05/04/09: Killa Kev's WWE Raw Recap


Date: 05/04 8:00 PM
Views: 3,213

Written by Killa Kev

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We start with a recap of last week's Raw, Randy Orton came to declare his latest incarnation of the "Reign of Orton" as the new WWE Champion, until WWE United States Champion Montel Vontaveous Porter interrupted, which lead to a match between the two. Of course, MVP couldn't get a fare shake as SHANE F'N MCMAHON runs in with a kendo to beat up Orton, then escape to the top of the arena, completely fucking over MVP's opportunity to step up. 

Michael Cole introduces us to the show from Buffalo, NY and says, "... 16,2500 are anxiously anticipating Shane McMahon versus Randy Orton!" To quote Jim Ross, "IN MY ASS!" I'm calling shenannigans on that one. 

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. WWE Executive Vice-President Shane McMahon (non-title match)

Yeah, I titled this match like this on purpose - doesn't it sound a little bit ridculous now that a CORPORATE OFFICER of a company is fighting an subordinate employee? Would Dana White fight Brock Lesnar? Would Rodger Goodell fight Terrell Owens? That's how retarded this is. Then again, T.O. never threated to beat up the NFL commissioner's grandchildern.

Randy Orton comes out and wait for Shane McMahon's entrance, leaning over the ropes and looking towards the entrance ramp as his music plays. But McMahon ambushes Orton from behind, coming out of the crowd! Action quickly spills out of the ring and into the crowd, McMahon holding most of the upper-hand, Orton getting in a few shots on occasion. McMahon works the action back to the ring, throwing Orton over the barrier, then climbing on top and hitting Orton with a lariat. McMahon pulls the top off the announcer's table, lays Orton out, climbs back in the ring... climbing the turnbuckle... Jerry Lawler questions if this match even officially started.

Legacy attacks, DiBiase and Rhodes  blindsinding the officer, hemming him up and holding him back for Orton to attack. Montel Vontaveous Porter with a run-in to break it up, but he gets outnumbered aswell, Orton holding MVP in a front face lock as Rhodes and DiBiase kick him into submission, then dispose of him over the top rope. DiBiase puts McMahon in an armbar as Orton kicks his guts out. Dave Batista runs out, clotheslines on Rhodes, clothesline on DiBiase, Spear on Rhodes, Randy Orton quickly bails out.

Vickie Guerrero quickly runs out with a mic. "I Vickie Guerrero, General Manager on Raw... I, Vickie Guerrero, General Manager on Raw! And my main event will not be jeopardized! Later on tonight Shane McMahon WILL face Randy Orton! And since everybody wants to get involved, let's make this legal! Tonight you will compete against Ted DiBiase. MVP... MVP, you will compete against Cody Rhodes! Whoever wins their match can legally join either Shane or Orton in their match. It's simple, gentlemen, WIN AND YOU'RE IN!"

OK, so I guess that wasn't the opening match. Strange. We take a commercial. 

Matt Hardy vs. Kofi Kingston

Hardly slowly walks out to his introduction, favoring his right hand, still in a cast, fussing with the fans about it. Michael Cole suggests that there are rumors that Hardy's hand isn't broken at all, but is confirming that the hand is injured somehow. Jerry Lawler doesn't think it is fair that Hardy should wrestle injured, and thinks Hardy is under "genuine pain".

Hardy takes a mic and protests before the match. "Everybody knows that Jeff Hardy broke my second metacarpal in three places, and I should not be wrestling tonight! Therefore, I have filed a formal complaint to the appropriate authorities because I'm being forced to wrestle with a broken hand. I am wrestling under protest!" 

We get a bell, Kingston quickly with an armbar into a hammer lock, Hardy ets to the ropes and referee Charles Robinson gets a clean break. Another lock-up, Hardy with the armbar, pull of the hair for a takedown, Kingston pops right up, clubs the cast and Hardy breaks off, rolls out of the ring, holding the cast. Kingston chases him around the ring, they get back in, Hardy tries to poke Kingston in the eys, Kingston gives him a clothesline for his troubles, Hardy begs off into the corner, sucks Kingston in and pulls him into the turnbuckle by the tights, but Kingston with a snappy roll-up for a rebuttal, getting a two count. 

