08/25/08: Stevie J's WWE Raw Run-In Recap

I'm not really sure what's going on - it's possible Nikes got called away on a mission, it's possible he's at the hospital with his beloved, heck anything's possible. As he's not here though and it's been a half hour I'm going to start the recap right now and fast forward through the commercials to catch up. Hit F5 or refresh as often as you like for the updates!

No video preview to start Raw this week - we get the opening credits and opening video package right off the bat. Tonight's RAW ON SCI-FI eminates from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and the exploding pyro remind me of Vince McMahon's exploding limo. Cole tells us we're less than two weeks away from the "unique scramble," which I'm not looking forward to at Unforgiven, and then pulls a RD Reynolds by saying "SPEAKING OF UNIQUE, HERE'S CM PUNK!"

* CM Punk {C} v. JBL (Non-Title)

I know I'm not exactly one to talk as I'm nowhere near a peak physical specimen, but I really wish JBL would leave on his MamaJuana Extreme warm-up jumpsuit when he gets in the ring - his bitch tits are hard to look at. You know it's non-title because there's no announcer in the ring to make an official proclamation - the ref just points at the timekeeper and signals to ring the bell. Bradshaw wastes no time clubbing Punk down and putting him in a smelly manboob headlock. Punk retorts with his usual arsenal of kicks and makes a cover for a near fall. Let's fast forward a little bit since watching JBL get the heat is as fun as watching grass grow. Punk hits a suicide dive to the floor that goes all the way to the announce table, then hits a top rope crossbody for two. Bradshaw tries to throw Punk over the top rope, Punk skins the cat, JBL boots him in the face for his efforts and we go to commercial.

We're back and Bradshaw is getting the heat again beating the crap out of Punk, going for near falls, and putting on submission holds to get the tap. AB STRETCH BRADSHAW! PULL ON THOSE ABS! MAKE HIM QUIT! Alas the wily Punk will not give in. Yawn, fast forward. I'll say this much - every time some wrestling prognosticator says Punk isn't getting over with the fans, I look at all the CM Punk signs and t-shirts in the crowd and think otherwise. I think getting a clean pin on Bradshaw at SummerSlam didn't hurt. Speaking of clean pins, Punk starts his comeback with the running knee and the bulldog, looking for the G2S, waiting for Bradshaw to stand up. Bradshaw escapes and nails Punk with the Clothesline from Hell, but when he rolls on top to make the cover Punk reaches out with his right arm to grab the ropes. JBL is fuming but DEM'S DA RULES KID. He decides to vent his frustration by going out for a steel chair, the ref takes it away, and while Bradshaw is glaring at the ref Punk grabs him from behind and picks him up for the G2S and the pinfall! WINNER: CM PUNK. You know even if they have him lose every other time, when he gets to pin JBL over and over again I'm still one happy PUNKER. Yeah I said it, I'm a happy PUNKER. Punk kisses the belt, Cole and Lawler preview the matches to come, and we go to a commercial break.

We're reminded as we return to break that Smackdown is coming to MyNetworkTV. HEY DIRECTV, GET TO WORK ON THAT. I DON'T HAVE MYNETWORK ON MY CHANNEL LINEUP AND I'M +NOT+ PLEASED ABOUT IT. Nor am I pleased to see Mike f'n Adamle on my TV, but at least the clipboard toting man simply stands on the ramp with a mic so he can toss to a video package with Batista v. Cena highlights. Highlights over, Adamle says that Cena has "severely herniated discs in his NECKS." Necks, plural. On the whole though this isn't a bad promo despite that gaffe, and Adamle notes that due to Cena's injuries he won't be in the Scramble match at Unforgiven, but he will name "a worthwhile replacement" before the night's end.

