After nearly 5 months off....FINALLY...THA PIMP HAS COME BACK TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!! It's good to be back.
The show opens with a black-and-white of "Killer" Kowalski, who passed away this past week. Classy move by Vince and Co. We jump right to that goddamned Bowflex commercial (seriously...get some new shit) and a few others before hitting the first segment.
Back from break, and from St. Louis....RAW.....IS......RKO!!! He comes out with his left arm in a sling and looks like he really wants to piss the crowd off, which would be nothing new.
Orton, after a pensive pause: "First off, as you can tell, I'm still injured. I didn't want to come back until I was 100% but there is something I want to get off my chest."
He goes on to say he believes a brand is only as strong as its champions, and that RAW was the strongest brand in the WWE when he was the champion. He says that RAW is now only a joke. He cites Burt Phoenix's crush on Marella as an example of the sort of shit he can't stand about the show these days. He says she's running around like a lovesick teenager, and she's in love with the weakest Intercontinental Champion in WWE history. He says he could beat Marella even WITH a broken clavicle.
Oh, he's not finished either. Rhodes and Dibiase get the benefit of his ire too. He runs them down for letting a couple of thugs steal their belts. The crowd is loving Randy for this. That don't last long, though.
He turns to CM Punk next, claiming he's disgracing the World Heavyweight Championship, and now the crowd is shitting on him. He shits on the entire Money In The Bank gimmick by claiming CM Punk's journey down that road to the title was a shortcut. He says he'd love to teach Punk a thing or two about how to really win a title, but he's not medically cleared. We get a promise from RKO that he WILL be back soon to fix this problem. He goes on to say that he will eradicate RAW of the problem that is CM Punk, and guess what happens next?
Yep! Punk is out to address his latest critic (of which there seem to be many). He gets nose to nose with Orton...well, sort of....Orton is about 4 inches taller. He says he has a headache from listening to him talk. He shits on Orton for riding the Generation Train to the top, and claims that HE had to work hard to get where he is. Punk then says that regardless of how he got to where he is, he IS the World Heavyweight Champion. He then shoots on Orton fucking around on a motorcycle and screwing up his own career. Punk said he went from The Age of Orton to a complete afterthought. He then throws out the "J" word (jealousy).
Orton blows his stack on this, but Punk cuts him off in short order. He says he's moving on from this conversation for now because he has other shit to do...namely a Battle Royale later in the show. He says he'll show Orton who the joke is and that Orton needs to get a clue. Orton says he's perfectly fine with continuing this conversation at a later time, then steps out of the ring. As he makes his way up the ramp backward, Punk says they WILL talk later. He's about to say some other shit when Fox News Financial Advisor John "Bradshaw" Layfield decides to crash the party, and dressed for work at that. There's actually a total douche in the crowd dressed like JBL (suit and Stetson).
Bradshaw tells CM Punk YET AGAIN that his Cinderella story is about to meet its midnight appointment with destruction. BLAHBLAHBLAH same shit we've been hearing for the past 3 months. How many MOTHERFUCKING TIMES does Punk have to beat him before he goes on to something else?!?!?! Seriously. Anyway, Kane comes out to his new Joe Bob Briggs Monstervision music to weigh in on this conversation. I guess we're going to be treated to all parties in the Championship Scramble before this segment is over.
Kane says he's been to hell and has never seen Bradshaw's "Clothesline From Hell," but he DID see Rey Mysterio there. He's made sure that Rey will NOT be in the building tonight, at Unforgiven, or ever again for that matter. He starts to say some other shit, but he's interrupted by.....yep. Batista. He walks alone!!!
Dave: Well, nothing actually. A man of few words tonight, he drops his mic without a word and fucks up EVERYONE in the ring. Spears for Punk, Kane AND Bradshaw. He leaves the ring the same way he entered: without a single word. He flexes at the top of the ramp as we go to break.
Back from break, and Cole and King put over the aforementioned Battle Royale, along with a special ECW Battle Royale between THEIR Scramble participants.
That accomplished, we are treated to the entrance music of.....JOHN CENA?!?! Uh...okay. Apparently Charlie Haas wants to impersonate HIM tonight. Last week it was Carlito. I have to admit...this is pretty funny. He affects many of the mannerisms that make Cena who he is, cuts a brief promo about how THA HAAS...IS HEAH, and awaits the entrance of Kofi Kingston.
MATCH: CHARLIE HAAS AS JOHN CENA V. KOFI KINGSTON Kofi takes control early, working Haas over with acrobatics and a couple of rights in the corner. Haas floors him with a right and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. This doesn't happen, as he eats a long series of aerial offensive moves from Kingston.
