{Big D}
On the go home show before Summerslam, will La Familia go after Edge for revenge?
Smackdown 08/15/08: Hell in a Handbasket (Taped on 8/12/08)
So we open with a video recap of Edge totally snapping last week and destroying Chavo Guerrero, his hermano! This video package was a thing of beauty, using audio clips from the past month or so over Edge hollering into Vickie's ear in the corner.
Jim Ross welcomes us to the show as we waste no time and hop right into it. We're live from Norfolk, VA.
Match #1: WWE United States Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy for the WWE United States Championship. So last week, Jeff won via disqualification against Shelton in a non-title match after MVP attacked him. As a result, Jeff earned this title shot. The two lock up and Shelton quickly slaps on a headlock. Hardy reverses into a school-boy. Lots of near-falls and flash pins early on. Very quick and swift start before Shelton backs off after Hardy is about to hit the Twist of Fate. Great way to start the match. Shelton starts to pound Hardy down very un-amateur-wrestling-like. Shelton works over the headlock again. This match will definitely go long. Jeff starts to fight out of it but Shelton cuts him off. Shelton starts to wear Hardy down and we see flashes of Hardy coming back, but Shelton continues to cut him off. Shelton's snap-suplex is TEXTBOOK. Shelton works him over more until Jeff starts to fight back. They tease a sunset flip powerbomb to the outside, but Hardy reverses into a hurricanrana on the floor. There was one nasty botch here where it looked like Shelton was gonna ride over, Hardy slides in and it looked like he landed on top of Hardy's head. Not pretty. Hardy goes up for the Swanton until MVP runs in from the crowd and pushes him off the top! Winner: Jeff Hardy via disqualification. MVP goes to kick Hardy, but misses and his Shelton. This looked VERY FAKE. Hardy then hits the Twist of Fate and Swanton on MVP. He then Swantons Shelton for good measure.
Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is greeted by Victoria... the OTHER Victoria. Victoria asks her how her summer is. Vickie asks Victoria if she has seen Edge or The Undertaker. Victoria volunteers to go look for them but Vickie says no. Vickie says they are both there in the building. She can "feel it". What is she Phil Collins?
Match #2: WWE Divas Champion Michelle McCool and Maria vs. Maryse and Natalya Neidhart. JR calls McCool a three sport athelete. More like four sport if you count suckin the dead dick. I agree with Bryan Alvarez - Maryse belongs with the Beautiful People. Tazz says he hates short people and JR says everybody in this match is taller than Bob Costas. Where's the heat? Maryse celebrates over a back heel trip. Both girls talk shit to each other. Maria goes for a springing side head lock and fucks it up. The "Anvil's Little Girl" comes in and starts to beat down Maria. The heels start to tag team Maria. Maria gets the hot tag to McCool who comes in still loving life. She actually loves DEATH... but that's another story. She hits a wildly dangerous spinning neckbreaker for a nearfall. Maryse pulls Nattie out and Michelle goes outside to brawl with them and throws Nattie back in. She cleans house again but gets tripped up into a cradle by Nattie for a pin. Alright. Winners: Maryse and Natalya.
Out comes my favorite wrestler.... ... ... BOTH OF THEM!
The highlight of the show acometh!
Spanky cuts a pre-match promo saying each week he comes out and does what he says he's going to do, despite having a GIANT BLACK MAN in his corner. He says he brought Big Zeke to the business and gave him a rub (not in those exact words). Spanky asks if anybody in the entire roster brings more to the table. He asks Zeke. BY GAWD... Zeke can TALK! He says not a single one can. Spanky says he doesn't care about the fans (cheap heat), which is why he wins, because he wrestles for himself. The FUTURE. Out comes....
HER NAME WAS LOLA... SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL
WITH YELLOW FEATHERS IN HER HAIIIIR AND A DRESS CUT DOWN TO THEEEEEERE...
Okay, so maybe not.... but it is COLT CABANA! HE MADE IT TO THE MAIN ROSTER!
IT'S ABOUT.
FUCKING.
TIME.
Match #3: THE Brian Kendrick (w/ Ezekiel) vs. Scotty Goldman. Alright so, they changed his name and made him more jewish. Big deal. Before the match, he cuts one of the goofiest promos in the HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS pointing at himself in the other box. FUCKING AWESOME! I'M LOSING IT HERE! LEGIT GOING INSANE LIKE THE REPORT SAYS! Colt starts out doing the Matt Classic routine. Spanky starts working an armbar, to which Colt reverses using his European comedy wrestling. I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT HIS NAME IT IT IS STILL COLT FUCKING CABANA. Colt gets caught by Spanky's leg lariat followed by a series of stiff kicks. Kendrick hits a flying forearm and slaps on a CAMEL CLUTCH! BREAK HIS BACK! MAKE HIM HUMBLE!!!!! Colt starts making a comeback and they trade forearms, INDY STYLE. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Kendrick fights back with kicks to the kidneys. Kendrick runs right into a double boot by Scotty. Scotty whips him off, Kendrick ducks, and BAM! FLYING ASSHOLE TO THE FACE! HE ALMOST GOT HIM! Kendrick reverses a powerbomb and hits the Sliced Bread 2 (The Kendrick) for the pin. AWESOME! I'm happy with that. Winner: THE Brian Kendrick.