The video suddenly throws to Kane, in a dark corner of the arena, adjusting the lens of a camera pointed at his face. Kane says the news of John Cena's pain is not a bad thing - in fact pain can be a good thing. "Placing this hand around someone's throat, feeling his pulse accelerate as it raises him into the air, and then he crumbles. It leaves the victim wondering... is he alive, OR DEAD." Maniacal laughter. Kane shuts off his own camera. REALISM - KANE OPERATES HIS OWN VIDEO EQUIPMENT - I LIKE IT. Backstage in Adamle's office, Primo Colon has a talk with Adamle, who apologizes for the botched debut last week. He offers Primo a barrel of apples and a cabana set, and Primo tells Adamle that he's nothing like his brother Carlito. In fact, says Primo, "Everybody in my family thinks he's a jerk!" Adamle laughs and Primo wants to know what's so funny. Presidente Adamle Reagan says he'll find out later. Shawn interrupts this lovefest and glares at Adamle, then demands to know where Jericho is. Adamle reveals nothing, then asks how Rebecca is. Shawn glares at him like he wants to kick Adamle's teeth down his throat AND I WISH HE WOULD. Adamle nervously adjusts his tie as we go to break.

* Kelly Kelly v. Beth Phoenix {C} (Non-Title)

Michael Cole still insists on calling the duo of Beth and Santino "Glamarella" but I still prefer my own creation - THE GLAM & SLAM CONNECTION. Marella stays at ringside to observe as the match gets underway, with Beth easily overpowering Kelly and setting her up on the top rope to mock her. Beth whips her around the ring but Kelly grabs an arm and rolls through for a near fall, before Beth steamrolls her and gets a bloody nose in the process as Kelly was out of position and had her knee up on the knockdown. Kelly is bad people. She's beautiful to look at but in the ring she's BAD BAD BAD. Kelly hits a drop toehold and Beth's nose bounces off the canvas. Kelly does backflips to the corner, Santino pulls her out of the way, she starts arguing with him and Kelly takes advantage of the distraction to roll up Beth for three! WINNER: KELLY KELLY.

Santino gets in the ring to try to apologize to Beth, she stands there and fumes, wiping the blood off her nose and lips, then finally turns to face him and after a moment's consieration takes him down to the ground and starts PUMMELING HIM. Santino runs away in terror and looks on from the top of the ramp as we throw to a promo package for the double Championship Scrambles coming up at Unforgiven and a commercial break. When we come back it's a video package from April 23, 1989 pitting Mr. Perfect against Bret Hart, which is of course a plug to order WWE 24/7. The match that night was a draw, but it would be one of many epic confrontations between the two men. Lawler and Cole pimp the service extra hard when we come back to the broadcast booth, then remind us that Kane v. Batista will be up later in the show. Carlito's music hits... oh dear, this has WrestleCrap written all over it.

* Charlito v. Primo Colon

"My name is Char-lito! I spit in the face of people, who look like mules." Charlie Haas takes a bite out of the apple and munches on it for a good long time for the inset video, while the actual Charlito in the ring shows off his afro wig and Carlito t-shirt. Primo Colon seems less than amused when his music hits and he comes out to the ring. Charlito slaps Primo in the face, but Primo gives him a headscissor in response. Charlie Haas hits a running knee and a hard clothesline for two, and his afro glue never comes off - either that or he's got a really good invisible chinstrap. Cole actually gets in a good line when he says Haas looks like a cross between Carlito and Robert Downey Jr. from "Tropic Thunder." Charlito goes for the apple when he thinks he's got Primo beat, but Primo punches it right out of his mouth, follows up with a dropkick to his head, monkeyflips him across the ring but misses an elbow splash in the corner. Nonetheless he knocks Haas down and hits a flying crossbody which knocks off Charlito's wig at last. UNO, DOS, TRES. YOUR WINNER: PRIMO COLON! Meanwhile Shawn is walking slowly backstage, a steely cold look in his eyes, and this leads us to the break.