He comes back with a kick to Kingston's jaw and tries for an FU. A series of switched rollups and Kofi comes up with a kick to Haas' face and the pin.
WINNER: KOFI KINGSTON
Cole tells us HBK and Jericho will be in the same ring tonight for the first time since Jericho decked Rebecca Michaels, because they are going to sign the legal documents for their unsanctioned match at Unforgiven. Uh...if there are legal documents to sign, how exactly is this match UNSANCTIONED? Anyway. Breaktime.
Back from break, and RKO is still hanging around. Rhodes and Dibiase confront him backstage about his comments that they are "worthless." They talk about how they can't be worthless if they are world tag champs. Orton goes, "Remember how I slapped your dad the first time we ever met?" Rhodes goes, "Yeah!" Orton then proceeds to slap the living piss out of Cody. Cody makes like he wants some, but Ted holds him back. Orton then lectures them on how talented they are, yet they're pussing out to everyone in the lockerroom. He tells them to either grow a set or keep taking public criticism from him. He then walks off.
Mike Adamle talks to Teddy Long and Tiffany backstage. He thanks them for being here, and Tiffany says not many men can pull off stripes and checks at the same time, alluding to his tacky-ass tie/shirt combo. Anyway, he says that having an ECW battle royale on the RAW show could be a harbinger of things to come between the two brands. He says they can start a Labor Day tradition sort of like the Jerry Lewis telethon, only without the sick kids. Teddy is just about to take offense to this when Kane barges in to take Adamle to task for claiming that Mysterio will be back.
Adamle backpedals by saying he was only sending a message to Rey that he's wanted and needed on Raw and was hoping he'd show up. Kane maniacally laughs and says that Adamle should hope that Rey's body was ONLY massacred, but he can keep hoping all he wants. Back to the ring.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP SCRAMBLE BATTLE ROYALE Matt Hardy is out first, followed by Chavo (who is accompanied by Bam Neely) and Finlay (w/Little Bastard). We go to break at this point.
Back from break, and The Miz is out next, followed by ECW Champion Mark Henry (accompanied by Tony Atlas).
Everybody starts the match by attacking Henry. He throws them all off at once and then addresses each one individually. Miz and Hardy double-DDT him, then everyone takes turns elbow dropping him before turning on each other. Finlay slams Chavo on top of Henry. Finlay nearly goes over courtesy of Miz, but he hangs on. Hardy gives Miz a Side Effect, then throws him over. He, too, hangs on and rolls back in. Chavo then tries to throw Miz over, but Henry dumps them both over the top. Henry then attacks Finlay and Hardy. He knocks them both down, then turns his sole attention to Finlay while the crowd chants, "Hardy! Hardy!"
Hardy comes back on Henry, beating on him in the corner. Finlay spears Henry in the corner, then he and Hardy try to dump him over. Nothing doing. Henry dumps Finlay over, but Hardy goes to work on him. Hardy tries a Twist of Fate on him, but Henry picks him put and reverse-lawn-darts him over the ropes to the floor. This virtually guarantees Hardy will be winning the title on Sunday.
WINNER: ECW CHAMPION MARK HENRY
Breaktime.
Back from break, and Jericho is backstage with Cade and a lawyer, and he is wearing an UGLY-ASS pinstripe suit. Jericho, not the lawyer. Back to the ring.
Jamie Noble is out with a microphone. He's calling out Layla in one last attempt to prove his worth to her. He's cut off in short order by none other than YOUR 2008 King of the Ring!!!
MATCH: JAMIE NOBLE V. WILLIAM REGAL Layla is ringside and looking MIGHTY FINE. Regal goes to work early on Noble, throwing him around the ring and working him STIFF. He clamps on a full nelson, but Noble stomps and elbows his way out. They trade sit-down pin attempts, then Regal drops him with a STIFF left hand.
Regal is really handing it to him with lefts and boots to the head. He then hits a full-nelson/facebuster suplex combo. Regal approaches Noble with thoughtful sadism, which gives Noble the opportunity to roll him up for the pin.
WINNER: JAMIE NOBLE
Layla looks DAMNED surprised (I know I am!) and goes over to congratulate Jamie. They walk off together.
Mickie James and Kelly Squared are shown conversing backstage in wrestling gear as we go to break.
Back from break, and OH DEAR SWEET JESUS Jillian is in the ring for a song. She kicks a cat-in-the-blender rendition of Nelly's "Hot In Here" until Mickie interrupts her (THANK GOD). Kelly follows her out, and she's wearing some camouflaged bikini bottoms attached to partial black leggings. She looks like a Veteran's Administration hooker. Not that I'm complaining! Burt Phoenix is out next.
