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I've been holding out hope for the last hour that our friend and regular Raw reporter Ian Clark would show up, but as he's nowhere in sight I'll be filling in. Hopefully with three hours time there are enough commercial breaks I can fast forward through to get caught up to live action. Here we go!

Raw opens tonight with a montage of previous show opening videos and musical themes, from Scott Hall to Steve Austin, from Nickelback to The Union Underground, and so on. Already in the ring to open the show, theme song playing, is the one and only MR. MCMAHON. His swagger is in full effect, saying Raw has lasted 20 years because he's a CERTIFIABLE GENIUS (or at least certifiable) and he announces John Cena will face Dolph Ziggler inside a steel cage (conveniently hanging overhead). Just as he gets done announcing The Rock Concert for later tonight...

WELLLLLL IT'S THE EX-CHAMP. He's here to ruin the #Raw20 party and he doesn't give a damn if Mr. McMahon or anybody else doesn't like it. Mr. McMahon doesn't like being interrupted though, and doesn't like Big Show addressing him by his first name. McMahon cracks jokes about him losing weight - the weight of the World Heavyweight Title. He calls what happens last Friday a "travesty" and Vince says well let's just look at the footage. Big Show says no no no, I didn't tell anybody I was coming, the truck doesn't have it cued up - but Mr. McMahon says "all of these people IN HOUSTON" (he learned to cheap pop from Mick Foley) "deserve to see it." Let's roll that beautiful bean footage!

(If you want a recap of the match read Nickolye's SmackDown Recap from last week.)

Big Show claims that Booker T is jealous of him because he has an iron clad unbreakable employment contract, and he's trying to humiliate him as a result, and trying to make a hispanic wrestling superstar in the process. At least he's right about the latter of those three. As Show is suggesting Vince strip ADR of the title, Ricardo comes out to perform the epic introduction, but the newly minted babyface doesn't drive his "showing off the wealth" car out to the ring - he walks through the Gorilla Position and takes a mic from Ricardo. Ricardo follows him down to the ring with what appears to be a bucket under a towel.

To make a long story short, Del Rio tells Big Show that he should stop crying like a baby, and should take a rematch with him tonight in Houston. Show says NO and the crowd chants SI right back at him. He says he wasn't prepared last night, and he certainly isn't tonight, because he's "wearing a custom made suit for crying out loud." Del Rio says "What prepared? You're bigger than me and stronger than me. Show some CAJONES perro!" Meanwhile the man with the #GeneticJackhammerCajones is standing in the background with a bemused look on his face. Show tells Del Rio he's not playing this game, he'll fight him when HE wants to fight him, and says Houston isn't prestigious enough for a World Heavyweight Title match anyway - only the Royal Rumble in Phoenix would be. Show says a smart man chooses his fights, and doesn't let a man like Del Rio choose for him. He says he'll steal the show at the Rumble, and no one will talk about Rock, Punk, or anything else.

Del Rio mouths off to him in Spanish, Big Show asks for a translation, and he says he just called him a FAT JACKASS. The crowd starts chanting SI! SI! SI! again. Show: "What does the letter C have to do with anything?" Del Rio says they have a present for him, and Ricardo acts like he's sloshing around water in the bucket, so Show says if he gets wet he'll break Ricardo in half. Ricardo throws it and it's full of Mexican confetti. Del Rio uses the distraction to give Big Show a 'rana and an enzuigiri and knock Big Show out of the ring, who stands there on the ramp seething with anger while Mr. McMahon congratulates his new champion.

JBL is introduced on commentary, we get a teaser for events later tonight, and we go to a commercial break. When we come back we get highlights of Bob Barker guest hosting Monday Night Raw, including him humiliating both Chris Jericho and Chavo Guerrero. Wade Barrett is already in the ring wearing his IC Title, and Randy Orton's music arrives. Are you hearing voices in your head? No it's just your TV. A non-title match is on tap!

* Wade Barrett {C} vs. Randy Orton (Non-Title #Raw20 Match)

JBL and Cole try to make the commentary all about themselves, which they often do when paired together, while Orton brawls with Barrett in and outside of the ring. Barrett gets dropped on the barricade, then thrown back in for a near fall. Orton stays on the advantage and clotheslines Barrett to the outside, where he lands with a thug and starts selling his head, which leads us to a commercial break.