We come back with a video package narrated by Jericho, putting over the fact that what happened to Rebecca at SummerSlam was Shawn's fault for being so much of an egomaniac he had to come out for one last bow instead of just sending in a letter of resignation, on top of dragging his wife to the ring with him for the announcement. It's that unrepentant arrogance of Jericho for what he did to Rebecca that makes such a hot angle even hotter. THIS NEEDS TO BE A WRESTLEMANIA MATCH, NOT A MATCH AT UNFORGIVEN. Man they are giving away money these days at almost TNA-riffic levels.

Shawn's music hits and he makes he way to the ring to unabashed approval from the crowd. He takes times to pause and let the crowd chants build before pulling up the mic, showing emotional distress the whole while. "First off, to everyone that has asked about Rebecca, I just want to let them know that she's hurt. After being married to me for ten years though, she's tough, and she's gonna be okay. Last week I went home to take care of my wife and children. I really tried, to look at this like a rational human being. I tried to tell myself it's all an accident, that Chris Jericho didn't mean to hit my wife. We sat down to watch Raw, and I watched as Jericho came in this ring and blamed me, blamed all of you, and showed ab-absolutely no remorse for what he had done. You want to know why I didn't send in a letter of resignation, it's because I HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO COME OUT HERE, AND TELL THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED ME FOR 20 YEARS thank you. The thing is I didn't realize, that coming out here and saying goodbye for the last time was gonna be so hard. And that's why I had my wife Rebecca with me, to lift me up and support me like she's done for 10 years. What did she get for that - she got punched right in the face. We sat there watching Jericho, AND HE PRACTICALLY BLAMED HER FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED." Loud H-B-K chants fill the building. "That's when I turned to her, and I looked into her eyes, and I knew... I knew, that I was not going anywhere!" Thunderous cheers of approval from the crowd.

Loud boos as Jericho suddenly pops up on the Titantron to interrupt, and quickly chants of "YOU SUCK" fill the building. "Shawn, you're a very lucky man. You're lucky I'm at the studio and not in the arena. You're lucky I was asked not to be there because people are afraid of what I'd do to you. The last time we faced I destroyed you, I literally tore you apart. If we faced each other again you wouldn't leave that ring at all. Then again I see through you, I know how conniving and calculating you are. You want me in this match is so you can sue me, so everyone, bring this company down..." and Shawn interrupts. "THE REASON I WANT THIS MATCH, is because if I do to you what I want, they'll throw me in jail! But in this ring, in this ring, I can legally do whatever I want. I'll do whatever it takes Chris. I'll sign anything, any waiver, a hold harmless agreement. No constrictions, no liabilities. I don't want anybody held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you, except me." Jericho scoffs. "Go look at yourself in the mirror, try to see out of that damaged eye, or look at your poor pretty wife's swollen face. Shawn if I accept this match forget about your career, think about your entire life..." and Shawn interrupts again. "ARE YOU GONNA ACCEPT THIS MATCH, or confirm what I already know - my wife is tougher than you!" Jericho: "Okay, I accept. But do not allow your wife and precious children to watch, because they'll be horrified if they do. In two weeks at the aptly named Unforgiven..." and Shawn interrupts again. "YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD UNFORGIVEN! I will never forgive you. I don't want to pin you to the mat, and I don't want to steal the show, I have one and only one thing in mind... an eye, for an eye." They glare at each other and we go to break.

* SIMPLY PRICELESS (DiBiase & Rhodes) {C} v. Jerry Lawler & Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Non-Title)

We're shown a video package of Cryme Tyme stealing the belts on Raw last week. Oh great, if Lawler's in the ring, that means Cole will be doing commentary all by himself. That's going to make for fine TV. Hacksaw taps his lumber on the steel steps as he makes his way into the ring, as we go to a video package of Cody Rhodes making fun of The King and his slap in response. Lawler and DiBiase start things off. Lawler gets the heat with a high back bodydrop and DiBiase clutches at the small of his back. DiBiase pushes Lawler into the ropes and gives some cheap shots, but Lawler anticipates his next punch after a whip and gives him one in return. DiBiase tags out to Rhodes though and Rhodes gives him a hard snapmare into a chinhold. Duggan exhorts the crowd to chant U-S-A! U-S-A! YOU'RE-SHTICK'S-GAY! Okay everything except the last part. Lawler takes a beating for a bit, pulls down the strap like he's going to make his comeback, Rhodes tags out to save himself and that just leaves DiBiase vulnerable when Lawler makes the hot tag to Duggan. Shoulder tackle, clothesline, near fall. Lawler hits the ring to help clear out Rhodes but DiBiase gets the side russian legsweep on Duggan and makes the pinfall. WINNERS: SIMPLY PRICELESS~!