Kingston headbutts Hardy into the corner, leaps on the turnbuckle for a quick cross body block, Hardy ducks it then starts kicking Kinston in the ribs to slow him down. Hardy puts Kingston on his shoulders and hangs him up over the ropes, further bruising the ribs. Hardy with a sloppy cover that gets him only a two count. Hardy sets up Kingston for a snap suplex, executes, floats over for the cover, two count. Hardy goes for the delayed vertical suplex, Kingston actually knees him in the head several times to break it, both men fall to the mat. Hardy tries for a kick to the midsection, Kingston blocks it, lays in a punch and a dropkick. Hardy tries for a wild swing, Kofki ducks it, rebounds off the turnbuckles for a cross body block, another cross body block off the ropes, then the double leg drop, Kingston covers, two count. Kingston whips Hardy into the ropes, Hardy reverses,  Kingston ducks a clothesline, turns around and nails the Trouble in Paradise windmill kick, Hardy goes down, Kingston covers and picks up the win.

WINNER: Kofi Kingston. Lawler thinks this win shouldn't count. Hardy gets to his feet as Kingston is celebrating on the turnbuckles, Kingston leaps down and Hardy uses the cast to blindside Kingston with a head shot, KOs him. Referee forces him out and the fans start a "YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!" chant. Break time.

We come back and Santino marella is talking to Kelly Kelly, and suggests that Santina Marella can't be on Raw this week because Vickie Guerrero breathed on her and gave her Swine Flu, then suggested that Vickie Guerrero is a pig. *ROFL* That was great! Chavo Guerrero walks up and takes offense and says, "I don't know if you've noticed, but there's some new management around here. So here's some advice, don't offend either my aunt or me!" Santino Marella replies with the FUNNIEST FUCKING COMMENT OF ALL-TIME! 

"I am-ah so sorry for my comments, and I apologise. Please convey these comments to your aunt. SHOOOOWEEEEEEEEE!! OINK OINK OINK OINK OINK!"  Marella actually pins his nose back while saying this! He then walks off the camera posing off his muscles! CLASSIC!

Big Show walks in on WWE Raw GM Vickie Guerrero in her office, is upset that John Cena interrupted his match last week and cost him his title shot, he wants Cena TONIGHT! Guerrero says that the doctors won't clear Cena for two weeks thanks to Big Show throwing him through a f'n searchlight, but she'll give him Cena at the Judgement Day PPV. 

Elsewhere, the Bella Twins walk up to MVP and start drooling over him, rubbing him all over, and ask if he wants to go out with the both of them tonight. MVP is down with it, but first he's gotta go win his match, he walks off. DAMN! They just dropped the Colons like a bad habit! To quote Shane Helms, "WHATUPWITDAT!?" 

Win and You're In Match: WWE United States Champion Montel Vontaveous Porter vs. Cody Rhodes (non-title match)

2008 King of the Ring & former WWE Intercontinental Champion William Regal is out for commentary, bitching about how he's not even invited to a tournament match on SmackDown. 

We start out with MVP locking Rhodes in a side headlock, whip off the ropes, reersal, MVP ducks it, clothesline, jack knife into a pin attempt that Rhodes escapes. Rhodes stiffs MVP with a forearm shot, MVP gives one back, Rhodes with a drop toe hold and MVP counters with a side headlock. Rhodes shoots him off the ropes, MVP with a shoulder block, off the ropes again and Rhodes plants a knee into the inside of MVP's thigh to slow him down. Rhodes with a few punches to the head, then picks up a leg and lays in a few elbow drops to the inside of the left knee, holds it into a leg lock and punches MVP in the face a few times. Rhodes with a toehold, MVP is able to reach over and club him in the head until he breaks. 