Barrett was apparently able to gain a tactical advantage on the WWE Mobile App, which is always #RawActive, but since I'm on DVR right now playing catch up that all means NADA to me. Barrett covers for 2.5. He drapes Orton over the ropes from the apron and pulls his head down for knee strikes, then gives him a big right boot to the face to drop him. Barrett cinches up a chinlock but Orton fights valiantly to his feet, countering into a slam in the process. Barrett sells his back as he gets up, then the two trade fisticuffs. Orton hits a couple of short arm clotheslines and gets a powerslam as Cole says he's going to "that place." Barrett tries to roll out of the ring after a backbreaker but just winds up eating a draping DDT. This could be all over - no wait - the RKO is blocked. Barrett connects with a Bull Hammer himself and ORTON IS OUT COLD FOR THE 3 COUNT. Good match! Not great, not "Best of WWE Raw for 2013" worthy, but more than accceptable. Commersh!

Backstage Eve Torres is trying to get out of a Divas Title match with Kaitlyn by offering her "services" to Booker T, who breaks out into a fit of laughter over the whole thing. Teddy Long laughs at her too and gets slapped in the face HARD. Back at the announce table Lawler claims that Eve once told him she got out of a ticket that way. After this we go to Kane and Daniel Bryan, taped together backstage, waiting for their evaluation from Dr. Shelby. The thing is that they're already getting along, and even though Kane says Bryan likes to wear women's undewear after Shelby shows up, D-Bry keeps his cool. Shelby is not satisfied though and wants to know if their anger CAN be provoked, so he invites #TeamRhodesScholars to push their buttons. If you guessed that Sandow and Rhodes would push HIS buttons instead, you guessed correctly. When they call him "a failure" and says Kane & Bryan could get better advice from "Dr. Phil," Shelby has had enough and yells at Kane & Bryan to GET THEM. #TeamHellNo clean house, Kane shouts that he's found his happy place, and they all three chant YES in unison. Predictable - but funny just the same!

After a commercial break we're back for a Kane vs. Damien Sandow match. Kane kicks out of the Elbow of Disdain while Bryan pounds on the apron, Kane responds with a chokeslam, and pins Sandow for three! WINNER: THE BIG RED MACHINE. Bryan covers his ears as Kane brings his arms down to set off the pyro. Rhodes helps his fallen partner Sandow to the back as WWE teases our first 2013 HOF announcement is NEXT after the break.

After a replay of the Big Show and Del Rio segment from earlier tonight, HARDCORE LEGEND MICK FOLEY'S MUSIC HITS. All three announcers stand up and applaud, and our good friend Rick the WWE Sign Guy is opposite the hard cam waiting to congratulate him. Foley thanks everybody for the warm reception "right here, in Houston, Texas" but the cheap pop is ruined by THE ARRIVAL OF THE SHIELD. Jerry Lawler is telling him to run like the wind, even JBL says Foley should have bailed, and Rick is standing on his feet concerned. The Shield have him backed into a corner, but FEED ME MORE hits and Ryback comes out to make the save and get revenge for them costing him the title last week. Randy Orton joins when Shield get the #'s game on Ryback, then just to even things up Sheamus arrives to make it 3-on-3. Dean Ambrose gets left behind for a Shell Shock. The Shield bail out, the babyfaces stand tall, and the replay airs. Josh Mathews interviews Ryback. "Every time I step in the ring with Punk, The Shield allow him to escape. I do not care about conspiracy theories or investigations. Josh I will not rest, I CAN NOT REST, until I do to The Shield what they've done to me. FEED, ME, SHIELD." Comedy from Raw's past, + commercial.

Kaitlyn is already in the ring as we come back, with one snarky smark in the background holding up a sign reading RESTROOM BREAK. C'mon, that's not fair, Eve Torres is still in this match. Eve Torres is (mostly) better than that, but then again during a three hour Raw or PPV, you have to take one SOMEWHERE.

* Eve Torres {C} vs. Kaitlyn (Title Will Change Hands on a DQ or a Countout)

Lil' Naitch is our ref for this match, but he seems to be a little overmatched by the brawling divas in front of him. Eve does a back senton roll for 2, then climbs over Kaitlyn in the corner, just so she can hang her up by the neck. She then does a roll off the top ropes straight into a TRIANGLE CHOKE!! Kaitlyn valiantly grabs the ropes and Naitch breaks them up. Kaitlyn nearly rolls up Eve after that. She and her "Don't Miss With Texas" boobs knock Eve down several times and knock her down for 2.5. Neckbreaker by Eve only gets 2.5 too. Eve pulls Kaitlyn up by the hair but Kaitlyn gets a firewoman's carry straight onto her knee as Eve rolls to to the outer, to recover of course, but Kaitlyn won't let up. Kaitlyn hits a spear worthy of Edge and KAITLYN IS YOUR NEW DIVAS TITLE CHAMPION.