DIVA TAG MATCH Before the match, Burt has a few choice words for Randy Orton. She says she's the most beautiful and talented diva ever to set foot in a WWE ring, She's about to continue patting herself on the back when she's interrupted by.....CANDICE MICHELLE!!! DAMN. This show keeps getting stranger by the moment. This is now a SIX-DIVA tag match, as the heels have Katie Lea now.
Katie and Kelly start out, and Kelly takes the early offense. Mickie tags in and hits a Thesz Press from the top rope. She works Katie over and gets a near-fall. Katie comes back and gets control of Mickie. She taks in Jillian and they work her over in their corner. She mounts a brief comeback, but Burt tags in and regains control for the heels.
Burt works Mickie over and scores a near-fall. She works Mickie back to her corner and the others take turns pulling her hair while she distracts the ref. Katie tags in next and continues to work on Mickie. Jillian tags in and Katie tries to whip her into Mickie in the corner. However, Mickie mounts a comeback and hits Jillian with a neckbreaker. Burt tags in at the same time as Candice.
Candice comes in on fire and hits Burt with a move I can't even describe. It was sort of a headscissors facebuster that flipped Burt completely over. It was WICKED. Candice goes to the top rope and the heels try to knock her off, but her teammates come around on the floor to stop that shit. She hits a crossbody on Burt, but Burt catches her in midair and tries to set her up for her finisher, but Candice rolls off, rolls Burt up in a tight package, and scores the win.
WINNERS: MICKIE/KELLY/CANDICE
We get a video recap of the Michaels/Jericho feud before we go to break.
Back from break, and Santino The Unibrow is out. He calls Randy Orton a "sunnamagun." He says he's going to prove him wrong about "Glamerella." He introduces "The Honk-A-Meter," pointing out that Honkey Tonk Man was IC champ for 64 weeks. He says he only has 62 more weeks to go to match that record, and then he'll be the greatest IC champion in history. Great. His ambition is to be the best mid-carder of all-time. Most people would like the idea of challenging for a REAL title.
MATCH: IC CHAMPION SANTINO MARELLA V D'LO BROWN Marella works on Brown early in the corner. Brown slaps him, then gives him a dropkick and a clothesline in the corner. 2 count. D'Lo keeps working him over in the corner. Marella tries a dropkick of his own but hits empty air. D'Lo hits Shining Wizard, then goes to the top and misses with a Frogsplash. Santino seals the deal with the win. Cole calls it a "surprise" win, despite the fact that Marella is the champion in the match.
WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA
I sincerely hope this angle doesn't go the whole 62 weeks.
Shawn Michaels is shown backstage with HIS lawyer as we go to break.
Back from break, and Miz and Morrison are out. Why, I don't know. We've already seen Miz wrestle once tonight. Oh. They're taking on Cryme Tyme, who come out with the World Tag Titles (which don't belong to them).
MATCH: MIZ/MORRISON V CRYME TYME Miz and Morrison meet them at the foot of the ramp and attack them ALMOST simultaneously. Miz was a little behind on his cue. They brawl until Dibiase and Rhodes show up to join the beatdown. They take out Cryme Tyme, DDT them on the tag belts, then take them back.
NO CONTEST
Breaktime.
Back from break, and the tag champs again meet Orton backstage. They show him that they have reclaimed their belts, then walk away. Orton gives them a look of approval and continues to walk on his merry way. I am LOVING how Orton has completely flipped RAW on its ear just by showing up and shooting on a few of its stars.
We get coverage of Kennedy and Mickie (who looks fucking HOT in that pink boob-hugging blouse she's wearing) at the Democratic National Convention. Josh Matthews interviews them. I'm not a Democrat, so I'm not covering the specifics here.
Back to the set of RAW, and Todd has Batista backstage. He asks Big Dave what his gameplan is. Batista, a man of few words tonight, says his gameplan is to destroy EVERYONE. He walks off.
Cole and King put over the THREE Championship Scramble matches at Unforgiven on Sunday, then we're back to the ring for Batista's entrance. His pyro is STILL fucking sweet.
RAW CHAMPIONSHIP SCRAMBLE BATTLE ROYALE Batista is followed out by Bradshaw, and we go to break.
Back from break, and Orton has come out to sit ringside for the match. CM Punk comes out next for this match, and Orton stands to let Punk know he's lurking. Kane is out to his shitty B-movie horror music, and there is no Rey Mysterio.
