08/01/08: Big D's INSANE Smackdown Report Returns~!

{Big D}

After a one week hiatus, the Big D INSANE Smackdown report has returned. I would like to thank Omaha GAWD Stevie J for filling in for me. I was taking care of personal issues which thankfully were resolved quickly with much laughter and stupidity, typical Big D-ness.

Anyways, last week, Vickie laid the bomb on Edge by booking him in a Hell in a Cell with the reinstated Undertaker.

We open with a video package from last week featuring Edge apologizing to VICTORIA GUERRERO~! Haha. The piano music here is priceless. Vickie's laughter is hilarious.

Brand new show intro! Cool. JR introduces himself as well as THE MICK~!. I love JR, but this is THE whatever shit is played out. Adamle is Almighty! Tonight, the Cutting Edge with a SURPRISE Guest.

Match #1: MVP vs. Jimmy Wang Yang. Jeff Hardy came out first and did commentary for this match. MVP cuts a promo about how he tried to help Jeff Hardy last week. MVP says Jeff will never, ever be WWE Champion. MVP says Jeff engaged in more risky and reckless behavior after last week's show and blew his chance at facing Triple H at Summerslam for the WWE Title. What? Huh? I'm not sure what was up with the editing here, but Jimmy Yang just climbs into the ring, no music, nothing. This is ALREADY odd. MVP starts the match with three knees to Yang's gut, which looked painful. Jimmy Yang made a quick someback but got cut off with a faceplant. MVP starts to get the heat but Yang cuts him off. Back and forth. MVP then cocks back and hits that flying Yakuza Boot for the finish. Winner: MVP. GOOD MATCH! I'm also very happy that the Yakuza Boot is now his finisher instead of the homo-ass Playmaker. The overdrive sucks.

Jeff Hardy gets in the ring and says last week MVP got very personal with him. Hardy says never to mention his dead dog again or the fire incident. This was emotional and awesome and Jeff came off like he had legitimate emotion. YES! WRESTLING NEEDS THIS! Jeff hit the Twist of Fate on MVP and screamed "YOU MAKE ME SICK". AWESOME! FREAKING AWESOME! If Hardy acts like this all the time, I will become a fan.

Tonight, Jeff Hardy vs. The Great Khali.

Backstage, Chavo Guerrero rolls Vickie in and says he is going to find out who Edge's surprise guest will be. They then pan the camera back and Vickie runs in Alicia Fox, the chick who Edge tried to fuck. Bam Neely then pops in through the door to lead them to the office. Awesome. JR and King speculate why the Wedding Planner is STILL there. Hmmm...

Match #2: Ken Kennedy vs. WWE United States Champion Shelton Benjamin in a non-title match. This match MUST rule. Mr. Kennedy cut a promo where he screamed out "MISTER" and the crowd screamed "KENNEDY". THE MAN IS OVER! JR puts over the US Title, saying 11 WWE Hall of Famers have worn it in the past. Cool. Kennedy begins to work Benjamin's arm early on. Benjamin comes back with some suplexes and starts to attack the head and neck area of Kennedy. Benjamin and Ken trade stiff shots back and forth. Ken continues to work the shoulder and arm. Kennedy goes for a tackle in the corner but misses. After we return from the commercial break, Benjamin starts to work over Kennedy's arm in an pro wrestling armbar. Kennedy tries to make comebacks but Shelton cuts him off. Shelton continues to work the arm and SLAPS ON A TRIANGLE ARMBAR. FUCKING GREAT. Kennedy slides out and they go to the outside where Shelton continues to work the arm. People in the crowd cheering for Kennedy is cool. Kennedy makes a comeback with a kick to the knee. He starts to now work over Shelton's knee. PSYCHOLOGY!. Kennedy begins to make his comeback. Benjamin hits a high cross body for 2. Kennedy rocks the MIC CHECK for a pin. Winner: Mr. Kennedy. PHENOMENAL MATCH!! Awesome wrestling match. Shelton looks pissed. PUT THIS ON SUMMERSLAM!

They treated this like it was a BIG DEAL that Shelton lost, to the point where the Diva Search Winner (what's her name again?) came out to interview Shelton and ask him what happened in the match LIKE AN FUCKIN MMA SHOW! GIGGETY! GIGGETY!. EVE! That's her name. Benjamin says he's not going to make excuses. He says he shouldn't have been out there because he's got bronchitis.