Cole is backstage hanging out with Brodus Clay. "CM Punk needs to keep my name out his mouth. I don't shuck and jive cause I have to, I shuck and jive cause I was BORN TO. He's about to find out that pipe bomb is going to blow up in his face... PUNK." Commercial.

* CM Punk {C} vs. Brodus Clay (Non-Title Match)

Clay and the Funkadactyls do their thang before Punk comes down with manager Paul Heyman in tow. Clay is on the attack early, but JBL is too obsessed with the whole "shuckin and jivin" thing. Punk is in a world of hurt. He doesn't get a single offensive move in until Clay whips him to the corner and Punk finally gets a boot up. Now the Funkadactyls look on concerned as Punk delivers the beating he should have since day one, although Clay is hanging on and not going down without a fight. Despite looking like he might make a comeback with a big release suplex, Punk regains control to hit a top rope elbow then submit Clay with the Anaconda Vice. CULT OF PERSONALITY STREAK KEEPS RIGHT ON ROLLING. Nice to see him get a clean win with no interference needed to boot.

Punk: "Now I just came out here to do what I come here to do every Monday night. And a little bit later, The Rock is gonna come out here to do whatever it is he does. Some of you may think he's more entertaining, and you're entitled to your own opinion, but you're not entitled to facts. It's a fact I just made a 400 title monster tap out. The title belongs to me for 421 days. Fact. Not a soul has beaten me for it. Fact. Rock will sing, and dance, and entertain - maybe. At the Royal Rumble, no matter your opinion or The Rock's, he will not leave the WWE Champion. That is a fact. That's not just my opinion, THAT'S A FACT." Commercial.

We come back for more Raw highlights, and all of them involve moving vehicles in some way, which of course means Austin drives the beer truck to the ring, and fills Mr. McMahon's car with cement, and Cryme Tyme help Cena destroy JBL's limo, and Austin drives a zamboni to the ring, and Austin runs over The Rock's Lincoln Continental, and Kofi Kingston destroys Orton's race car, and Vince McMahon's limo blows up.

Foley is backstage explaining what happened to his children, but The Rock interrupts, so Foley hangs up the phone. Foley offers The Rock a handshake. "You think The Rock walked all the way from the other side of the arena just to shake your hand?" He no sells, and then smiles and gives him a hug, and Foley starts making "FINALLY" jokes about getting into the WWE Hall of Fame. Rock finally takes the bait and they say it together: "FINALLY, The Rock and Sock have come back, to HOUSTON." Rock finally has enough of Foley singing along and does his shtick himself as Foley watches, until Vickie Guerrero complains that they're too loud and she can't hear herself think. She reminds them both it's HER show, not THEIR show, and then notes the WWE HOF should have taken a cue from baseball and elected NOBODY. She gets in The Rock's face and says "Do you have anything to say to me?" He says no. "That's what I thought!" Foley is surprised. "There's a time and place for everything Mick. If you trust me, enjoy the Rock Concert, right here in Houston. Congratulations."

* Over the Top Rope Challenge: Sheamus and 3MB: Heath Slater, Drw McIntyre, Jinder Mahal

Sheamus comes out first before the commercial break, everybody else after. I think you can guess what's going to happen here. 3MB work together to try and eliminate Sheamus, but when Jindrer goes top rope, Sheamus breaks free and knocks Slater into him, causing Jinder to go out. McIntyre gets dumped, Slater gets slammed, Sheamus turns around and goes for a Brogue but Slater ducks and Sheamus lands on the apron. Sheamus tries to pull Slater out onto the apron with him but McIntyre and Mahal yank his legs down so he lands on the ground. HEATH SLATER HAS WON THE CHAALLENGE AND 3MB AIR GUITAR TO CELEBRATE. An enraged Sheamus yanks Mahal out, Slater is riding around on Drew's shoulders celebrating, so Sheamus kicks McIntyre in the knee so Slater is at Brogue Kick height and nails it - then Drew gets one too.

Backstage Cena is with Josh Mathews. Cena blows off any talk of his match tonight and references a whole slew of people from WWE's history INCLUDING BRADEN WALKER. He says that recent past means nothing, the recent future is THAT HOUSE BELONGS TO ME, and that like WWE ten years ago, Dolph Ziggler will have to GET THE F OUT.

The Miz makes his way to the top of the entrance ramp in suit and tie, and says his guest tonight is a WWE Hall of Famer, and that will be AWESOME. "Would you like a hint? Would you like, a hint? Here's a hint! WOOOOOOOO." Miz starts strutting and profiling his way to the ring as we go to a commercial break.

