBL turns Batista around and clothesliens him in the corner. Kane has Cena backwards in the corner and fishhoking him. Batista nails the spear on JBL, covers, Kane breaks it up. Kane chokeslams Batista, covers, Cena breaks it up. Kane chokeslams Cena, but Cena wiggles out, picks up Batista in the F-U, JBL with a kick to Cena's head. JBL and Kane knock each other out with simultaneous boots to the face. Everybody is now down. Thankfully Chad Patton isn't doing a count, since there's no DQs in these matches. JBL makes it to his feet, Cena is up, JBL with a clothesline, Cena ducks it, clothesline, Kane recovers, blockbuster on Kane, Batista recovers, he takes an F-U, cover, JBL breaks it up, AND WE TAKE ANOTHER FUCKING BREAK!
We come back, Cena plants JBL with the side slam, calls for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, and Kane cuts him off with a clothesline before he can deliver. Batista recovers and lays into Kane with punches at JBL and Cena roll to the outside. Batista whips Kane into the corner, clotheslines him. JBL runs in and eats a clothesline from Batista, powders back out. Batista with a spear on Kane, JBL with a Clothesline from Hell. Cena in, drop toehold on JBL, locks in the STF. Kane picks up Cena with a chokehold, grabs JBL in the chokehold, they work together to break it, whip Kane off the ropes and nail a double-team shoulderblock, then go back to beating on each other. They roll outside, JBL throws Cena into the ringsteps.
Back in the ring, Batista tries for a Batista Bomb on Kane, Kane blocks it, throws Batista chest-first into the corner. JBL picks up the ringsteps and nails Cena with them on the outside. Kane rolls out and delivers some uppercuts to JBL until he flies over the barrier. Kane gets back into the ring, goes up for the Clothesline from Hell, flies, Batista ducks it, then catches Kane with the spear, cover, pin.
WINNER: Dave Batista, by pinfall. Batista is now our #1 Contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Batista gets his hand raised, then quietly exists the ring, although he seems to be favoring his left arm a little. Can't tell if it's legit or kayfabe, since that was the arm he used to hook Kane's leg with. We watch Batista go up the ramp and celebrate, then focus back on Kane, who is in the middle of the ring, frustrated. He gets out of the ring and knocks over some ring steps, the fans start to boo him. Kane rips the top off of the announcer's table, says something to Michael Cole. Kane comes back and says "I said, is he alive or dead!?", then kicks a camera man in the face, grabs the timekeeper and throws him over a table.
Kane stalks around the ring some more, goes back to the announcer's table, asks Cole again if he's alive or dead, then grabs Cole, pulls him out of his seat, throws him in the ring. Cole begs off, saying he doesn't know what Kane's talking about. Kane picks up Cole in a choke and starts for a chokeslam, Jerry Lawler makes the save! Which, of course, only pisses off Kane more, he picks up Lawler in a reverse chokehold, slams him to the mat, rolls him around the mat, asks him if this is funny, then stalks off, the show is cut off, no closing graphics or nothing.
I tell ya what, folks. In my opinion, this show has gone STRAIGHT to the shitter, its almost as if Vince Russo has returned to the head of booking. Maybe Triple H really WAS what made this show great all these years, because I tell you right now, Raw is officially the #2 show in my opinion, SmackDown is #1 with NO doubts. This show gets NO BUYS from me.
Mysterio vs. Marella could have been a 4-star match easily, IMO it was barely a two. The women's match was a joke. Punk defeating a jobber was unnecessary. Kofi Kingston's match was solid, but against a man who hasn't wrestled on TV in three months, did we expect Haas had a chance? The main event should have been completely off the hook, instead the production decisions here robbed us of anything exciting, it ws entirely too predictable, and then completely overshadowed with whatever this shit Kane is doing.