Like most of you who watched the Raw 15th Anniversary I believed Jillian Hall's statement on Monday night to all to be a part of her gimmick. Let's all have a good laugh - Jillian's so delusional somebody at WWE told her they'd put an album of her singing Christmas carols and she fell for it. Ha ha ha! Seems kind of weird they'd say it's on iTunes though. I bet Apple will actually get complaints from people looking for a nonexistent album. Let's go look it up for a laugh. NO WAI! IT'S REAL! WTF? If that's what you were thinking when you found out that Jillian Hall REALLY DID have a Christmas album on iTunes join the club. Seems as though the joke was on us!
At first I begged loyal readers of this site to send in reviews if they were brave or stupid enough to pay good money for this album. Then it occured to me - none of the readers of this site are either that crazy or that stupid! So ladies and germs, I'm willing to take the bullet on your behalf. It's not as though it hurt that much to buy it, at least at first, since the album is only 5 songs long and iTunes obviously worked out a promotional deal with WWE to only sell it for $1.99. What the fuck I'll download it - that's less than I'd spend on a gallon of gas, or a hot dog with chips. I've dumped more spare change than this album costs into Salvation Army kettles this holiday season. Let's deck the halls with Jillian!
I must be perfectly honest though - it turns out that's $1.99 too much. I'll give WWE credit for one of the most brilliantly evil schemes of all time. I can picture Vince McMahon sitting in his office in Stamford, rubbing his fingers together, turning to Gerald Brisco and saying "I've got it! We'll get Jillian to create the worst Christmas album of all time. People will think it's a joke at first, then when they see it's only $2 they'll have to buy it to see if it's real. Easiest money we've ever made, and who cares if we make people's ears bleed?" It worked. I fell for it and apparently I'm not the only one - the album even cracked at least one top 20 chart.
Don't make the same mistake people. The best moment on this album was at 2:04 of the first track, after I realized Jillian's voice had faded away five seconds ago. The actual band playing Christmas covers for her is not bad when you can hear them on her own. Of course "band" in this case may be Jim Johnston sitting at a keyboard, but regardless INSTRUMENTAL versions of these songs would have been just fine. Jillian's lack of singing talent is no joke though. As Kurt Angle would say, "IT'S REAL! IT'S DAMN REAL!" The only other possibility is that WWE told her to ham it up and sing even WORSE than she does on television, just to get reviews like this one and the Instacrap one from RD Reynolds over at WrestleCrap.com. She can't carry a tune regardless - hell she can't even hold a note. When she hits the word "away" in "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" she either can't or won't keep pitch and breaks in mid-word as she sings her horrible little heart out.
It's a little more clear on "Jingle Bell Rock" that WWE intended this to be camp, as the bass of the background music seems to be farting on purpose as a nod to how horrible Jillian really is. And admittedly for sheer camp value there's something to be said for "A Jingle With Jillian." No drunken friend or co-worker has ever sang a karaoke song as badly as Jillian sings "I'll Be Home For Christmas," and that's coming from someone who has had a few alcohol-induced lapses in judgment and knows a thing or two about singing badly. God's to honest truth though I could be three sheets to the wind and still do a better "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" than Jillian and I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS. If I called this the worst Christmas album of all time I'd probably be exaggerating to a wild degree. After all I reviewed a Christmas Rap CD four years ago so dreadful that on a 5 star scale it would have only gotten 2 stars. This may not be worse than the Christmas Rap album but it's at least the equal, and in an odd way that's a compliment since it achieved this parity with only 5 songs and about 15 minutes worth of music. Congratulations WWE - this is the greatest rib of the holiday season! Next year though for God's sake please have Lillian Garcia do a REAL Xmas album. She has such a beautiful and powerful voice and could easily do a 4 star Christmas album that would be no joke at all - too bad they won't sell THAT one for under $2.