Bradshaw and Kane try to team up on Batista early, but he makes them both pay with spinebusters and clotheslines. Punk gets his fair share of Big Dave too. Dave tries to dump Punk over, but he gets kicked off. Batista with a spinebuster on Punk. He tries for a Demon Bomb, but Kane hits him with a Big Boot. Punk dumps Batista over the top rope! Wow! He can't believe it either. He stares at Batista in awe while Bradshaw stalks him. He gives boots to Kane and Punk, then charges Punk. Punk lowbridges him over the top rope and JBL is out!!!
Kane slowly stalks him and Punk backpeddles. He then goes to his kicks and fists, but Kane evens the score with an uppercut. Kane works Punk over in the corner, then whips him to the opposite one and follows with a clothesline. Kane then tries to dump Punk over, and we're expected to believe that a 300+ lb. man who stands 6"10 can't benchpress a 5"9 204 lb. man over the rope.
Punk comes back with some spunk and does his high knees on Kane. Kane responds by whipping him off the ropes and hitting a Big Boot. Punk comes back and lifts Kane off his feet. Kane rolls off and tries to throw Punk over. Punk holds on and rolls back in. He comes off the top rope and Kane catches him into a chokeslam. Kane lifts him up and hurls him over the rope for the win.
WINNER: KANE
Punk and Orton come nose-to-nose again as Orton taunts him. Punk dumps water in his face and as they start to go to blows, Rey Mysterio's music hits! Rey comes running out and attacks Kane in the ring!!!
Rey is really handing it to Kane. He drop-toe holds him into the 619 position, but Kane rolls out of the ring. Rey baseball slides him through the ropes, then goes out on the apron. Kane catches him in midair and tries a powerbomb, but Rey rolls off and sends Kane face-first into the ringpost. Rey goes back out on the apron and uses the ringpost to hit 619!!! Kane tries to chokeslam him, but Rey touches his feet on the guardrail and hits a hurricanrana to send Kane flying over the guard rail!!! Rey rolls back in the ring and celebrates on the top turnbuckle as we go to break.
Back from break, and we get ANOTHER video recap of Jericho going all Ike Turner on Rebecca Michaels. Jericho comes out next for this little shindig.
King announces that he's been selected to moderate this meeting, which almost guarantees he's eating a fist or something before this is over. He brings out HBK next. Michaels saunters out and again eschews his trademark dancing and flexing. He's all business tonight. He's still not your boytoy, though. Jericho refuses to make eye contact with him. Michaels is staring daggers through him though.
King points out that the lawyers have had their say and that security is surrounding the ring. He says that Adamle has decreed that if there is any rough stuff between Michaels and Jericho tonight, the match at Unforgiven (you know, the unsanctioned one) will be called off. How can you call off something that isn't even sanctioned in the first place?!
Jericho signs the contract, still refusing to look at Michaels. HBK signs it while continuing to stare at Jericho. King says that this went all simple and tries to wrap up the show.
Jericho interrupts him and asks why Michaels needed security. He still refuses to look at him. Michaels says it's not his security, and he'd rather it just be the two of them. Jericho dismisses security, the lawyers, and Jerry Lawler.
Jericho then addresses the comments Michaels made about him telling his family that he'll never be HBK. He says he did that, adding that he could never be the egotistical blahblahblah that Michaels is, then says he forbade them to watch Unforgiven because he doesn't want them to see what he's going to do to him. Jericho then makes eye contact for the first time and tells Michaels that he's going to end his career for the first time. He's going to put him out of his misery just as Michaels said he would do to Ric Flair at Wrestlemania. He's going to finish him off forever, and the crowd tells him he sucks.
HBK gets nose-to-nose with Jericho and says he's glad his kids won't be watching this Sunday. He won't let his kids watch either. He says someday he'll tell his kids that he was >< this close to walking away, and although turning the other cheek is a virtue, sometimes you have to look evil in the eye and deal with it. He says that he'll rain down on Jericho at Unforgiven. He says he'll never apologize for the man he is or the man he's been, and he'll have no regrets for what he does to Jericho at Unforgiven. He says that's an appropriate name for the ppv, because he'll never forgive Jericho for what he's done to him. He only hopes God will forgive him someday for what he does to Jericho.
They slowly rise to their feet, and HBK takes off his jacket. Michaels steps toward Jericho, then whirls around and decks Cade, who was sneaking up behind him. Nice camera work there, because I didn't see that coming. Jericho sneaks around to the ring apron, and Michaels leaps out of the ring at him and instead lands square on his head on the floor. Jericho retreats up the ramp and Michaels rolls back in to work Cade over some more. Michaels and Jericho stare at each other as we fade to black.
Who will prevail in their Unsanctioned Grudge Match at Unforgiven? Tune in to ANGRYMARKSDOTCOM for the live recap on Sunday and find out!!!