MVP fires off some shots to the midsection, Rhodes backs up and charges MVP in the corner, MVP with some forearm shots and punches, whips Rhodes into the ropes, Rhodes ducks a clohtesline but MVP counters with a overhead realease belly-to-belly suplex. MVP with a body slam, hits the BALLIN~! elbow drop, Rhodes rolls out of the ring. MVP goes out to chase him, throws Rhodes back in, William Regal stans up and clips MVP's injured knee from behind as MVP gets on the apron to get back into the ring. Referee counts MVP out. 

WINNER: Cody Rhodes, by countout. Rhodes raises his hand and then quickly bails to the back. Regals looks down on MVP with disdain, MVP shoots dirty looks back to him. 

The WWE SmackDown "Slam of the Week", sponsored by Subway, is Cryme Tyme sponsoring a "Brooklyn Breakdown Dance-Off" between Eve Torres and Layla London, which of course breaks down into a catfight.

Back on the air with Jerry Lawler, "the King" announces that they're going to one-up SmackDown by having a sing-off between Jillian Hall and Festus Dalton! UGH! Hall spazzes out before she starts caterwailing to some Brittany Spears song, the fans booing her with no mercy. Lawler nearly has to hit her with the chloroform to put her down. Lawler then introduces Festus, who just stands there like an idiot. Hall keeps trying to declare herself the winner, Lawler tells her she hasn't won yet. Lawler holds the mic up and tells the refere to ring the bell, and Festus lights up and and starts beling out "The sun will come out TOMORROW! TOMORROW!" (from Annie, the musical). He doesn't really sing any better, but th elyrics are a little clearer, and the fans cheer him like crazy until Lawler rings the bell again to cut him off. We then vote...

WINNER: Festus Dalton. Festus stands there like an idiot, still holding his mic in mid-air. Jillian Hall follows Lawler out of the ring begging him for another shot. Mike "the Miz" Mizanin's music hits, he runs out, takes the mic out of Dalton's hands, forms his fingers in an "L" shape then forces Dalton's hand to the top of his head, then kicks him in the midsection and throws him out of the ring. 

"Get that fat, bald person out of my ring! I AM THE MIZ~! And last week I called out John Cena, and Cena failed to come to the ring, which tells me that he's afraid of me! Is that it, Cena? Are you afraid of me? Are you sitting back there going, 'Oh no! The Miz is going to call me out again?' Is that it, Cena? Where's your Hustle tonight? Where's your loyalty to your fans? Where's your respect? Where's your self-respect? Or is that some hollow catchphrase you use to sell your t-shirts with?"

The fans start chanting for Cena, Mizanin continues. "They're calling for you, Cena, and I challenge you again TONIGHT! If it was me, and you were calling me out here, injured or not, I'd step out to this ring and..."

Cena appears on the WWE RawHD Tron, we see him walking backstage. Miz calls him out, "C'MON! C'MON CENA! HURRY UP!" We go to commercial, come back and Miz is still running his mouth. "You boo me, and Cena still hasn't come out! Really? REALLY? Cena, where are you at? Are you still hiding back there? Are you looking for your next movie script? I mailed it to The Rock, he ran out of toilet paper! Cena, you are all hype, you're WWE's marketing tool for the kiddies to scream for and their cougar mothers to all fantasize about."

"I AM THE BIGGEST WWE SUPERSTAR OF ALL TIME! I am calling you out and you're not man enough to step up to the plate! You're always saying, 'You want some, come get some!' and I want the whole damn thing!" Cena throws down his hat. "Once again, let the record books show that  once again The Miz calls out Cena and Cena fails to show! Let the scoreboard show MIZ 2, CENA 0! Once again, Lillian, ring the bell!" Lillian Garcia throws up her arms, not knowing what she's supposed to do. Miz calls her worthless.

Cena's music finally hits, and Cena limps out onto the stage, not even enough energy to acknowledge his fans. Miz throws up his arms, ready for a fight, calling Cena out. Cena finally makes it down to ringside, stares Miz down, gets in the ring. 