Rhodes hits the announce table for a mic. "Cryme Tyme, I hope you hoodlums were watching! You stole our belts, you commited a crime. The last time I checked, in WWE you don't steal championships, you win them... and that's something you two punks can never do." Cryme Tyme's music hits, but instead of coming out to the ramp they're IN THE UPPER DECK WITH THE BELTS. "Aiyyo, I'm Shad Gaspard, he's J-T-Gizzle, and I don't know if you pretty boys noticed or not but collectively, we are Cryme Tyme." JTG: "Which means, don't do the crime, if you're not willing to do the time. We are, and we think it's about time you put these belts up. We borrowed them because you're not giving us what we want, which is a tag team title match at Unforgiven!" DiBiase: "Why can't you act like normal people and go through the proper channels. You two delinquents have no idea what you're getting yourselves into. You know what, at Unforgiven, you've got your shot! But know this, we're going to take back far more than what you stole from us, and trust me it will be PRICELESS." Shad: "Silly white boy, don't you know nothing comes without a price, especially when you steal... no borrow the belts, because it will always be about that MONEY, MONEY - YEAH, YEAH." The crowd sings along and the champs freak out in the ring as we go to break. We come back with an on-screen graphic explaining the rules of the Scramble, then go to Todd Grisham backstage with Batista.

Grisham: "Just want to get your thoughts on your huge match tonight with Kane." Dave: "I've got to say something first about Cena. That SummerSlam match, one of the toughest of my career. We both came out banged up. John lives by three words - hustle, loyalty, and respect. I have nothing but respect for that man, and I hope his surgery is successful and he comes back soon. As for that sick twisted freak Kane, I know he's one of my opponents in the Scramble, where I will win back my title, but tonight it's not about titles - it's personal."

* Santino Marella {C} v. Kofi Kingston (Intercontinental Championship Match)

Santino comes out first, preening and strutting, and Kofi comes out to the usual straings of "S.O.S." The ref holds up the belt, starts the match, and Kofi immediately tries to roll up Santino for a near fall. Kofi tries to work on the left arm but Santino escapes and goes for a headlock. Kofi gets free, Santino hits a shoulder tackle, but Kofi leaps up and hits his head to knock him down, goes for a cover, then tries to work that arm again. Santino escapes but gets monkeyflipped and speared for his trouble, then jacked with an uppercut for a near fall. Santino tries to reverse a whip, Kingston leaps off with a crossbody, but Santino successfully ducks it and gets the heat, working over Kofi at will as the crowd murmurs quietly. Santino riles them up by putting Kofi in an ab stretch and screaming "REFEREE RING THE BELL." His mouth can make a match! Leg sweep by Santino and Kofi is all fired up for his comeback, running around in circles before his BO! BO! BOOYAKA SHOT! legdrop. Santino tries to flee the ring to get the countout, but Beth comes down and tells Santino to get back in the ring, then trips Kofi's leg when the ref isn't looking and yells at Marella to make the cover, which he does! WINNER AND STILL IC CHAMP: SANTINO MARELLA.

On the replay we see that her trip caused Kofi's head to smack Santino's knee. Beth gets in the ring, he backs away like she's going to hurt him again, then she pushes him all the way into the turnbuckle before grabbing his face and planting one on him! "You're not mad!!" Beth smiles evilly at him. Santino is so overjoyed he turns her around and attempts to plant one on her in return, which she seems a little LESS happy about than he is. He follows her out of the ring like a little puppy dog on a leash as we go to commercial break for a jamocha shake. When we return Cole throws to Josh Matthews in Denver at the DNC, which is a perfect excuse for me to fast forward, particularly when Howard Dean's on my screen. Ugh.