After a replay of The Shield interrupting Foley earlier tonight, Miz introduces his special guest, NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR. "Houston what's going on?" Miz: "Ric, you have done everything on this show. A classic match with Mr. Perfect, you started Evolution, you've been in TLC matches, you even played musical chairs, but what is your favorite most must-see moment in 20 years of Raw?" Flair: "Truthfully, and it's fairly well known, the night on Raw after I retired, after being beaten by Shawn, was the biggest night of my life. Other than the birth of my children, that was the biggest night of my life. But let's not talk about the past let's talk about the future. This company just gets bigger and better every Monday night baby, and I'm honored to be here. I was telling my buddy Shawn that the day Ryback brings The Shield down will be a magic moment. What's up Shawn? Camera man, get a close up of the Rolex." Miz and Flair get into a WOO OFF for the hell of it.

Miz throws to a video package of some of the promos and catchphrases of Raw over the last 20 years, and happily Lance Storm gets into the video package, along with Edge & Christian posing for flash photography. Miz says there's only one promo that they haven't heard yet, and Flair says this show is PG, and he needs a job because he's got four ex-wives. Nevertheless Miz goads him into starting the "kiss stealin', wheelin' and dealin' promo," which Antonio Cesaro comes out to interrupt - waving a gigantic U.S. flag. "You two embody America, like nobody else does." They start chanting USA and Cesaro says "Let me finish. A failed reality show star hosting a talk show, and a 16 time World Champion who made $10 million and spent $20 million" (Flair: "$30 million" HA) "trying to maintain the illusion of past greatness. Ric you have nothing to show for it except a bar tab you can't pay and the only thing THIS" (holds up four fingers) "stands for any more is your ex-wives."

Miz: "I'll pay Ric's bar tab tonight, but how about this, I'll give you the receipt right now." Cesaro: "Unlike typical Americans, I'm gonna take this opportunity to be the bigger man, and walk away." Flair won't let him though. He pulls him back into the ring for some chops, throws him to Miz, and Miz gives him a Skull Crushing Finale. Flair starts to put on the Figure Four, then invites THE MIZ to do it himself while Flair struts around the ring and drops an elbow on his jacket. Miz dumps Cesaro out of the ring, takes off his jacket, Flair drops a knee on one jacket and an elbow on the other jacket, the two celebrate and we go to commercial.

We get highlights of Austin and Stone Cold with Mike Tyson from Raw history, highlights of Dr. Shelby with #TeamHellNo earlier tonight, and then Kane accompanies D-Bry to the ring.

* Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes

Short match. Bryan taps out Rhodes with the Yes Lock. TEAM RHODES SCHOLARS GO 0-2. Michael Cole tells us we have an exclusive with Eve Torres and Matt Striker from the WWE App. Torres: "I'm the victim here. I'm the victim. I don't need you. I don't need this show. I quit. Because of people like you, and them, I QUIT." JBL, Cole and Lawler are flabbergasted. JBL says we just lost a three time WWE Divas Champion. Commercial.

This Friday on SmackDown, Alberto Del Rio is going to have a Championship Fiesta. AJ Lee and Big E are backstage and she says her favorite moments are WWE romantic happenings, and throws us to highlights of Edge and Lita having their wedding interrupted by Kane. Then she throws us to Triple H duping Stephanie McMahon at the altar. Then we get AJ Lee abandoning Daniel Bryan at the alter for a better offer from Mr. McMahon. Just about the only thing she hasn't mentioned is Brooke Hogan and Bully Ray's wedding. AJ starts crying that she lost her Raw GM position because of Cena, Ziggler comes to console her, and then Ziggler promises he'll cause Cena that much pain or more inside the steel cage.

GOOD OL' J.R. COMES OUT TO CALL THE STEEL CAGE MATCH. He gives everybody a handshake and The King a big hug before commercial. As we come back J.R. says Cole was kind enough to give him his chair for this match, and JBL says the only thing I've agreed with tonight - "You can take it permanently if you want."

* John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler (Steel Cage Match)

Ziggler tries to end the match early - he tries to run out the door, he tries to climb out the top, and both times Cena cuts him off. Big E walks around one side of the ring watching, AJ looks on from the other side by the entrance ramp. Ziggler finally starts using the cage as a weapon to dismantle Cena, Cena tries to fight back, but Ziggler stays on the attack. Cena tries to catapult Ziggler, but that nearly gives him the opportunity to climb out, When he realizes he's still standing on the ropes, he tries to climb out, and Ziggler cuts him off leaving both men standing there until Ziggler knocks Cena off, but Cena returns the favor and causes Ziggler to crotch himself on the top rope - sending us to commercial.