But then here comes The Big Show, Mizanin is smart enough to step out of the ring and let these two do thier business. Cena lifts his arms weakly as Big Show steps over the top rope and stares him down, sneering, thumbing his nose. Big show circles around the ring as Cena stands his ground as best he can.  They stare each other down, Big Show grins and then boots Cena in the midsection. Cena tries to crawl to his knees, gets on the ropes, Big Show levels him with a right hand into the ribs. Cena gain uses the ropes to get to his feet, Big Show measures out another punch. Cena is coughing up his liver as Big Show lays in another punch. This time Cena can barely get to his knees and is dragging himself by his knuckles. Big Show with another punch that takes Cena off his feet. Big Show doubles up his fists and nails Cena in the back. Big Show straddle's Cena's body, grabs him by the back of the shorts and slams his ass into Cena's back.

Big Show leans down, wraps his arms around Cena's throat and pulls him back into a Camel Clutch! Cena's face goes purple almost immediately as he gurgles out a pathetic scream before his eyes roll back in his head and he passes out. Big Show stands over his vanquished foe as fans rain down boos. Seriously, I cannot hear one single cheer for Big Show, even the Cena haters are slienced! Off to commercial, we come back and play highlights from that assault.

WWE Diva's Champion Maryse Oulet vs. Mickie James (non-title match)

Jarred Fogle, aka "Jared the Subway Guy" is our special ring announcer for this match, OOH OUI! OOH OUI! This should be a good match and is a great step-up for Maryse! James moves in to start, but Oulet insists on holding up the match by starting her ring pose. James runs over and thows knees into Oulet's head, forcing her to roll out of the ring. As soon as the champ rolls back in, James lays in more assault. Oulet tries to shove her off, James responds with a Thesz Press until the ref breaks it off, Oulet rolls out of the ring. James goes out to chase and gets caught off-guard, Oulet grabs the tights and throws James head-first into the ringside barrier, then steps on James's throat.

Oulet throws James back in the ring, non-chalant cover, gets her a two count. Oulet stomps on James' back a few times, then tries to submit her with a Camel Clutch. James powers out, gets to her feet, Oulet cuts her off with a club to the back. Oulet grabs her by the hair, they start trading forearm shtos, James with a low dropkick to the knees, bounces off the ropes, dropkick to the face, James hooks both legs but doesn't get a pin attempt as Oulet is off her shoulders. James tries to whip Oulet into the corner, Oulet reverses charges, James gets both feet up to block it. James sits up on the top turnbuckle, Oulet comes over and drags her off the top, but James pops back up and catches Oulet with a Laree DDT! 1-2-3 the champ is out cold! 

WINNER: Mickie James. I smell a title fight brewing for the next PPV! 

Win and You're In Match: Dave Batista vs. Ted DiBiase, Jr. 

Michael Choad, I mean Cole, makes it clear what's on the line here. "Shane McMahon faces Randy Orton in the main event tonight. A win for Batista and it becomes a tag team match. A win for DiBiase and it's now Legacy three-on-one against McMahon!" 

Batista with the dominant start, throwing DiBiase in the corner, clothesline, whip off the ropes, power slam, short arm clothesline, scoop onto the shoulders, goes for the power slam, but DiBiase wiggles off and tries to bounce off the ropes. Batista catches him with a boot to the midsection, tries to go for the Batista Bomb, DiBiase wiggles out, Batista counters with a clothesline and a club to the back. Batista bounces off the ropes, DiBiase pops up with a dropkick and pounces on Batista. 