OH MY GOD!

THEY ARE GIVING SHELTON BENJAMIN TIM SYLVIA'S GIMMICK.

MY HEART HAS STOPPED.

I HAVE CARDIAC ARREST!

They show Shelton walking all the way to the back. See, this would've worked more effectively had they been doing post-match promos more often, sort of like the NWA used to do in the 80s.

Backstage, the Edgeheads are dickin around and Chavo appears looking for Alicia Fox and Edge. He asks the Edgeheads who they are and neither know. Chavo tells them if they find out to let him know ASAP. The Edgeheads talk about action figures of them coming. Yeah because, I really want my kids to play with toys of the Edgegeeks. No Buys.

Match #3: THE Brian Kendrick (w/ Ezekiel) vs. Stevie Richards. I LOVE Spanky. JR compares him to Brian Pillman. He cuts a promo before the match. He says he has always been this way. He says he didn't lie about being the most intelligent superstar in WWE. He says he got his foot in the door with Paul London. Basically a heel turn promo. Now Stevie Richards comes out. He'll show us! We'll see! Kendrick starts to go out there and beat the piss out of Stevie. CRAZY stiff kicks to Stevie. Poor Stevie. He hits a running kick to the knee. Kendrick slaps on a Boston Crab. Stevie makes a comeback with stiff kicks. A receipt. No, more like ten. AWESOME. Kendrick rolls to the outside and gets kicked into the waiting loving arms of Big Zeke. Kendrick gets back in and takes advantage of the distraction and hits the SLICED BREAD #2, which is now called the KENDRICK for a pin. AWESOME. Winner: Brian Kendrick

After the match, Big Zeke puts Stevie Richards in a Torture Rack. This dude is a certified monster.

Match #4: The Great Khali vs. Jeff Hardy. Indeed, Khali is the #1 Contender for the title. Believe it you geeks. Khali gets the advantage early and starts to beat on Jeff. Here we have the traditional monstrous, immovable heel against the little quick babyface. JR puts Khali over as a national hero in India, which IS true. Foley talks about when he went back and people went absolutely mad. Khali completely dominates him and HAD IT NOT BEEN for JR's BRILLIANT commentary, It would tread the level of boring. Hardy tries to fight back again but Khali chucks him around. This is a complete squash it seems. Khali slaps on the "Tongan Nerve Hold". He also slapped the hold on me because I am falling asleep. Okay so Jeff makes a comeback and hits that Whisper bullshit. He climbs to the top and hits the Swanton. MVP comes out and Hardy sees him and kicks him. Hardy then planchas out to nail MVP. MVP grabs Jeff and holds him for KHALI. Khali grabs him in the headvice and Charles Robinson calls for the bell. Winner: The Great Khali.

I don't wanna sound like Killa Kev... but BURN IN HELL.

Awful.

Jim Ross puts over R-Truth as we take a special look at him and his life before coming to the WWE. Nope, they didn't show TNA footage, but they did show a VERY well done video package on Ron Killings. Killings is in a jail cell and talks about the poor decisions he has made in his life. They are letting him cut promos. Good. Maybe TNA is like a jail cell and thats the metaphor here. Well... you DO get raped.

When we return from break, Maria has finally made her Smackdown debut and as usual, she looks quite lickable.

Match #5: Maria vs. Victoria. I love Victoria and it is an embarrassment that she is not used as much as she could be. Well at least she is getting a paycheck. She quickly slaps a reverse deathlock on Maria, which I of course, popped for. I may be losing my mind here, but it looked like I saw a TRANSITION, like a poorly placed edit. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Couldn't they cut to the crowd? Horrid. This has totally thrown me off now. I can't stop thinking about it. Whatever, Victoria beats Maria down. She fights back but Victoria hits a nice bodyslam for a 2 then slaps on a Full Nelson. JR says Edge has arrived in the building. Awesome. Maria starts to fight it off with hip bumps. Mmm... tasty. Maria makes her comeback. She hits a second rope sit-out clothesline for the pin. Whatever. Winner: Maria.