We come back with Cena trying to climb out (apparently Big E kept him from escaping during the commercial), Ziggler climbing up, both men fighting on top, Cena left hanging, he pulls Ziggler back in, then Ziggler dropkicks Cena back to the mat. Dueling Cena chants as Ziggler tries to ram Cena's face into the cage and he blocks it then does the Five Moves of Doom. Five Knuckle Shuffle works but the Attitude Adjustment leaves Ziggler in position to grab the fence, which almost enables him to climb out, until Cena grabs the trunks and we see a little more of Ziggler's rear than anybody but AJ (or maybe Vikice) cares to.

Both men are down for a second but Ziggler crawls for the door and gets one hand on the floor, then Big E and Cena end up in a tug-of-war with Ziggler in the middle. Cena wins, goes for the STFU, but Ziggler counters into a sleeper. Cena stands up even though Ziggler has the sleeper on tight, he seems to be going out cold, but he climbs the ropes despite that and then falls backward to shake Ziggler loose. Both men try to escape when they recover, Ziggler was going over the top, Cena was going out the door - Ziggler realized he'd lose the race and ran over to stop Cena. Cena is about to do it a second time and Big E slams the door in his face. Now Ziggler crawls for the same door, so Cena decides to go over the top and kick the door into Ziggler's face, but Big E grabs a steel chair and starts swinging it wildly at Cena so he climbs back in. Ziggler hits a Zig Zag and Cena kicks out at 2.9!

Ziggler tries to climb out over the top again, Cena pulls him back in, Ziggler hits an Impaler DDT from the top rope for another 2.999, and AJ pounds on both the cage and the announce table in frustration, yanking the top off the latter in the process. NOW AJ LEE IS CLIMBING INTO THE CAGE. As the ref is admonishing her, Big E hits the ring to hit Cena, there's a huge clusterfuck, but the bottom line is after everybody is done bonking heads Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment and gets the pin. Replay shows Ziggler swung his MITB but hit Big E by mistake instead. AJ is still sitting on the top of the cage seething as we go to break - and The Rock Concert is next!

* The Rock Concert

The Rock takes a walk down nostalgia lane, and then shows a picture of himself as Rocky Maivia with pineapple haircut, and calls himself "an escaped mental patient getting ready to audition for the Backstreet Boys" noting that pictures proves "if you put your mind to it you can overcome anything." That leads to a ROC-KY chant. Finally he sits down to sing. "Well The Rock knows all the divas, but one thinks she's the best, the one who wears an ugly suit and has big floppy breasts." He's not talking about Vickie Guerrero though - the picture on the Titantron is PAUL HEYMAN. The Rock sings that his fat covers up his penis, and he hasn't seen it in years. Not kidding about any of this - a decidedly un-PG song.

The Rock decides to change it up now and grabs his guitar as the fans chant his name even more enthusiastically. Rock thanks a special friend in the audience first - Dusty Hill from ZZ Top - and there he is at ringside. "Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man." Rock asks how the ladies are doing tonight, and they cheer loudly. "You know what my favorite curve on a woman is? No, it's a family show. My favorite curve is a smile." After playing with the crowd a bit (and telling them he won't sing "Cookiepuss") he talks Vickie Guerrero into coming out to the stage. "Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear, she puts on her makeup, she brushes her short black hair, and then she'll ask me, do I look alright? And I said NO BEOTCH YOU LOOK HORRIBLE TONIGHT." The crowd roars. "Don't go anywhere Vickie! You'll want to hear this. You abuse all your powers, waste everybody's time, you dress like a hooker, and not the expensive kind. So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight, because BEOTCH YOU LOOK HORRIBLE TONIGHT."

Vickie finally has enough of being humiliated and leaves, but not before Rock tells us one more time "that's one horrible looking beotch." Rock then says he wants to call out the WWE Champion CM Punk. "The Rock wants to tell you something man to man. Come on out." Punk comes out with Paul Heyman in tow. "Here are the facts. Fact, for 421 days, no one has been able to stop you. Fact, that man beside you, your manager, has Twinkie tits. Last week on Raw, you said that facing you would be like boxing with God, a fact. I wanted to bring you out and tell you man to man, you ain't God. But as God is my witness, in 13 days, I will beat you for the WWE Title." Punk hands the belt to Heyman, whispers something to him, THEN RUNS DOWN TO THE RING AND ATTACKS THE ROCK. Referees tries to break them apart, and then Punk runs over to get him again. Pull apart, collide, pull apart, collide, all going down right in front of the Sign Guy. Arn Anderson and a group of officials finally pull Punk back as Rock backs his way up the ramp, and that's where the show ends!