After the match, Zeke comes off the ropes and lays Colt out with a shoulder tackle. That's ok Scotty, remember - it's all fake.
Sorry for losing my mind there a minute ago but I've been following Scotty Goldman since IWA-Mid South and to finally see him make it to the main roster has a special place in my heart. Yeah he lost his first match, but that's ALRIGHT.
So apparently the chick I didn't recognize last week was Eve Torres, who won the Diva thing nobody gives two shits about. She introduces Triple H. We see a recap of the Punjabi Arm Wrestling Glass Gimmick Match last week with Khali laying out the Game. Triple H sold this like he was dead and I loved every minute of it. Eve asks if Hunter can compete tonight or at the PPV. Before he can say much, KENNY FREAKING DYKSTRA pops up and says that he will be facing him tonight. He says this is an opportunity of a lifetime for him. Triple H says he admires his... "spirit" (AWESOME), he picked the wrong day and the wrong guy. Awesome. Shame Kenny isn't doing shit.
JR and Tazz put over Smackdown as the Number 1 program last week other than the Olympics. Who cares?
Great Khali comes out with Desi Eric Bischoff and cuts another promo in Khali tongue. I could watch these every day, every hour, for the rest of my life, while being molested by rabid wolves, and it wouldn't get old. All I heard was "Triple H" "spare change" "Smackdown" "Friday Night" and "Kamehameha". I didn't know Khali likes Dragon Ball. I don't know what he said but damn was this powerful. It's like watching old Hitler speeches. Ranjin translates what Khali said, which is thirty times more boring than hearing Khali-gibberish. This guy is hideous and a disgrace to men everywhere. He warns Triple H to quit the business. Ain't happening this decade.
Match #4: WWE Champion Triple H vs. Kenny Dykstra in a Non-Title Match. Khali was on the outside during this match while Ranjin did commentary. Dykstra starts the match out a house of fire, raining down right hands on the Game. Isn't he supposed to be the heel? Dykstra starts to beat Triple H down. This won't last. He shoots Hunter to the corner and gets caught with a clothesline. Face buster. Clothesline. Hunter ducks, but hits the Spinebuster and poses. This is a joke. Pedigree. Goodnight. Winner: Triple H. Hunter kills yet another man dead.
Hunter stares down Khali and goes to the outside. Ranjin cuts him off to talk shit and Hunter grabs him by the neck. He throws him in the ring. JR calls him his "HANDLER", like Khali is some kind of Jungle Animal. GIGGETY. Triple H taunts Khali as he threatens to hit the Indian pipsqueak. Khali (slowly) walks to the ring. Triple H catches him as he was coming in. Triple H teases the Pedigree, doesn't hit it, but instead comes off the ropes and hits Khali as he stumbles. He then applies the worst clothesline over the top spot I've ever seen. Triple H poses.
Much like RAW, the babyface champion is left standing. A lot of people think because CM Punk did it on RAW, that it means he's dropping the World Title to JBL. Do you really think Hun-TOR is dropping the Smackdown belt to Khali? Really... do you?
Match #5: The Big Show vs. Ryan Braddock. Big Show comes to the ring hugging children in the aisle. That's very nice. Used to be Jay Bradley and I saw him work at FCW. I honestly wasn't impressed. He just looks like "some guy with a cool jacket", but I do like his swagger coming to the ring. FCW! FCW! FCW! I fucked up and called him Brian Reddick, when it's Ryan Braddock. An honest mistake right? Anyways, this guy looks like a more jacked-up version of James Storm. They start off with a boxing pose and Braddock starts to lay right hands into Show, then gets chucked to the outside like an infant child. Picturing the Big Show throwing infant children over the top rope is MANY BUYS! Show lays in a headbut on Ryan and does the "Catcher's Mit" Chop. He tosses Braddock around like a ho. Super Punch. Ryan is dead. Winner: The Big Show.
Backstage, Mr. T cuts a promo. Wait, that's MVP. The man has so much jewelry it's ridiculous. Eve tries to get a comment but he snatches the mic. Montell says he tried to uplift him and help him, but now he's going to bury young Jeffrey. He talks shit about how miserable he was when he got suspended, when his house burned down, and when his dog Jack died. Maybe they should fire MVP for those comments too right prowrestling.com-guy? MVP says he won't feel shit until he wakes up after the Driveby Boot.