Backstage, Edge is mackin Alicia Fox. He says he wants her around because his guest is going to be huge.

RAW Rebound. JR and Foley talk about RAW on Monday and Mike Adamle. JR and Foley talk about Summerslam matches.

Match #6: The Big Show vs. Domino. Foley says, and I quote "I wear a Triple X Flannel... YEAH". Foley IS Good. So anyways, this is Big Show vs. Domino. Indeed. Is there anything that needs to be said. Domino says he doesn't sweat him. I love his positive attitude. He's like classic Steve Richards. Yeah, Big Show squashes him with a big boot and the chokeslam. Winner: Big Show.

After the match, Umaga comes out. Umaga and Show stare each other down. Alright.

Backstage, Chavo is talking to Vickie. He says he's asked everybody and nobody has any clue who Edge's guest on the Cutting Edge is. Chavo says the Cutting Edge is next.

Alright so we have the Cutting Edge with Edge. There is a random ladder, chair, and a table as the Cutting Edge set. Freaking Awesome. Edge sits down in the chair and says all week he has been searching for some inner peace. He says his marriage is failing, but even more than that, he has to face the Undertaker in Hell in a Cell. Crowd chants for the Undertaker. Edge puts over the dangers of Hell in a Cell. He says he has found inner peace by surrounding himself with Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, the things that helped him banish the Undertaker in the first place. There is no way in hell material this good is WRITTEN. This is all Adam Copeland. Edge says he has found the one person who can help him against the Undertaker and survive. The person is his guest... MICK FOLEY. He rolls to the outside and points at Mick. Mick has a look on his face like... LOL WUT. Foley can't believe it but Edge invites him in the ring, because he said the magic word: please.

Wait, aren't these guys still co-holders of the Hardcore Title?

Whatever.

So Edge thanks Mick Foley for coming on the Cutting Edge show. Edge says he is a changed man and he knows Foley can look past their history. He says he knows that something lingers inside of Mick more than Edge. Edge says he has prepared a video package to remind Mick. We see a very positive view of 1998 and BOY... WASN'T WRESTLING SO MUCH MORE FUN BACK THEN? THANKS WWE FOR POINTING THAT OUT! We see the footage of The Undertaker shoving Mankind off the top of the Hell in a Cell and through it. Seeing footage of Terry Funk on Smackdown is awesome. Foley watches the video and we get a "Foley" chant. Awesome. Edge says it was ten years ago and nobody has forgotten. Edge says he knows that his body has felt that match like it was yesterday. He knows he hasn't forgotten. Edge says since that match, Foley is unable to walk properly. No Edge, that's because he's fat. Edge says the fire burns inside of Foley. Edge wants his help against the Undertaker to rid himself of that monkey on his back. Edge is fucking awesome.

Foley says Edge brings up some great points. He says over the past few months, Edge has hurt Mick's credibility. He says the one thing he has more than anything is his word and his bond with the fans. He says for weeks and months and even years, Foley has said that Edge is the greatest superstar in the WWE. Truth. The marks boo. He says that the problem is, the fans think he sucks. Foley says they see an Edge every week taking shortcuts and relying on Vickie. Foley says he cannot help Edge, but he knows the one person who can: Edge. Foley's STILL got it behind the mic. Foley says Edge needs to look inside of himself to find the Edge that shattered the glass ceiling and made TLC mean something. UNREAL PROMO.

Foley says he wants to call it and puts over this match as the MOST VIOLENT MATCH IN WWE HISTORY.

THEY HAVE MY MONEY

Foley puts asses in seats.

Foley basically says Taker will rip Edge apart because he's been acting like a pussy. Edge thinks about it. Some light "Edge" chants. Edge says he understands, and NAILS Mick in the face with the microphone. Edge has LOST IT. Foley fights back. BANG BANG! Foley starts to throw jargon around until he finds a chair. He runs at Edge but Edge kicks the chair into his face. He spears Foley into the steps. WOW. Edge and Foley get back in the ring and Foley crawls back and puts Edge in the Mandible Claw, until Edge kicks him in the balls. He puts Foley on the table and climbs the ladder WITH a chair. He puts it all through Foley. BADASS. Foley is out. Edge gets up and stares at Foley.

Edge has lost it.

Greatness.