When we come back Adamle is at the top of the ramp to make his big announcement. "He himself, a former world heavyweight champion, his name... Rey Mysterio!" That's your big replacement in the Scramble Match at Unforgiven. Lawler acts as shocked about this announcement as he possibly can, before he and Cole run down the card, with Cole once again touting the awful line that we can "practically GUARANTEE a title change." You know, I have never once paid for a UFC PPV where a title change was "practically guaranteed" - it's the unpredictability of whether the champ will retain or whether the challenger will upset him that makes them worth paying for! Commercial.

* Dave Batista v. The Big Red Machine

Dave comes out first, followed by Kane entering to the new-music-same-as-the-old-music remix. The ref calls for the bell and we're underway! After a lockup Batista pushes him into the corner and the ref calls for the clean break. Kane throws Batista into the ropes and knocks him down with a shoulder. Kane tries to shoot in for a single leg takedown (seriously) and then grounds Big Dave with an arm behind his back. Batista counters out and tosses Kane looking for a pinfall, but Kane stands up and throws Dave into the corner. Dave responds with a tackle that knocks Kane down then goes to work on Kane's left arm. Kane drops to one knee trying to escape but Batista pulls him into a possible rear naked choke. I don't think the crowd understands the MMA style match they're working here, but then again this crowd has been deathly quiet during a lot of tonight's matches. Batista Bomb attempt is blocked, Kane is clotheslined over the ropes to the floor, and he starts tossing steel steps and chairs at ringside as we go to commercial.

When we come back we get footage of action during the break where Kane started to work over Batista's left knee and leg, and he's getting the heat as Batista manages to get to the ropes and the ref calls for a break. Lawler notes that Kane was hoping to hyperextend the knee as we get a scrolling reminder at the bottom of the screen that an encore of Raw will air on USA Network tonight at 11 PM EST, 10 CST. Kane boots Batista in the head then drags his carcass to the middle of the ring for a nearl fall, then goes back to work on his leg. "ASK HIM MIKE." Mike Chioda does not find Batista willing to submit, in fact, he powers out and tries to get free. Kane boots the leg again and Batista falls out to the floor, stumbling towards the steel steps. Kane throws the leg knee first into the steps then rolls back into the ring to break the count.

Everytime Batista starts a comeback, Kane clips, hits or kicks the injured leg again. The crowd is finally starting to chant "Ba-ti-stah, Ba-ti-stah" now and then to try and get him back into the match. Batista tries to counter into an armbar but Kane gets a foot on the ropes for a break. Maybe it's just me or maybe it's the lack of heat in the building but this match seems to be dragging on and on. Batista finally explodes with a clothesline and hopefully this is the go home. On one leg he tries to boot Kane in the face. Kane hopes to finish him off but Batista manages to hulk up and get Kane in the air for a slam. Kane charges him in the corner and Batista hits a drop toe hold, then gets a rush of adrenaline and starts charing him in the corner. Kane goozles him for a chokeslam, Dave fights out with elbows and hits a spinebuster! He hobbles over to Kane, puts him in position for a Demon Bomb, and Kane chops that leg again. Kane throws Big Dave's leg into the ringpost then goes outside for a steel chair, smashing the chair into the knee making a metal sandwich, and the ref calls for the bell. BATISTA WINS BY DISQUALIFICATION.

Batista gets his revenge after the match is over by grabbing the chair and whacking Kane with it over and over in the ring, then pulling Kane's leg out to the the steel ring post and doing the same thing Kane had just done to him over and over until he can stand no more and collapses. Kane glares at Batista in pain, Batista puts his hand over his face in pain on the floor, Cole questions what this all means for the Championship Scramble in two weeks, and that's how we go off the air.