Big-ups to the Summerslam Theme Music. I like the song.
When we return, Victoria is chillin with Victoria. Guerrero says that she still loved Edge despite the fact that he tried to fuck that other bitch. But now, she never wants to see him again after what he did last week. She asks Victoria for a favor. She asks to be escorted to her limo to be safe. No offense, but can Victoria REALLY beat Edge or Undertaker in a fight? No, I don't mean that in a sexist way but ughh, they ARE main eventing your next Pay Per View.
Another video package for R-Truth, still bitching about being imprisoned in TNA. He realized he had make the nightmare known as Jeff Jarrett go away. He had to be strong inside to fight off the New York Demon known as Vince Russo. He had to survive being placed in a program with Pacman Jones. All he had was he... and the fans in the Impact Zone. I feel sorry for Ron Killings.
Backstage, Victoria escorts Vickie to the Limo. The backseat window rolls down and Edge's face is there. Vickie then performed an Academy Award winning scream, better than any stupid horror movie. Edge comes out of the Limo. Victoria DIPPED! HAHA! GIGGETY! Edge says he's going to have fun tonight with Vickie. Edge says they are taking a ride to hell. As he is carrying her away, he does the Irish two-step. I laughed... and laughed... and laughed.
I said it last week and I'll say it again: Heath Ledger is a shitstain on Adam Copeland's briefs, no offense to any Heath fans out there or his family.
Match #6: Festus (w/ Jesse) vs. Vladimir Koslov. The bell rings and Festus starts to beat Koslov's ass. First time Koslov has been beaten down. These guys start laying each other with snug fists. The Moscow Mauler catches Festus on his way out. They brawl on the outside a bit and then get back in the ring. Koslov slaps on a front facelock and does the MARK COLEMAN KNEES! GIGGETY............................................................................................................................. GIGGETY. Koslov puts a bear hug on Festus, which is strange because Festus has a thicker torso than Koslov. Suplex for 2. The former Freakin Deacon fights back and rocks Koslov. They play this up as if it was Koslov's first real challenge. Festus comes off the ropes for a big cross body but gets headbutt in the stomach. DOPE! That's the end of that. Winner: Vladimir Koslov.
Raw Rebound. They focused on Cena/Batista more than anything else and ignored everything else
JR and Tazz run down the Summerslam card.
Backstage, Edge still fucks with Vickie. Looks like they are heading to the ring.
We see a video package about the Shawn Michaels angle at Summerslam. I really think that HBK/Jericho will main event Unforgiven the way this is being pushed.
Edge wheels out a crying Vickie Guerrero. Edge is single handedly carrying this fucking show. Not Triple H. Not Undertaker. Not anybody but Edge.
Edge then boots Vickie out of the wheelchair. Hilarious. She cries on the ground, terrified as Edge stares her down. Edge then goes to the ground with her, to make her feel a little better. Edge is channeling the spirit of Satan himself. I'm absolutely LOVING this. Edge says that the marriage is a mess. He tries to get Vickie to calm down. Edge says that lines have been crossed (Fuck TNA by the way) and Edge has commited unforgivable sins. Edge sits with Vickie there on the floor and it hasn't all been bad for them has it? Has it? This is SO AWESOME. He's SO SADISTIC. Edge says he wants the people to see all the good times. Edge says they need to take a trip down memory lane.
We see a video package highlighting the rise and fall of Edge and Vickie's marriage.
So back at ringside, Edge continues the borderline insanity gimmick. He lays there with her on the floor. He asks if she remembers what they did to the Undertaker. Edge says she wants her to APOLOGIZE to the Undertaker. This is legitimately disturbing. This is on some Buffalo Bill shit. Vickie apologizes. Vickie deserves an Observer Award. Edge says it's her fault the family is suffering. Everything is because of HER. Edge says he IS burning in hell, like she wanted. It feels like his brain is burning from the inside out he says. But he promises that the Undertaker will burn in hell with him. Oh shit....
So Edge says he doesn't want to wait until Summerslam and begs the Undertaker to come out. He says they're ready. Edge says he is going to show him the purest... form... of hell... he's ever been in.
He hops on top of Vickie and taunts her some more... "Edge vs. Undertaker - Til Death... Do Us Part"
This is the biggest match in the history of the existence of this and all parallel universes.
I am now legitimately believing that somebody is going to DIE... IN THAT MATCH. LITERALLY DIE! AS IN LIKE... NOT BREATHE
THIS... THIS... is how you do it...
God Bless Edge.