DiBiase tries to whip Batista off the ropes, Batista reverses, ducks his head, DiBiase with a kick to the face followed by a swinging neckbreaker, cover, two count. DiBiase with a reverse facelock to grind Batista down, Batista gets to his knees, then his feet, drives DiBiase backwards into the turnbuckle to break the hold, whips DiBiase to the opposite corner, follows up with a clothesline and a pair of shoulder blocks, whip to the opposite corner again, Batista charges, DiBiase counters with a drop toe hold. DiBiase tries to go for a stomp off the middle turnbuckle, Batista gets a foot up that connects with DiBiase's head, Batista drives DiBiase back in the corner, lays in more shoulder blocks until the ref breaks. DiBiase steps forward with an arrogant slap into the face, Batista drives DiBiase back into the corner again and lays in half a dozen shoulder blocks and then steps on DiBiase's throat. Referee tries to pull Batista off, counts to five for a break, and Batista is so lost in his rage he hears none of it. 

WINNER: Ted DiBiase, Jr. by disqualification. Batista argues with the ref over what happened, ref pleads his innocence and he gave Batista plenty of chances to break. DiBiase sneaks off with a win, and our main event is going to be very lop-sided! 

Backstage after the break, Chavo Guerrero and WWE Raw GM Vickie Guerrero are backstage pow-wowing. Chavo is giving advice, but not giving advice, if you get the idea. He suggests that if he was the GM, that he'd be worried about MVP and Batista trying to run into the main event, and that if MVP runs in he'll be stripped of his United States Championship, and if Batista runs in he'll lose his title shot against Orton at the next PPV. Chavo then asks Vickie what she thinks, and before she can even blurt anything out, Chavo is jumping up and down as if she agreed with him, and then runs out proclaiming he is going to make the announcement next.

WWE Unified Tag Team Champion Carlito Colon vs. THE Brian Kendrick

Kendrick gets a brief introduction, Primo Colon comes out with his brother Carlito, but then leaves backstage again. Kendrick shoves Colon, then begs off into the ropes when Colon tries to retaliate. Kendrick uses the ref break to jump Carlito, chokes him, throws him in the corner, Colon reverses, backdrops him, press slam, cover and a hook of the leg gets a two couht for Colon. Colon goes to the apron, springboards off the top rope for a dropkick, but Kendrick catches him with a dropkick of his own, cover, two count. Kendrick tries to go for Sliced Bread #2 (aka "THE Brian Kendrick") but Colon knocks him off the rope and straddles him on the top turnbuckle, executes the Back Stabber, UNO DOS TRES! 

WINNER: Carlito Colon. 

The WWE SmackDown Rebound, sponsored by WWE Mobile, are highlights from the WWE World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Four Way Scramble - WWE Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho vs. Kane.  Jericho eliminates Kane, Jericho gets DQed by using a chair on Mysterio, then Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio engage in a high-impact spotfest until Mysterio goes for one-too-many seated sentons off the ropes and Hardy is able to block it and roll Mysterio up for the win. 

Backstage, Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. are strategizing in the locker room before the main event.

Michael Cole asks Jerry Lawler, "What do you and MVP have in common?" The answer - apparently they're both fans of The View! A few weeks ago The View's co-host Sherri Shepherd expressed that she had a thing for MVP, and thanks to marketing magic between The Walt Disney Corporation and World Wrestling Entertainment, Shepherd actually got to be MVP's valet for the night last week on WWE SmackDown as he defended his United States Championship against Dolph Ziggler. In return, MVP will be on Tuesday's episode of The View. 

WWE Champion Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. WWE Executive Vice-President Shane McMahon

OK, it's rediculous enough that a WWE corporate officer is involved in a wrestling match, but now it's a three-on-one handicap match. *sighs* NO BUYS NO BUYS NO BUYS! Not even that Taco Bell Chicken Fajitah Fairy Big D would buy into this! Backstage Batista apologizes profusely to McMahon for screwing this up for him, but promises to make Orton pay at Judgement Day. Legacy gets introduced together before the commercial break.  Shane comes out all alone after the break, knowing the odds are stacked against him.

Rhodes tries to attack McMahon right as the bell sounds, but McMahon ducks the clothesline, whips Rhode around and connects with another clothesline. Rhodes tries to drag McMahon into his corner, McMahon counters with an armdrag, but Rhodes counters with a punch to the jaw and tags in Orton. Orton tries to beat down McMahon, McMahon is able to counter him and lay in a few jabs. Orton bails out of the ring, but blind tags DiBiase on the way out. McMahon chases Orton around the ring, unaware of the tag, slides back in the ring and gets caught with a clothesline. DiBiase with kicks and punches, tries for a tag to Orton, but McMahon drags him away in the nick of time with an armbar, clubs on the arm. DiBiase drills McMahon between the eyes, dives for a tag, McMahon runs over and nails Cody Rhodes with a forearm shot to cut off the tag.

McMahon with a hangman's neckbreaker on DiBiase, but doesn't go for a pin, instead climbs to the top turnbuckle and connects with the elbow drop off the top, but takes his time to hook the leg, Cody Rhodes runs in to break up the pin. Rhodes pulls the referee aside to distract him and give DiBiase time to recover. McMahon staggers over and clotheslines Rhodes out of the ring, but DiBiase follows up with a clothesline of his own. McMahon slams Rhodes into the ringsteps, DiBiase follows out and gets the same treatment, followed by a kick to the ribs. McMahon grabs a chair, but gets blindsided by Randy Orton from behind, Orton throws him in the ring, then throws DiBiase into the ring, allowing DiBiase to make a legal tag. 

Orton lays in a few kicks then goes for the Orton Stomp all over McMahon's body, followed by the high kneedrop to the head. Rhodes tags in and more stomps to McMahon's body, and a rolling kneedrop of his own. Rhodes drags McMahon back into the middle of the ring, stomp, climbs to the top turnbuckle, moonsault and McMahon rolls in towards the cover, Rhodes eats the mat HARD, but McMahon is in no position to go for a cover or even stop Rhodes from tagging in DiBiase. DiBiase whips McMahon into the corner and charges, McMahon gets a foot up to stop it, clotheslines DiBiase, but isn't able to follow up. DiBiase goes for a tag, McMahon tries to grab a leg to stop it, but DiBiase kicks him off and tags in Orton.  

McMahon gets fired up, though, fights off Orton, backdrops Orton over the top rope, then DiBiase, then Rhodes and follows them out. Kicks in the head to Rhodes and DiBiase, Orton tries to climb back into the ring, McMahon pulls the legs out from underneath him, Orton hits his head on the apron. McMahon pulls the top off the announcer's table, lays out Orton on top, takes his time to walk around the ring, roll back in, and climb to the top turnbuckle. McMahon climbs... sets up... FLIES AND BUSTS THROUGH THE TABLE, ORTON ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! Orton gets to his feet, Shane is hacking up body parts, DiBiase & Rhodes are now up and Orton orders them to finish him off.

They move McMahon over to the steel ringsteps, drape a leg over the top, and then hold him down. Randy Orton grabs a chair, climbs on top of the ringsteps, tells McMahon he's going to pay, and then bashes the chair into his knee (okay, actually the knee wasn't even on the ringsteps, and the chair only connected with the top edges of each step and didn't even hit the leg, but Shane-O sells it like a motherfucker). 

Orton stomps on the leg some more, and Legacy sets the leg back up on the ringsteps again. Orton goes to swing the chair, but then throws it aside and picks up the top half of the steps instead, slams it down, and crushes Shane's foot (Okay, Shane pulled his foot away at the last moment and the steel ringsteps never connect, but Shane-O sells it like a motherfucker). 

WINNER: NO CONTEST. Referees finally run down from the back to protect McMahon and tell Orton it's over.  We replay McMahon killing himself on the table, and then alternate angles of McMahon's leg getting "mangled" which completely hide the botched shots. Batista's music hits and he chases Legacy off. Medical crew down at ringside puts an aircast on McMahon's leg, then puts him on a stretcher.

Randy Orton is at the top of the ramp and takes the mic, saying, "Batista...  your Judgement Day is coming." Batista is in the ring challenging Orton to come down to the ring. Orton's music plays as McMahon is stretchered up the ramp past Orton.

Eh, it was all good until the main event. That's all I got tonight, kids, enjoy the rest of your Monday!



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